Quoted from jwent6688 Hey Brett, Thanks for the continued read and suggestions. Being my first feature, I did make a good deal of mistakes by not kicking this off faster. I like your suggestions about maybe having Jane connected to that house in some ways and having her investigate the sheep lady on her own.

Hey James,

This is your first feature? Seriously?
Wow. You're light years ahead of where my first draft of my first feature was.
So, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about this script!

I've learned that I can solidify my stories better if I know why I'm writing it.
Usually, that comes out down the road, but it eventually surfaces for me.
For instance...

Zombie Playground for me is a wish fulfillment fantasy about families.
I always wanted to be accepted by a non-broken home when I was a kid.
So, "helping" the protag in that story find his place connects me to the story.

Clone Wife is me dealing with changing things I have a hard time accepting.
It's a trap to change things around you to "improve your situation".
The thing we should be working on is ourselves.
Not making others accountable for my shortcomings.
My protag in that story has to learn that, much like I had to do.

As your script evolves, I'm sure a reason you latch onto will become clear.
And once you know why you wrote something, it can only get better.

Just be honest with yourself about yourself and why you write.
And I hope it helps you shape your scripts the same way it has helped me.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey James,

Picking up on page 61...

P. 61
I recommend being more descriptive about Jane's emotions here.

P. 63
I don't get why James is mean to Nick at first.
The way it's written, James doesn't know that Nick is serving a summons.
So, I'm left to assume there's another reason for the animosity.

P. 64
Safiyah should be more economical with bad news.
People only painstakingly elaborate on bad news when they want to rub it in.
"Our sin has come home." Something like that should be all that's needed.
And that heightens the mystery for the reader too.
Something like that would definitely pique my curiosity.

P. 65
Showing the conspiratorial element could be a better grabber than the boat.
If that's the conspiracy, than show the planned arson and conspirators, etc.
That would heighten the intrigue IMHO.

P. 68
Seems odd Jane doesn't ask the sheriff what the warning was about.

P. 72
I don't feel Jane's emotional heroism here with her parents.
Because this is all new to me and I have no common understanding with Jane.
I'm adrift in the scene without some context.
For all I know Jane's a deluded b*tch here and her parents are nice people.
Perhaps setting up this situation in act one can help establish Jane better.

P. 73
Safiyah saying her sister died trying to protect Jane's family is enough.
These two have lost someone precious. Loads of common ground. Use it.
Don't beat around the bush, we're in the third act now.

P. 76
If it were me, I'd beat the hell out of the realty agent for back story.

P. 77
Feel like Jane believes this stuff a little too easily.
She doesn't have much personal supernatural experience with the story.
Oh, the conspiracy had nothing to do with the steamboat???
I thought for sure their ancestors started that fire for some reason or something.
Hmm...

Stopping here today. I'll finish up tomorrow.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 63 I don't get why James is mean to Nick at first. The way it's written, James doesn't know that Nick is serving a summons. So, I'm left to assume there's another reason for the animosity.

This is where I confused more than a handful of people. James is a known racist in the town. Sheriff Colston tells him that early in the script. His crime was falsifying evidence in a case where a black man was sent to jail and later died. Now their reopening the case. Nick didn't bring the court summons. He just kept talking to a miserable James who wanted him to leave.

I felt I needed James to be my "Hell-bound" character. Because i wanted to establish that the witch was afraid to kill him. She could see what was getting ready to come for him... The whispers in the bushes. So, she left him alone.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 64 Safiyah should be more economical with bad news. People only painstakingly elaborate on bad news when they want to rub it in. "Our sin has come home." Something like that should be all that's needed. And that heightens the mystery for the reader too. Something like that would definitely pique my curiosity.

Noted. Sounds better, but again, I'm trying hard here to setup what I was talking about above. Thats why I wanted the conversation a bit long.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 65 Showing the conspiratorial element could be a better grabber than the boat. If that's the conspiracy, than show the planned arson and conspirators, etc. That would heighten the intrigue IMHO.

The boat happened it 1850. In Safiyahs long meeting with Jane, my least favorite scene that I could find no way to avoid,  she tells her how her mother and some others from the local parish trapped the witch in the well. In the 1950s was when the murders started. James was kin to some of those people. "It's what our parents did".

