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I'm not sure I got the writer's intent... Format was good. Action bare, but I have to say, Ellen is not very smart, is she? Keeps doing the same thing expecting a different result each time.
I thought it was pretty well written and it was a pretty funny joke. If someone told me this joke I would have laughed and said "Hey, that's a pretty funny joke!"
You were supposed to be writing a drama though, so writing a joke doesn't really qualify as far as I can see. Still, better than not entering. Would have preferred you to at least try to stick with the genre.
Gotta agree with Ste, really - the punchline made me laugh, but this wasn't really what the challenge was looking for, methinks. This is basically a joke told in screenplay format. Funny, but ultimately pointless.
Scores:
Meeting the competition criteria: well, there was a family, and picnic. But Eddie's activities don't count as secrets, and this definitely isn't 'drama' - 2/10 Characters: Not a great deal of characterisation to be honest, but Eddie was reasonably funny - 4/10 Dialogue: all set up for the punchline, which I did laugh at - 5/10 Story: well...there wasn't one. Not really - 3/10 Writing/format: couldn't see much wrong here - 8/10
Shorts: Good Golly Miss Molly No Place Like Home New Moon Rising Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW! The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody Toy Soldier This Modern Love A Virgin State of Mind
Ok, I rolled my eyes a couple of times during this. It ran quickly through its paces, and to be honest, only barely followed the theme, since I can't see this being a "secret" insomuch as no one ever asked Eddie about this before. And sorry, this wasn't a drama at all. Nothing dramatic happened.
The first two "incidents" were kinda stupid. And then came the punchline. This is where I give you credit. You can tell a good joke at the very least.
Ahh memories...Reminds me of the time the cowboy rode into town from a hard ride on the trail.
He walked into the local tavern, and pulling up to the bar, asked the madam if he could have some company for the night...
She smiled, and said "Naw, all my girls are gone...We do have them, though..." She points into the back corral, in which there are a dozen female sheep...
The cowboy hesitated..."Well, I reckon things sure is different here, but...alright...I'll take that purty little ewe over by the water trough".
The madam is aghast! The other patrons look at the cowboy with scorn and shame!
"But I thought ya'll were OK with this here!" the cowboy sputtered.
"We are" said the Madam, "But that's the Sheriff's gal!"
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper