Grunge by Daniel Park - Short, RomCom - Jerry has a change of heart at a bookstore.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Page   1.  You need to CAP character's names when you first introduce them.

You go from Cafe to office. Two different types of scenes. Therefore there shouldn't be a CONTINUOUS since it's not a continuation of the Cafe scene. Unless your slug says INT. CAFE - OFFICE.

Yuck! I hate Axe!  

You tell us Jerry continues to check his smart phone, but you never told us he had one in the first place, so you can skip continues.

Page   3.  Same CONTINUOUS issue here. You can write just KITCHEN or APARTMENT - KITCHEN. Just nitpicking...

If there is a Jerry and a Jerry 2.0, you might want to show us some difference in the two. Does he speak in a different voice or does his demeanor or posture change. Give us something, so we can see some difference in the two personalities.

INT. FREEZER? Is Jerry inside a freezer?

Would've been a nice touch if the chocolate was in some fancy box or something, alluding to him having bought it with intent to give to Sara.

Page   4.  What does Jerry tripping balls mean?

Jerry arrives at the book store in the late afternoon, but he doesn't stumble into the store until night? What happened in the time between afternoon and night?

Page   5.  Is Sandy the woman in the red shoes? If so, you should introduce her by name right away. Right now, it seems she's a different woman.

Why is Jerry sweating. Need some better description there so we know why, otherwise it could just be because his hot.

Don't quite understand the SHOT thing. Is it Jerry's P.O.V?

Page   6.  Slug issue again.

Page   8.  FIN. Haven't seen that in awhile. In Swedish it's SLUT, but that doesn't look good in English!  

All in all, not a bad effort. You checked all the boxes story and challenge wise. Writing was fine, but good be improved a little with some of the technical stuff just for clarification. Some odd spacing between lines here and there. All easy fixes, so good job!  

Spoilers!

This isn’t bad, it just needs work. I like the setup, it misleads in a great way so the eventual meet cute is surprising. I dig that they meet while both tripping, it’s a great connection and suggests they suit each other.

The dialogue isn’t great, especially with the friend trying to get him out and his mind off his ex. You should differentiate Jerry 2.0 like Pia said, make him an exaggerated version of himself to amp up the funny. Make their argument more humorous than desperate.

You tell the reader he’s tripping on the bike but you need to show it. Make it obvious, either as an observer or the first use of trippy vision.

Good entry, I like it overall.

CAPS when you intro a character... usually the character's name isn't in the log line.

Not bad.. 2 stoners meet at the library and voila! and happy ending.

Not really funny though.

Good job on entering

A good attempt.

The television going on the fritz was cute. Like that's all he needs.  

The swearing always turns me off. Unless it's really part of the character's world, but just F this and F that is so weak to me.

I liked the idea of his strategy to deal with lost love. Read! Read, read, read!

It ends on a positive note. I like that.

Sandra

Quoted from ReneC Spoilers! You should differentiate Jerry 2.0 like Pia said, make him an exaggerated version of himself to amp up the funny. Make their argument more humorous than desperate. Good entry, I like it overall.

That's a good comment above re: making Jerry 2.0 more humorous. I was reading it that way, but I guess I was just feeling your intent through the label: 2.0

Yeah, amp that up.

Sandra

Hi writer,

There are too many entries to get too detailed, but I'd be happy to give anyone detailed feedback after the OWC.

Saying that there are some basic grammar and formatting issue that would be easy enough to fix.

It's a relatively cute story but it doesn't quiet get there for me. The comedy didn't land so much with me, but that could be quite a personal feeling as I'm very much over the stoner comedy gag. The romance aspect is light on but it is there. All other parameters were met.

Not a bad effort for a week but I'm sorry to say I don't think it will be a contender.

All the best.

This was cute. The first true romantic comedy I've read thus far. I liked the story but the formatting was a bit off for me. Just the way you pointed out specific shots and notes, etc. Had a nice flow to it, and the ending was wrapped up nicely. It sounds like Jerry and Sandy are a good fit for each other. The name Jerry 2.0 was funny to me as well. Good job.

The theme was met and the story is okay.  That being said, there are so many typos, format issues, etc. that it disrupts the read.

Will definitely take another look when it's cleaned up.

Grunge. A rom com with stoners. It started to work when JERRY got to the library and met the girl from another dimension. More of that please.

Hmm, tis not bad.

I liked the opening with the skull and crossbones designs on the coffee, Great visual, funny, and speaks to character straight off.

Cut the stuff with the flatmate, Jerry can always get a party invite via text.