There was no conspiracy on the boat. It was just a tragedy that I used because I wanted to illustrate what happens to evil souls when they die. Somewhow the sheep lady beat the rules of death. when she died, God didn't notice, the Devil never found out.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 72 I don't feel Jane's emotional heroism here with her parents. Because this is all new to me and I have no common understanding with Jane. I'm adrift in the scene without some context. For all I know Jane's a deluded b*tch here and her parents are nice people. Perhaps setting up this situation in act one can help establish Jane better.

This is a concern. Jane's father is an ass. He told Tom he was a dope at their wedding. He told jane Sammy's condition because he was fathered by a weak man. This was covered in that long conversation between Tom and Mark.

I also wanted to show a tad of a character flaw in Jane. Her mother was collateral damage in the feud between her and her father. But, she wouldn't give in. She's very vengeful and stubborn like her father.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 77 Feel like Jane believes this stuff a little too easily. She doesn't have much personal supernatural experience with the story. Oh, the conspiracy had nothing to do with the steamboat??? I thought for sure their ancestors started that fire for some reason or something. Hmm...

Again, hope I cleared some of that conspiracy theory up for you. There isn't one. Just a witch on the loose hunting down the kin of those who locked her up.

As far as Jane believing it? I think she may buy into it at this point in the story. She just saw her husband murdered by something that shouldn't exist. She heard Walter's voice on the child monitor warning Sammy.

Thanks again, Brett. I wanted to explain that before you hit the climax. Hopefully it makes more sense. The fact that alot of people weren't sure what was going on at this point was my fault...


James

Quoted from jwent6688 This is where I confused more than a handful of people. James is a known racist in the town. Sheriff Colston tells him that early in the script. His crime was falsifying evidence in a case where a black man was sent to jail and later died. Now their reopening the case. Nick didn't bring the court summons. He just kept talking to a miserable James who wanted him to leave. I felt I needed James to be my "Hell-bound" character. Because i wanted to establish that the witch was afraid to kill him. She could see what was getting ready to come for him... The whispers in the bushes. So, she left him alone.

Hey James,

I recall some exposition about a scandal/inquiry.
But I don't remember a scene where that conflict actually plays out.

Quoted from jwent6688 The boat happened it 1850. In Safiyahs long meeting with Jane, my least favorite scene that I could find no way to avoid,  she tells her how her mother and some others from the local parish trapped the witch in the well. In the 1950s was when the murders started. James was kin to some of those people. "It's what our parents did".

That sounds like it would be a much more relevant opener than the steamboat.
Give the reader enough snippets of that to tease but no give away the plot.

Quoted from jwent6688 There was no conspiracy on the boat. It was just a tragedy that I used because I wanted to illustrate what happens to evil souls when they die. Somewhow the sheep lady beat the rules of death. when she died, God didn't notice, the Devil never found out.

When I first heard conspiracy...
My mind went to arson on the steamboat.
Which intrigued me to learn more about the story.
But it seems the real plot teaser is the well prison, not the boat.

Quoted from jwent6688 This is a concern. Jane's father is an ass. He told Tom he was a dope at their wedding. He told jane Sammy's condition because he was fathered by a weak man. This was covered in that long conversation between Tom and Mark. I also wanted to show a tad of a character flaw in Jane. Her mother was collateral damage in the feud between her and her father. But, she wouldn't give in. She's very vengeful and stubborn like her father.

Like with James, I know this through exposition.
I think we got that detail at the funeral?
Since I got it second hand, I likely filed it away and it slipped into the ether.
But if an actual conflict played out viscerally between them, I'd likely recall it.
It all comes down to conflict.
When it's unfolding on the page, we're hooked.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey James,

Picking this up at page 77 and going to the finish today...
Finally. LOL.
Breaking it up like this helps me do detailed notes though.
Time management is such a b*tch for me!

P. 77
Revisiting this scene today confirms what I felt yesterday...
Shared grief for Jane and Safiyah is the way to go. It bonds them.
Much better than "Mu hubbie's dead." Uummm, sorry about that."
Bonding gives them a character arc and injects more humanity into the story IMHO.

