RV

As usual you have me thinking.  My head hurts.  I think I got it.  Not too much to say... short and to the point.

Good stuff

Ghost

Quoted from rendevous JR, You're in London and you can't see the story? Okay, I want you to imagine you are an Asian lad with a bag on the tube. Being Irish and of a certain age I empathise with the bull they have to put up with. The script was a reaction to more warnings about possible terrorism. For each their own. A lot of people disagree. R x

I know what you're saying.  Being that I grew up in the bad parts, then coming to England only for a few people to openly say they did like me in the beginning just because of my accent and associating me with that scum the I.R.A.

Asians are the new Irish to me.  Getting mistreated just because of a few bad eggs.  And I work with quite a few asians and muslims and get to know how it really is here.

Then again, your script isn't a story to me but rather a very tiny scene.  Needs more to it to get the bigger picture.

JT

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal RV As usual you have me thinking.  My head hurts.  I think I got it.  Not too much to say... short and to the point. Good stuff Ghost

Thank you GW. I'd like to take a perverse pleasure in making your head hurt. But that would go against all that Peace & Love Lennon style stuff I rant on about. As me Uncle says "Life is very complicated".

I hope it hurts in a good way. Good to see you round here. You help me relax.

Tomorrow I read. And review. If you did one, I'll find it. Speak soon, fella.

R xo

Jr...

Quoted from Jayrex Then again, your script isn't a story to me but rather a very tiny scene.  Needs more to it to get the bigger picture.

This is true. But, as balt said often, few read full length screenplays here. Attention spans are real short these days. Hence the length of my SS scripts.

I also decided, after advice, why give it all away online?

The Sandwich, Take Care and Tomorrow all have interest. Once I see the money, honey, I'll belive they may become film. I've a lotta promises. But I want a Poclain 90 digging holes. Or a killer shooting a fat guy. Or a kid climbing over rubble.

Such are things. Thank your for the comments, J. Made me think.

R

I apologize if the following comment seems unnecessarily harsh, but everything positive I wish to say has already been mentioned multiple times on this page.

This one really didn't work for me.  I'm all for political commentary, but this just seemed preachy.  It seemed as though it would be shown as a government commercial or something, but then the dialogue is layered with swearing.  Again, I'm all for justified swearing, but this just seemed gratuitous.  I also thought that the 'headless chickens' description felt inappropriate, inserting comedy into a place where it wasn't needed.

I do applaud the use of Manchester as a setting.  It's a place far more films need to be set in.

This was well written. I liked Hugh's badass indiference in face of the threat. Interesting and funny as well.

A bit thin on plot you could say, and that's my only beef. But the theme is clear and springs naturally from the main character's attitude.

Well done.

huh? Luckily this was only 2 pages so I could read it more then once to see if I could get it.

Nope, no idea what the point of this was or if it even has one. Just seems so random.  

I read some of the other reviews and noticed they got it with good explanations to what your script was about. (race issues)

I cannot pinpoint exactly why I like this short script.

My thoughts on this are quite messy, but I shall try to make this coherent as possible.

I like it because the brevity works to its advantage and leaves things to the imagination/moral beliefs of the reader.

I find it like a snapshot of life, of the differences of the races. Hugh the everyman, Hugh the every race.

I like it because it does not hold the readers hand and walk them through what its supposed to mean. I sort of find it like poetry; open to interpretation.This would make a great art short.

Please excuse me if I have posted the wrong kind of feedback. I just discovered the world of screenwriting.

Evening all,

Quoted from kurisuborosen It seemed as though it would be shown as a government commercial or something, but then the dialogue is layered with swearing.  Again, I'm all for justified swearing, but this just seemed gratuitous.  I also thought that the 'headless chickens' description felt inappropriate, inserting comedy into a place where it wasn't needed. I do applaud the use of Manchester as a setting.  It's a place far more films need to be set in.

Glad you liked using Manchester. Russell T. Davies has been doing for a while. But not enough.

If you ever go to my side of Manc you'd see I played the swearing down. Some parts it's every other word, sometimes more.

Not sure you liked it all, for such a short script you seem to have found fault with virtually all of it apart from the location.

