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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Pub Lunch Moderators: bert
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  Author    Pub Lunch  (currently 12968 views)
jwent6688
Posted: March 14th, 2012, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy,

Decided to give this a look today. I didn't want to take page by page notes, but there is a good deal of typos and mistakes on this one. I'm really just gonna concentrate on the story.

I've reached page 40 and had to stop and write a few things. I'm guessing you're shooting for a Sweeney Todd thing here with the mysterious meat pies? We shall soon see...

Two main problems you're probably gonna be called out for is that #1. I'm not sure who our protag is at this point, It could be Gav or Russ. I'm guessing Mozza is the comic relief and I like his character thus far. But, I'm unclear as to who we are supposed to connect the most with at this point.

#2 40 pages in and nothing has really happened except a bunch of banter between the fellas. Yes, Its pretty good and entertaining, but you're not sucking me into the story, yet. I think thats a mistake. Something significant should've happened by now that compells me to move forward...


JESS
Evening Kelly. - think this should be Laura. pg 28

These girls really seem like some sex starved minxes. They cling to the boys straight away. I found it a bit odd, but we'll see if it ties in with the story.

Page 48 seems to be where we turn to act two when Mozza realizes that Laura was about to kill him. This should've happened about 18 pages ago and I think you could cut much from the opening to get it there.

The death of Colin was a good one. Could see that come off pretty funny on film.

I'm to page 82 now and i'm a bit sorry that kelly hasn't shown up again. I thought you missed an oppurtunity for her to be part of the gang once they go on the run. There could have been some good lines during the chaos between her and mozza...

Was surpsrised to see Russ' body in the kitchen already. I understood that he was bagged by Howard, I just didn't get that he was already delivered to the slab. Maybe a cut away scene is needed before Mozza and Gav get back to the kitchen.

KELLY
Thatís for fucking my dad. - pg 98. This came out of nowhere for me. Did you set this up earlier? I didn't catch it if you did. I would remove it.

DORIS
Two books and dabber for me
please, love. - pg 99. As an ending line, I'll admit, i did not get the relevance of it. What was it supposed to mean?

This is pretty over-the-top comedy. I like it alot, but it has problems. Mt two main points would be to kick it off faster and give kelly a larger role. She did mention she wanted to change and i would like her to go on the lam with these fellers as soon as act two kicks off.

The point I bring up about kicking this off faster is one my own script is victim of doing. I did pay for pro coverage on it and that was a sticking point for the reader. Would gladly send you a copy if you like, since you've read it. Just PM me.

Mozza sticks out amongst the others character wise. I get, now, that gav was our protag. I would give Russ a tick. There's alot of vomitting in this script and I particularly think it would be funny to make Russ into a compulsive vomitter. Gav and Mozza could understand about his weak stomach issue and have some fun with it.

Particularly, he could be barfing on himself during the climax, after he got his toe snagged off.

This had a nice "Sean of the Dead" feel to it comedy wise. Definitely not there, yet, but could be. That's one of my favorite comedies, so take no offense.

All in all, I like what you have here and would like to see you continue to work on it. Hope these notes help some, because I got much help from yours.

Cheers, gonna be awhile before I eat any kind of pie...

James


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alffy
Posted: March 16th, 2012, 4:43am Report to Moderator
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James

Cheers for the read.

It is a bit of a slow burner but it was my intention to have a long introduction to the characters, show them as being just normal stupid kids.  I might have to throw in a few more scenes to entice the reader though.

Good point about Kelly, I could include her in the escape.  More vomiting from Russ?  I'm glad you liked the vomiting and could put in more lol.

Doris' line 'two books and a dabber', is about bingo as she mentions bingo throughout the story.

This is a very British script and I feel some of the comedy elements can become lost on other nations.

I had great fun working on this script I thought it might have paid off but it fizzled out and I put this aside as 'done'.  I probably will come back to this...actually I will come back to this as I have received some great advice to improve.

Thanks James, and to everyone who's read this and given me a review.


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bert
Posted: August 5th, 2012, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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While I must have read at least some of the prior comments at some point, I really do not recall that much.  I did notice this is a fairly recent rewrite, however, so a good one to check out.

And I did find it entertaining.  One of the things you are getting right here is that you understand the importance of small moments, such as when Mozza drops the bags at the room, or your tossed-off moments with the old ladies, which are richly comic in their own way.

