Gabriel,

Your format, as far as I could tell had no holes. And spelling mistakes, if any, are unnoticeable.

Your plot needs more of a grabber. You called this a horror, but the "horror" is just a bunch of people getting shot and a covnersation about a "dark one".

The premise in nice, party-thrower kills party-goer. But more build up would be needed. I'm sure, if this gets picked up, the direction would be very creepy. But at the moment, this is not a horror per-se.

6.8/10

I totally understand your point. Many people had the same problem. I am planning to make it a feature. Thanks for the read. I passed barely as always...lol.

Gabriel

Gab,

as promised I read your short. I loved it. Mysterious atmosphere with a good unexpected climax. You have a real talent.

****************SPOILERS*****************

first of all, to avoid weird questions about wines, replace it by champagne. It'd be more convenient when the Butler orders to refill drinks.

maybe it'd be stronger if the Butler was the only one to discreetly lock the doors (with caterers' amazement) At the end, even the caterers would be killed.

The surprise would be greater if Hirsh would styly arrive in the room wearing a large cloak hiding his gun. Then, BAM!!

People would try to escape by the windows but bars will trap them.

To accentuate the Butler's devilish side he could lick his finger spotted with blood. In fact, if I'm right, he's the main character who manipulates Hisrch.

To make people's death "acceptable", describe them with evident flaws (selfishness, pride, disdain, etc...)

One thing annoys at the end. I don't think that a lot of people would still come to Hirsh's parties if it happens too often. People would start to talk. Maybe Hirsch and the Butler would plan to move to nather city or country?

To make it into a feture, you could have someone who investigate about the Butler (who can do this for centuries), often changing of "employeer" and never getting old (that's a bunch of ideas presently crossing my mind)

Hope all this will help you.

Michel

Thanks Michel. I'm currently reading another work that I promised to read but once I'm done with that one, i'll read yours as promised. School is a killer. Anyway, I am very pleased that most people enjoyed this - just wait into the feature.

"first of all, to avoid weird questions about wines, replace it by champagne. It'd be more convenient when the Butler orders to refill drinks."

I am not an expert with wines. I actually looked it up off the internet. I added them only because I felt as they add an interesting charactization to the three characters introduced in the beginning.

"maybe it'd be stronger if the Butler was the only one to discreetly lock the doors (with caterers' amazement) At the end, even the caterers would be killed."

I really didn't emphasize much of the caterers involvement. In the feature it will be explained. All will be explained much more deeply.

The ideas mentioned are quite interesting. I will think about them.

"To make people's death "acceptable", describe them with evident flaws (selfishness, pride, disdain, etc...)"

The deaths are actually not to be meant as acceptable. I was going in that direction in making these individuals die as innocent bystanders.

"One thing annoys at the end. I don't think that a lot of people would still come to Hirsh's parties if it happens too often. People would start to talk. Maybe Hirsch and the Butler would plan to move to nather city or country?"

That's a good point people has brought which will be edited in the feature.

You've helped alot michel. Thanks.

Gabriel
  

Good read, Ripley, old chap.

I couldn't help but feel a little unfullfilled at the end, however.  It seems like there's a really interesting story here dying to be unleashed.

I do agree with many of the comments before, mainly MGJ's.  If you fix those, and maybe even expand on this story a bit, you're golden.

Thanks, Dresseme.  I am working on the feature of this script. nevertheless, after writing a good 30 pgs.,   I decided to take a break from that, and work on Closed In in order to resubmit it here with a whole bunch of additions and deductions that many reveiwers have commented on. Thanks for the comments and encouragement.

Gabriel

Not bad Gabe.  You are definitely improving with leaps and bounds in the writing department.

I only had a few notes for this one so I'm not going to bother to include them.  The biggest issues I had were with the Butler and his interactions.  

1. I don't think anyone would call out "Butler...Butler..."  They would have been introduced and would know the Butler's name.  And if they weren't then they would treat it more like trying to catch a waiters attention.  It seemed like the type of people invited to the party would not do this anyway.

2.  I think the Butler got a bit to informal with his speech at times.  True he might not have been a real Butler but I would imagine he is trained to act as one if he handles these events.  Saying things like "can do" and "you've been angels" is very un Butler like behaviour.

Some of the first few pieces of dialogue were a bit clunky.  I don't think some one would quite put it as  "How is that coming out?"

The ending sort of fizzled. I think it would be much better to explain through the reactive dialogue of Mr Hirsch rather than through the Butler's monologue.

