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  Author    Honey Mustard - feature  (currently 7564 views)
eldave1
Posted: April 12th, 2020, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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The synopsis was top notch.

I have just some minor things for you to consider (no game changers). My suggested changes in bold. Again - their real nits.


Quoted Text
Stella’s mental condition continuously spirals as she’s


Stella’s mental state continuously spirals downwards as she’s


Quoted Text
…when Stella pays a visit to their home in the middle of the woods.


...when Stella pays invades their home in the middle of the woods.

….once it’s revealed that Buford and his family aren’t exactly who we think they are.

...once it’s revealed that Buford isn’t exactly who we think he is and being a bad tipper was the least of his problems.

Last thought on the story - again - nit.

In your first scene there is the fight between Oscar and Stella about her being with another woman. Might be interesting if he mistakenly thinks it's a man. When Stella says she ain't been with another man it'd be the truth.

That would add a little unexpected kick when we meet Maltilda in the car - ad - it was a woman.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: April 12th, 2020, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, cool man, thanks for actually looking at the one-pager, I don't think anyone's done that, lol. I will definitely look it over again.


Quoted Text
In your first scene there is the fight between Oscar and Stella about her being with another woman. Might be interesting if he mistakenly thinks it's a man. When Stella says she ain't been with another man it'd be the truth.

That would add a little unexpected kick when we meet Maltilda in the car - ad - it was a woman.


Interesting thought. Not sure if the unexpected kick serves a purpose though. And I really wanted to get that homophobia across right away, to show that it's something that Stella is dealing with. Her hiding her sexuality and even denying it, I feel, is an important contributing factor to her cracking. That repressed feeling. Maybe I could explore that in other scenes, though. I dunno. Let me think about this one.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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_ghostwriters
Posted: April 13th, 2020, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Sheesh, by the time I looked over the draft last week there's a third, If not fourth posted!  Not sure which.

Ok, so I'm not necessarily going to critique what you've done yet -- more like compliment. I will say that I enjoyed this very much.  But I didn’t love it.  Not a big fan of flashbacks. They're a tricky thing, but I like how you've used them here. Also, each character has his/her own voice. I can distinctly depict who is who.  This was a simple concept.  Maybe not the most original, but you've made it unique. You've done a pretty damn good job here!

If I could sum up the second/third acts. It definitely goes in a direction that is wild, and HAPPENED!...the story is crazy!

Trivial but I mention it anyway, too many dead people. This is the epitome of "overkill." The more bodies we encounter, the less potent the effect, bordering on maudlin.  That said -- I think you are okay on that front.

I could stop there.  But, you'd be disappointed if I didn't kick you in the nuts. We can't have that, now can we?

I'm no expert, Michael, but it would seem to me that the question is: whose story is it ? Is it primarily about a waitress whom the audience is going to relate to emotionally, or is it primarily about this whacked out nut-job mofo Buford who goes postal.

That I think is what you need to decide: The Die Hard flicks have great antags, but the story is always clearly about Bruce. Same with James Bond. In films like Terminator, the main guy is Arnold, whether he's good or bad. In Silence of the Lamb, you could argue that there are two protags, both the FBI Agent and the psychopath. But the killer has charm and manners and a certain respect for the other protag that make him likable. If you give too much attention to the bad guy, he will overtake your whole script, and the story becomes about him. And that might be a problem. Bad guys are frequently more interesting than the good guys, it's a real challenge for writers to make the good guys interesting (not saying that's the case here, Stella was interesting) when the bad guys are so much easier to write... there have been whole dissertations on this.  However - here you have Buford who I found not that likable, so don't make him the focus.  Although, on his likability, I'll admit - I'm probably the lone dissenter here.  

But then I put my writer's hat back on and -- my woman’s intuition tells me you have decided.  And it’s Stella.  I just wasn’t so sure.  If that's the case, then a friendly reminder to keep your concentration on Stella going forward, and her Hell Hath No Fury.  And think of Buford as a bonus. The cherry on the ice-cream.  