P. 80
Think calling the sheriff is the wrong way to go here.
Ghost witch shenanigans disable the phone as she calls the sheriff.
Which means, Safiyah must spring into action to protect Jane.
That makes her a proactive hero, instead of a phone dialer.

P. 81
Digging the witch visuals with the guards.

P. 87
A sheriff would say SQUEEZE the trigger, not pull.
He's trained in firearms, no way he wouldn't know that.

P. 92
I wish Safiyah had more to do with the climax.
All she really did was just call the sheriff.

Finished.
I'm not a fan of V.O., but I thought you handled it pretty well.
I think your ending would have much more impact if Jane was a flawed protag.

What if... Jane is a not so hot mother?
And she knows it. The illness and all the perpetual care gets to her.
Then when it's time to protect Sammy from the witch...
There's this creeping doubt, because she knows she's not so good in that dept.
Emotional conflict/flaws like that give a nice arc to your protag IMHO.
Think about it.

Lot of solid work to build on here. Good on you!
Hope these notes prove fruitful.
Thanks for the read. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Hey James, Picking this up at page 77 and going to the finish today... Finally. LOL. Breaking it up like this helps me do detailed notes though. Time management is such a b*tch for me!

Not a problem, I understand. Just greatful for the notes. You really have a unique take on how to fix this up.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 77 Revisiting this scene today confirms what I felt yesterday... Shared grief for Jane and Safiyah is the way to go. It bonds them. Much better than "Mu hubbie's dead." Uummm, sorry about that." Bonding gives them a character arc and injects more humanity into the story IMHO.

I can see how that would improve the story. This is my least favorite scene as i mentioned. Where Safiyah tells her everything about trapping the witch. It's exposition heavy, but I didn't want to do another flachback.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 80 Think calling the sheriff is the wrong way to go here. Ghost witch shenanigans disable the phone as she calls the sheriff. Which means, Safiyah must spring into action to protect Jane. That makes her a proactive hero, instead of a phone dialer.

I really needed the Sheriff to go there. First and foremost, to let her convince him to give her his gun. I really like that conversation they have before he hands over his gun knowing that she is going to kill herself with it.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 81 Digging the witch visuals with the guards.

Thanks. I really think that would make a cool scene.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 87 A sheriff would say SQUEEZE the trigger, not pull. He's trained in firearms, no way he wouldn't know that.

Totally agree. But, he does know what she plans to do. It's certainly no time for a hand gun class. I just felt it sounded better when I read it back.  

Quoted from Electric Dreamer P. 92 I wish Safiyah had more to do with the climax. All she really did was just call the sheriff.

I agree here as well. I still need the sheriff to go to the hospital, but I should've had Safiyah throw caution to the wind and go their as well. Hoping she could help even if it cost her her life.

It was a mistake not to build on Jane more. I thought we could identify with her just being a pretty good, normal person. I understand it's textbook story telling to have your protag become better because of the experience, but this certainly isn't the case. I'm not sure if it would work making her overcome some own issues so she could kill herself.

I really just pictured her as a good person, victim of the situation she was put into. Who unselfishly gives her life to save many others, foremost her son.

I shot myself in the foot out of the gate by taking on such an ambitious story. To make it run smoothly would be a bear.

Ayway, I'm not gonna jump into rewrite yet. Don't know how close you've been following the thread, but I'm shooting a trailer for this. I think I posted a link to the 2 page trailer script on page 2 of this thread. I've already got some great video of the town. All shot on my 1080p worthy Canon. The editing and voice over will be the hard part. Probably gonna hire some pros to help me with that.

I just wanted to try a creative approach to getting noticed. I really believe I could make this go semi-viral because of the town name. Especially if I sock everyone on facebook and twitter without them expecting it.

Huge thanks, If I can ever return the favor I am in your debt. Let me know when those rewrites go up or if you want my input before you get into it.

