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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Supreme Leader Moderators: bert
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  Author    Supreme Leader  (currently 1463 views)
Don
Posted: August 3rd, 2019, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Supreme Leader by W.L. Wright - Series, Comedy - It's the year 2030 and Teller Lowder is working at becoming Supreme Leader with the help of his good friends and the absurd seems to be working beautifully. 31 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 20th, 2019, 12:02pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: August 3rd, 2019, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Hey, WL:


Quoted Text
INT POLITICAL CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS OF TELLER LOWED IT'S A
SMALL OFFICE IN LOS ANGELES


No where near a correct scene heading.

Here's a good source for you:

https://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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UnboundWriter
Posted: August 8th, 2019, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Hey, WL:



No where near a correct scene heading.

Here's a good source for you:

https://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm




Thanks I do see that I added extra words on that one. Thanks for catching it. Oops!  
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eldave1
Posted: August 8th, 2019, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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No problem


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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UnboundWriter
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I've got the weirdest writer reality = this post has 83 hits in less than 24 hours and is banging it up but all I got is crickets other than the one comment on one typo. My novels are the same, they have their fans but they are the quiet ones mostly less than 1% aren't and I am eternally grateful for them because more people jump in and enjoy the experience because what they have said about the story they experienced.  

So let me say I am eternally grateful to you if you laughed because it's the point. It's time to drop the serious and I am all in and always have been. Even got in trouble in school over it but I was academically gifted so they were always nervous and their timing was always off. So I am what exists after the entire experience, still the same, forget serious let's laugh.
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Sam
Posted: August 10th, 2019, 3:54am Report to Moderator
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Hi UnboundWriter,

Welcome to the site.
I'll give this a read today. Are you looking for a review so you can rewite it? It sounds a little bit like you want people to read it and just tell you how good it is, as most new writers do.
Maybe I'm reading too much into your posts.

Anyway, I'll give it a read and let you know what I honestly think.


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Sam
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Title page Ė Not a good start. Get rid of that comment.

Most people, mainly new writers just want feedback on their story and get a little frustrated when people focus on the format and not the story but your opening action line (block) is a good example of how important format is to the story.

A big part of the craft of screenwriting is translating information using just visuals, sounds and dialogue. All information has to be translated into those which creates ďfilm languageĒ. That's why bad guys dress in black, the GOOD guys are GOOD looking and BAD guys are BAD looking. That's how we read subtext.

You're not using film language to relay information in your opening action block you're just telling us. Now... it could be that this isn't an action block and it's actually text that appears on screen. If that's the case then make it clear but it's a lazy way starts a script.

Assuming it's an action block, lets look at all the information you want the audience to know.

1. The year is 2030 and not much has changed except instead of a president the national election is now for Supreme Leader.
2. We are one year out from the election for supreme leader and Teller Lowed desperately wants to be elected and he will do anything to get there.
3. His team is made up of his long time friends from high school who all want Teller to make it so they can all cash in when he does.
4. Cash, a 20s something jock, Bunny a silver spoon debutante, Tanner a surfer beach bum and Sandy who sells weed and is also a beach bum.
5. Every morning Teller has to kick out the bums that have crawled in at night. He arrives in the morning alone and does the usual start.

So, lets film this scene. What do we see? Well, we don't know what the room looks like. I don't have a clear picture of the bums or how many there are.

So a guy, look unknown, enters a room and kicks some homeless men out. You haven't translated the information above into the scene.


That's all I'll say about format but there are other examples dotted about.
I'm guessing you're in your 20s like your characters? It's strange that such young people are running for supreme leader.

My main issue with the story is that you don't explain things. Here's a list of things I don't know...
1. What a supreme leader is.
2. What country this is set in. North Korea?
3. Why Teller is running.
4. Who is against him.
5. Why he wants to win. What does he stand for?
6. What the world looks like. It's set in the future yet all we really see is an office and a country club.
7. What do the rich want him to do in exchange for the cheques?
8. Is weed legal? He's a politician giving out free weed without anyone questioning it.
9. I don't know how the race is going. They keep talking like he's going to win but he only has 19 twitter followers.
10. Why does this have to be set in the future? Why supreme leader why not just a local election or put them in high school and make him run for school president.


The story felt a little shallow. There didn't seem to be a point to it all.

I thought your dialogue was pretty good throughout and the characters had individual voices. I only read the first episode and it did drag at the end. They talk a lot and I have no idea why they go to a bar at the end. That scene has no new information.

I'm writing a comedy at the moment and it's unbelievably difficult. If you watch good comedies you'll notice every line is either a set up for a joke or a joke. That's a lot of jokes to think of!

I think if you try and find creative ways to answer my questions above you'll see a huge improvement and you'll have more opportunities for jokes.

Writing scripts is hard and it's easy to pick them apart. I do think you have a voice and you're clearly passionate.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh  and I'll be happy to read a rewrite.




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UnboundWriter
Posted: August 10th, 2019, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sam
Hi UnboundWriter,

Welcome to the site.
I'll give this a read today. Are you looking for a review so you can rewite it? It sounds a little bit like you want people to read it and just tell you how good it is, as most new writers do.
Maybe I'm reading too much into your posts.