That would be my totally unprofessional advice.  Up to you, though. Just an opinion.

Disagree w/whathaveyou - but me'thinks Stella should’ve been the one to kill Buford.  But what was your thinking on having Sheriff Hardley do it?

I do have more substantive comments.  Maybe I'll post them later.

I profusely apologize... jaw drops. Better get some coffee... hmm. Maybe I’ll add a touch of Jack Daniels to it. -A


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spesh2k
Posted: April 14th, 2020, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey Andrea,

Thanks for taking out the time to check this one out! Some great notes here, specifically one note you made that I fully agree with 100%. I've been stewing over it all week. But I'll get to that.


Quoted Text
Ok, so I'm not necessarily going to critique what you've done yet -- more like compliment. I will say that I enjoyed this very much.  But I didn�t love it.  Not a big fan of flashbacks. They're a tricky thing, but I like how you've used them here. Also, each character has his/her own voice. I can distinctly depict who is who.  This was a simple concept.  Maybe not the most original, but you've made it unique. You've done a pretty damn good job here!


Yeah, I wanted to take familiar slasher tropes and try to turn it on its a head a little bit. I knew the concept was simple so I wanted to mess around with structure a little bit and, although it's familiar territory in concept, I wanted to tell the story in a different way.


Quoted Text
Trivial but I mention it anyway, too many dead people. This is the epitome of "overkill." The more bodies we encounter, the less potent the effect, bordering on maudlin.  That said -- I think you are okay on that front.


Damn it, I kinda wanted to go overkill lol.


Quoted Text
I could stop there.  But, you'd be disappointed if I didn't kick you in the nuts. We can't have that, now can we?


We can all use a good kick in the nuts every so often haha.


Quoted Text
I'm no expert, Michael, but it would seem to me that the question is: whose story is it ? Is it primarily about a waitress whom the audience is going to relate to emotionally, or is it primarily about this whacked out nut-job mofo Buford who goes postal.


Ultimately, it is Stella's story. But I wanted to toy around with perception. Not just with the audience, but the characters. I know I say this is You're Next meets Don't Breathe. But there was another somewhat forgotten film that isn't a horror film that kinda inspired the story a little -- Changing Lanes with Samuel L. Jackson and Ben Affleck. I wanted to show two flawed, depraved characters having bad days and have their worlds collide. And I wanted to show how these two different characters would choose to prevail based on each of their individual circumstance and have their true natures revealed in the process. Good and bad is a matter of perception, albeit it skewed at times. And I wanted to show both sides and how each side perceives themselves vs how they perceive the other. And how their perceptions of each other aren't entirely correct. And how their perceptions of themselves, specifically Buford, are muddled.


Quoted Text
That I think is what you need to decide: The Die Hard flicks have great antags, but the story is always clearly about Bruce. Same with James Bond. In films like Terminator, the main guy is Arnold, whether he's good or bad. In Silence of the Lamb, you could argue that there are two protags, both the FBI Agent and the psychopath. But the killer has charm and manners and a certain respect for the other protag that make him likable. If you give too much attention to the bad guy, he will overtake your whole script, and the story becomes about him. And that might be a problem. Bad guys are frequently more interesting than the good guys, it's a real challenge for writers to make the good guys interesting (not saying that's the case here, Stella was interesting) when the bad guys are so much easier to write... there have been whole dissertations on this.  However - here you have Buford who I found not that likable, so don't make him the focus.  Although, on his likability, I'll admit - I'm probably the lone dissenter here.


I kinda disagree with you here a little bit. Yes, it can work following one character's journey. But it's been done so many times, over and over that it's become pretty much formula. The formula does work of course when done well. But that's not quite the direction I wanted to go. I wanted to tell a slasher story in a different way and see things from both sides -- then let the audience decide who they should root for rather than telling them who they should root for.