James

James,

Thanks for uploading WILLOWICK and for letting us read it. I feel like I’ve just read something that I will likely see on the big screen someday, and that’s the biggest compliment I can give. I won’t bore you with minor grammatical or formatting errors. You’ve obviously got a good handle on how to write, so I’ll let someone else handle the detailed crap. Hopefully, my suggestions will help you improve what is already a pretty damn good read. Looks like you’ve gotten pages of responses already to your script, so I hope I can add something helpful.

p.12, this is obviously meant to be the foreshadowing moment. The house is evil… the sisters basically say as much. Is it not a bit too much too soon? I prefer a slower build rather than just coming out and saying it. Maybe have the sisters walk by and give an evil eye. Or have them draw protective symbols on the sidewalk while they’re sleeping. I think the audience will understand the danger rather than them being so overt.

p.13, Hey, it’s Walter. He just showed up. Hmm. His appearance comes with little fanfare or spooky foreshadowing. And he’s sort of a non-entity, never really showing up again until the end. As he doesn’t add anything to our heroine’s fight, I would say scrap him.

p.30, I’m a stickler for something needing to happen by this point and the ‘I shit my pants’ scene is going on way too long. I’m looking for conflict. Should happen by page 25.

p.33, put ‘It’s Jane” on a separate line for emphasis, if you can.

The story of the sheep lady is beyond creepy. Pretty original too. Move it about 10 pages earlier.

p.36, I suppose you’re going to get comparisons to “The Ring” by using the well so much, but I’m not sure how else you could do it. Maybe the creep factor comes from a set of sheep-shearing scissors that are on the wall in the basement?

I’m wondering where Walter went. Again… I think he can be cut.

The creepy vibe is present throughout. I’m don’t believe in complementing too much in these reviews because it doesn’t help you as a writer, but I would feel inadequate if I didn’t mention how your writing is giving me goosebumps.

p.55, the witch’s ability to move only in the dark is mentioned here and recalls another horror movie and I can’t remember the name. But then her fear of the light is never mentioned again. You should probably drop this point.

p.56, I don’t like the Walter character but this baby monitor scene is seriously scary. This is the best stuff I’ve read.

Tom’s death was unexpected, and kind of anticlimactic for such a major character. His head is just bouncing around? Give Tom a better death!

James is obviously a man that needs redemption, but why did we not see him for 50 pages?

I think this had been mentioned by other readers, but the paddle wheel scene at the beginning doesn’t fit with the rest of your story. It’s cool, but would be cut by a budget-conscious producer.

p.79 great idea with the computer voice. Uber creepy. Another great scene that recalls the baby monitor. While some of your stuff copies from other horror films, this stuff is original and awesomely scary!

What was the deal with Jane’s students? Besides the goth chick’s appearance at the end, that was a pretty pointless scene. Why not have the kids educate Jane on the legend behind her house? Would get rid of the neighbor who is also kind of a pointless character.

I need to understand Jane’s choice to kill herself a little better. I understand it was to protect her child, but I need her to verbalize that this was the ONLY way to kill the Witch.

Overall, a really nice job with this. It has enough original elements to help it standout against the other horror flicks of the day. And the ending twist… a few rewrites would really help it become something truly memorable.

Good luck with this,
Duncan

James, don't pay attention to any criticism that mentions your dialogue or style of writing. You are spot-on. A true screenwriter.

Yes, I'm complimenting you again. Sheesh. I need to stop that.

-Duncan

Duncan,

Huge thanks for the read. Also, for the kind words...

Quoted from angelus77 I feel like I’ve just read something that I will likely see on the big screen someday, and that’s the biggest compliment I can give.

One can only wish. I am not marketing this at all right now. It sits on the portal here at simply. I am shooting a trailer to promote it. Hoping Don will host it on the home page of this site when its done. Then will see if it gets any nibbles, in which case I'll probably have to do a rewrite, but as you've mentioned, I've got pages of detailed notes from friends here to tackle it.

Btw, congrats on Grief. That was a very well-made short and a nice one to have on your resume.

Quoted from angelus77 Or have them draw protective symbols on the sidewalk while they’re sleeping. I think the audience will understand the danger rather than them being so overt.

I like that idea. If I rewrite this I will probably scrap the entire paddle-boat scene to get this to kick off faster. Plus it obviously cuts the budget of this almost in half. I did alot of research for that scene and really like it. It is based on a factual disaster. The Griffith was the third worst maritime disaster in Great Lakes history. Still, they say to never fall in love with any scene in screen writing. They're all on the chopping block.