Anyway, I'll give it a read and let you know what I honestly think.


I just want feedback as all writers do but us indie writers don't get reviews very often from the general public. Thank you so very much for giving it a read and I hope you get a bunch of laughs! It's my ONLY goal. lol
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UnboundWriter
Posted: August 10th, 2019, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sam
Title page Ė Not a good start. Get rid of that comment.

Most people, mainly new writers just want feedback on their story and get a little frustrated when people focus on the format and not the story but your opening action line (block) is a good example of how important format is to the story.

A big part of the craft of screenwriting is translating information using just visuals, sounds and dialogue. All information has to be translated into those which creates ďfilm languageĒ. That's why bad guys dress in black, the GOOD guys are GOOD looking and BAD guys are BAD looking. That's how we read subtext.

You're not using film language to relay information in your opening action block you're just telling us. Now... it could be that this isn't an action block and it's actually text that appears on screen. If that's the case then make it clear but it's a lazy way starts a script.

Assuming it's an action block, lets look at all the information you want the audience to know.

1. The year is 2030 and not much has changed except instead of a president the national election is now for Supreme Leader.
2. We are one year out from the election for supreme leader and Teller Lowed desperately wants to be elected and he will do anything to get there.
3. His team is made up of his long time friends from high school who all want Teller to make it so they can all cash in when he does.
4. Cash, a 20s something jock, Bunny a silver spoon debutante, Tanner a surfer beach bum and Sandy who sells weed and is also a beach bum.
5. Every morning Teller has to kick out the bums that have crawled in at night. He arrives in the morning alone and does the usual start.

So, lets film this scene. What do we see? Well, we don't know what the room looks like. I don't have a clear picture of the bums or how many there are.

So a guy, look unknown, enters a room and kicks some homeless men out. You haven't translated the information above into the scene.


That's all I'll say about format but there are other examples dotted about.
I'm guessing you're in your 20s like your characters? It's strange that such young people are running for supreme leader.

My main issue with the story is that you don't explain things. Here's a list of things I don't know...
1. What a supreme leader is.
2. What country this is set in. North Korea?
3. Why Teller is running.
4. Who is against him.
5. Why he wants to win. What does he stand for?
6. What the world looks like. It's set in the future yet all we really see is an office and a country club.
7. What do the rich want him to do in exchange for the cheques?
8. Is weed legal? He's a politician giving out free weed without anyone questioning it.
9. I don't know how the race is going. They keep talking like he's going to win but he only has 19 twitter followers.
10. Why does this have to be set in the future? Why supreme leader why not just a local election or put them in high school and make him run for school president.


The story felt a little shallow. There didn't seem to be a point to it all.

I thought your dialogue was pretty good throughout and the characters had individual voices. I only read the first episode and it did drag at the end. They talk a lot and I have no idea why they go to a bar at the end. That scene has no new information.

I'm writing a comedy at the moment and it's unbelievably difficult. If you watch good comedies you'll notice every line is either a set up for a joke or a joke. That's a lot of jokes to think of!

I think if you try and find creative ways to answer my questions above you'll see a huge improvement and you'll have more opportunities for jokes.

Writing scripts is hard and it's easy to pick them apart. I do think you have a voice and you're clearly passionate.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh  and I'll be happy to read a rewrite.




Thanks for feedback all will be considered. Only thing you didn't tell me is whether you laughed at all? Comedy is subjective so maybe it wasn't your cup of tea but given how much you provided was hoping you could add that info?

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Sam
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I thought it was a fun script for sure. It's very light and enjoyable. I would be lying if i said I laughed but like you said comedy is subjective.

The one thing that I think is absolute poison for a script is "Banter". Banter between some friends is easy to write and seems funny but it's not comedy. Its a very deceptive thing.

With the comedy I'm writing I'm getting in the habit of stretching out moments and squeezing jokes out of them.
For instance, you build up to a speech Teller has to make but you cut it short and nothing really comes of it. Is that really the funniest way you can think of that scene playing out?

Like I mentioned in my review, I din't really understand the context of it all and comedy comes out of context. When teller got up to talk I didn't really know the stakes so it fell a little flat.

My advice would for you to have the speech as the main plot of the episode. Build it up and really ask yourself what is the funniest outcome.


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UnboundWriter
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Quoted from Sam
I thought it was a fun script for sure. It's very light and enjoyable. I would be lying if i said I laughed but like you said comedy is subjective.

The one thing that I think is absolute poison for a script is "Banter". Banter between some friends is easy to write and seems funny but it's not comedy. Its a very deceptive thing.

With the comedy I'm writing I'm getting in the habit of stretching out moments and squeezing jokes out of them.
For instance, you build up to a speech Teller has to make but you cut it short and nothing really comes of it. Is that really the funniest way you can think of that scene playing out?

Like I mentioned in my review, I din't really understand the context of it all and comedy comes out of context. When teller got up to talk I didn't really know the stakes so it fell a little flat.

My advice would for you to have the speech as the main plot of the episode. Build it up and really ask yourself what is the funniest outcome.