Also, some of the examples you have here don't really follow your Bruce Willis/Die Hard/James Bond template. Silence of the Lambs was, by far, Jodie Foster's story. The first Terminator was Sarah Connor's story while the 2nd one was John Connor's story. It was Arnold's character that drove the narrative in each one, though -- he was the Jason Voorhees/Michael Myers character in the 1st one. And he was the muscle/protector in the 2nd one. But he was not the main guy, he only existed because of the main characters in both films.

In regards to "Honey Mustard", I wanted well-rounded characters with their own distinctive arcs. And I wanted to mess with audience perception -- I wanted them to see Stella as that Jason Voorhess type character. And, if you look at all those slasher films, most of the audience is rooting for the killer most of the time, so I wanted to play with that a little bit. And then, when it's revealed that she's actually not the bad guy, the audience can feel good about rooting for her. I didn't want to make Buford TOO likable, even when we're led to believe he and his family are the victims. But I wanted to make him somewhat identifiable and somewhat of a sympathetic character, albeit flawed. And then I wanted the audience/reader to almost hate themselves for even considering rooting for him as his home is being invaded, eventually finding out what he and his family really are.


Quoted Text
But then I put my writer's hat back on and -- my woman�s intuition tells me you have decided.  And it�s Stella.  I just wasn�t so sure.  If that's the case, then a friendly reminder to keep your concentration on Stella going forward, and her Hell Hath No Fury.  And think of Buford as a bonus. The cherry on the ice-cream.


I see what you're saying, but then I'm running the risk of telling a very predictable, Blake Snyder-beat-for-beat-template of a story, void of plot twists and revelations. It becomes another Kill Bill wannabe, at least IMO. I wanted their stories to collide, then dovetail again until another collision -- revealing who they truly are. Look at a film like, "No Country For Old Men" for example. Yes, it's totally Josh Brolin's story, but Anton Chigurh's existence in that plot plays a pretty massive role, almost equal to the protagonist's. Then look at "Don't Breathe" (one of my favorite horror films of the decade)... same deal. The protags are the bad guys for breaking into a blind man's house. But then we realize that the blind man is pretty fucking evil and we find ourselves rooting for the home invaders. Both sides are given the same amount of backstory and focus.


Quoted Text
That would be my totally unprofessional advice.  Up to you, though. Just an opinion.


I gotcha.


Quoted Text
Disagree w/whathaveyou - but me'thinks Stella should�ve been the one to kill Buford.  But what was your thinking on having Sheriff Hardley do it?


Now, this is the one I 100% agree with. I've stewing over this all week and I really think that, not only should Stella kill Buford, but she should also save Sheriff Hardley in the process.


Quoted Text
I profusely apologize... jaw drops. Better get some coffee... hmm. Maybe I�ll add a touch of Jack Daniels to it. -A


Sounds delish!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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_ghostwriters
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Quoted Text
Also, some of the examples you have here don't really follow your Bruce Willis/Die Hard/James Bond template. Silence of the Lambs was, by far, Jodie Foster's story. The first Terminator was Sarah Connor's story while the 2nd one was John Connor's story. It was Arnold's character that drove the narrative in each one, though -- he was the Jason Voorhees/Michael Myers character in the 1st one. And he was the muscle/protector in the 2nd one. But he was not the main guy, he only existed because of the main characters in both films.


Ugh, you are so right.  Stronger coffee.

I hearby withdraw my deductions and shy away to the corner whilst the other SS'ers point, laugh and in some cases throw rotten vege.


Quoted Text
Blake Snyder-beat-for-beat-template of a story, void of plot twists and revelations. It becomes another Kill Bill wannabe, at least IMO. I wanted their stories to collide, then dovetail again until another collision -- revealing who they truly are. Look at a film like, "No Country For Old Men" for example. Yes, it's totally Josh Brolin's story, but Anton Chigurh's existence in that plot plays a pretty massive role, almost equal to the protagonist's. Then look at "Don't Breathe" (one of my favorite horror films of the decade)... same deal. The protags are the bad guys for breaking into a blind man's house. But then we realize that the blind man is pretty fucking evil and we find ourselves rooting for the home invaders. Both sides are given the same amount of backstory and focus.