Quoted from angelus77 p.13, Hey, it’s Walter. He just showed up. Hmm. His appearance comes with little fanfare or spooky foreshadowing. And he’s sort of a non-entity, never really showing up again until the end. As he doesn’t add anything to our heroine’s fight, I would say scrap him.

Agreed. I didn't use Walter enough. Like I said, I would probably scrap him and the opening scene in a rewrite.

Quoted from angelus77 p.30, I’m a stickler for something needing to happen by this point and the ‘I shit my pants’ scene is going on way too long. I’m looking for conflict. Should happen by page 25.

The same has been said many times from the other readers. I like a bit of a shocking scene to start horror, then a slow build, but I took too long. Forgive me. It's my first feature. Professional coverage that I got from this brought up the slow turn to act 2 as well.

Quoted from angelus77 p.36, I suppose you’re going to get comparisons to “The Ring” by using the well so much, but I’m not sure how else you could do it. Maybe the creep factor comes from a set of sheep-shearing scissors that are on the wall in the basement?

Has been mentioned before as well. I can see it. But, I hope it takes on enough of its own personality as it moves on. They're really not even close to the same story. Sewers, wells, any underground dwellings have been used in horror stories for years.

Quoted from angelus77 The creepy vibe is present throughout. I’m don’t believe in complementing too much in these reviews because it doesn’t help you as a writer, but I would feel inadequate if I didn’t mention how your writing is giving me goosebumps.

Ha ha, Compliment away. I won't hold it against you. Thanks.

Quoted from angelus77 p.55, the witch’s ability to move only in the dark is mentioned here and recalls another horror movie and I can’t remember the name. But then her fear of the light is never mentioned again. You should probably drop this point.

If you figure out what movie that was, I'd love to know. The witch isn't afraid of the light, she just moves faster through darkness. It's why she blows up all the lights in the ICU once she goes after Jane and Sammy.

Quoted from angelus77 Tom’s death was unexpected, and kind of anticlimactic for such a major character. His head is just bouncing around? Give Tom a better death!

I struggled with how to kill Tom. I didn't want the witch to really be seen until the ICU scene, that's why I never really describe her until then. You see her silhouette a few times, but never her features. I like the unseen things to scare people. When she goes into the ICU, it becomes almost more of a creature feature. No longer am I trying to creep the audience out, now I want to rivet them with tension.

Quoted from angelus77 James is obviously a man that needs redemption, but why did we not see him for 50 pages?

James character's soul purpose was to establish that the witch was afraid of what will come for him if he died. She could sense something. The same things that took the man in the buxton hat from the boat disaster. She's afraid they will take her too.

Quoted from angelus77 What was the deal with Jane’s students? Besides the goth chick’s appearance at the end, that was a pretty pointless scene. Why not have the kids educate Jane on the legend behind her house? Would get rid of the neighbor who is also kind of a pointless character.

I have alot of religious friends. I, myself, am not at all. I explored the idea that suicide is a mortal sin. Came to find out that most Christians/Catholics have relaxed the idea that it automatically buys you a ticket to hell. The classroom scene sets up the idea that Jane knows what she is about to do is a sin and refuses to ask for the lord's forgiveness for it. It is that arrogance that gets you sent to hell. Most have agreed with you, but I needed to set these ground rules somewhere in the story.

Quoted from angelus77 I need to understand Jane’s choice to kill herself a little better. I understand it was to protect her child, but I need her to verbalize that this was the ONLY way to kill the Witch.

Thought I did pretty well here. Jane not only killed herself to protect her son, but to save him. It was her heart transplanted into Sammy. That's also why I killed Tom. And alienated her parents. Without Sammy, she really has nobody.

Again, super huge thanks for the read and kind words. Keep a lookout for the trailer. I'll keep a lookout for some of your work...

James

I've got a new sci-fi/horror script called The Visitors that Don should be posting any day now. I've been inactive for awhile on here, and it was nice to come back with Willowick showing me that there can be some good scripts on here. Still a lot of crap to wade through, but I suppose that's the same with any website like this.