Thanks for your response it is very appreciated. The Teller thing is that as much as he wants to become popular about his "platform of issues" he never gets to actually do that and despite that he is succeeding. His speech or lack thereof at the country club is irony and comedy in that they don't actually care what he "stands for" they care about what they get if they support him. Teller is altruistic but life has it's own path. Comedy laughs at life, at it's absurdities that we all know are true but comedy let's us dig into it and laugh at ourselves. If we can't do that we are all doomed.

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UnboundWriter
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WOW 189 I'm impressed!
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LC
Posted: August 11th, 2019, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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Hi Unbound,

First off you need to include your name as the writer on the title page of your script.
You also should add:

(c) 2019 All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

I'd personally leave phone numbers off.

By your own admission youíre a novel writer first so you're making quite a few rookie mistakes in the transition to screenwriting. Hey, we've all been there.

Screenplay writing (as Sam said) has its own set of structuring called Industry Standard Formatting. The links below will set you on the correct path re how your script should look and be set out so that it reads fluidly.

https://screencraft.org/2018/01/05/the-screenwriters-guide-to-formatting-television-scripts/
Ignore the scene numbers on the left hand side of the page. Those are 'shooting scriptí specs.

https://thescriptlab.com/featu.....-television-scripts/
https://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_format.html

You should delete this on the opening page:
Television Comedy That's Hilarious
Unless youíre an established comedy writer and youíve a rep for laying them in the aisles, youíd be wise to let your reader be the judge of this.

Set the scene. (See below)

FYI: This example (below) is not how scene headers (aka slugs) are written:
EXT OUTSIDE CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS THE CROWD HAS GROWN SO
LARGE THE BUMS TRYING TO CONTROL THE UNRULY LINE CREATE A
RUCKUS THAT BRINGS A SWARM OF POLICE.

What you've done there is a combo of scene header and description, and the header is lacking any punctuation.

It should be written:
EXT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Ė DAY

To reiterate Dave's advice:
https://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm

Then describe the scene, paint the picture for us.

Avoid description generalisations such as: not much has changed. Changed from what and when?
You need to describe: Where are we? What city, state? Is it a wealthy city area, seedy part of town, out in the sticks etc?

Then set the scene with description on a separate line in ACTION/DESCRIPTION in your software.
An unruly MOB stretches around the block. Sirens sound, a convoy of Special Service Vehicles skids to a halt. A swarm of POLICE OFFICERS, clad in riot gear, spill from the vehicles onto the sidewalk.
A bit of overkill there, but you get the most in terms of the picture being painted for us.

So:
FADE IN:
Describe the scene.
Instead of telling us: The year is 2030
Use a Super.
Superimpose: The Year, 2030
You could alternatively use a Super over black before you FADE IN.

His team is made up of his long time
friends from high school who all want Teller to make it so
they can all cash in when he does. Cash, a 20s something
jock, Bunny a silver spoon debutante, Tanner a surfer beach
bum and Sandy who sells weed and is also a beach bum. Every
morning Teller has to kick out the bums that have crawled in
at night. He arrives in the morning alone and does the usual
start.


Sam noted it first, and I agree - thatís all telling us stuff and it won't work here. It's fine in a novel but not in a screenplay.

You need to intro all of your characters as soon as they make an appearance.
And, Capitalise character names on introduction e.g.

Make your characters three dimensional:
CASH, 20s, typical jock, chiselled, broad-shouldered and handsome, but dumb as a meat-axe.
BUNNY, 18, a silver-spoon debutante, sweet natured but as vacuous as her acrylic nails, eyelash extensions and newly minted breasts suggest.

So, you'd write something like:
SUPREME LEADER NOMINEE, TELLER LOWED, 30, flanked by his team, (describe the main players, ages, appearance etc.) addresses an unruly mob...
I'd omit Supreme Leader and just intro him as Teller Lowed.

We are one year out from the election for supreme leader and
Teller Lowed desperately wants to be elected and he will...


We canít know we're one year out unless itís mentioned in Lowedís speech as dialogue, or superimposed/title card or perhaps posters tell us, or it's given in narration, etc.

In screen writing you canít tell us information in big slabs like that above but by showing us through visuals, dialogue and action.

MELVIN
Okay Bunny so when is Teller
getting here I would like to talk
to him before this shin dig gets
going. You know just make sure he
doesn't embarrass himself in front
of my friends.


A lot of your dialogue is missing punctuation Ė specifically commas, question marks, ellipses etc.

Okay Bunny, so when is Teller getting here?
I'd like (contractions sound more like everyday speech)
to talk to him before this shindig (one word) gets going.
You know, just to make sure he doesnít embarrass himself
In front of my friends.

You don't have to worry about that
Mr. Weener.

Offset names with a comma.
You donít have to worry, Mr Weener.

Don't screw this up Teller!
Don't screw this up, Teller.