I liked Jerry and Sandy.
Sweet ending with him pedaling back for her.
Let's just hope they like each other when they're out of their fog.

Hello Writer

The exchange on page 2 with the roommate might be a bit unnecessary.

Page 3, the conversation with himself - Struggling to imagine this, does 2.0 have a different voice? a different demeanour?

Ok I'm done -  a lot of what I have read i would not class as a Rom Com - this one I would class as one, so well done on that. The rose played a part, the red - more of a prop I would say, the chocolate was pointless - it seems crammed in to fit the criteria.

It's not bad, Thought the humour could have come out more. Maybe a bit more tension in the ending, he quickly cycles back, shes gone, he searches frantically, all looks lost and BAM there she is.

Anyway, well done on your entry

Matt

Not really a rom com, in my opinion.  The laughs are attempted, but mostly drug related and they tend to fall flat.


There's some notes in the script, like: (NOTE: Jerry is tripping balls).  Don't put that in a note. show us how he is tripping balls.  Same with the camera angles and shot direction.

Meeting her at the bookstore was actually where this picked up.  I would have started the script there, and carried it forward, finding out what happens at the party later, etc.  To me that would have been a more interesting story.

Just my two cents,
Gary

Hmmm...title page is terrible!  no space before your hyphen, then "a short film"?  WTF?  And we know the author, his E-Mai, and his phone #.  Ok...

FADE IN should be left aligned.

You start with "The sound of steaming milk...", which is quite odd, considering this isn't over black, and more importantly, how many peeps could distinguish "the sound of steaming milk"?  I'd say about .001%.

Character's 1st intro needs to be CAPPED.

The office scene is not CONTINUOUS.

No reason to use CUT TO

First it's DAY, and then Jerry gets fired, goes home and it's NIGHT?  That's a pretty heinous commute he's got there!

"Jerry throws his bag on the couch, reclines, and takes an
enormous pull from his BONG."  - OK, check this out.  You have Jerry doing 3 things here in this 1 line, but picture these 3 things actually happening...they're not like 1, 2, 3.  Before he can recline, he has to sit down.  Before can hit that bong, he has to grab it, and light it.  And, maybe more importantly, the scene starts with Jerry throwing his bag down.  Maybe show him walking into the apartment first?

The 2 passages that follow are all fucked up and really don't make any sense.

Jerry 2.0?  WTF?  Where does he appear?  Next to Jerry?

INT. FREEZER?  Jerry shrunk himself down and went into the fucking freezer?  Oh boy.  I'm out.  Sorry.

*

Let's see what we have here.

I won't point out the above mentioned formatting errors again, except to say that the
reviewers are correct and you should make an effort to change them.

I thought you made a decent attempt at meeting the criteria.  
Although I can't remember the roses.
The genre seemed like a stoner/comedy rather than a stoner romcom.  I feel if you focused on
Jerry and Sandy and cut the roommate out of the script, this would be better.

Start the story with Jerry and Sandy meeting at the party, both stoned, and leaving together. Once they both sober up, however, the passion is gone.  In order to make the relationship work, they must remain stoned.

Good effort.  

Thanks for entering the contest.

Hey there, writer.

Characters need to be capitalized when you introduce them.

I don't like the way you have Jerry talking to his alter-ego (Jerry 2.0). It's clunky and could be done much better. Maybe have his alter ego talk to him through a mirror reflection? Idk.

Some awkwardly written action lines throughout.

Now he's tripping balls? Did he drop acid? What did I miss?

Sorry to say that this one just didn't grab me. Started skimming after page five.

Good job on entering.

Zack

Heeeey Writer,

Okay, let’s statt from the start. It was a nice warm up, the first couple of pages, but it was missing something fairly major...the other half of this romcom!! So the love interest enters half way through and there’s no real relationship arc to speak of, which kinda rules out the romance bit.

Comedy? It was quirky, they take drugs and have a giggle, that’s got promise but it really didn’t nail any belly laughs.

Anyway, well enough written but it just didn’t quite hit the mark.

Cam

Hey, look at this! Someone attempted to write a romcom! (In my book, this qualifies.) I'm getting worn out by all the murderous, hyper-sexualized "romcoms" in this OWC, so, I'm pleased to read something a bit more on point.

I won't repeat what everyone else says except to emphasize that I was really thrown by Jerry 2.0. Was the reflection speaking? When he's on the bike, is Jerry 2.0 running next to him? Help me visualize exactly what you want me to see.