I appreciate your thoughts on The Visitors whenever it's up.

I'm truly blown away that this is your first script! Are you serious? This is seriously good for a first-time. I look back at my first script (in 1997) and I wouldn't use it to wipe my ass. Man, you're light years ahead of other beginners. Keep writing. Good things will happen for you!

-Duncan

Quoted from angelus77 I appreciate your thoughts on The Visitors whenever it's up.

I will jump on it as soon as I see it.

Quoted from angelus77 I'm truly blown away that this is your first script! Are you serious?

No, not at all. It is just my first feature length script. I've been reading and writing shorts for almost three years now. I actually wrote Willowick three years ago. Couldn't post it here because of the file size and glad I didn't. The first draft blew. So I wrote shorts for awhile. Learned a bit and just rewrote it.

Thanks again, looking forward to The Visitors...

James

Hey James, I just wanted to start by saying that  I really enjoyed reading this - it does have some problems, but they didn't detract from an entertaining read. You certainly have a good writing style - very visual - and often paint a strong picture with your words.

I noticed some typos, grammatical errors and other minor problem, but I'm sure others will have pointed these out, and I wanted to concentrate more on the story and characters. Below are some of the issues I picked up on - I've tried to offer suggestions on how to possibly make improvements where I can.


OPENING SCENE
This runs a little too long in my opinion, but the biggest problem is that it doesn't directly tie in to the main story. I know Walter features throughout, but a scene this long at the start should really have some link to your protag or antag. Later in the script it is mentioned that the Sheep Lady was brought to America as a child for protection - maybe she could be on the boat with her grandparents. Have Walter briefly encounter a young girl who wears a distinctive necklace or pendant that the Sheep Lady then wears later in the story. This could be yet another childhood trauma that she has survived, which has contributed to her fragile/unhinged mental state.


SAFIYAH'S VOICEOVER
I didn't think the voice over at the beginning was particularly necessary and there seemed to be far too much telling instead of showing going on (especially with the description of Jane). Plus, it also gives away the ending!


THE HOUSE
You should definitely give a better description of the house - have it in much more of a state of disrepair, which would help explain why Tom and Jane can afford such a huge place. At present, the realtor just says "Needs some T.L.C." Make it more of a mess - cracked walls, shattered or boarded up windows, doors hanging from hinges etc. Have jane see the potential in the place and convince Tom to go for it.


DISPOSABLE CHARACTERS
You seem to have several unnecessary characters. Some do serve a purpose, but it is usually to provide exposition.

MELIAH - She seems totally redundant within the story and appears sporadically throughout. Cutting her character should be easy and will save valuable space.

JAMES - I get why you have him in the script, but he has so little to do it seems like a waste of a character. He first appears on page 14, and isn't needed in the story again until page 61. I don't see any reason why you can't combine his character with Sheriff Colston. Have the Sheriff be the man who falsified the evidence, and one of the people the Sheep Lady seeks revenge on.

MARK - I really didn't like this character. I understand his purpose (to tell the Sheep Lady backstory / have Tom discuss the conflict with Jane's father), but he just seemed way to convenient in the story. He turns up out of the blue and in no time Tom is best buds with him, sharing embarrassing stories and pouring his heart out. This is a very long scene of talking around a table, which is bad enough in itself, but afterwards Mark disappears to never be seen again!

If you want to establish the conflict with Jane's father, maybe have her mother turn up unannounced to see their new home. When Jane mentions her dad, her mum could say something like "Your father doesn't know I'm here". This could then lead to a heart-to-heart discussion about what has happened and show the bond between Jane and her mother, which I feel is necessary as she has such a crucial role at the end of the story.

As for the Sheep Lady back story - just have one of your other characters tell it. Perhaps Safiyah could try to warn Jane, but she ignores it, brushing her off as a crazy lady and then feels guilty later, blaming herself for Tom's death.

I'll try to get the rest of my notes written up later.

These are all good suggestions and I agree with everyone 100%.

Okay, as promised - here's part2:


JANE
I think Jane needs a bit of work. As your protagonist, her character needs to be a bit deeper. I agree with what others have said about her age. Her being a qualified teacher with a 7yr old son at 26 just doesn't seem right. If she was 5 years older it would be a lot more believable.