Only use exclamation points if theyíre really necessary. They can be overused.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1124159895/s-0/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Regarding plot, characters, and humour, thereís not a lot going on for me to really latch onto. Itís mildly amusing but I think you need more than machinations for election via Ďbumsí (perhaps call them homeless?), free weed and free phones. For a Pilot episode your characters need to jump from the page and you need a hook. Story wise it's a little one-note. Perhaps seek out some true-life voting/election scandals of a humorous or off-beat nature.

Keep at it. You can learn a lot on this site.

SS relies on a community of writers reading and reviewing each otherís work. Quid pro quo. You get what you give. You'll get to know others and learn more in the process.

You can specifically request a script review exchange here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

It's pretty quiet around here at the moment but when OWCs and Writer's Tournaments are on it's a hive of activity. I hope youíll join in.

Read past entries and Writer's Choice entries here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?c-OWC/

** FYI: I donít mean to burst your bubble but thread views don't typically equate to Script reads.
The good news however is that itís proof of traffic and Producers do come looking for scripts on SS.


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_ghostwriters
Posted: August 11th, 2019, 6:10am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


I am a writer first and a critic second.

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Wow, outfreakingstanding!!!  Libby probably offered you some script analysis that you would normally have to pay top dollar for!

Just drive-by comments.  Gotta admit, after reading seven pages, I'm still not engaged yet. And I should be, given the subject matter.  But it's not gripping me.  To compound the problems, the dialogue itself, some of it... it's all very on-the-nose to me.  There's nothing under the lines.  The characters aren't lying, defending, concealing, boasting... they're just delivering speeches and asking questions.

"I want to be supreme leader not supreme sucker," "Hey don't piss here go piss at the next business!" - these feel like they are supposed to be the joke lines, but they aren't funny.

Humor could be turned up. I get that itís subjective but nothing felt funny for me.  To each their own, I suppose.  

Libby, brought a flashlight onto a dark street and helped you to pave a smoother road.

Best of luck!-Andrea


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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UnboundWriter
Posted: August 11th, 2019, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Hi Unbound,

First off you need to include your name as the writer on the title page of your script.
You also should add:

(c) 2019 All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

I'd personally leave phone numbers off.

By your own admission youíre a novel writer first so you're making quite a few rookie mistakes in the transition to screenwriting. Hey, we've all been there.

Screenplay writing (as Sam said) has its own set of structuring called Industry Standard Formatting. The links below will set you on the correct path re how your script should look and be set out so that it reads fluidly.

https://screencraft.org/2018/01/05/the-screenwriters-guide-to-formatting-television-scripts/
Ignore the scene numbers on the left hand side of the page. Those are 'shooting scriptí specs.

https://thescriptlab.com/featu.....-television-scripts/
https://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_format.html

You should delete this on the opening page:
Television Comedy That's Hilarious
Unless youíre an established comedy writer and youíve a rep for laying them in the aisles, youíd be wise to let your reader be the judge of this.

Set the scene. (See below)

FYI: This example (below) is not how scene headers (aka slugs) are written:
EXT OUTSIDE CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS THE CROWD HAS GROWN SO
LARGE THE BUMS TRYING TO CONTROL THE UNRULY LINE CREATE A
RUCKUS THAT BRINGS A SWARM OF POLICE.

What you've done there is a combo of scene header and description, and the header is lacking any punctuation.

It should be written:
EXT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS Ė DAY

To reiterate Dave's advice:
https://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm

Then describe the scene, paint the picture for us.

Avoid description generalisations such as: not much has changed. Changed from what and when?
You need to describe: Where are we? What city, state? Is it a wealthy city area, seedy part of town, out in the sticks etc?

Then set the scene with description on a separate line in ACTION/DESCRIPTION in your software.
An unruly MOB stretches around the block. Sirens sound, a convoy of Special Service Vehicles skids to a halt. A swarm of POLICE OFFICERS, clad in riot gear, spill from the vehicles onto the sidewalk.
A bit of overkill there, but you get the most in terms of the picture being painted for us.

So:
FADE IN:
Describe the scene.
Instead of telling us: The year is 2030
Use a Super.
Superimpose: The Year, 2030
You could alternatively use a Super over black before you FADE IN.

His team is made up of his long time
friends from high school who all want Teller to make it so
they can all cash in when he does. Cash, a 20s something
jock, Bunny a silver spoon debutante, Tanner a surfer beach
bum and Sandy who sells weed and is also a beach bum. Every
morning Teller has to kick out the bums that have crawled in
at night. He arrives in the morning alone and does the usual
start.


Sam noted it first, and I agree - thatís all telling us stuff and it won't work here. It's fine in a novel but not in a screenplay.

You need to intro all of your characters as soon as they make an appearance.
And, Capitalise character names on introduction e.g.

Make your characters three dimensional:
CASH, 20s, typical jock, chiselled, broad-shouldered and handsome, but dumb as a meat-axe.
BUNNY, 18, a silver-spoon debutante, sweet natured but as vacuous as her acrylic nails, eyelash extensions and newly minted breasts suggest.

So, you'd write something like:
SUPREME LEADER NOMINEE, TELLER LOWED, 30, flanked by his team, (describe the main players, ages, appearance etc.) addresses an unruly mob...
I'd omit Supreme Leader and just intro him as Teller Lowed.

