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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Always and Forever
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  Author    OWC - Always and Forever  (currently 4565 views)
Don
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Always and Forever by someone - Short, Drama - A family has a picnic in the park. Unfortunately, it'll be their last. - pdf, format


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Astrid
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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I loved the first scene. The discriptions and dialogue were very well written. My expectations were up. After that tho, it just went down hill for me. The writing continued to be good, but i was confused, maybe my fault, but why did Hector kill himself? Why are the streets filled with trash? Why are people fighting with the police? Are these things explained?
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Andrew
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Someone!

I like this one. It escapes me right now, but this is very like a film I have seen, but cannot pinpoint it. The pixilated conversation reminded me of Tom Cruise not being able to let go in 'Minority Report'.

The premise of this one then is interesting. Trevor has trouble letting go after the death of Sadie and Cade - was he intended to be emaciated and depressed like Trevor in 'The Machinist'? I assume that was an influence. That is a great film, by the way.

With regard to Astrid's questions above - I assume Hector's suicide, and the civil unrest was due to the imminent asteroid? The ending was satisfactory for me, as I like a happy ending now and again.

This was pretty good, and I enjoyed the read.

Andrew


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JonnyBoy
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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This was sad, but I did enjoy it. I agree with the Minority Report comparison - there's also a bit of Deep Impact here, and particularly the wonderful Children of Men.

Meeting the competition criteria: you have the family and the picnic, albeit under slightly unusual circumstances. However, I don't see a secret. That Sadie and Cade are dead is a reveal, but it's not a secret. So therefore, this doesn't quite meet the criteria for me - 6/10
Characters: I liked them. They were well drawn and sympathetic. Trevor I sympathised with, Hector I was intrigued by. Sadie and Cade were pretty bland, but fine - 7/10
Dialogue: generally pretty good. However, I was expecting a level of poignancy and emotion between Sadie and Trevor just before the asteroid struck which you didn't quite deliver on - 6/10
Story: I'm a fan of end-of-the-world stories if they're done right. As I've already mentioned, Children of Men is one of my favourite films. The Road, by Cormac McCarthy, is one of my favourite books. So I did like this. Hector's suicide, and the call, were both good touches. I wonder, given just how imminent the impact is, if people would bother going out and smashing stuff up. They have hours to live - wouldn't they be at home with their families. I didn't like the ending. Tailor-made heavens where the protag is reunited with his family are cliche and sickly. Marks off for that - 7/10
Writing/format: generally fine. The repitition of 'trashed', particularly the phrase 'bit trashed like the streets', stood out as a low point for me - 7/10

TOTAL: 35/50


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JonnyBoy  -  April 11th, 2009, 5:43pm
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Astrid
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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"With regard to Astrid's questions above - I assume Hector's suicide, and the civil unrest was due to the imminent asteroid? The ending was satisfactory for me, as I like a happy ending now and again."

Oh, duh! VERY SORRY!
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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This one was pretty sad. Like the others said, it reminded me a lot like Armageddon, Deep Impact, all the such. (And, I agree with Mr. Johnny, Children of Men is a fantastic film. I can see how he sees that in this script, with the fighting in the streets and stuff?) I was a bit confused about what was going on in the middle when he goes to Hector's house and walking along the streets, but it was all explained at the end. I really liked the ending, too. I liked the sense of complete serenity (sometimes I wish I could have that feeling). Some of the dialogue was a bit...off, I guess, for me. I dunno. But other than that, I thought it was good.

Sean


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JamminGirl
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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So Trevor dies too. They're reunited. Ah!

I didn't see the influential films the others mentioned so at first I thought  finally an original story...


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
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michel
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Very good job, very imaginative. I know there is no secret revealed but it was a good read. I enjoyed it.


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one!  Very creative, and well written throughout.  One thing that stuck out was in the very beginning...you describe Trevor as being tall, and then you say Sadie is no taller than Trevor.  I don't get this at all...men are taller than women and when a man is described as being tall, then it goes without saying that he shoud be taller than the woman.

Pretty cool concept though and your writing worked for me all the way till the end, which I thought was pretty cool as well.

I think the super was placed in the wrong spot though.  Was this to show passage of time?  I don't recall knowing what the date was during the first picnic, or that Trevor had aged.

One of the best so far for sure though.  Good job.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  April 11th, 2009, 9:09pm
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mcornetto
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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You can always catch me with some sci-fi.  Nicely written and a good little story.  It was a bit light on the secret but well done for a week.
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Cam17
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 3:43am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one as well.  It was clever of you to set this in the future, which allows for the holographic technology as well as the asteroid.

Interesting, this is the second OWC script I've read with a dead guy with slit wrists in a bathtub.  From a picnic theme?  How does that happen?

But this story was well-rendered, I thought.  It reminds me of a Canadian movie that I can't remember the title of, where an asteroid is approaching Earth, and it shows the various reactions of people.  Some go wild, some stay home, some just go about their daily lives and wait for the inevitable.


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Andrew
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
It reminds me of a Canadian movie that I can't remember the title of, where an asteroid is approaching Earth, and it shows the various reactions of people.  Some go wild, some stay home, some just go about their daily lives and wait for the inevitable.


Cam,

If you recall the name of that movie, please let me know.

Sounds like something I would enjoy.

Andrew


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BryMo
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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You have a great attention to detail. It makes a reader feel enthralled in what’s going on. At least it did for me.

Your characters felt somewhat bland, but I got over it because the story seemed so good. It was so sad, and I like sad. But above all it was touching.

I say very nice job for the OWC!

Bryan


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Sham
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Two great scripts in a row. By far, the most original of any of the OWC entries.


Quoted from "BryMo"
You have a great attention to detail. It makes a reader feel enthralled in what’s going on. At least it did for me.

Your characters felt somewhat bland, but I got over it because the story seemed so good. It was so sad, and I like sad. But above all it was touching.

Although I personally found the characters compelling, this about sums up my thoughts. And other than a couple typos, I didn't see much to fix or change.

Truly terrific. And the writer did this in a week? Wow.


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jayrex
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Thought this was a great read.  Nothing bad to say.  There was a typo on page six, Cane instead of Cade.

I haven't read many but felt this one is the best so far.


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