Ah, gotcha. Fair enough.


Quoted Text
Now, this is the one I 100% agree with. I've stewing over this all week and I really think that, not only should Stella kill Buford, but she should also save Sheriff Hardley in the process.


Haha.  Hey, that's not a bad idea.  Glad you might have found something useful in my stream-of-consciousness bullshit.

Anyhoo - Honey Mustard was entertaining. Witty- Like i said, I liked it very much. It was fast, fun, and easy to read.

You’re a fantastic writer, Michael, not sure why you haven’t been repped.  Or are you?  -Andrea


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spesh2k
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Quoted Text
Ugh, you are so right.  Stronger coffee.

I hearby withdraw my deductions and shy away to the corner whilst the other SS'ers point, laugh and in some cases throw rotten vege.


I see the point you were making. I wasn't saying you were wrong. And you weren't the first to mention it. It's just my personal opinion that not all stories with a bad guy and good guy have to follow the same formula structurally. Stories that follow a protag battling it out with the antag where we immediately know who's who, work and work often. It's a proven formula. But it's not the only way to tell a story. I feel like following the same template can be limiting sometimes. Not saying that going against formula always works, a lot of the time, it doesn't. But the same could be said for any storytelling technique if not done effectively. In this instance, I think it should be up to the audience/reader who they should root for naturally without telling them who to root for. While taking them for a little bit of a ride in the process.

My 2nd favorite film of all time (Taxi Driver being #1) is Psycho. I loved how they told that story, making us think this is Janet Lee's film... and then killing her off a half-hour in. Then, all of a sudden, it's this weird, mama's boy's story, trying to hide the crimes of his mother. And then, of course, I'm sure you know how the rest of that movie plays out (I won't give away any spoilers, but most people probably know the twist there).

I'm not saying I'm some brave, innovative, cavalier writer going against the grain, because the script really isn't completely breaking new ground.


Quoted Text
Haha.  Hey, that's not a bad idea.  Glad you might have found something useful in my stream-of-consciousness bullshit.


It's something I've been mulling over, but you've definitely helped clear it up for me -- I didn't really come to find out how I would handle the ending until you mentioned it. Which I appreciate. It IS the ending of the story, after all, so it's a pretty big note you made. And will probably be the biggest part of the next rewrite. Thank you!


Quoted Text
Anyhoo - Honey Mustard was entertaining. Witty- Like i said, I liked it very much. It was fast, fun, and easy to read.

You’re a fantastic writer, Michael, not sure why you haven’t been repped.  Or are you?  -Andrea


Nah, I'm cheap, I don't want someone taking 10% (plus an extra 15 with a manager). Of course, I'm kidding, I'd much rather have representation. But most of my stuff that's been produced, in particular the features, have been niche, indie films. I've never really written anything that has serious market value or broad appeal. But I really think I have that with "Honey Mustard". There's a massive market for horror out there. Of course, with managers, a lot of them are looking to sign writers with at least 3 really, really impressive, high-concept, broad appeal screenplays. And I just don't have that -- unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), my last project, I spent 6 months writing a script I was hired for, which got produced. The movie is actually really, really good, better than my first film. But it won't be released for a little bit. And my script before that bounced around a bit -- I did option it and got paid kinda/sorta okay for the option. But then it expired and I decided to develop it with an indie horror boutique prod. co in NYC with some horror actor friends. Both scripts I feel were really good, it's just that I can't shop them or include them with my package of scripts.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


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spesh2k  -  April 14th, 2020, 2:13am
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spesh2k
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Okay, to those who've already read this (your notes have been invaluable!), this is the new ending. The script is now 93 pages. And the rewrite to the ending starts at page 85. A big thanks to Andrea, especially, for the suggestion! It was definitely something I've been mulling over, but I didn't know how exactly I was going to execute the new ending until she said something about it.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1D3fCGwMw0lAJsGHxeOCkuh9Zx3og0z6U/view?usp=sharing

I'm sure the full, updated draft will be up in a few days or so, for anyone who hasn't read previous drafts of the script.