I did have a problem with the vast number of characters you included for a piece that could easily contain so few -- if it wanted to -- and it did take a while to get going.  Not that I did not enjoy the banter between your trio of protagonists, because I did, particularly the "Briticisms", but we were well into the script before the story began to emerge.  People have different opinions on that, and I could get that you were really trying to establish your little town prior to the mayhem.  I think the British mind this less, while us impatient Americans get restless with it, and I will just chalk it up to that rather than pointing to it as an actual problem.
    
In terms of character trimming, for my money, Colin and Susan could be completely tossed.  I do not recall those two doing anything that some of your old ladies could not have done better.  Imagine the fun you could have if it were a feisty old woman out there in the field looking for a missing companion -- then battling your effeminate Jason -- then getting clobbered by the bus instead of Colin.  I think this change would suit your tone well, while also shaving a few pages, but maybe that is just me.

As for your main guys, Gav and Mozza are well-defined (and I hope you do not mind that I envisioned you in the role of Mozza   ). Russ, however, is your weak link.  You need to find more personality for him, apart from having a cigarette dangling from his lips, although this actually does work to a point, but it is not quite enough.

You also hinted numerous times at some kind of subplot with Kelly and her mother, but this did not pay off very well near the end, with a blink-and-you-miss-it reveal.  It is not a bad angle, really, but you could easily pump this up a bit with a little more investigation by Kelly, and a stronger reaction once the truth becomes known.  Though, frankly, it is not much of a surprise, as you drop too many hints along the way.  You might want to take a look at that, too.

You have a number of instances -- and perhaps too many -- where people vomit or talk about vomiting.  If memory serves, it may be 10 or more.  Personally, I do not like vomiting on the screen and find it repugnant.  Just a peeve, I suppose, but I suspect I am not alone.  Think about watching a movie and somebody pukes.  Now think about watching such a scene 5 or more times in the same movie.  You might look to shave a few of these episodes to conserve some pages.

In the end, I will say that I got exactly what I expected here -- and that is either a strength or a weakness, depending on what you are trying to achieve with this piece.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with delivering what the audience expects going in, and in fact, doing the opposite can sometimes bite you in the arse.

To me, what this piece did well, it did very well, and while I was entertained throughout, I do have to say that it held very few outrageous surprises that I never saw coming.  You might look to inject a few of those.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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alffy
Posted: August 6th, 2012, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers, bert.

You've made some good points here.  The Kelly subplot was a later addition so could probably do with some more work.  I actually added most of this at the request of an interested producer but he turned out to be wasting my time lol.

You're probably right about Colin and Susan too?

I had no idea I'd included so much vomit lol.

I know this is a slow burner and have thought a few times about adding something early but was never sure what?

Me as Mozza? lol.  Actually I pictured Danny Dyer or Jack O'Connell as Mozza.

I've not done much with this for a while due to my disappointment when I thought this was going somewhere but maybe I'll do another rewrite after I finish the new feature I've started, so in a year or two then lol.

Thanks for the read and the great idea of the feature train even though it's all gone tits up.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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danbotha
Posted: August 12th, 2012, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

I haven't read the feedback you've been given, so please forgive any repeats.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS!!

As an entire piece, I enjoyed this. The writing was clean and easy to get through. You have a very decent story line with awesome characters and brilliant one liners which had me laughing out loud. I think that's something every horror needs... A character to make you laugh, while all the killing goes on. The thing is, for the first half I felt that you were maybe more focused on the comedy side of things rather than the horror side of the story. It takes 47 pages for us to see the first attempted murder and for me, that's slightly too long. I can appreciate you trying to establish your characters, but maybe have something a little more exciting to spice things up. I thought it would be good to bring Susan's disappearance in a little earlier to help with that...?

Having said that, I thought the comedy parts were brilliant and for that, I have to give you credit. Some likeable characters, as well as the non-likeable villains. Some good contrast, there.

The Butcher is an important character in this whole thing and it is for that reason I think he should have a name. It just seems weird having a main character without a name, don't you think? IDK, maybe it's just me.

Page 67: "His nose is horribly broken, it leans to one side. Blood smeared across his cheeks and his eyes are swollen." - All that damage done with just one stone? Wow.

Otherwise, I really liked this one. Some of the comedy flew over my head a bit, but I suspect those might be lines that only click with the British.