Also, how the heck do they explain all those dead people.  At least one of the dead people must be missed and someone probably knows their last known whereabouts was the party.    

Hey mcornetto,

Thanks for reading this old work. I'm planning to make this a feature since I left alot of questions open especially the backstory and deaths of these people. So, I will explain this in the feature.

I didn't know about the Butler being called by a name. But, it does make some sense since he is also a main character. so I'll fix this simple problem and fix the dialgoue as well.  

thanks for looking and reviewing.
Gabe

Ya I thought it was pretty intersting man. Keep writing

Hey Guys,

First of all, thanks Don for posting the revision up. And espeically quickly.

Secondly, after 2 years, I decided to go back and rework this. What better time to do so. I added a couple of scenes that hopefully would move and add more to the story. And I changed a couple of things around. Nevertheless, some things still stayed the same for the short time such as the butler's name (oddly, no name popped out for me, so I kept it as butler in the short. But the feature, the butler will have a name.) I have taken into consideration alot of suggestions from here and some of my own fresh ideas. However, only a few got into the work presented before you while others I've not thrown out but still keep around for another rewrite of this short (its inevitable, lol) and for my work on the feature.

What I wanted to do with this short is make it stronger from before and make it gory since that seems to be the new fad, so I wanted try out my hand in that area. Hope people like the gore part. Also, wanted to point out some ways on how Mr. Hirsch and his men get away with it. I guess this short served as a test experiement for the feature. I already had an outline set and a couple of pages done of the script. But working on this short, I might have to go back and rewrite it again. lol.  

Hope you guys enjoy it,
Gabe  

  

Hi Gabe, I didn't read the original but just read this revised version now. I haven't read any of the other comments yet because I didn't want to be influenced by them

First off the build-up was brilliant. Had a real feel of upper-class dinner parties from the 20's-30's. I like the dialogue in the build up especially.

After Mr. Hirsch enters the scene though I'm completely lost. I can tell that there is a reason behind what's going on but I have no idea what it is. Why does the butler's eyes glow red? Ok, I have one idea of what might be going on - Hirsch is collecting souls for the devil or is the devil himself? ha that's my only clue.

I liked the way you described where everyone was when Hirsch was chasing them. Read clearly so well done with that because that could have been confusing.

I don't normally point out typos but a change is as good as a holiday as they say so here goes...

Page 3. "Mr. Hirsch's is one lucky..."

Page 4. "That's a lot of problems put upon on one man."

Page 6. "...apologies for the excruciating wait you've guys were put through."

Page 6. The butler turns to his direction - just didn't sound right to me but I may be wrong. I think 'turns in his direction' or 'turns to him' is clearer.

Page 7. they only staring forward.

Page 11. She comes to a intersection where is she blown backwards.

Page 11. "You'll be spent to prison..."

Page 14. "You're business is always..."

I'm very intrigued about what is going on here but my poor brain hurts trying to work it out. Enjoyed the read though.

Ste

Hey stebrown,

Thanks for the read.

Yeah...typos are a bitch. lol. But thanks for letting me know so I could rectify it.

I'm surprised you got it. Hopefully others do to. Yeah...Mr. Hirsch is collecting souls for the devil. This will be further explained in the feature.

The chase scene was my doubt lay since it was something I was trying new. Thankfully it turned out well.  

Thanks for the read,
Gabe

Hey.

Just read this and it was pretty cool. You are good at descriptive stuff, although I think some things should be left to the director. For example the bit where Mr Jacobs is calling the Butler, and the Butler is searching for him through the crowd.

I would have liked the character of Mr Hirsch to be a bit more developed before he goes on his shooting spree, although leaving him in mystery was a good technique (just another idea, another way of showing it)

Overall well done, and bring on the feature!

Hey Tommy,

Thanks for the read. I'm currently working on this feature now, and its moving along nicely.

I tend to dwell on specific visuals when writing. I'm trying to stop this, or turn it down a notch. Thanks for your interest in the feature and let me know when I can return the favor.    

How’s the writing coming?

So I gave this a read, and I enjoy how you set up your mood and tone. You’re a very descriptive writer who can set an image in your head and make sure your audience gets it.

The ending was a fall for me, personally, I’ve learned that being too enigmatic will turn people off. The story throughout had me guessing what would happen, but you’re good at that, keeping a suspense and apprehension alive.

Just I think the ending is a downfall, like different things don’t add up. Whats up with Mr. Hirsch?

What you nailed in description you lacked in theme.

I guess I’ll wait for the feature.

-Bryan.