Thanks again to everybody for the amazing notes!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
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Quoted from spesh2k
Okay, to those who've already read this (your notes have been invaluable!), this is the new ending. The script is now 93 pages. And the rewrite to the ending starts at page 85. A big thanks to Andrea, especially, for the suggestion! It was definitely something I've been mulling over, but I didn't know how exactly I was going to execute the new ending until she said something about it.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1D3fCGwMw0lAJsGHxeOCkuh9Zx3og0z6U/view?usp=sharing

I'm sure the full, updated draft will be up in a few days or so, for anyone who hasn't read previous drafts of the script.

Thanks again to everybody for the amazing notes!

-- Michael


Bueno - I like this ending better



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Mr.Ripley
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Hey Michael,

Read the first 10 and will continue to read further.

SPOILERS!

It reminds me of Falling Down just more violent.  

You’re already referencing the honey mustard lol.  

I would’ve expected a buildup of the anger and implosion against the husband. But I’ll see how the story progresses.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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_ghostwriters
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Whoops!  There it is.

I echo Dave’s comment.  Very, very nicely done.

One more iddy biddy thing; I’m glad to see you went back and gave Captive Woman a name. -A


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spesh2k
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Quoted Text
Bueno - I like this ending better


Thanks, David.


Quoted Text
Hey Michael,

Read the first 10 and will continue to read further.

SPOILERS!

It reminds me of Falling Down just more violent.  

You’re already referencing the honey mustard lol.  

I would’ve expected a buildup of the anger and implosion against the husband. But I’ll see how the story progresses.

Gabe


Hey Gabe! Thanks for taking a look!

As for the build-up of anger and implosion... their relationship started way before the story began. And she's been dealing with years of abuse up to this point. I'd say it's had plenty of time to build up.


Quoted Text
Whoops!  There it is.

I echo Dave’s comment.  Very, very nicely done.

One more iddy biddy thing; I’m glad to see you went back and gave Captive Woman a name. -A


Thanks again, Andrea. Yeah, I was reading through the dialogue and put myself in her shoes more. If I was held captive, I'd definitely give my name to a cop.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2


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medstudent
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Michael, first, thank you for the insightful review of my script. It gives me much to work with. Thank you.

I haven't read any of the above reviews so if some of this is redundant, forgive me.

GENERAL THOUGHTS

I thought this was a really solid script. It read well, was faced paced and when it started it never let up. I can see this being produced in an (much more sophisticated) 80’s slasher style. As is, it is definitely a producible and marketable film that should sell with the right pitch. I love the twists and turns. Reminds me of Parasite where the turn around one corner leads to another, and another. The idea of a family of serial killers is not new though this came off as refreshing. What I like most about the idea of a family of killers is that each family member (while capable of killing) does it in their own particular way, with a particular feeling or style. One cool and calculated, the other maniacal, another bumbling…

While the script is really bloody good, a script could always use tightening in places. I think with Honey Mustard, highlighting and polishing each character would be the focus of the next rewrite. Pushing the characters to the edges of their most egregious traits would make this thing shine even more than it already does.  As is, Stella doesn’t have a trait that defines her (except the beaten housewife), Matilda=Stella’s protector, Buford=the down-on-his-luck all American Father, Newton=picked on loner (with a monster inside), Gertrude=the protective hen-mother, Sheriff=the small town, good-ol-boy cop who, despite his flaws tends to do the right thing at the right time…

I would take these character traits to their extremes with dialogue, subtle action, etc.

Besides that, my only gripe was the ending lingered too much and the longline needs work. I dunno, maybe just me. I felt like the ending dragged on a wee bit. But, again, if looked at through the lens of 80’s slasher then it may be just right.

For the logline, as is, it wouldn't interest me to read this. It doesn't do the script justice and people may pass on a stellar script because of it.



