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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Pub Lunch Moderators: bert
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abelorfao
Posted: September 24th, 2009, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, alffy, I've just read your script and I'll post my thoughts below.

I thought the story was quite fun and a fairly good blend between horror and comedy. The plot reminded me of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2", only your screenplay succeeds where that film failed. Your descriptions were crisp and to the point, and the script as a whole was a breeze to read. Still, there are a few things you may want to consider in your next draft.

In my opinion, I think you missed a great opportunity for a slow build which would lead to a "Soylent Green" moment. Instead, the audience learns every detail of the plot by Page 18. Even worse, we learn of the plan well before the main characters do which means we have to wait for them to catch up. You may want to consider parceling out the information so the audience is just as surprised as Gav, Russ, and Mozza.

The comedy was well-written and humorous throughout, which is why I was thrown for a loop by the way Mozza killed Jason. I know Jason's not a sympathetic character, but it was rather disconcerting to see Mozza kill a defenseless and unresisting man in such a cold fashion. It was hard for me to find any of his comments amusing after this. You may want to tweak this scene so Mozza's actions are more defensible.

There are also plenty of other areas which could be mined for more laughs. For example, I could see the butcher opining of the quality of the meat pies in relation to the age, size, and diet of the victims. Would Derek be too fatty for those on a diet? Would the frail spinster be too gamy? You could also ratchet up the physical comedy when Jason chases after Colin as well as during the two major fight scenes.

I'll echo 1987brian's comments and say you need to keep an eye on your grammar, especially your use (or lack thereof) of commas and question marks. Here are the notes I made as I went through your script.

Page 1 to 3: You may want to include a brief exchange where Colin frets to Susan they are on the wrong road, as this would give you a change to introduce the audience to Colin along with the others in the coach.

Page 2: The phrase "two weeks in the Costa's" should be "two weeks in the Costas." Mozza's North Shore Moors comment should end with a question mark.

Page 3: Susan's second line should end with a question mark or interrobang (?!).

Page 4: Mozza's line and the first sentence of Russ's first line should end with question marks.

Page 10: I believe the phrase "not get anywhere" should be "not getting anywhere." Gav's line should end with a question mark or interrobang.

Page 11: Jess's line and the first sentence in Susan's first line should end with question marks.

Page 12: Russ's exclamation in his second line should end with an interrobang.

Page 13: The phrase "cross eyed" should be "cross-eyed." I believe the phrase "need some fresh" should be "need some fresh meat." The phrase "Walkie Talkie" should be "walkie-talkie."

Page 14: I would add a question mark at the end of Susan's third line and replace the question marks in Susan's last line with periods.

Page 18: Although there's no way for him to know its true origins, I was surprised Gav didn't complain to the management about the fingernail in his meat pie.

Page 21: Kelly's first line should end with a question mark.

Page 22: The phrase "love birds" should be "lovebirds." Mozza's first line should end with a question mark.

Page 23: I believe the phrase "you're go into town" should be "you're going into town." Mozza's first line and Gav's second line should end with question marks.

Page 25: The phrase "stone age" should be "Stone Age."

Page 28: Russ's second line should end with a period.

Page 38: The phrase "he freezes in the darkness" would work better as its own sentence.

Page 43: This may be my unfamiliarity with life on the other side of the pond, but I found it odd there doesn't seem to be any law enforcement in the village. Even if they were in on the plan, I'd think there would be at least one officer on duty Colin could talk to.

Page 48: The phrase "half naked" should be "half-naked."

Page 51 to 53: The phrase "Walkie Talkie" should be "walkie-talkie."

Page 54: I know he's not exactly Parent of the Year, but we haven't been given a reason to understand why Jess would speak so bluntly to Kelly as he does here.

Page 55: Kelly's line should end with a question mark.

Page 56: The phrase "no where" should be "nowhere."

Page 57: The phrase "Walkie Talkie" should be "walkie-talkie." The phrase "Half way" should be "Halfway."

Page 58: The phrase "coaches underbelly" should be "coach's underbelly." Gav's first line should end with a question mark.

Page 59: The phrase "the smashes front windscreen" should be "the smashed front windscreen."

Page 60: The phrase "into the Rape Seed" should be "into the rapeseed."

Page 62: The second word in Mozza's first line should not be capitalized.

Page 64: Gav's first line should end with a question mark. The phrase "wide eyed" should be "wide-eyed."

Page 65: Gav's forth line should end with a question mark.

Page 66: The phrase "Walkie Talkie" should be "walkie-talkie."

Page 68: The phrase "Right lets get Russ" should be "Right, let's get Russ."

Page 69: The phrase "over weight" should be "overweight."

Page 70: The phrase "Jerry can" should be "jerry can." Gav's last line should end with a question mark.

Page 71: Mozza's first line should end with a question mark. The phrase "a large clever" should be "a large cleaver."

Page 72: The phrase "nail less finder" should be "nailless finger."

Page 73: The phrase "all but naked body" should be "all-but-naked body."

Page 75: Gav's first line should end with a question mark.

Page 76: Mozza's exclamation after Gav's friendly greeting to Kelly should end with an interrobang.

