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I could quibble but where would the fun be in that.
Very enjoyable and it made me chuckle. Nice line re Coldplay. I still love their music though. I would have liked a little more feeling in the radio announcer's V.O. And I think you should spell out K-U-N-T FM radio this way, but hey, I'm just glad that wasn't an indication things were going to detour into smut-land.
Okay, I quibbled a little bit. Heartfelt, funny, enjoyable. Thank you, Writer.
P.S. I wonder if Something About Mary was the inspiration for that final scene.
It definitely had the comedy element. Not sure it was the romantic type of comedy. More a ďSuperbadĒ guy trying to get in the grilís Pants kind of comed, with an element of ďThereís Something about MaryĒ penis in the zipper thrown in.
Still, it was a fun, easy-breezy kind of script and an enjoyable read. Good job.
This was a silly script and can be pretty goofy if filmed and acted right. It feels like a familiar premise, kind of like a side short for "Seeking A Friend For The End oF the World" except everyone lives. Like Jeff said, it's like a comedy sketch and I think it would be fairly feasible to film, and even moreso either as a live-action or an animation, I can see it working both ways. The only real quip I have is the very end. I would nix out the last two lines and just end it with describing Billy screaming in the description (and to make it even sillier, have a flock of birds poof out from some trees when he screams). Good job.
Don't like the call letters for the radio station -- it makes the tone of the story a bit too tawdry and vulgar.
For the announcer's "final" song, how about Elvis Costello's "Waiting For The End Of The World"? (At least it would indicate this jock, who should be a bit more emotional about the whole thing, has a sense of humor.) And Billy's problems setting things up for romance conjures up "the safety belt that wouldn't budge" in Chuck Berry's "No Particular Place To Go."
Loved the "false alarm" ending. Short and kinda sweet.
"KUNT-FM"? Perhaps the moderators of this board might want to consider instituting a minimum-age limit for participants. Say 13. No romance here, just inept lust. And there is no comedy, which is only right since the world is about to end. I think if the human race was facing a mass extinction event, a lot of people would try to get as much as sex as possible before the end, so there might be some comedy in that. But no romance.
Your writing is very good. I like it. A very quick, easy read. For me, the problem with this was I found the ending to be anticlimactic. I guess I sort of expected something like that. The humor was there, but nothing made me laugh out loud. Nice entry.
This right here --"KUNT-FM"? I'd drop that like a bad habit. It's just silly.
Kudos for finishing.
"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
So then, lots to love here. Itís short and to the point, not overly complicated, it is funny and has a relationship arc. Outside the parameters Iíd consider trimming the fly scene by a couple of lines, but thatís nit picking. The ending sealed it for me, I thought youíd ruined it with soppy nonsense but then that happened! Yay!!
The writing could've been a little tighter for me. The dialogue felt a little choppy, for one thing. I also wasn't crazy about the NASA explanation at the end. I almost don't really care; I would've preferred the broadcast just conclude that NASA was wrong and say "It's a miracle!" or something. Might've actually been funnier that way.
I wouldn't say the zipper gag was hilarious, but it is a fun/clever conflict that works for what it is. Same goes for the ending. Predictable, but appropriate.
I wasn't crazy about this one, but I do think it's a pretty "responsible," to-the-point entry that's more or less effective and meets the challenge. Not much else to say. Good job.
I think we've covered the KUNT-FM note, but it did set the stage for what was to come, so I get where you were coming from with it, but yeah, you chose poorly.
The radio announcer, the "minutes left until impact", it was all unrealistic, but that's the world this is set in, so I bought it. It's the device, and I was on board. I didn't expect them to live, I actually got anxiety over the jammed zipper! But you did a great job giving us the ending we actually wanted...well, almost.
A little bit more character at the start would have helped this a lot. Maybe before the radio announcer, something to tell us who these two people are, make us care about them a bit more. Right now they could be anybody, literally anybody.
I liked the Coldplay choice. It made me laugh, and I was already thinking, "Really? The world ends to Coldplay?" but you got that covered.
I didn't like the last line of real dialogue. "You dirty boy!" is out of the blue, he said nothing dirty or even sexual, he just agreed with her.
The comedy was solid throughout, and the last bit was the cherry on top. Excellent job with that. Romance? Not so much, this was more pent up sexual frustration and no time for romance so let's skip to the naughty bits.
I enjoyed it overall, and I'll certainly remember it. And it would be a breeze to film. Well done.
Cute. Nice dialog. Like everyone else I have to ask why the unfortunate name for the radio station? Who cares about Coldplay? Probably everybody except yours truly. Didn't quite get the ending. Was he caught in the zipper? Did they really die? Did he orgasm? The writer has a great style so he shouldn't worry too much about the substance as so many movies these days are baffling yet still get made.
HAHAHAHAHAHA thatís my reaction to this, mostly because I just watched the episode of Seinfeld where George is meeting with a therapist about breaking up with his girlfriend, but he canít get past the fact that the zipper on his jacket is stuck and he freaks out about a zipper, and then the therapist gets in on it, and it was hilarious.
Sure, some things could use some tweaking, but Iím not going to even bother. I had a damn good time with this.
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed, youíve given me a real insight into where my script works and where it doesnít and I'll use it in the rewrites.
This was my first attempt ever at an OWC and I'm happy some of you enjoyed it, I sure had a lot of fun writing it.
I've never tried to write comedy before, let alone rom-coms, and I'm happy I could manage to get an entry in. I think I succeeded at the comedy, but I'm not so sure about the romance.
I also want to apologize for the use of that K-word-which-must-not-be-named, I shared the script with a few people before the challenge and no one complained about it. Silly me, I thought that meant it was okay. I understand now that it was a poor choice of words and, yes, I'll get rid of it first thing in the morning.
Actually, tomorrow I'll start to rewrite the script becauseÖ Well, I'll leave the news to Don
It was a great challenge. Thanks Don and Pia! And kudos to all who entered Ė