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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Before The End Of The World - OWC - Optioned!
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  Author    Before The End Of The World - OWC - Optioned!  (currently 1414 views)
Spqr
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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"KUNT-FM"? Perhaps the moderators of this board might want to consider instituting a minimum-age limit for participants. Say 13.
No romance here, just inept lust. And there is no comedy, which is only right since the world is about to end.
I think if the human race was facing a mass extinction event, a lot of people would try to get as much as sex as possible before the end, so there might be some comedy in that. But no romance.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts...

Your writing is very good. I like it.  A very quick, easy read.  For me, the problem with this was I found the ending to be anticlimactic.  I guess I sort of expected something like that.  The humor was there, but nothing made me laugh out loud.  Nice entry.

This right here --"KUNT-FM"?  I'd drop that like a bad habit.  It's just silly.

Kudos for finishing.


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"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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This was a quick read and had some comedy moments that worked better than others (for me that is - other opinions are available).

I thought the radio announcement was very unrealistic, it's the end of the world and that doesn't come across.

And as a West Ham fan I have absolutely no issue with the use of the word cunt -however, you spell it - but it just felt out of place here and off tone versus the rest of the script.

I know you needed to get the chocolates and roses into the script, but c'mon who keeps dead flowers in their glove-box for 2 years?

The twist seems a little trite but it worked for the story and ultimately I enjoyed it.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Writaaaaaaa,

So then, lots to love here. Itís short and to the point, not overly complicated, it is funny and has a relationship arc. Outside the parameters Iíd consider trimming the fly scene by a couple of lines, but thatís nit picking. The ending sealed it for me, I thought youíd ruined it with soppy nonsense but then that happened! Yay!!

Well done,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...

Revision History (1 edits)
Cam Gray  -  February 8th, 2019, 2:41pm
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James McClung
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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The writing could've been a little tighter for me. The dialogue felt a little choppy, for one thing. I also wasn't crazy about the NASA explanation at the end. I almost don't really care; I would've preferred the broadcast just conclude that NASA was wrong and say "It's a miracle!" or something. Might've actually been funnier that way.

I wouldn't say the zipper gag was hilarious, but it is a fun/clever conflict that works for what it is. Same goes for the ending. Predictable, but appropriate.

I wasn't crazy about this one, but I do think it's a pretty "responsible," to-the-point entry that's more or less effective and meets the challenge. Not much else to say. Good job.


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khamanna
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Haha, this was creative and funny.

I loled throughout.

Liked the chocolates thing.

I think they should say in the dialog they've been restraining themselves for this long. Otherwise viewer will have no clue.

I liked this one a lot!
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ReneC
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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I think we've covered the KUNT-FM note, but it did set the stage for what was to come, so I get where you were coming from with it, but yeah, you chose poorly.

The radio announcer, the "minutes left until impact", it was all unrealistic, but that's the world this is set in, so I bought it. It's the device, and I was on board. I didn't expect them to live, I actually got anxiety over the jammed zipper! But you did a great job giving us the ending we actually wanted...well, almost.

A little bit more character at the start would have helped this a lot. Maybe before the radio announcer, something to tell us who these two people are, make us care about them a bit more. Right now they could be anybody, literally anybody.

I liked the Coldplay choice. It made me laugh, and I was already thinking, "Really? The world ends to Coldplay?" but you got that covered.

I didn't like the last line of real dialogue. "You dirty boy!" is out of the blue, he said nothing dirty or even sexual, he just agreed with her.

The comedy was solid throughout, and the last bit was the cherry on top. Excellent job with that. Romance? Not so much, this was more pent up sexual frustration and no time for romance so let's skip to the naughty bits.

I enjoyed it overall, and I'll certainly remember it. And it would be a breeze to film. Well done.


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manxman
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Cute. Nice dialog. Like everyone else I have to ask why the unfortunate name for the radio station? Who cares about Coldplay? Probably everybody except yours truly. Didn't quite get the ending. Was he caught in the zipper? Did they really die? Did he orgasm? The writer has a great style so he shouldn't worry too much about the substance as so many movies these days are baffling yet still get made.

Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  February 8th, 2019, 12:06am
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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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HAHAHAHAHAHA thatís my reaction to this, mostly because I just watched the episode of Seinfeld where George is meeting with a therapist about breaking up with his girlfriend, but he canít get past the fact that the zipper on his jacket is stuck and he freaks out about a zipper, and then the therapist gets in on it, and it was hilarious.

Sure, some things could use some tweaking, but Iím not going to even bother. I had a damn good time with this.
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Fun short.

All things associated with the radio station need to be reworked. (Except the Coldplay bit.) Other than that, enjoyed it.

Nicely done.


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jayrex
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Without reading the comments beforehand.

I thought this story was pretty good.  Given the circumstances, good job.

I would question the use of this line: 'Billy notices Ginaís talking to him.'

How has Billy not noticed what has just been occurring?  Is he in a daydream?

I would also write a Fade In after the Over Black intro.  When do we realise the over black has stopped?

Overall, I liked it.  It was a nice quick easy painless read.  And met the parameters for me.


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big lew
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 1:49am Report to Moderator
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Dear Writer -

This is an echo from many of the comments before me...KUNT is like a drop of lemon juice in the cream pitcher. It can curdle the whole thing.

But not for me, because when I got past that squirt in the eye I found the premise was great  fun and a high concept idea.

End of world, broken zipper, spoiled sex...but not really!

However,  I do feel the astroid did kind of land on the idea of ending and it fizzled out.

I don't know how the writer feels about it, but i think Jeff's suggestion for the ending is a good one. It could be Gina's "glove compartment" moment.

Cudo's to the writer, it was a truly fun ride in that red coupe!
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Don
Posted: February 21st, 2019, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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...optioned by a UK director/producer....


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Philostrate
Posted: February 21st, 2019, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed, youíve given me a real insight into where my script works and where it doesnít and I'll use it in the rewrites.

This was my first attempt ever at an OWC and I'm happy some of you enjoyed it, I sure had a lot of fun writing it.

I've never tried to write comedy before, let alone rom-coms, and I'm happy I could manage to get an entry in. I think I succeeded at the comedy, but I'm not so sure about the romance.

I also want to apologize for the use of that K-word-which-must-not-be-named, I shared the script with a few people before the challenge and no one complained about it. Silly me, I thought that meant it was okay. I understand now that it was a poor choice of words and, yes, I'll get rid of it first thing in the morning.

Actually, tomorrow I'll start to rewrite the script becauseÖ Well, I'll leave the news to Don

It was a great challenge. Thanks Don and Pia! And kudos to all who entered Ė

See you in the next!
David


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Philostrate
Posted: February 21st, 2019, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don
...optioned by a UK director/producer....


Thanks, Don!


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