Page 79: The phrase "blood wet floor" should be "blood-wet floor." The word "dad" in Kelly's dialogue should be "Dad."

Page 80: The phrase "light headed" should be "light-headed." The phrase "arms length" should be "arm's length." Jess's line should end with a question mark.

Page 81: The phrase "pale looking" should be "pale-looking."

Page 82: The phrase "finger nails" should be "fingernails." The phrase "blood soaked floor" should be "blood-soaked floor."

Page 83: The phrase "finger less hand" should be "fingerless hand." The word "dad" in Kelly's dialogue should be "Dad." Gav's first line should end with a question mark.

Page 85: The phrase "blood soaked apron" should be "blood-soaked apron."

I hope this response helps you, alffy, and good luck with your script.
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alffy
Posted: September 25th, 2009, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey Abel

Thanks for the read mate.  I guess the major thing I've learned from the reviews I've recieved so far is 'you need to add a question mark' lol.  Actually although you're right on most of your calls, there are a few instances where the dialogue reads like a question but it doesn't call for an answer, therefore it's more of a statement and a question mark is redundant.

Thanks for pointing out the mistakes, I'll be sure to correct these.  Also I think you suggested a few things that I don't understand, maybe they're Americanisms?  What's a 'interrobang'?


Quoted from abelorfao
I thought the story was quite fun and a fairly good blend between horror and comedy. The plot reminded me of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2", only your screenplay succeeds where that film failed.


Glad you enjoyed it but I've never seen TCM 2 so I can't comment on that.


Quoted from abelorfao
You may want to tweak this scene so Mozza's actions are more defensible.


This never occured to me before but you've got a point, thanks for pointing it out.

I'll aim to keep the audience in the dark until the lads discover the truth in the rewrite.


Quoted from abelorfao
Although there's no way for him to know its true origins, I was surprised Gav didn't complain to the management about the fingernail in his meat pie.


This is a British thing or definately a northern thing, we never complain about anything, we don't like to make a fuss.


Quoted from abelorfao
I thought the story was quite fun and a fairly good blend between horror and comedy.


Well I seem to have got the blend right between horror and comedy.

Thanks for the read mate and I should have my review of Midnight Lake up by tomorrow night.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
alffy  -  September 25th, 2009, 11:28am
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alffy
Posted: September 25th, 2009, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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I forgot to answer a question of yours Abel.  

I lived in small village but bigger than my fictional setting and we never had a police station, infact there was one station that covered the neighbouring villages.  That's one station for about a ten mile radious.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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abelorfao
Posted: September 25th, 2009, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hello again, alffy. I'll just add a few quick comments on your last posts.

I suppose our differences on what should and shouldn't be phrased as a question as well as whether the police should be a greater presence come from a cultural perspective. Since you're the one from England, I'll happily defer to your judgment.

An interrobang is a question mark followed by an exclamation point and is used when someone shouts out a question, like this: "You told my wife about the affair?! What were you thinking?!"

Finally, the TCM 2 remark comes from a subplot in that film where Leatherface's father becomes the Texas-Okalahoma Chili Contest champion thanks to his secret recipe. Don't worry about not having seen the film. Trust me, it's not worth the pain.
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alffy
Posted: September 25th, 2009, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from abelorfao
An interrobang is a question mark followed by an exclamation point and is used when someone shouts out a question, like this: "You told my wife about the affair?! What were you thinking?!"


I'd already checked this out, you learn something everyday lol.  I've never heard it called that before.

I'll stay clear of TCM 2 then lol.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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alffy
Posted: September 30th, 2009, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Hopefully all the spelling mistakes are now sorted in this update.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Niles_Crane
Posted: October 4th, 2009, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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Hi Alffy

Finally got here. It would be pointless to give you a detailed review as I'd just be going over the ground so well overed by others above.

But I must say that I did like this and it had a lot to recommend it. As has been noted, it fits into a strain of British Comedy Horror that is very big at the moment (but has always been present - we like to treat our Horror with a good deal of tongue in cheek). I have not seen "The Cottage" that Brian mentioned (is that the one with that girl from "Brookside"?) but it does certainly fit alongside films such as "Severence".

I was thinking that this would be a perfect calling card project - this is the film that can get made in the UK, especially given the opportunities for the leads to be filled by comedy actors (Horne and Corden would have been better of in something like this than the abysmal "Lesbian Vampire Killers"!).

Have you submitted it to anyone? Not just production companies (always a problem I know, as they tend not to read stuff on spec), but Agents (if you haven't got one) - I really think, even though it does need a bit of work here and there, that this would attract a lot of attention.
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alffy
Posted: October 4th, 2009, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Niles, cheers for the positive comments.

I have thought about sending this out but really I'm not sure who or where to send it, also whether sending a treatment would be better?  Any ideas?

I think I want to get a few more comments to help with a rewite before I do anything further too.

