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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Memories
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JamminGirl
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 3:29am Report to Moderator
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Thanks.

I'm not sure I got the writer's intent...
Format was good. Action bare, but I have to say, Ellen is not very smart, is she? Keeps doing the same thing expecting a different result each time.


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton

Revision History (1 edits)
JamminGirl  -  April 11th, 2009, 3:56am
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stebrown
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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I thought it was pretty well written and it was a pretty funny joke. If someone told me this joke I would have laughed and said "Hey, that's a pretty funny joke!"

You were supposed to be writing a drama though, so writing a joke doesn't really qualify as far as I can see. Still, better than not entering. Would have preferred you to at least try to stick with the genre.


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Astrid
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Just a short joke. Is it even original? Idk. Just seems like not much effort was put into this one.
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JonnyBoy
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Gotta agree with Ste, really - the punchline made me laugh, but this wasn't really what the challenge was looking for, methinks. This is basically a joke told in screenplay format. Funny, but ultimately pointless.

Scores:

Meeting the competition criteria: well, there was a family, and picnic. But Eddie's activities don't count as secrets, and this definitely isn't 'drama' - 2/10
Characters: Not a great deal of characterisation to be honest, but Eddie was reasonably funny - 4/10
Dialogue: all set up for the punchline, which I did laugh at - 5/10
Story: well...there wasn't one. Not really - 3/10
Writing/format: couldn't see much wrong here - 8/10

TOTAL: 22/50


Guess who's back? Back again?
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JamminGirl
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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See, I didn't even realize it was supposed to be one of those "three men went in a bar" kind of thing. Didn't get the joke.


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
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michel
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey I just realize is it a coincidence but every characters has familly 's first name from the Grisworld.

Clarck, Ellen, Rusty and Audrey having a picnic ; Even Uncle Eddie's here.

Poor Uncle,  I deeply understand his hidden secret and what drama could he Had...

LOL


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bobtheballa
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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No drama, no secret, no story really. I assume this isn't supposed to be taken as a serious entry.

It got half a chuckle out of me but that's about it.
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Cam17
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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This joke sounded very familiar.  I could swear I heard it or read it before somewhere, but can't remember where.

It read like you just switched a couple things in the joke to make it barely fit into the parameters of the challenge.

Not a bad joke, though.


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Murphy
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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This was okay for what it was really, funny and well written enough. I think JonnyBoy summed it up perfectly however, It was pointless.
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BryMo
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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I can't fathom why this was entered....

Kinda funny, a small chuckle.

But seriously.


Seriously.


Seriously.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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electricsatori
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Blatant plagarism.  Be careful, you do not want to get labeled as a hack.



DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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George Willson
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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Ok, I rolled my eyes a couple of times during this. It ran quickly through its paces, and to be honest, only barely followed the theme, since I can't see this being a "secret" insomuch as no one ever asked Eddie about this before. And sorry, this wasn't a drama at all. Nothing dramatic happened.

The first two "incidents" were kinda stupid. And then came the punchline. This is where I give you credit. You can tell a good joke at the very least.

And yeah, I caught the Griswold reference too.


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jayrex
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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This is not a drama and can see no secret revealed.  This was more like a skit.  Probably best for the short section.

That being said, I liked it.

All the best.


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rc1107
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Michel
Hey I just realize is it a coincidence but every characters has familly 's first name from the Grisworld.


Clarck, Ellen, Rusty and Audrey

Damn it!  I usually notice things like that and it went right over my head this time.  I'm disappointed in myself.

I did get a chuckle out of it, so I guess that's good.  Followed the picnic them well enough, maybe even the secret, but definately not a drama.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Ahh memories...Reminds me of the time the cowboy rode into town from a hard ride on the trail.

He walked into the local tavern, and pulling up to the bar, asked the madam if he could have some company for the night...

She smiled, and said "Naw, all my girls are gone...We do have them, though..." She points into the back corral, in which there are a dozen female sheep...

The cowboy hesitated..."Well, I reckon things sure is different here, but...alright...I'll take that purty little ewe over by the water trough".

The madam is aghast! The other patrons look at the cowboy with scorn and shame!

"But I thought ya'll were OK with this here!" the cowboy sputtered.

"We are" said the Madam, "But that's the Sheriff's gal!"


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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