Where Did He Touch You? by Santa Claus - Rick and Mandy are worried about their son Tommy not speaking.  They seek professional advice but don't receive the kind of answers they were expecting. 5 pages - Short, Horror, Comedy

First cab off the rank.

Hi writer,

This was listed as horror only, that worried me right out the gate. After reading the short, I'm not sure what the horror element is, I mean I get the story, the relationship between Tommy and Billy but I'm not sure its horror. A horrific thing but not horror.

The bigger issue for me is the lack of a second genre.

The writing is pretty good, nothing too flash, but gets the point across clearly.

I think it's a smart idea that should be expanded upon after the tournament. For me it doesn't quite work in the five pages and the lack of two distinguishable genres is an issue for me.

All the best.

Played out like a straight drama with a comedic stinger at the end.

I think I know what happened here, and whom it happened to...you started the script thinking any genre was allowed. It just didn't really work for the contest, it had a nice flow, though.

pg. 2 - To me it seems disingenuous that Mandy would be in denial of her son being touched, and she should seem more worried for her son’s health.
pg. 2 - “This time, let’s not say random thoughts” not sure what this means exactly.
pg. 4 - I think the segue into the flashback could be handled better, seems too abrupt currently.
pg. 5 - The ending also ends much too abruptly, and does not resolve most of what is described beforehand.

The opening and use of bobblehead was creepy, though the rest of the script failed to scare me, and it was missing a second genre.

No fusion of genre here.
Read like straight drama imho.

He’s vein.
Should be: vain.

I'm sorry, this just didn't gel for me.
The Bobblehead is not really intrinsic to plot.

Perhaps redraft so the Bobblehead is the Imaginary friend i.e. he hears it speak, won't go anywhere without it etc.

So Tommy has an imaginary friend who tells him not to speak?  Why would that be? And why does that keep Tommy from talking, period?  The imaginary friend said they agreed Tommy wouldn’t talk about him, not talk at all.

I thought maybe Mandy was the one with issues. She wants to figure out what’s wrong with her son but has problems with each doctor they go to.  Rick seems like the only normal one in the bunch.

The writing was fine, it was a fairly straightforward drama.  I didn’t sense a second genre here. Overall okay for me.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hi Writer,

First of the bunch...

Okay, no fusion genre here. Mostly drama with some comedic touches here and there. No sign of horror thought, except for the creepiness of the theme itself.

I'm not sure who the main character is, but I'll go with Mandy. If so, I'd suggest beginning with a conversation between her and Rick so that she insists on him to take his son to a specialist. This way you can do a small character arc later where she grows tired of doctors and finally decides to accept his son’s behavior. The flashback will be the cherry on top.

Overall, I found the story interesting, the writing is good and is easy to film so kudos for that. Even without major changes, I can see this one picked up if you punch up the ending a little.

Good job,
David

I'm confused. Tommy has a flashback to his room and his imaginary friend, which means it happened in the past and is supposed to reveal the reason why he isn't speaking. But so what? How is that interesting? Is the imaginary friend real and that's the secret? There's no way to tell.

Mandy is the more interesting story, but it isn't written as her story. It would be better as a vehicle for her and her inability to accept anything might be wrong with her child. If anything, Rick should be working hard to convince her otherwise.

The title was misleading, it has no bearing on the story. The lack of any acceptable genre, let alone the fusion of two, hurts this for the criteria section.

Typos aside, the writing is decent and the dialogue is okay but too long. Your strongest element is character, well done there.

Sorry this is totally lost on me. No horror/comedy either. As Lib said its just straight drama.

I think the writer had a good idea in there but ran out of time implementing it.  Writing was ok just the sotry meandered a bit

Hello writer

The title reminded me of Warren's short about the teddy getting therapy - That short was hilarious and I thought this may have gone a similar (more horrific) route - Because of that, I think my expectations were too high going into it.

Can you bob head and shoulders at the same time? odd

A bit jarring that you introduce the Mandy character that far into the scene - do we not see that she is there before this?

Ok I read it - There isn't a story here, just stuff that happens, I fail to see the point of it.

Sorry to say but I got bored. The writing itself also needs work, it's not terrible, but you are not there yet.

I've been avoiding this one because of the title. But, here goes...

"from his desk that resembles himself" Uh, technically this sentence states that the he looks like a desk. A bit sloppy on the writing.

Okay... done reading.

What happened? I mean, there's no complete story here. A beginning, a middle and a FADE OUT.

I need more than "young boy's perplexing silence is explained by the presence of a friend who tells him not to talk." It has to have some reason/consequence.

notes as I read

RICK, 29, looks worried. Sits next to Tommy.

This is one of those ways that "teaching" screenwriting screws people up. I believe what the writer means is Rick is sitting next to Tommy. But he's been told that 'ing' words are a sin, so he uses sits. But the result is confusing. Do we see Rick at this moment sit down on the couch? If so, then the wording is correct. But I suspect it's the former.