Thankfully, being Manchester Irish I have a thicker skin than most. And you ain't the new Pauline Kael.

But thanks for the read.

R ox

Quoted from Mr.Z This was well written. I liked Hugh's badass indiference in face of the threat. Interesting and funny as well. A bit thin on plot you could say, and that's my only beef. But the theme is clear and springs naturally from the main character's attitude. Well done.

The Z Man. A read from yerself is always an honour. Your beef is justified, but this was just meant to be yet another slow neews day where the govts try to worry the populace into worry.

Thanks for the comments. Very appreciated.

R xo

TT,

Not sure why you didn't get it. If it was on film it might be clearer. I think many previous posters have pointed out what they got.

It is about race issues. And race assumptions. Being Irish of a certain age in the UK I sympathise with Muslims and Muslim looking people. They get a harder time than they should, as we did way back when.

It's about a bit more than that though.

Quoted from BRBellerophon I cannot pinpoint exactly why I like this short script. My thoughts on this are quite messy, but I shall try to make this coherent as possible. I like it because the brevity works to its advantage and leaves things to the imagination/moral beliefs of the reader. I find it like a snapshot of life, of the differences of the races. Hugh the everyman, Hugh the every race. I like it because it does not hold the readers hand and walk them through what its supposed to mean. I sort of find it like poetry; open to interpretation.This would make a great art short. Please excuse me if I have posted the wrong kind of feedback. I just discovered the world of screenwriting.

No, RCE, you have posted exactly the right kind of feedback. Bang on, in fact.

Well, a little criticism about what's wrong with it might balance your kind words. However, in the world of reviewing my scripts the omission of error or critique is completely unnecessary...

Thanks for read and comments, lads.

R ox

Quoted from rendevous No, RCE, you have posted exactly the right kind of feedback. Bang on, in fact. Well, a little criticism about what's wrong with it might balance your kind words. However, in the world of reviewing my scripts the omission of error or critique is completely unnecessary... R ox

I didn't write any negative feedback because I don't see anything wrong with this script.
I would criticize its brevity, but then again it would only be because I feel that you haven't 'milked the cow dry'; this story would be interesting to develop further. But then again, if you lengthened that would defeat the purpose of this piece wouldn't it? Prolonging the script could result in the dilution of its meaning.

Maybe I'd say this was obscure, but that's the way normal people's lives are sometimes. Obscure. Plus, making the characters any more specific or developing them further would dilute its everyman value.  Elaborating on Hugh or developing further would not make him an everyman. More so the Asian dude.

I like this mainly because its not stupid. Its smart, yet not overwhelmingly so that you cannot grasp anything being said or done. (See 'The Box', a bad egg of Richard Kelly.) I'm sure though, if you filmed this and showed it to a group of random people half would leave enlightened and half would leave wondering what the hell it was all about. Can't please everyone, though.

RCE,

Alwaysb thought V for Vendetta was an underated film. Wachoski backlash I suspect.

Now then, this struck me...

Quoted from RCE showed it to a group of random people half would leave enlightened and half would leave wondering what the hell it was all about. Can't please everyone, though.

Exactly. And that's exactly what I intend to do.

T4 is being written. I'm watching the Dark Knight and Manhunter for inpiration.

Many thanks.

R ox

RW,

I was one of the few who quite liked Hannibal, but it ain't a patch on Manhunter. Er, Hugh is not gonna set fire to Phillip Hoffman in a wheelchair. He considered doing that to Matilda, but then she made him a nice cup of tea. He even got a biscuit so immolating her then seemed a bit strong.

Isn't RD the one with a blond Ed Norton. Ah yeah, it's not as good as the others but it's good. Far better than Hannibal Rising, which shoulda been great but didn't work.

Er, right. Back to the writing.

FADE IN:

EXT. NARROW COUNTRY ROAD, EIRE - DAY
Hugh and Matilda...

Oh shit, wrong window.

R ox

Never got to read anything of yours, I think. Decided to give this a shot.

Interesting. I find this visually appealing even though it's so short. I guess it could be done but I don't know...lol.

It had some good visuals.

Gabe