The Gift by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) writing as Tristan Rêveur - Short, Horror - A teenage girl attempts to get rid of her stalker. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This had a Twilight Zone feel to it. I love the twist. A perfect use for an old house. The perfect use of a gift to turn a request upon itself.

You wrote a story about Kharma without using the word Kharma.

This is reasonably well written and has a good flow to it.

But there was something about the sequence of events that seemed a little contrived, and I may have missed it but I didn't really understand why Wayland - who is casting the spell - doesn't know where Lydia went after his spell.

So the final scene. in I guess the alternate universe, didn't seem logical to me as the spell wasn't really what she asked for... had you set Wayland up as her stalker (was it implied?) and then he'd had them both in the house forever I'd have bought it more.

OK, yeah, pretty good ending, as in… I did not see that coming! Stuck in some kind of purgatory till she realizes the error of her ways, instant karma perhaps.

This is why I don’t really wish ill will upon anyone, even those sick satanic breeds of the upper echelons of society (you know the one’s), I just imagine them all getting on a spacecraft and hopping through several dimensions of space and time until they find a part of the multi-verse where they feel right at home… forever.

One curious thing about spell-casting, is that you kind of, sort of, have to believe in it for it to work, this makes your consciousness susceptible to the ethereal influences, at least, I think that’s one of the base tenets of something like voodoo or the similar, needing to believe in its power. However, Lydia is apprehensive and gets caught in the core of the spell, as opposed to the tail end of wishing something bad upon someone.

I’m a bit confused as well as to the lock of hair thing. If it’s her stalker’s, then wouldn’t the spell be directed towards him and not her? Then again, maybe it’s the whole karma thing again.

Either way, the story works well for the theme, and sends a stern message to all who would call on the forces from beyond to fight their battles: “be careful what you wish for”, best of luck.

Strange and spooky little tale that is technically flawless as far as I can say.  The work of an experienced writer.  I do have questions about the story itself.  Is it of importance whose hair it was?  Was it Weyland?  Was he the stalker?  I've read this twice thinking I missed something and maybe I did.  The story meets all the parameters of the old house theme, taken to some level of hell.  As Gum says above, be careful what you wish for.  

Thanks for a fun read in the OWC - best of luck with this!

Ahoy Tristan --God, I hate to assume, but... methinks Weyland is Lydia's stalker. Got to be. Final answer.   Also luv the premise. It made me think of all those great Twilight Zone setups and really I kept thinking of the one 'Jess Belle'. I enjoyed this, but the ending was a mixed bag for me... obviously well written. Anywaz, good job! -A

Feel free to take or leave this advice:

Just be aware you could streamline your writing quite a bit and make it more effective.

The front door opens and LYDIA (17), a tomboy skater chick,
steps out. There’s nobody around. She looks down at her feet
An envelope, with her name, sits on the ground before her.
She picks the envelope up and opens it. She pulls out a
plastic bag with a lock of hair inside.

There are too many actions going on here.
Mix things up and add some emotional content - trembling hands, hurries inside.

Have her open the door, not a soul in sight. Look up and down the street, then down at her feet.
An envelope addressed to her.

Disgusted, she looks around the area. There’s nobody around Too many uses of 'around'. And...

Disgust often disguises fear and I'd say fear is the overwhelming emotion you want to convey here so have her hurry inside after a final glance up the street. Show it, don't tell it.

Film's a visual medium so this is the perfect opportunity to have Lydia place the lock of hair amongst other items she's received (and for the audience to see them). The awful evidence of her stalker's behaviour laid out in front of her - perhaps there's a photo of her taken while she's sleeping, a creepy Be My Valentine Card... Use your imagination with other items. She's at her wit's end which will then perfectly segue to her taking action in the next scene.

At the moment we don't have much sympathy for Lydia so this would do the trick and make her less one-dimensional.

You don't need 'sits on the ground before her'.

Be aware of phrases like: kneels on knees - better to write: kneels in fronts of her, or on his knees.

Nearly inaudible - he whispers a chant, or chants inaudibly will do the job.

He continues to burn each strand, whispering the chant over
and over again. Get rid of continues and just show us what he's doing.

Rotten house (bit of a clumsy description)

Lydia watches from beyond? From afar, perhaps? You're going to need to say where exactly she is in this scene.

almost sinisterly. (It either is or isn't a sinister look.

Begins to turn (turns or turns slowly).

Her screams echo away (her screams echo or echo through the house)

There are way too many modifiers in your writing. It's more powerful without them.