We are one year out from the election for supreme leader and
Teller Lowed desperately wants to be elected and he will...


We canít know we're one year out unless itís mentioned in Lowedís speech as dialogue, or superimposed/title card or perhaps posters tell us, or it's given in narration, etc.

In screen writing you canít tell us information in big slabs like that above but by showing us through visuals, dialogue and action.

MELVIN
Okay Bunny so when is Teller
getting here I would like to talk
to him before this shin dig gets
going. You know just make sure he
doesn't embarrass himself in front
of my friends.


A lot of your dialogue is missing punctuation Ė specifically commas, question marks, ellipses etc.

Okay Bunny, so when is Teller getting here?
I'd like (contractions sound more like everyday speech)
to talk to him before this shindig (one word) gets going.
You know, just to make sure he doesnít embarrass himself
In front of my friends.

You don't have to worry about that
Mr. Weener.

Offset names with a comma.
You donít have to worry, Mr Weener.

Don't screw this up Teller!
Don't screw this up, Teller.

Only use exclamation points if theyíre really necessary. They can be overused.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1124159895/s-0/
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Regarding plot, characters, and humour, thereís not a lot going on for me to really latch onto. Itís mildly amusing but I think you need more than machinations for election via Ďbumsí (perhaps call them homeless?), free weed and free phones. For a Pilot episode your characters need to jump from the page and you need a hook. Story wise it's a little one-note. Perhaps seek out some true-life voting/election scandals of a humorous or off-beat nature.

Keep at it. You can learn a lot on this site.

SS relies on a community of writers reading and reviewing each otherís work. Quid pro quo. You get what you give. You'll get to know others and learn more in the process.

You can specifically request a script review exchange here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

It's pretty quiet around here at the moment but when OWCs and Writer's Tournaments are on it's a hive of activity. I hope youíll join in.

Read past entries and Writer's Choice entries here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?c-OWC/

** FYI: I donít mean to burst your bubble but thread views don't typically equate to Script reads.
The good news however is that itís proof of traffic and Producers do come looking for scripts on SS.

Thanks for the input I see your points and especially thanks for the effort to make my script better. I use an online program to write the script and they literally frowned on using Fade In but I see how it is better used than not. I made errors apparently at least 2 on the scene part I do know that rule but I guess my eye missed it on the edit pass. The phone number/etc title thing I forgot that was there and realized it after, oh shock and awe my phone number is online, but I was getting to that change. The second line, I understand, let them decide but I'd rather put confidence in the reader's mind then blankness, even at a risk. lol

Once again thanks I will work on it and resubmit without the phone number Eek! lol
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UnboundWriter
Posted: August 11th, 2019, 8:30am Report to Moderator
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Wow, outfreakingstanding!!!  Libby probably offered you some script analysis that you would normally have to pay top dollar for!

Just drive-by comments.  Gotta admit, after reading seven pages, I'm still not engaged yet. And I should be, given the subject matter.  But it's not gripping me.  To compound the problems, the dialogue itself, some of it... it's all very on-the-nose to me.  There's nothing under the lines.  The characters aren't lying, defending, concealing, boasting... they're just delivering speeches and asking questions.

"I want to be supreme leader not supreme sucker," "Hey don't piss here go piss at the next business!" - these feel like they are supposed to be the joke lines, but they aren't funny.

Humor could be turned up. I get that itís subjective but nothing felt funny for me.  To each their own, I suppose.  

Libby, brought a flashlight onto a dark street and helped you to pave a smoother road.

Best of luck!-Andrea


Thanks and yes I am saddened that you didn't find it funny. I know nothing can be everyone's cup of tea. Thanks for adding thought to mine, it is all good.

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LC
Posted: August 11th, 2019, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Unbound, FADE IN is not compulsory, that's just my preference.

In certain circles it's being frowned upon now?     


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UnboundWriter
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Quoted from LC
Unbound, FADE IN is not compulsory, that's just my preference.

In certain circles it's being frowned upon now?     


Idk they had the "button" but it gives you a warning that says it's a no no. It is also the "program" that is on the list of the only ones you can use for many competitions. My significant other has decades in this biz and he was surprised about that too. Maybe it's a newbie test, if you don't use it they "know" lol.
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LC
Posted: August 11th, 2019, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Don't get hung up on that, Unbound. No-one is going to penalise you for that either way, and if they did I'd be wary of any other advice given.

Get your basic formatting down and then concentrate on the important stuff.


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UnboundWriter
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Quoted from LC
Don't get hung up on that, Unbound. No-one is going to penalise you for that either way, and if they did I'd be wary of any other advice given.

Get your basic formatting down and then concentrate on the important stuff.


I left the super serious life already if I ever really got there so no worries there. But you know I have to say the hits here are off the chain, and it's not just on this site. Something is going on with Supreme Leader it's blowing up everywhere it is listed.  So going to go shine it up and get that phone number off. Not today, it's Sunday it's a play day. lol Thanks again!