Make all the changes Angry Bear and Rene suggested, then repost. You've got a base to work off of here.

Dear, oh dear! Another one without a point. Sloppy writing. "Jerry is thinking of calling his girlfriend" How the Hell is the audience supposed to know this? His roommate is a stockbroker. how do we know this? Because Jerry knows it. He goes to a bookstore and meets a girl dressed in black, wearing red shoes. He climbs a ladder to get a book for her. They say they are from another dimension and leave the bookstore together. The end. Oh, and there's stuff about getting high, if you're interested.  

I think it's romantic. And there were some comedic moments too.

Two stoners - nice premise.

I think you should have introduced Sandy earlier. And give her the age.

Jerry's friend at the beginning - you kind of mislead here, you make him an important character letting him practically open the script. That I think is a mistake.

Good story.

Hi Writer,

I liked how much thought you put in your main character. It somehow made him more real on the page.

The designs of the skull and crossbones on the coffee were a nice touch.

The dialogue was on the nose and there were some formatting errors, like the missing V.O. when Jerry talks to his alter-ego (Jerry 2.0), but that would be easy to fix.

Don't say that he's tripping balls, show us!

Overall - the story was okay and it meet the criteria.

A good effort. All it needs is a little more work.

Good job on entering.

Writer,

My reviews are sorta Helter Skelter; sometimes I just fire off bullet points, and other times I go into greater detail...

The characters seem hopelessly generic.  You've got Jerry; "Stoner" and Sandy, who I'd consider more of a "nerdy girl" instead, and these are your main characters. But we've seen them in a hundred other movies before.

How can you make them real and different?

The comedy is not working for me.  It's kind of low level humor and not particularly clever.  This kind of exchange is very one dimensional:

Code JERRY (whispering) Are you on something too? SANDY I took a whole brownie. Jerry and Sandy chuckle to themselves. SANDY (CONT'D) Do you find this holiday as cliched as I do? JERRY I would say cliched is a euphemism. SANDY (looking through the books) Notes from the Underground. Metamorphosis. Will to Power....let me guess, trying to get over the crazy ex? JERRY You could say that. Was yours the crazy iceman cometh? SANDY Crazy is a euphemism.

Another issue;  Your opening scene feels really set-up-ish.  The problem with set-up scenes like the one you have is, ironically, that they don't set up anything.  Jerry being a stoner is something that can be established through action that impacts the story.   Here, when we first see Jerry, he's working in a coffee shop, putting foam on a couple's coffee, then the very next scene he's terminated.   Okay, so how does this impact your story.  It doesn't.  In fact, Jerry getting fired has absolutely nothing to do with the story.

Now I'm asking myself "What do I know about this character (Jerry) , and how do I know it?"  I know this -- I don't know he's a stoner yet.   Good character intro scenes show a character trying to solve a problem and hampered by their flaw.  That is to say, the character's issue is on full display from their first moment on screen.

Let us compare scenes-- the coffee shop is busy, they are short on staff, everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut-off, while The Manager is searching for someone.  Then we immediately CUT TO Jerry -- who's locked himself in a bathroom, huffing and puffing away like a man on death row devouring his last meal.  The whole shebang, the window cracked open, Jerry fanning the smoke or flames.  We would get a strong sense of hard-up he is, or how much of a stoner he is.   And the scene escalates with his manager catching him, of course, and he gets fired.

Just one example.  It's not great, but... it does what I need it to do.  At any rate, this is JMHO, not claiming I'm right.  

My esteemed collegues seem to like the  SKULL and CROSSBONES  and TOMBSTONE gag.  Jerry could be having a bad day, or maybe he hates his job, or maybe it was meant to be a joke, but it backfired, so he ends up getting fired.   But it doesn't tell me he's a stoner.  He's not having withdrawl symptoms, or his eyes are not bloodshot, or anything to make me think he could be on something.  But I'm in the minority here.

That said, I can see my colleagues side of things, too..

If anything, it's something to think about going forward with any of your works.

Code INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS A MANAGER has Jerry sign a termination notice. MANAGER What is the matter with you? JERRY I was about to ask you the same thing. MANAGER Get the hell out. Jerry gloomily grabs his bag and exits.

This scene.  From Jerry's dialogue -- I get the impression he's being defiant, like he could give a shit about the job, but then I get to the last line ...  Okay, if he doesn't give a shit, then why would he walk out gloomily?

Anyway, I'm not really looking for an answer to that question, just pointing it out.

The milk over a black screen... Dreamscale was right, I'd re-think that.