Lydia walks through a field toward a dilapidated house.  arrives at a dilapidated house would be better.
She peeks inside the house.
No need to repeat 'house'.

This is a very creepy story so well done there.
I don't think Lydia deserved what she got but I'm going to guess
she didn't treat Weyland very kindly.

Be careful what you wish for.

Spooky! It reminds me of a scene in Morningstar I once saw, but I'm a fan of Twilight Zone so I really enjoyed this.

That's why you don't make a deal with the devil … or in this case, a goth guy who does magic.

Seems like all the horror shorts I've read for this challenge have been good. I get a goosebumps vibe from this one.

I'm a bit lost on Lydia being in nighttime and Weyland walking off and the house is in the daytime. I'm assuming the house has been moved to another dimension sort of thing?

I liked this one, well done.

Hey Writer,

You sure captured my attention with this one. Agree with D.A., would make a great little addition to the “Twilight Zone” movie or series.

Great entry for me - Crafted a rounded story, with a twist, having the house take part, and all in five pages!

Admittedly, I didn’t get anything as to why Weyland would punish her quite so harshly, seemingly for an eternity, it’s not like she’s a very bad person.

Still a goodun though!

Good stuff. Enjoyed it.

One thought:

Your line: "Just make them leave me alone." is the actual request. What was granted: "I just want to be left alone." They should match. They don't--UNLESS Weyland is the stalker. IF he is, and I suspect that he is...don't be afraid to punch me in the face with the line. ..."You wanted me to leave you alone. So, I did." (Sometimes on the nose is just what's needed.)

If he's not the stalker...then adjust the lines to match.

My two cents. Worth every penny.

Again, enjoyed the read!

This was good story. Nice pace and was a bit scary.

Hi Writer

I really enjoyed this! But if only you had made Wayland the stalker, the whole thing would have come circle, all tied up with a neat little bow (Would also add in some conflict where initially refuses to do the spell)

I really felt the franticness (is that a word?) of her trying to escape the house, it was nicely done I thought.

Quoted Text LYDIA Just make them leave me alone.

I agree with PK. This dialogue should be the ambiguous part of the spell that goes wrong, "I want to be left alone". Everyone knows with wishes you have to be very specific, so this is where she could go wrong.

The hair - The whole, it was gifted so now it's yours angle didn't really sit right. Could it not have been her own hair that the stalker had somehow taken? Maybe it was Wayland, maybe he could then mention that in the exchange "I took it from you whilst you slept"

If Wayland was the stalker, you could also have a much better ending than him simply walking away.

Anyway. I enjoyed it

Weyland is quite clearly the stalker...
Or I'll eat my hat.

Some fine writing on display here – I’m with others here in that there ought to be an understanding whether it’s Weyland that’s stalking her.  I think it is, because it seems like the result of his spell has condemned her to spend her life alone.  Think he was a little peeved that she didn’t want him around?  Well, look what you bargained for, sister.  

I don’t have much to quibble with on this other than just a little more depth on the stalker angle might help give this one even a little more zip.  Very good as is, especially with the ending.

Oh, one nitpick though, and I’m not one to usually comment on formatting.  I might be wrong, but I don’t think you need both FADE OUT and THE END.  FADE OUT is just another means of saying “we’re done here. Now go home.”

After so many comments, I weigh in thinking:
1. Aside from the many comments about the over-written introduction, I liked this story and thought it was well written.
2. Weyland has to be the stalker because he is the only male character we meet. Aside from the mention of Yasmin and Rob who got their wishes, we are alone with Weyland and Lydia.
3. Because Lydia has been rejecting his advances (none of which we have seen), he seeks his revenge by granting her wish, but not what she wanted.
4. She is forever in the unending loop of in-and-out of reality.
5.When the writer pens The Gift II, do they re-enter the loop to do more damage to her?

Hey writer,

Really well written and a breeze to read.

Has a real Twilight Zone feel to it which I liked.

Would like the dialogue about what she wants done to whoever's hair it is to be a bit clearer though.

Good luck!

It would be horrifying to be in Lydia's shoes at the end of this script. You've definitely come up with a nightmarish scenario.

I wonder how Weyland is going to use this to his advantage. He must really hate her.  

Good imagination went into this. And it's scary without being graphic. Kept me on my toes too.

The story to me comes as incomplete or maybe not well-rounded rather. Weyland did a bad thing but his motivation is not explained. Maybe if it was there... Also, she's way too upset about the lock of hair but she seems a silly superficial type, so maybe that's why.
I still want to see why he done it.
Nice work

Revenge.