Great work!

Daniel


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alffy
Posted: August 12th, 2012, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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Dan, thanks for checking this out.  It's been through a few rewrites in recent times but I've left it alone for a while.

Glad you liked the characters, I worked hard to make them likeable and funny.  A shame you didn't get all the gags but that's okay.  I thought about giving the Butcher a name but in the end I decided to leave him kind of a mystery guy.

The whole, is it too slow at the beginning?  Well, I had mixed thoughts on this.  Some agree with you that I need to spice things up in the first act but I've also had some comments that it's okay.  I admit the ones who didn't find it the start too slow were mainly European readers, perhaps we don't mind waiting for the action lol.

I've said this previously that maybe this should be listed as a comedy/horror rather than horror/comedy?  The comedy is very British and is played out more than the horror.  I'm glad you enjoyed it and it wasn't a drag to read.  I think I like comedy horror's as I'm writing another as we speak lol.  I actually wrote a kids horror comedy last year (not on here) as it was meant to be filmed in a school by the kids but I'll have to wait and see if that's going to happen.

Cheers, Dan.


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rc1107
Posted: August 12th, 2012, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy.

I was able to read about half of 'Pub Lunch' today.  I have to be at work in a few, (night shift tonight), but I should be able to finish the 2nd half on Tuesday.  (SHOULD be able to.)

Here are some notes and thoughts that went through my head during the first half of the script:

-  The first ten pages kind of drag.  I'm all for slow starts and everything, but it might help for something to happen, rather than just chatter.

-  There's a lot of people introduced before and when we get to the bar,  (and a lot of them seem to be fat?).  While reading, I'm forgetting who's a local and who's the visitors, (and who's overweight), and I usually never have problems remembering characters.

-  Twenty pages in and there only seems to be filler banter.  However, Jess and Kelly are piqueing my interest a little and I want to find out what's going on.  I'm wondering if this is a 'House of 1000 Corpses'-type of family you're going for.

-  Hmm.  Did they go to a totally different country?  Kelly said the meat pies are more of a 'traditional' meal.  The way it read in the beginning, it seems like they only traveled to the next town over.

-  At page 38, almost the midpoint, and it still just seems like it's chatter and banter.  The story isn't really progressing at all, and Mozza is wearing very thin.  He can't pull the entire story himself with his snide comments.  It seems like you're trying to hold a surprise back and expect the meat pies to be a twist, Soylent Green-style.

- Kelly seems unbalanced character-wise.  First, she's unsure and doesn't want to do the family 'thing' anymore.  But then, she seems amped up and even sets the boys up.  Then, she stops her thing with Gav, when she already knows Laura is going to go through with it.  Something with her just isn't clicking.  It seems like you weren't sure if you wanted her to be tentative, or a bad ass.

-  LOL.  The scene where Laura attempts to stab Mozza while still spanking his monkey.  I laughed.

Okay, maybe I didn't go into this with the right frame of mind.  I know you labeled it as a horror/comedy, but maybe I should've focused on the story more as a comedy.

That being said, the first 45 pages might benefit from a bit more jokes, rather than just Mozza's juvenile attitude.  And it still couldn't hurt to get to the story a bit faster.  I was a little bit apprehensive at around page 40 if anything was ever going to happen, but it seems like it's starting to get rolling now.

-  You bring characters like Derek and Howard back.  I don't even remember if they're guests or locals anymore.  There's way too many characters in the beginning that aren't given very much attention to.

Well, the first half was incredibly slow, but, like I said, we seem to be picking up steam now around the halfway point, (and now that I'm going to view it more as a comedy).  Wish I could finish it tonight, but I probably won't have anymore freetime until Tuesday or Wednesday to finish.

I'll talk to you then.

- Mark


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irish eyes
Posted: August 13th, 2012, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy

Ok read it one go which is unusual for me as i don't get much time to myself and it flowed pretty easy.

I didn't read any other feedbacks so any repeating I apologise.

It's entirely british I see that and I get that, some Americans probably wont but I spent the 22 years in Ireland which is why I get the Hi De HI reference.

Slow start and for me personally waayyyy to many characters... I counted 12 by page 5 and 16 by page 10 ... I had to go back a few times to remember who was who.

