Overall I liked the story, especially the last little bit with Doris and Kelly - I think that helped top it off.

The characters reactions though, IMO, may need some reworking, ie: Kelly lies on the floor screaming with fear - for me this reaction seemed out of place, seeing she comes across as such a strong character and the situation she is in and has been around for a while, then the calmness in her reaction afterwards - her screaming with fear doesn't seem to fit. I remember feeling this way with a few other scenes too.

It takes a bit to get into the brunt of it and IMO, in some areas it was a little overwritten. As Jeff said above, I also think it'd benefit the story if it was explained more clearly why the boys were going away. I think he explains it well, so I won't carry on, just agreeing.

There are also a few little grammar issues that need to be fixed and a couple of times I think you meant to end the sentence with 'something.' and it's been written as 'somet.' Of course these are only little things that going over it again are easily fixed.

As I said; overall I did like this and it did make me laugh.
Good luck with it.

Renee

Quoted from RJ I think you meant to end the sentence with 'something.' and it's been written as 'somet.

Alffy was using British slang, Renee, which can come off confusing to non-British readers but it does give the dialogue much more realism IMO, but I do believe it should be "somert"

Why is this in the comedy section, Alffy?

Actually, no worries. I've just read back through the thread and seen why.

lol, whoops, sorry Alffy, bad example, but there are a few other places where 'to' should be 'too' etc. (then again I'm a culprit to that myself sometimes)

Renee, cheers for reading this.

I'm glad you found it funny and sorry about the mistakes.

I've had some good feedback lately and the bottom line is, it's too slow in the beginning. Originally that was my intention but I think I may go back and add some more action in the opening act.  also I'll add something to explain their weekend break.  at the moment it's just a break before their exams but I guess it's not clear enough.

I did write this with some slang in the dialogue, sorry for the confusion.
Somet or somert? Lol

I've just started a new feature but once that's done I'll give this another draft. I think that will make it revision number 5 lol

"summat" you southern doodahs

Hey alffy, I have a slightly longer feedback back on my non-connected l/top but wanted to ask quickly - have you seen the League of Gentlemen episiodes "Anarchy in Royston Vasey" and "Royston Vasey and the Monster from Hell"? I had a quick scan through the feedback from others and they mention it "goes into LoG territory", but these episodes have a very similar story line (told admittedly from the locals POV).

Reading through, it was a bit of an issue for me. Soz.

I caught a few episodes of LoG but never saw anything to influence me, sorry if it put you off.

'Summat', 'somet' or 'somert'.  I don't think it matters really.  And I'm not a Southerner, how dare you! lol.  I live in the North East, and have all my life, and I've always put 'somet'.

I'm currently rewriting this...again lol.

Cheers for checking it, marriot.

lol no worries. You've obviously picked up some southern habits, or you'd not be writing screenplays - you'd be sending ferrets down t'pit for a bit o black pud.

And I forgot to add - someone sent me a link to a short called New Boy a week or so ago. It almost made me cry - watch it, then read Boy Racers (or remember the story if you can't be bothered trawling through the prose lol) ....

... I never saw New Boy (honest) but you'd swear I copied it. Some of the set-pieces? Flipping nearly identical. Dammit!

Quoted from marriot lol no worries. You've obviously picked up some southern habits, or you'd not be writing screenplays - you'd be sending ferrets down t'pit for a bit o black pud.

Lol, I swear we use to ride our bikes down 'the pit' as kids.  Never liked black pud though.

On my initial visit to SS, back in Jan 2011, this was the script I read first. Didn't leave a review because I was real new to not only the site, but writing and the screen world.

Just finished a second read, and have sent my notes privately, as I do now. But I would like to plug the story, especially for anyone interested in cheeky British banter. Sometimes it went over my head...and still made me laugh!

My understanding is there will be a new draft soon if anyone wants to check it out in a few days. Anthony can update us on where that is.

Quoted from leitskev Just finished a second read, and have sent my notes privately, as I do now. .

Kev,

Its a shame you feel like you've been singled out on your comments. I never saw it that way. You have a very distinct mindset about what a feature should be and I enjoy reading your take. I don't always agree, but I would like to see your notes on this because I've read it too.  Come on, you didn't let big bad Jeff scare you off from posting reviews anymore???

James

Wasn't Jeff. Just seems better this way. I've always tried to give it honest, private notes make sure that continues. My battles with Jeff continue in other threads! Though not the NFL one. Apparently the Rams have scared him into silence.

The big bad old grizzly bear is going golfing, you rat bastards.  Not sure how I manage to be the blame of so many things even when I don't say a single word, but hey, what can one do?

The only reason I can think of for Kev not posting his notes is because they must include his usual calls for character arcs and conflict, as I'm pretty sure these characters do not have them currently.

My Rams are going to suck, but I haven't seen the thread you're referring to, Kev.

Party on, gents...

I'm not blaming you, Jeff. You boys bicker over the best ways to do things - nothing wrong with that.

I'm merely suggesting you like to drink Jaegies!

Anyway, enough of me posting non-related stuff on alf's thread.

As I said, it really had nothing to do with Jeff, or very little. It just makes more sense for me to give the reviews privately. I had already been doing that anyway with scripts that are not posted here by members. So it's just a logical next step.

My review of Pub did not mention arcs. I did mention focusing a tiny bit more on Gav, since he is clearly more the protag. Did not suggest a change, just a sharpening.

And I thought it might make sense to make it more difficult for the shy Gav to work up the courage to approach Kelly. Gav becomes more assertive as the story progresses(which is an arc!). So why not increase that path by showing his struggle at the beginning, eventually culminating with his sticking up for himself and his friends, and Kelly.

My new idea is to use invisible keystrokes for my reviews and responses.

I think it will make SS a much more lively place.