Also, she doesn't seem to have much of an arc or any inner conflict to overcome. You could possibly solve this by having a discussion early on between her & Tom where it's established that she blames herself for Sammy's health. Maybe she was a smoker who struggled quitting, and because she was still smoking early in the pregnancy, she blames herself for his heart defect. This would then add more weight when she makes the ultimate sacrifice at the end - not only is she saving her son, she is also forgiving herself.


THE WITCH
I don't really like the name 'The Witch' that you use - it's far to generic a name for your main antag/villain. Also, throughout the scripts you have 3 names for one character (Yalda, Sheep Lady, The Witch). If I were you, instead of referring to her as The Witch, just call her Sheep Lady - it sounds much more like a character in a horror film.

I think the way that Jane stops the witch could be made clearer/better. At the moment, the witch doesn't even get hold of Jane until after she's blown her brains out. Jane also says "You're coming with me", warning the witch of what she's about to do before the witch has even lunged for her. It would work better if Jane let the witch attack her, lulling her into a false sense of victory before pulling the rug out from under her and killing herself. I also didn't get the spiders thing either. Although it would look cool on screen, it doesn't match in with what you had already established at the beginning when the man is dragged under the water by the black skeletal hands. These events should definitely tie-in with each other.


ALEXA
This is quite a big issue I had with the script. When Alexa came back into the story at the very end I had no idea who she was. I had to go all the way back through the script to find her on page 20! This is far too big a gap to leave, especially as she's only briefly used then. You definitely need to include her somewhere else in the story. As she's so interested in getting her hands on the Sheep Lady's book, maybe have Jane catch her snooping around outside her house at some point. Even better, Alexa could be the one who fills Jane in on the Sheep Lady's backstory! Just an idea.


As I said before, I did really enjoy reading this. You have some very creepy scenes and cool deaths. The witch in full flow at the hospital was also a highlight. I love that you killed Tom off so early - it definitely caught me by surprise and set the tone for the rest of the script that no-one was safe. If you manage to fix up the few flaws that there are, I think you'll have a very good script on your hands!

Steve,


Wow, impressive review. You pretty much sum up all of the problems readers have had with this in a couple of posts. I don't agree with everything, as to be expected, but I do agree with most.

Quoted from SteveUK OPENING SCENE This runs a little too long in my opinion, but the biggest problem is that it doesn't directly tie in to the main story. I know Walter features throughout, but a scene this long at the start should really have some link to your protag or antag. Later in the script it is mentioned that the Sheep Lady was brought to America as a child for protection - maybe she could be on the boat ...

The boat scene is going to get the axe. This is a good suggestion that I thought about trying to use before, but the timelines never worked out. The Griffith disaster happened in the 1850s and was very real. So was the golf course, and the construction company developing the town in the 1950s. It would've made the sheep lady 100+. I tried to be honest in some of the history of the town even though this is all fiction.

Quoted from SteveUK SAFIYAH'S VOICEOVER I didn't think the voice over at the beginning was particularly necessary and there seemed to be far too much telling instead of showing going on (especially with the description of Jane). Plus, it also gives away the ending!

I'm a voice over freak. Love em. I thought I was showing plenty while the narration was happening. Also, very surprised you thought this ruined the ending. Jane's description is an obvious tie to it, but nobody has said the dreaded... "I saw where this was going the whole time."

Quoted from SteveUK THE HOUSE You should definitely give a better description of the house

I'm not known for lengthy descriptions. I think they bog down reads and that's just my opinion. I try to give the reader enough to run with their own imagination.

Btw, here's a pic I took of the house a few weeks back...


Luckily, the people who live there are super cool and would be thrilled if I ever get this trailer done. Been running around town all summer shooting shit with my camera. And i do mean shit. Most of it has ended up deleted...

While I'm posting pics, here's a cool logo I've been wanting to show off that Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) did for me. Love it...


Back to your review...

The disposable characters are definitely under the magnifying glass. Mark is a total douche, nobody liked him, I thought he was funny, but that's just me. He's definitely on the chopping block as is that whole scene with the poopy pants and this and that.

