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First one out of the blocks, and not a bad start. Well-written, but I found myself thinking in spots -- where is the sci-fi? But sci-fi is not just about space ships and outer space type stuff, it's also about futuristic scenarios and man versus machine situations.
The back and forth between Bryson (Jesus Christ?) and the Amazon representative was humorous, and you set things up well for the ending. But I guess I was left wondering why Bryson took the actions he did at the end with the drones. After all, they were there to help him, and he treats the drones like crap. It's just a bit over the top for me.
Still, you sustained the story through that point, so great job there.
Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge!
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
You depict technology and Big Brother gone mad very well. Bryson hates technology, hates talking to and dealing with robots instead of humans, He's 'old school'. He shoots the drones but gets what he needs from them anyway - first-aid. One could argue 'don't bite the hand that feeds you' - it might not turn out so well next time, but for the purpose of send-up and depicting a future with the potential dangers of automation and getting rid of humans, I think it hits the mark. I was wondering how you were going to pull it all together at the end but you did so beautifully. Terrific satire. Exceptionally well conceived and written. Great humour.
Nothing else to say, except I'm envious. Show-off!!
Not only sci-fi but a comedy too. Well at least humorous. I enjoyed this one. The future of Amazon owning what must seem like everything. Good to see you’ve used drones. Sci-fi but also relevant. This one meets the criteria for sure. Decent story. And a potential warning of our future.
Great piece of satire with good humor. It meets the criteria perfectly. I loved the ending. The only thing I wish is, if you have shown the negative side of machines/technology, it would have given a better reason for our protagonist to behave the way he is behaving. But, excellent short.
He YELLS an impressive soliloquy of choice profanity.
I like it
Is this laughing? It feels out of place.
Just realised that all your (O.S.) needs to be (V.O.). Off screen means the person is in the scene but not on the screen, that is not correct for this instance.
So we have almost two pages of phone conversation, I'd inject a bit more action to make it more visual. Something as simple as making him pace, or scratch his head.
Time passes and the sun is now high overhead.
How much time? How long are we watching time pass? May be better to indicate this with MOMENTS LATER or LATER.
BRYSON I'm just old school.
I get how this ties into what he said earlier, I’m not sure how it ties the story together though. Why is he old school because he destroys the drone? Or is it tied into him resisting? That needs to be developed a bit more to make sense.
I like this world, probably not too dissimilar to what the future will look like, Amazon will soon run the world.
Good writing on display for the most part. Couple things I mentioned that I think need changing. The dialogue is good and the criteria has been met.
Much to like in this one. The social commentary is excellent. Loved it.
I wasn't as enamored with the back and forth phone conversation with the "agent". I get what you're going for, and you go there, but I think a bit more smoothing/punching up here would help. You obviously know what you're doing, so it probably wouldn't take you very long to make this section even stronger than it is.
Given more time and space to write, I also hope you'll expand the ending just a tad... maybe draw it out just a bit more (not much). Show him pulling on his mask. Give us a moment to say, "what the hell is he doing?" Then pay if off.
Finally, shooting down the drone doesn't solve his broken down car problem. Though, one thought: now that you're free of the parameters, consider ditching the whole broken down car thing altogether. Story goes like this: Man gets hurt. Man needs medical supplies. Man sets ambush for drones. So, basically exactly what you have without the car breaking down. Only difference is that the entire thing is a deliberate setting of a trap, instead of his improvising when his car breaks down.
Thanks for sharing. Fun read.
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This is an unwarranted attack on our master, but I’ll pretend not to be offended. The first thing to note is that the handsaw doesn’t actually do anything except lie on the Tesla’s hood. However, a future in which Amazon takes over everything is science fiction. For now.
In by-gone days, Bryson would’ve been comfortable hauling a burro loaded down with mining gear. Which leads to the question “What is Bryson doing out here in the middle of nowhere?” The gear the Tesla is carrying could tell us something about his life.
I liked the interaction with the Amazon customer reps, but perhaps Bryson could have been doing something at the same time he’s talking—maybe unpacking stuff and setting up a camp. As it is, there’s a two-page static scene.
The ending fits in perfectly with Bryson’s character, but pissing off Amazon the way he does is a sure way to bring down justifiable retribution from above.
Yeah, I like this. It might have worked a little better to have a short montage instead of just saying "Time passes". Maybe have Bryson doing push ups in the middle of the street, reading a book, burning scorpions with a magnifying glass?
Broken down car: check. Handsaw: Not an active participant but I guess the whole story revolved around the object, so check.
Jesus H. Christ, SAME in a slugline? Love the dialogue in this one. Captures the hell of voice response units perfectly. You know, the dispatcher knows where the drones were lost, and that car isn't going anywhere.