End notes

I'm not seeing ANY comedy here. I know comedy is subjective, but I'm not saying whether it's funny or not, I'm saying I don't see humor attempted. Actually, not really seeing horror either. Nor much reason for the bobblehead.

So, he has an imaginary friend that tells him not to talk. For this reason he's brought to aa shrink. My guess is having the first shrink try to get him to "touch" the bobblehead inappropriately is the attempt at humor? That doesn't play too well with a 3 year old.

I'm sorry I can't be more constructive. Have heart, we all struggled this round.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Hello writer The title reminded me of Warren's short about the teddy getting therapy - That short was hilarious

Thanks, mate. It's one of my all-time favourite scripts that I’ve written.

Hijack over... carry on  

Hi,

This one raised questions but provided no answers to them. Like why the child has an imaginary friend and plays with him that game.
Why are his parents worried as he's only three.
Why the psychaitrists are this strange way.

The story doesn't add up to me.

You could give your characters some motivation. And cut on dialog I guess. Make characters have a purspose.

As it is the story doesn't add up for me.

Writer,

Had some logic issues with this. Not sure why the doctor, I don’t care how vein he is or otherwise, would believe just because a child isn’t speaking means he had to be touched inappropriately. Doesn’t add up. Unless the doctor was a pedophile or something. Still, there’s no inclination that the doctor had these issues. Then the end. Imaginary friend.  It’s all kind of pieced together with no rhyme or reason.

Steve

Good story, and interesting that the parents really didn't want to know the truth of what happened to their kid. Though it was humorous, I couldn't detect any element of horror.

Where Did He Touch You?

p2 could 've had a little more physicality, movement to spice up the picture during the talk.

I was on board here. I liked it.

Okay, so not seeing genre fusion.

Feels more drama with a few barbed lines thrown in.

Writing was good though, well paced and readable.

Liked the way the exiting from the Drs office was replicated.

Love the generic opening Slug.

Really like the 1st passage ending in a completely unnecessary orphan.

Really poorly done how Rick and Mandy just seem to appear in the scene.

"It’s okay Mr Hunter I understand." - How many things are wrong in this 6 word dialogue?  There 3 obvious mistakes, and I'd even say 4, as "Mr" should end in a period, like it actually does (yeah, some will argue that it should actually be spelled out, but I don't agree with that).

You're missing 2 commas here, in front of and after "Mr. Hunter".  What else could possibly be wrong, that no one else will see?  It's the fact that you used "Mr. Hunter", but you didn't intro Rick as RICK HUNTER.

Make sense?

Opening Slug on top of Page 2 isn't properly formatted - no commas in Slugs, use -.  And, again, since you're now using the family's last name in Slugs, you need to intro them with first and last name immediately.

Page 3 - Another problematic Slug - what's wrong here?  Well...it's identical to your opening Slug, but it's not the same location, which is a classic example of why I always stress to be exact and descriptive with your Slugs.

Flashback is incorrect as formatted - start with BEGIN FLASHBACK, then on a new line, put your Slug and when you're all done, on its own line, END FLASHBACK

The end. Oh boy...

Story - nonexistent
Characters - cliche
Dialogue - nothing good
Prose - pretty poor
Criteria - no horror, no comedy, and very weak use of bobbleheads.

This one is kind of odd, but not really in a good way.

The way you introduced the characters was confusing, and most of the action was kinda bland IMO.. I just couldn't picture this one visually in my head.

The story didn't really click with me. Nothing made me laugh, and I see absolutely no horror. But you nailed the psychiatrist's office. The bobblehead less so.

Not a terrible effort. Better luck next round.

It's 'vain'... fuck!

The Mr, Dr... thing... this is fine not to have a period or full stop as we call them here. There's a company I work for that check over my scripts and when they come back to me there's always a red line under where I've left the full stop (period) off Mr and Dr et al. I correct everything else but I always send the next draft back without adding the full stops. Here in the UK, it is becoming the norm not to use them... and this will soon spread around the world. Our language and the way we use and write it is constantly evolving.

Those full stops can sometimes get a little messy... like take this example here:

"British usage favours omitting the full stop in abbreviations which include the first and last letters of a single word, such as Mr, Mrs, Ms, Dr and St; American usage prefers (A) Mr., Mrs., Ms., Dr. and St., with full stops."

Notice how the comma after the full stop looks really messy? That's why.

The main thing to consider, whether you follow current trends or not, is consistency. Either you're using them or you're not. It is only incorrect when a mixture of both is used.


Everyone believes the kid is being abused, even the parents to a certain degree. When, really, he just has an invisible friend. It's not told very well. I think that's the issue. I see your point... probably a difficult one to work.

Where was the horror and comedy? Things just didn't add up here, making it a non-story for me. Not sure where the arc was supposed to go and why did she say 'Bitch' at the end?

Not for me. And if having a bobblehead is standard practice for shrinks nowadays, I think I'll save some $$. The husband/father has more patience and tolerance than me.