Meliah does help set up some dialog with Safiyah. Aunt Bee can't talk, that's why I thought I needed her. Plus, she does a great job IMO setting up the that scene in Aunt Bee's house with the witch against the window.

James is the tough one. I'm not sure about merging his back story with the Sheriff's. I really liked the Sheriff and the way he handled most of this. I want to keep his integrity. I think I'm going to look for a new character here that has hell-bound sins for the witch to go after and maybe have that character be the one who tells Tom and Jane about the sheep lady. Gonna take some thought.

Alexa, I definitely want to keep her. I can use her more and plan to. Her character warrants a bigger part in this. I can foresee her being pissed with Jane for being sent down to the office and maybe, somehow, planting the bug in Sammy's ear that the house they live in is haunted.

Quoted from SteveUK JANE I think Jane needs a bit of work. As your protagonist, her character needs to be a bit deeper. I agree with what others have said about her age. Her being a qualified teacher with a 7yr old son at 26 just doesn't seem right. If she was 5 years older it would be a lot more believable.

That's already been fixed. Dammit, seems like everybody keeps uploading the first version of this script.

Quoted from SteveUK Also, she doesn't seem to have much of an arc or any inner conflict to overcome. You could possibly solve this by having a discussion early on between her & Tom where it's established that she blames herself for Sammy's health. Maybe she was a smoker who struggled quitting, and because she was still smoking early in the pregnancy, she blames herself for his heart defect. This would then add more weight when she makes the ultimate sacrifice at the end - not only is she saving her son, she is also forgiving herself.

Okay, this is where I may drift away from the Screenwriting gurus who say your protag should have an arc or inner conflict. I've enjoyed many a film whereas the protag is a better person because of the experience, but I've also enjoyed many where they haven't. I tried to give Jane's character some flaws, she refuses to forgive her father, punishes her poor mother by not letting them see Sammy. The kind of woman that, in my mind, is not to be fucked with. The kind of woman who would put a gun to her temple, take her own life just to drag the bitch who wants to harm her child to hell.

Your suggestion is a great one though. I never really thought about Jane blaming herself. It was always Tom who blamed himself in my mind. I'm not tossing this idea away by any means. I'm just gonna have to chew on it for awhile.

Quoted from SteveUK THE WITCH I don't really like the name 'The Witch' that you use - it's far to generic a name for your main antag/villain. Also, throughout the scripts you have 3 names for one character (Yalda, Sheep Lady, The Witch). If I were you, instead of referring to her as The Witch, just call her Sheep Lady - it sounds much more like a character in a horror film.

This is a tough one. The sheep lady does have two completely different physical appearances. The witch is a manifest of her in the after life, the sheep lady is just an old woman. I thought it worked for most the way I wrote it.

Quoted from SteveUK I think the way that Jane stops the witch could be made clearer/better. At the moment, the witch doesn't even get hold of Jane until after she's blown her brains out. Jane also says "You're coming with me", warning the witch of what she's about to do before the witch has even lunged for her. It would work better if Jane let the witch attack her, lulling her into a false sense of victory before pulling the rug out from under her and killing herself. I also didn't get the spiders thing either. Although it would look cool on screen, it doesn't match in with what you had already established at the beginning when the man is dragged under the water by the black skeletal hands. These events should definitely tie-in with each other.

Remember, the sheep lady was not a christian. A different religion entirely. And she mocks Christianity from the get go. She may not understand that many believe suicide is a mortal sin.

As to your second part, I just thought that when hell comes for you, it does so in different forms. Sometimes claws coming out of the water, sometimes spiders pouring out of elevator doors. Who knows, maybe the devil is creative like that...

Steve, super thanks for these notes. You've put alot of thought into this and your suggestions have really got my wheels turning. I've declared I'm keeping this flawed version as I finish this magnum opus of a two minute trailer, but I need to start the rewrite. Because If I get any interest in it, i need the leaner, meaner version of this ready to deliver.

Now, where is Ledbetter so I can go yell at his ass for being the only one not making good on their promise. . If he doesn't get to your script, I will. With notes like these I'd like to check out some of your writing...

James