The front of the coach was occupied by the elderly on page 2 then on page 4 the front seat was occupied by Jason??? did I miss something

Mozza description .    a large joint of meat  should be capital A

pg 28 Evening Kelly should be Laura

page 61 Gav says... We better do somet... obviously something.

There were a few other grammar errors not much which made for an easy read.

The 3 guys where very well wrote,  it was easy to tell them apart you gave them all strong characters although at times Mozza's responses were starting to become tiresome he did have some really funny lines.... Heads up lol


I don't know if it was just me but there seemed to be a lot of vomiting going on, I get that it was a gore fest, I believe one time Russ vomited 3 times in a row.

It took a while to get started, but I could see it turning into a Sweeney Todd movie which I guess you're basing it on.

Did I lose Susan somewhere?, I know she left her brother and went back to the pub....so I'm sure she ended up on the table... probably left to my discretion... But a minor character and maybe one you don't need along with her brother.

Kelly kinda came off as a character that really needs to be worked on... She seems insensitive then sensitive, she wants to kill gav and then likes him too much and for reason doesn't know what happened her mother until 3 pages from the end... she also dissapears for about 30 pages for someone who is playing Gav's love interest who inturn is your main protag.

The killing spree at the end in the kitchen was hard to keep track off, I kept having to go back and forth and I'm guessing Kelly actually killed Laura with the rolling pin bash.

Overall though I did enjoy it and I liked how you brought it together at the end.
I would say to tone down the amount characters especially at the start and give Kelly more of a role..

You obviously put a lot of thought into this script and writing was very tight, the descriptions/actions were straight forward and easy to read.

Good job

Mark






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rc1107
Posted: August 13th, 2012, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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All right, I found a bit of time so I was able to finish it today.

-  There's a little bit too much exposition on page 52.  Mozz is just telling us what we already know.

-  Lol.  I don't remember Jason or Colin off-hand either,  Definately need something to help us distinguish which characters are which.-  

-  I was a little disappointed by the way the boys stood up for themselves.  I thought they were going to use cooking methods to kill the locals.  It ended up just using the same gimmicks as other splatter films.  (Knives in the chest, or splitting a throat.)  I wanted to see someone's hand get diced by a tomato dicer or face get shoved and pummeled through the sharp blades of a lettuce slicer, or someone shoved into a vat of boiling oil.


But, I do have to admit, the second half of the story was definately better paced than the first half.

I'm not a horror fan, or a comedy fan, so I think that's why this story may have fell a little flat for me.  I can definately tell you've put a lot of time and thought into it, though.  It's not that it wasn't a good quality story (for the type of story it is), it just didn't work for me.

I understand why you wanted the slow start, but I think it's way too slow, and I think you can cut out quite a bit in the beginning and add some foreshadowing in the beginning to keep people interested and add even more wit to the story.

I would also recommend definately cutting down the characters, or at least make them stand out more.  Just saying which ones are overweight in the beginning doesn't help me visualize and keep track of who's who 45 or 60 pages later into the story.

I hope all this helps.  I did laugh (once I realized you were going for more of a british comedy than a horror).  If you label this as anything, I'd recommend splatter-comedy, as people tend not to take splatter films all that seriously anyway.

Good luck on this one.  There are some good visuals and comedy elements to it.  I can see it being made eventually, but that first half and some of the characters and plot, (like Gav and Kelly) need brushed up first.

- Mark  (RC Mark, not Irish Eyes Mark.  :-)


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alffy
Posted: August 13th, 2012, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for comments, Mark & Mark.

I'll comment on your feedback tomorrow as I'm writing this post on my phone. You did both mention how slow this was at the beginning and that there are too many characters. I think I may go back to this and rework it again, after I finish the first draft of my latest feature. I will also try and shift this into the comedy thread as a comedy/horror.
For now, cheers, guys.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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alffy
Posted: August 14th, 2012, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Mark (rc1107)

I understand that there are a lot of characters on the bus but I'm not sure how to get past not introducing them all at the start?  I wanted the bus to be full of grannies to make the trip worse for the guys.

I've toying with the idea of bumping off a few of the old dears early on in the story as it would add some action to the first part.  I know the start is slow, maybe too slow, and I originally wanted this to be like a zany comedy until the guys/viewers realise they are in a horror story.  This been listed as horror probably doesn't help as readers are expecting gore and blood letting early on.  What do you think about adding a few deaths in the first half and also re-listing this as a comedy?