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Dustin
Posted: August 11th, 2019, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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Many of those hits will be bots that are harvesting information from the web. Not just Google bots et al, but anyone can write a program that will search the web for relevant information, steal it and add it to their own webspace - all automated. There are probably five e-books of your script already.


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UnboundWriter
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Quoted from Dustin
Many of those hits will be bots that are harvesting information from the web. Not just Google bots et al, but anyone can write a program that will search the web for relevant information, steal it and add it to their own webspace - all automated. There are probably five e-books of your script already.


Bots, robots, machines, mechanisms, well if it was all that then why isn't it equating across everything everyone and everybody posts? It would if that was true.
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Dustin
Posted: August 11th, 2019, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from UnboundWriter


Bots, robots, machines, mechanisms, well if it was all that then why isn't it equating across everything everyone and everybody posts? It would if that was true.


It doesn't equate... because it isn't equal. There are many variables. There are suggestions of 50% being bot hits on average... but this is an average and there are variables that can increase or decrease that number. The better your thread is, the more keywords it contains, the more replies it gets, the more bot hits or fake traffic it will receive.


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UnboundWriter
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Nah I don't buy it, and I am a moderator on a sub on Reddit and see the figures of all of it and the equation is always the same and that is the higher the number is the higher the actual hits of real people, real users, not some figment of internet imaginations of a bot universe in control of it all.
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Dustin
Posted: August 11th, 2019, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Wow... you're a moderator on a sub on Reddit... well then, I take it all back. You must be correct.


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Dustin
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 4:05am Report to Moderator
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Sorry for the sarcasm. But what I've said is very easy to verify. I've built websites, forums, e-commerce sites, and run my own server. A new website gets set up and people are like, hey, I've had 20 hits already! Every single one will have been a bot of some description. It happens whenever new content hits the web. They're like vampires for information.

Here's a quote, but it's a little outdated:

"In 2016, 51.8% of all internet users were robots. This was made up of 22.9% good bots and 28.9% bad bots. This study by Incapsula studied the characteristics of 16.7 billion visitors collected from August 2016 to November 2016."


Here's a website for more info: https://ppcprotect.com/how-many-of-the-internets-users-are-robots/


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UnboundWriter
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Logic defies that as said because if true all new posts would have the same result and that is not the case. But hey to each his own as is life.
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Dustin
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Why would all new posts have the same result?

Logic doesn't defy it... your capability to understand is the aggravating factor here. There are experts on the web, that do this for a living... yet you know more than they do because you're a moderator on Reddit.

You're right, it's all good, you stick to your fantasy and I'll continue living in the real world. Let's just do that.


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eldave1
Posted: August 12th, 2019, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from UnboundWriter
Logic defies that as said because if true all new posts would have the same result and that is not the case. But hey to each his own as is life.


No = they wouldn't.

Your title is Supreme Leader. A very common phrase for both good bots and bad bots to be interested in. Because -

It is a common phrase.

Iran's Supreme Leader is in the news on a minute by minute basis - bots are keying on that word/phrase.

There are many articles/web pages dedicated to  Supreme Leader Snokes - Star Wars.

etc.

So, many of the "hits" are in fact going to be search engine bots indexing your page.

Does the hit number mean anything anyway  - no, not really.  

Not trying to rain on your parade - it's just the way the net works. For example - I wrote a script - "In Search of Hysterical Jesus" - got 2500 hits in no time. A lot of that was because of the term Jesus (a common search term).

What I did get were about 40 comments and a dozen reads from the mates here on SS. That was extremely valuable. But...that's it. The 2500 hits does not mean 2500 people are even 500 people had an interest in my script.  Hits does not mean your script is blowing up. It only really mean something if you can monetize it and meet the standard of whatever platform (e.g., You Tube, etc.) requires in that regard. The term Supreme Leader has blown up because it is in the news and your are getting some indexing trafficking from that.





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Angry Bear
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Quoted from UnboundWriter
I've got the weirdest writer reality = this post has 83 hits in less than 24 hours and is banging it up but all I got is crickets other than the one comment on one typo.  


The hits on this thread are not = number of people who have read your script or even opened it for that matter. It is the number of people and bots who have checked this thread. The more people will argue, the more hits it will get because everyone wants to see what is going on.


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Colkurtz8
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Wow, where does one begin? Youíll have gotten a good flavour of how I felt about the script in my page by page notes.

I wonít dwell too much on the formatting issues. I flagged some instances and I see on the thread here that others have too. Iíll just say you need to go learn basic technical craft first. Thankfully, that is easy to do. There are plenty of resources out there to get you going. This site has lot of instructive material too.

In general your prose is ungainly and poorly written. Lots of telling, not a lot of showing, very passive and unwieldy. Again, some Googling will help there. Also, reading other scripts will be a big help so you see what they look like and how they should read.

Story-wise, as I noted, this needs a lot of work I feel. Firstly, in the development department, the fundamental nature of what story you are trying to tell. I would go back to the drawing board, start with an outline or a treatment. What is your script really about, thematically, establish your characters, your world, its backstory. How did we get to this moment in the future where seemingly any regular person can go about becoming a supreme leader?