SPECIFIC THOUGHTS

Way to jump into the action. A little jarring to open the film with rape-sex but I think it works. It might be interesting to start with just the opposite… Beautiful day with Stella and Matilda enjoying themselves alone then, BANG something brings Stella back to the harsh reality of her life at that moment.

I like the subtle character play with Buford and his son. One action line tells us everything we need to know about Buford - him giving his toast to his son. Well done.

Malitilda is supposed to be Stella’s protector. I’d ramp up her reaction to Donnie.

I do like how you built tension in this scene. It works really well.  Her devolution into complete madness plays well.

Not sure you need the “earlier that night” flashback. I think he gets it.

Oh wow. This turn of events is good.


BUFORD (CONT’D)
It was my job to protect you from
this mess. I failed. And there’s no coming back now. Not from this.

Not sure this works here.

Page 72. This whole sequence seems out of place. I think would work better if Newton were older. I just don’t feel like a “normal” kid of that age would have being close to a woman other than his mother as a motivation. I dunno.

Pages 73-75. I like his dual and opposing personalities. Like the Hulk. His monster only comes out when needed. The rest of the time he is a likable, soft, loving person. Like a guy who’s constantly compensating for the maniac hiding within. I would push to the edges of this trait then pull back from it a bit.

Page 78 “She narrows HER eyes at him”

Page 81. I don’t see Gertrude killing like that. It’s too easy to have all 3 of your main characters killing machines. I think, like Stella, she would kill out of desperation. It seems too casual as is.

Page 85.
STELLA We leave, I guess.

Just have them leave in the next scene.

Page 87. No! I wanted to see Captive Woman live.

Page 89. Too many “I thought they were dead but they’re not” moments.


Overall, great job, Michael.  I would recommend giving this a read. 9/10



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spesh2k
Posted: April 18th, 2020, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Joseph, thanks for checking this out. Your notes were on point.


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Michael, first, thank you for the insightful review of my script. It gives me much to work with. Thank you.


No problem man, it was an easy read.


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GENERAL THOUGHTS

I thought this was a really solid script. It read well, was faced paced and when it started it never let up. I can see this being produced in an (much more sophisticated) 80’s slasher style. As is, it is definitely a producible and marketable film that should sell with the right pitch. I love the twists and turns. Reminds me of Parasite where the turn around one corner leads to another, and another. The idea of a family of serial killers is not new though this came off as refreshing. What I like most about the idea of a family of killers is that each family member (while capable of killing) does it in their own particular way, with a particular feeling or style. One cool and calculated, the other maniacal, another bumbling…


Thanks, man. I kinda wanted to see what would happen if a Jason Voorhees/Michael Myers character (Stella, at first) crossed paths with the Sawyer family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, although a little more subtle, grounded and less bat-shit bonkers. Although it still gets pretty nuts, I wanted to build to it.


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While the script is really bloody good, a script could always use tightening in places. I think with Honey Mustard, highlighting and polishing each character would be the focus of the next rewrite. Pushing the characters to the edges of their most egregious traits would make this thing shine even more than it already does.  As is, Stella doesn’t have a trait that defines her (except the beaten housewife), Matilda=Stella’s protector, Buford=the down-on-his-luck all American Father, Newton=picked on loner (with a monster inside), Gertrude=the protective hen-mother, Sheriff=the small town, good-ol-boy cop who, despite his flaws tends to do the right thing at the right time…

I would take these character traits to their extremes with dialogue, subtle action, etc.


Great point. Wanted to look into adding just subtle quirks, specifically for the Stella and Gertrude characters -- although it couldn't hurt to sprinkle that around to all the characters. For Stella, I thought about having her do little, subtle things. Like you said, quirks. Still thinking that part over. For Gertrude, I was thinking of a few things, like maybe she's a clean freak who gets annoyed by blood on the carpet, or something small like that. Still thinking that one over, too.