Thanks again for the comments.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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James McClung
Posted: October 5th, 2009, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony. For fear of repeating myself, I'm going to keep this review a little more brief than usual. I think you're already aware of my feelings about the short. Anyway, if I hadn't read the short, I would have assumed you wrote the feature from scratch. It seems you've made all the right choices in adapting the short into a longer piece. The "lads" are about the same as I remember except you've added a slight romantic interest for Gav. Mozza's also got a brief although unfortunately botched romantic encounter. It does do a little in setting the characters apart but they're still relatively simple characters. That's okay. I think simplicity works for the sake of the comedy. I do like what you've done with the family unit. This, I think was the biggest improvement from the short. All the sisters are different. You could've easily made them all killers. I also like the backstory about the mother. Not sure this was even necessary, although it does help Kelly's character arc.

The extra stuff (stealing the bus, the field romp) works well enough I suppose. It's a little slower than I expected, just given the gross nature of the short. It's all pretty suspenseful though and adds new flavor to the story. It does seem like you've saved most of the gross stuff for the end though. That's okay, I suppose. I did like the scene with Jason getting whacked. More funny than gross but the dialogue was hysterical, if only because of how natural it seemed for these particular characters. I wouldn't try to beef up the gore. I think that might work against you. Although perhaps the scene with Mozza and Laura could've run a little longer. A scythe seems like a poor weapon to waste.

Anyway, I liked it. I was surprised at how, aside from the humor, you were able to write two different versions of the same story. The short was a lot more speedy and punchier while the feature had more of a drawn out sense of impending doom. Not sure which one I like better. The short's a lot easier to swallow but I always appreciate the slow burn approach in horror movies. Anyway, I think you did a very good, rather seamless job making the jump from short to feature. Bravo.


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alffy
Posted: October 6th, 2009, 3:36am Report to Moderator
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Thanks James, glad you didn't dislike this having really enjoyed the short lol

I also think the Mozza and Laura romantic scene could be beefed a little.

I had a few reservations about the feedback from people who had read the short and then read the feature, the slower pace was definately top of my list.  I don't think I could have kept up the relentless pace of the short for almost 90 pages.  I wanted the characters to be more individual and of course this takes a bit of time.

Anywho, glad you enjoyed it and thanks again for the comments.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here

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alffy  -  December 2nd, 2009, 3:48pm
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SteveUK
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Hi alffy,

I've been meaning to read this since it was uploaded & I've finally gotten round to it - better late than never!

I really enjoyed this, and found it to be a good mix of humour and gore. It kinda reminded me of a cross between Shaun of the Dead & Hot Fuzz, which is no bad thing.

I've made some notes with suggestions, spelling corrections etc, but I may just be repeating things that other people have said, so I didn't want to take up space by listing them here.

When I get the chance to type them up I'll send them over in a PM - I'll try to get it done before the weekend.
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alffy
Posted: October 23rd, 2009, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve, cheers for the read mate and I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Yeah, no worries just pm the corrections when you get chance, cheers for that.  Also, Simon Pegg is a legend so thanks for the comparison, although I know it's not in talent lol.  Thanks again.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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alffy
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New draft is up.  Just a few minor changes that hopefully clear up a few things.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Scoob
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Hi Anthony,

Really enjoyed reading this one again and even though I thoroughly enjoyed the previous draft, this is definitely improved and better overall. It's still really funny, some great lines in here and situations. You definitely gave Kelly more character here and it pays off, whereas before I guess her sudden turnaround was a bit sudden, here it feels just about right. The same goes for Laura and Jess, I think you have a good balance here now.

Good idea to introduce the guys showing them in the kitchen in the first page.
9. Kelly with Gav seems a lot colder at first which is a good thing. And a good idea to introduce the father daughter relationship and the mother story early on here.
I like how you built up Gav and Kelly's relationship.

I only found a couple of typos : 20: Gav's first line at top of page misses a word. 30 - Mozza "phone or somet" 54 - Gav "Somet" 60 - Gav missed word, 74 - Mozza missed word,

lol Mozza " couldn't the cow run?".
31 - I like how you have got the lads to stay at the pub, Laura and Kelly definitely play bigger roles here.
41 - The scene with Mozza and Laura I thought was good in the original version but this is hilarious! Great job.
48 - The guys seem to have figured out the intentions earlier if I remember rightly and I think this is another good choice.
51 - The two old women talking about bingo made me laugh. Loved the way you used it at the end.
The final showdown in the kitchen was great, bloody and funny as hell!

Great job!




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Scoob  -  December 8th, 2009, 10:38pm
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alffy
Posted: December 9th, 2009, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Malcolm, cheers for the re-read.

I'm glad you thought I'd improved it.  

I thought the lads being in the first montage would at least show them as chefs.  A few people made a good comment that they weren't sure what the lads were doing at college, I think this should now clear it up.

I tried to add more to Kelly and Laura, as they were a little thin in the first draft.  Gav and Kelly's relationship didn't work brilliantly in draft one but hopefully it's improved and become, at least, a bit more believable?

As for the Laura and Mozza 'love' scene, yeah I extended this a tad to try and build a bit more suspense and also cos I thought it was funny lol.

Bingo = funny! lol.

Is the update of 'Graveyard' up yet.  I'm going to check it...honest.  Let me know if it's up or when it goes up and i'll check it out.

Thanks again for the comments and glad you enjoyed it again.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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