I worked on this quite a bit but left it alone for a year or so now.  Maybe I'll delve back into it and bump up the opening half.

Cheers for checking this out, Mark.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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alffy  -  August 14th, 2012, 11:41am
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alffy
Posted: August 14th, 2012, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Mark (Irish eyes)

I'm glad you thought the three guys were okay, I tried to give them different characteristics but also despite their mocking of each, they did actually like each other.

The Kelly and Gav relationship was added in later drafts and I guess I still need to work on it lol.

I never realised there was so much vomiting, you're not the first to tell me that lol.

Another thing you touched on and others have to, see Mark's comments above, is the number of characters at the start.  Again, I'm not sure how to get past this.  The bus is suppose to be elderly outing for the old dears with a few additions; Susan and  Colin, and the guys.  I don't think it would be so bad on screen but I know what you mean about the constant introductions.  Any ideas?

As for the 'Sweeney Todd' theme, well again you're not the first to bring this up.  Actually this is based on a short I wrote a long time ago called 'Meat Pies'.  I wrote it for the 'Scarefest' series and I wrote it before I'd heard about the Tim Burton film.  Honest.

Cheers for the read, Mark


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Dreamscale
Posted: August 14th, 2012, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy, I always check out the comments to scripts I have read and have been keeping up on yours.

A couple comments and ideas for you...

First of all, introing a large group is perfectly fine, if you have a large group that you have to intro.  It doesn't matter if readers have trouble keeping up with who's who...it's not your problem...it's the reader's problem.

I don't remember if you start on the bus or not, but if you did, you may want to intro your 3 Protags before they get on the bus, so your readers realize that they are the main characters immediately.  That would sure help.

I agree that you should/need to get some kills or disappearances of these minor characters early on, so everyone understands where we're eventually going to go here.

But, I'll say it again, as I have a few times already - IMO, the biggest problem here is your setup, as it just doesn't make any sense that anyone would be going to this little town for a weekend, as there's no reason anyone would want to go, as there's nothing going on here and literally nothing to do.

It needs to be changed, or you'll continue to have issues with it.

I have an idea, actually that may help.

If you set this up a bit differently, everything could make sense.  I don't know where this is supposed to take place, but some details would help.  If this "coach trip" was actually going to a cool place, with a brief stopover in this town, it would make alot more sense...like some destination resort where they're going to learn some cooking skills or the like.

After a brief stop, maybe the trip is to continue but the bus breaks down (cliche, I know, but at least it would make some sense).  An/or, one of the lads hooks up with one of your cannibal town girls and they end up missing the bus, as it leaves without them.  The girl could tell them she can drive them to their destination the following day, as there's a big town party that night - something along the lines of "2001 Maniacs" or the like.

Literally anything that makes sense is what you need here.

As for the old folks, unless they come into play and have funny lines or actions, you don't necessarily need to intro them with names.  You cold just say the bus is full, half full, etc. and then intro those who are involved in some way.

Hope that helps.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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alffy
Posted: August 14th, 2012, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff, cheers for keeping a check on this.

I introduce the three protags before they get on coach but that's when I introduce the others, so maybe it's okay then?

The general consensus is to have a few kills early on and I totally agree with that.  It's a shift from my initial idea but I need to go with feedback and do it.

I'm not sure which draft you actually read, Jeff but in the latest one the coach is detoured by the local police, who are in on the villagers killing spree.    The tour guide is also in on the action.  The guys wanted to go abroad but had no money and so the coach trip is all they could muster.  How does this sound?  Is it too convenient?

I only introduce a few of the elderly folk but I do think I should bump a few of them off early doors.

Cheers for the suggestions.  One day I think I'll be happy with this, I thought I was nearly there but now I've some more good advice.  Unfortunately it'll have to wait as I don't want to force myself away from my present project.

Any other suggestions would be appreciated.


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rc1107
Posted: August 14th, 2012, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy.

Don't have too much time, but...

It's not really that there's a lot of characters...  It's that they're all the same.  They all need their own separate personalities.  They're all named similar generic names, like Jess, Jason, Colin, Susan, Kelly, Laura, Derek... very plain names, and we don't get to know them well enough in the story to differentiate them apart.  They need substance.  Their own personalities.  As it reads now... they're all just characters to fill up the bus and the restaurant, like extras.


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