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Besides that, my only gripe was the ending lingered too much and the longline needs work. I dunno, maybe just me. I felt like the ending dragged on a wee bit. But, again, if looked at through the lens of 80’s slasher then it may be just right.

For the logline, as is, it wouldn't interest me to read this. It doesn't do the script justice and people may pass on a stellar script because of it.


I wanted to give that 80's, schlocky slasher kinda vibe in the log line, even though the script is more than that. I think, if the film does get made, that it would be the best way to market the film, as it would be attractive to a hardcore horror audience -- and then exceed their expectations. While still having fun and getting the kills in, it tells the story in a different way and has some twists and tricks up its sleeve a bit. But I get what you're saying -- a production company might just think it's yet another mindless slasher screenplay going strictly by the log line. I'll work on that a little bit.


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SPECIFIC THOUGHTS

Way to jump into the action. A little jarring to open the film with rape-sex but I think it works. It might be interesting to start with just the opposite… Beautiful day with Stella and Matilda enjoying themselves alone then, BANG something brings Stella back to the harsh reality of her life at that moment.


Interesting thought. I kinda wanted to give off that depraved vibe right away, from the jump. But it's worth thinking about.


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I like the subtle character play with Buford and his son. One action line tells us everything we need to know about Buford - him giving his toast to his son. Well done.


Yeah, I thought it was a good way to mislead the audience and misdirect them. And, even though we find out that Buford's an evil fuck, he is still a family man, first and foremost. Which is a redeemable trait.


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Malitilda is supposed to be Stella’s protector. I’d ramp up her reaction to Donnie.


Noted.


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I do like how you built tension in this scene. It works really well.  Her devolution into complete madness plays well.


Cool.


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Not sure you need the “earlier that night” flashback. I think he gets it.


Noted.


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Oh wow. This turn of events is good.


Fucking sweet.


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BUFORD (CONT’D)
It was my job to protect you from
this mess. I failed. And there’s no coming back now. Not from this.

Not sure this works here.


I'll look into this a bit. I do think it works, but could enhance it a bit to show just how disappointed Buford is.


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Page 72. This whole sequence seems out of place. I think would work better if Newton were older. I just don’t feel like a “normal” kid of that age would have being close to a woman other than his mother as a motivation. I dunno.


I don't know about that. When I was 15, all I really cared about was smoking weed and getting laid.


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Page 78 “She narrows HER eyes at him”


Good catch, thanks.


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Page 81. I don’t see Gertrude killing like that. It’s too easy to have all 3 of your main characters killing machines. I think, like Stella, she would kill out of desperation. It seems too casual as is.


Maybe. She is kinda killing out of desperation (at least the cops), although she's a little more casual than she maybe should be. And she's pretty sure her husband has just been killed. And she is nuts (the whole family is). I'd imagine she'd want some retribution.


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Page 87. No! I wanted to see Captive Woman live.


Sorry, man.


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Page 89. Too many “I thought they were dead but they’re not” moments.


It was kind of a running joke, especially in the early drafts -- the 1st draft, specifically. I even acknowledge it by having one of the characters saying, "Now, is there anybody else you think is dead that might not be dead?" I didn't write it exactly like that, but that's the gist. Was thinking of throwing in a funny line to acknowledge it. I'll see if it works.


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Overall, great job, Michael.  I would recommend giving this a read. 9/10


Thanks again, Joseph, appreciate you taking out the time. Glad you enjoyed it!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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spesh2k
Posted: April 21st, 2020, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, another rewrite. For those who've read this already, I didn't make any wildly drastic changes that would warrant another read. But I do thank everyone for their notes, it's really helped. I don't think I'm too far off...

The link at the top of the thread should be updated with this draft soon...

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1D3fCGwMw0lAJsGHxeOCkuh9Zx3og0z6U/view?usp=sharing

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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stampede331
Posted: April 21st, 2020, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Up to page 20.  Enjoying it very much so far.  I unfortunately saw that there is a big twist halfway through while scrolling through the critiques, but I don't know what it is.  Will read more tomorrow and am looking forward to this reveal
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