Okay, bulletproof vest off... overall, it just feels a bit "meh" to me.   Kudos for finishing...hope this helps.

Did you put your real name on the title page?

Kill the orphan lines.  i.e. “Are you actually going to mope around the apartment? On fucking Valentine’s Day?” can be changed easily to “You’re actually gonna mope around the apartment on fuckin Valentine’s Day?!”  and there, you save a line and the script looks better without changing a thing.

Is the alter ego a reflection or a full-blown vision?

Oh Jerry’s tripping balls? off weed... Thanks for telling me at the end of the scene… You can’t just drop a note in there like that, come on.

Pretty convenient resolution to this one.

I like the idea of 2 high people having a meet cute, but there were a bunch of problems in the story and the writing if I’m being honest.  The germ of an idea is there.

Also I must have missed the relevance of the title.

Your logline is not a logline.

For the milk, wouldn't it be over black? Why cap SOUND when STEAMING MILK is what we hear. These things can be tricky to write if you don't know how the readers hear will chew you up for getting it wrong. Just a heads up.

Do cap JERRY (20s) the first time we see him.

I dont think skull and crossbones needs to be capped. Unless they are super relevant to the story, there is no point.

Dont put dialogue in caps. Omgosh so may capitalization mistakes in only the first half a page. This might be a record lol.

There is an extra space between the line of dialogue between Jerry and the manager. Also continuous in your slug implies what we see takes place right after the previous scene. I don't think that would be the case here. Get rid of it.

Jerry 2.0? Is this a new character like Jerry and 2.0 side by side? Or just Jerry talking in a different voice? Or Jerry in his regular voice? You need to make it clear to the reader.

Pg 4 and I'm out. Sorry. Rule 1 of screenwriting. A reader will look for every chance to get out of reading your script. Don't give them that opportunity. All the mistakes distract me from the read so instead of focusing on your story, all I see are the mistakes.

This looks to me like a case of a writer who knows more than they should with the fact that all the formatting stuff is in here, it's just used all wrong. Keep writing, keep practicing. Best of luck.

Hey Writer,

I won't repeat what others have said about formatting, CAPPING and so on. They're easy to fix and should be to keep the reader engaged.

This is a boy-meets-girl story that doesn't check all the boxes for a typical rom-com... but it's got romance and comedy, so it's doing well for this competition. I agree the roommate is not essential, but I for one liked the Jerry 2.0 idea. Just need to be clear about how Jerry sees him.

The notes in brackets don't belong; this information needs to be presented as part of the story. You need to decide how much you are going to assume your reader knows about the topic, and explain from there.

It appears that we see Jerry's distorted reality whenever he's the focus. This can be explained a bit more visually (and maybe through audio as well?). Switching the focus to someone who's sober can highlight the contrast and simultaneously reassure the audience that the weird stuff is not actually happening.

To bring the comedy element into the bookstore, the two of them should work together somehow to overcome immense obstacles in their quest to retrieve the book, probably as Jerry 2.0 pleads with Jerry to give his old flame another chance. Then switch to a sober employee's point of view to show Jerry's maybe one step up on a ladder, fighting off a non-existent Jerry 2.0, and Sandy's efforts to stabilize the ladder are probably making things worse.

This could probably expand into a traditional rom-com by adding in the boy-loses-girl complication followed by the boy-regains-girl resolution.

On page 1, the Hipster Couple is horrified at the designs Jerry puts on their drinks. You'd think a Hipster Couple would at least pretend to see humor in them. And the Manager was awful quick to pull the trigger on Jerry's employment.

Calvin's badgering could easily be given to Jerry 2.0, who was damn funny. I would definitely make Jerry 2.0 a more important facet of this script.

The substance-fueled exchange of euphemisms was okay, but I would have liked to learn a bit more about their background, other than the fact that they're both coming off failed relationships. I want to like these people, but all I learn is that they're both literate.

At the end, maybe you could bring Jerry 2.0 back. Jerry 2.0 still wants Jerry to call Sarah, which forces Jerry to clarify in his own mind why he needs to let go of her and give Sandy a chance.

Jerry needs to be in caps, Sarah doesn't. Writing int. Shelves isn't right.  Odd location to be in.  The romance was so light, I'd say this was a dramedy.  The two Jerrys scene doesn't work for me.  

Overall, the story wasn't strong for me.  Needs more work.

Some odd formatting, I'd lose the CUT TOs for a start.

5 pages in and finally a love interest?

But then, what he get her a book from a shelf?

Sorry, not enough rom or com for me.