That in itself is an interesting idea and probably increasingly the direction we are going in as a society where most of us interact with the world impersonally, through screens. Itís a thematically rich subject to mine...but again, as I noted, there is no set up here, there is no world building. We arenít given any footing in your world. We simply land in amongst these people who are trying to get their friend elected through a series of morally dubious, sometimes inadvertent methods.  Thatís fine, I get you are going for a satire of sorts of our image obsessed, superficial, transactional world but the execution is so muddled, half baked and poorly conceived. We donít even meet any of his candidates which again speaks to the myopic scope of the script. His competitors for position of supreme leader will provide some much needed conflict but we only vaguely hear about them in passing, never see them. They are never made real, a viable threat to Tellerís ambitions.

There is little to no forward momentum plot-wise as scenes get bogged down in repetitive, asinine back and forths between characters. Whether itís about smoking weed, receiving luxuriant gifts or saying over and over that Teller is getting really popular and has a load of interviews lined up because of his empty promises. None of this is particularly funny, insightful or interesting. It gets dull fast. Meaning, at the end of 30 pages, not a whole lot has really happened.

You need to add some dimension and colour to your main cast of characters as they all sound the same and pretty much back each other up so there is no tension there. As Iíve said, they are all as stupid as the next, not much growth gonna happen among this lot.

I appreciate that part of the humour is that these bunch of misfits are somehow succeeding in their exploits. Teller is going from strength to strength in popularity, theyíve literally raised millions and part of the fun is going along with it, suspending your disbelief but Iím afraid my suspenders snapped some time ago, itís just too silly, too over the top, its requiring me to leave far too much of my brain power at reception...and this is chiefly down to the execution of the concept rather than the concept itself.

I see you were mostly curious about how this worked purely on a comedic level. Youíll have seen from my notes that I got a couple of chuckles, not a lot, most of it was just childish. Other parts just left me scratching my head. I appreciate you were going for the outlandish and absurd but when there isnít some connective fabric grounding the piece as a whole, a lot of these sequences (I hesitate to call them subplots) feel like they happen sort of independent of each other, disconnected and ungrounded; the bums hanging around, the all to easily convinced wealthy attendees, the midget brawl. There is no rhyme or reason to why these things are happening, why people are acting this way. Itís just a bunch of crazy stuff going on. I feel you just expect us to go along with it, donít question it. After a while, the relentless bizarre and WTF antics just become tiring. As I noted, every comedy duo has a goofy character balanced by a straight character...your world is seriously (pun intended) lacking the latter.    

To reiterate, so Iím not sounding all negative, you have the seed of a interesting idea here. A broad satire of the circus of modern politics, the ďI scratch your back, you scratch mineĒ tactics, the empty promises, the sound-byte nature of self promotion, the superficiality of PR, the growing influence of social media, etc.  This is all great, timely material in the era of Trump and fake news.

Iíd be interested to know your intentions with this. What inspired you to write it? The closest thing I can think of is Pootie Tang. Where do you anticipate the laughs coming? The physical slapstick-y moments? The ďbanteringĒ between characters? Or the satiral elements in how Teller is becoming popular in spite of him and his troupeís incompetence and cluelessness? Without giving it away, what is your overarching vision for it in terms of story?

Col.


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Warren
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Quoted from Angry Bear


The more people will argue, the more hits it will get because everyone wants to see what is going on.


Agreed, I've been back several times just to read the comments.


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UnboundWriter
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In the world I live in this screen play is hilarious and I am far from alone on that decision about it. Sheesh even here not even one percent have chimed in their feelings on it and it's fate will be told in time.

I am thinking after looking at all yours that many may be upset by this script. More than a few were determined and upset by not knowing what Teller's politics are, but in that light you have missed the joke. As said it's not everyone's cup of tea and the minor techs were fixed but I am not changing it more conceptually or otherwise at this point. Thanks to those that were helpful and to the rest that this is driving you crazy for the wrong reasons, sorry that is your experience, definitely nothing I tried to do, this was all in fun and sorry I am still clicking my heels at the numbers. I will let you all know if anything comes from it all.

Lastly, thanks to all the readers, you all rock!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: August 13th, 2019, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from UnboundWriter
In the world I live in this screen play is hilarious and I am far from alone on that decision about it. Sheesh even here not even one percent have chimed in their feelings on it and it's fate will be told in time.


It's good you believe in your work. You need to have a healthy level of self assuredness before hoping others will get on board. I wouldn't get too carried away by the view numbers though. I quick perusal of the boards will show that many scripts have lots of views, often exponentially more than actual comments.

Again, if you want to encourage more people chiming in rather than just harvesting anonymous views, get involved in the site, contribute your own opinions on other's work. As of now, this script has more comments than what you've posted yourself here so I guess you can be thankful for that, it's rare. It's just a shame a lot of those comments are non script related...still, as the adage goes: "Bad press is better than no press"


Quoted from UnboundWriter
I am thinking after looking at all yours that many may be upset by this script. More than a few were determined and upset by not knowing what Teller's politics are, but in that light you have missed the joke. As said it's not everyone's cup of tea and the minor techs were fixed but I am not changing it more conceptually or otherwise at this point. Thanks to those that were helpful and to the rest that this is driving you crazy for the wrong reasons, sorry that is your experience, definitely nothing I tried to do, this was all in fun and sorry I am still clicking my heels at the numbers. I will let you all know if anything comes from it all.