I like this. A decent little short for the owc. Rounded off nicely. Good dialogue and action. And yes he had to be the stalker, yes?

Hello all!

First and foremost, thank you everyone for reading and your suggestions and thoughts. Loved reading all of them, and seeing what you all had to guess at what the hell was going on.

Libby, you'll have to eat your hat...

My intention was that Weyland was NOT the stalker.

The stalker is someone whom we never see, just his lock of hair.

Weyland is just some dumb teenager who knows a spell or two. He had no intention of sending Lydia to another realm, it was just based on her last line about wanting to be alone.

So, I've rewritten the script to lean toward your guys' suggestions. I updated the descriptions so that they read cleaner and shorter. Additionally, I detailed the color of each character's hair (even the lock of hair). Lydia is brunette, the lock of hair is blonde, and Weyland is black-haired. I also changed Lydia's request of being left alone to make it make more sense.

I'm not sure how I could make it any clearer that Weyland is NOT the stalker now. I'm going to resubmit the script, and if anyone is willing to re-read it (or read it as a first-timer), let me know how it is.

But, to clear things up: the stalker (whom we never see), gifts his lock of hair to Lydia. Lydia, in turn, has the hair used for a spell casted by Weyland. However, since the lock of hair was gifted to her, it was now hers to own, and the spell was casted onto HER. Unbeknownst to her, her plan backfired.

Thanks again everyone. This was a fun OWC all around!

Sean

Dammit! Where's my hat?  

Sean, excuse me but Weyland has to be the stalker. Otherwise random teen?

Sean...without going back and looking for it...there's a line along the lines of: "Did she say anything about me?" I think that's the line that's making everyone think he's the stalker. At least, that was the line that set me on that trail. It makes it seem like he was hopeful she put in a good word or something.

Hope that helps somewhat.

I'm not opposed to making Weyland the stalker. If anything, that would just make the most sense. I'll do another update. However, would she connect the dots that it was his lock of hair when she saw it was the same color as his when she met up with him? I want to keep it as the stalker's lock of hair. Kind of like, "Here is a piece of me, as yours to own."

This is, however, under the condition that they both go to the same school. Which I, as the writer, am under the assumption that they do.

Quoted from PKCardinal It makes it seem like he was hopeful she put in a good word or something.

He was hopeful, yes. He has a crush on Yasmin, and pretty much any girl at school. While this isn't shown or told in the script, it's the character background. While this sounds like it makes him the stalker, I attempted to drift away from that direction. However, I am now considering making him the stalker.

If I do go in the direction of Weyland being the stalker, I will end it on a different shot. I'll possibly have the dialogue changed a bit too, to make it more clear that Weyland is the stalker. Maybe he could be offended when Lydia says "I want to be alone." or whatever.

I will work on it!

Sean

Quoted from Zombie Sean I'm not opposed to making Weyland the stalker. If anything, that would just make the most sense. I'll do another update. However, would she connect the dots that it was his lock of hair when she saw it was the same color as his when she met up with him? I want to keep it as the stalker's lock of hair. Kind of like, "Here is a piece of me, as yours to own." This is, however, under the condition that they both go to the same school. Which I, as the writer, am under the assumption that they do. He was hopeful, yes. He has a crush on Yasmin, and pretty much any girl at school. While this isn't shown or told in the script, it's the character background. While this sounds like it makes him the stalker, I attempted to drift away from that direction. However, I am now considering making him the stalker. If I do go in the direction of Weyland being the stalker, I will end it on a different shot. I'll possibly have the dialogue changed a bit too, to make it more clear that Weyland is the stalker. Maybe he could be offended when Lydia says "I want to be alone." or whatever. I will work on it! Sean

Silly thought that popped into my head while reading this...if he's the stalker...how interesting would it be if she wasn't alone after the spell...like, she's in a room full of other girls...all of whom rejected him? Different story. But, interesting in its own way.

Anyway, you have an interesting short. Easy to shoot. You really can't go wrong.

As for the color of the hair...I don't think she'd necessarily put it together that brown hair in a bag that matches his hair color means he's the stalker. Now, if you made it orange or something...

But, you could use that to your advantage if you wanted. Maybe there are streaks of other colors in there that she doesn't notice until he starts the spell. Then, as he's casting the spell, she puts two and two together. But, it's too late.

Just spitballing here...ignore the ramblings.