Lastly, thanks to all the readers, you all rock!


Yeah, I never got too hung up on the specific politics, I reckon there is much more than "minor techs" present though but they are easily fixed. Incessant talk of formatting gives me headaches too.

I'm more curious about why you don't want to engage in a conversation about it, defend your work, explain some of the choices you made, articulate what you are trying to say. You are not obligated of course but your above statements suggests that people here only addressed frivolous, irrelevant technical or ideological things when actually a couple of people were genuinely curious about what you were aiming for when you wrote the script.

Anyway, best of luck with it.

Col.


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UnboundWriter
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Wanda



It's good you believe in your work. You need to have a healthy level of self assuredness before hoping others will get on board. I wouldn't get too carried away by the view numbers though. I quick perusal of the boards will show that many scripts have lots of views, often exponentially more than actual comments.

Again, if you want to encourage more people chiming in rather than just harvesting anonymous views, get involved in the site, contribute your own opinions on other's work. As of now, this script has more comments than what you've posted yourself here so I guess you can be thankful for that, it's rare. It's just a shame a lot of those comments are non script related...still, as the adage goes: "Bad press is better than no press"



Yeah, I never got too hung up on the specific politics, I reckon there is much more than "minor techs" present though but they are easily fixed. Incessant talk of formatting gives me headaches too.

I'm more curious about why you don't want to engage in a conversation about it, defend your work, explain some of the choices you made, articulate what you are trying to say. You are not obligated of course but your above statements suggests that people here only addressed frivolous, irrelevant technical or ideological things when actually a couple of people were genuinely curious about what you were aiming for when you wrote the script.

Anyway, best of luck with it.

Col.


Seriously? You missed it, I just think enough said here and as you said comments went another course that was even honestly bizarre. Plus, maybe you all don't know but if you "collaborate" with one or more writers too much and your script goes big, makes money, they could hit you up for a piece you never expected thereafter. So being safe instead of sorry should be part of every writer's thinking in collaborative offers. Cheers back!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: August 13th, 2019, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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I saw very little discussion about the actual script from your side outside of "comedy is subjective" (which we can all agree on) and the irony of Teller's continued success in spite of himself. However, yes, admittedly the thread did go off on a tangent with all the bot talk. Such is the nature of internet forums


Quoted from UnboundWriter
Plus, maybe you all don't know but if you "collaborate" with one or more writers too much and your script goes big, makes money, they could hit you up for a piece you never expected thereafter. So being safe instead of sorry should be part of every writer's thinking in collaborative offers.


Oh wait, hang on, allow me to clarify. When I said "others will get on board" I just meant that if you have confidence in your own stuff, work on your craft, hone it, others will believe in it too and support it. I didn't mean collaborate.

Apologies for the misunderstanding. I should've made myself clearer.

Col.



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Colkurtz8  -  August 13th, 2019, 6:42pm
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UnboundWriter
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Wanda

I saw very little discussion about the actual script from your side outside of "comedy is subjective" (which we can all agree on) and the irony of Teller's continued success in spite of himself. However, yes, admittedly the thread did go off on a tangent with all the bot talk. Such is the nature of internet forums



Oh wait, hang on, allow me to clarify. When I said "others will get on board" I just meant that if you have confidence in your own stuff, work on your craft, hone it, others will believe in it too and support it. I didn't mean collaborate.

Apologies for the misunderstanding. I should've made myself clearer.

Col.


K
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UnboundWriter
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As an update, I won for the best log line of the month out of 200 hundred pitches. They also offered me a super deal to get a scene performed. I can't wait to see it live.
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Warren
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Quoted from UnboundWriter
As an update, I won for the best log line of the month out of 200 hundred pitches. They also offered me a super deal to get a scene performed. I can't wait to see it live.



By "super deal" do you mean you are paying them to have a scene performed? As a winner it seems a bit odd that you would have to fork out cash.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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UnboundWriter
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No, they didn't ask me for any dough they let me know I won. They posted my log line as the winner on this site for the month too. They offered me a cut rate and it was extremely cut rate deal as the winner to get it performed live by actors and  get it recorded on video. The dough they asked for wouldn't even pay a single actor.
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Matthew Taylor
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out of interest, what website is it?


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eldave1
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor
out of interest, what website is it?


Scammingwriters.com


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Zack
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Quoted from eldave1


Scammingwriters.com


Sounds legit to me.


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UnboundWriter
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Well looks like I am looking forward to posting the video link when I get it in a few weeks from now.
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LC
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Looking forward to seeing it!  


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Thanks!
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UnboundWriter
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I just got the news that my script got performed last night at the Wild Sound Festival! They said I would get the video late next week and I can't wait to share it with you all! I am celebrating!
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UnboundWriter
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The video is up! The link is below so you can check it out.

https://youtu.be/RGD9uBA85fg
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