No problem guys, I like this title. One of those things I'm just going to disagree with. I think its catchy. Then again, I may be an idiot.

James

Quoted from Electric Dreamer It's kinda an unwritten rule in the service industry, women don't close alone. Especially in places where alcohol is served, there's always at least one guy. A simple insertion of "Jack's kid had to go to the hospital" or something would help.

I think its more likely for the owner to get drunk and ask her to close up alone. I've seen that numerous times while DJ'ing. I usually ended up stayin with her. There was a girl murdered while closing up alone in Northeast Ohio six months ago. I didn't model this after that, but it made me think. Plus, FBI has 20k reward for any info. They haven't a clue who it was.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I didn't buy Sarah's lack of intensity with the operator. I like the visual of the man on the pay phone and the lights on Sarah. She's a deer in headlights, literally, I think she'd say her life's in danger. He's a pervert that mutilates girls and he's after me! I have his smartphone! I also think Sarah waits to long too say she's called the police. That's typically the first thing a victim will say to deter an attacker. Yet here, your protag withholds that information for a page or two.

I heard the lack of intensity on the phone before. I see thats a problem. As far as her saying it to the man, I just figured her scared shitless until she grasped the situation. I enjoy how he calmly puts his accertiveness for her to sit down.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I think the back door text generates more suspense if we get it earlier. It's a nice bonding moment for the audience with your protag. Then the text serves a dual purpose of exposition and suspense.

Thats a good suggestion. I like that better...

Quoted from Electric Dreamer The big letdown for me was Sarah's rejected offer to be in a video. I didn't see it coming and I got excited by the prospect. Really excited. Instead, we got the inadequate police response. Had Sarah been smarter with the 911 operator, we wouldn't have that.

ha, sorry to get you excited, but thats one of my favorite parts. When all he wanted was the whore to write on a chalkboard and she refused? Love it.


Thanks for reading E.D. I look forward to more from you as well..

James

Quoted from jwent6688 No problem guys, I like this title. One of those things I'm just going to disagree with. I think its catchy. Then again, I may be an idiot.

My two cents:  I think the title comes off sounding like a comedy.  Would have never guessed horror.

Quoted from jwent6688 I think its more likely for the owner to get drunk and ask her to close up alone. I've seen that numerous times while DJ'ing. I usually ended up stayin with her. There was a girl murdered while closing up alone in Northeast Ohio six months ago. I didn't model this after that, but it made me think. Plus, FBI has 20k reward for any info. They haven't a clue who it was.

Yikes, terrible story.
But yeah, any excuse is better than nothing.
It tells me I'm in the hands of an author that isn't going to insult my intelligence.

Quoted from jwent6688 ha, sorry to get you excited, but thats one of my favorite parts. When all he wanted was the whore to write on a chalkboard and she refused? Love it.

No no, sorry, I wasn't very clear, I guess.
I meant when Sarah offered to make a video for the killer to save herself.
I thought" She's gonna somehow beat him at his own game, AWESOME!"
I was thinking, "How's James gonna write his way out of this one!"
Ditch the cop all together and make it a kinky bloody battle of wits.
Cops always ruin the magic, because they're cops.

Regards,
E.D.

Hmm, nice story here. I mean, you took me on a rollickin' ride and it was definitely suspenseful and I really wanted to read on. Seldom do horror 'shorts' on SS really grip me with 'edge of the seat stuff' like this did, so high praise on that.

But I have to agree with the substance of what's been said by previous posters. The story seems to suffer when the Cop gets there. I was sure he was going to have a 'look-see', see nothing, and then pop off, which would have ramped the tension up imo. It just fell a little flat with the cop's involvement imo, kind of degenerating into by the numbers 'horror schlock'.

I would have preferred you kept up the cat n mouse game for a bit and even left it open-ended. All JMO. I just think changing the end could make it even better and not so stereotypical horror.

Really good stuff though.  And, I don't have a prob. with the title - reminded me lil bit of 'A History of Violence'.

Thanks for the read LC,

I'm glad you liked it and you don't usually dig horror shorts. I'll take that as a compliment. Beginning to see a glaring problem with the cop. Gonna have to find away to work him out of the equation. Anywho, glad you found it suspenseful.

James

Hey James,

I liked parts of this.  Other parts had issues, IMO.  

I had to wonder if even the dumbest serial killer would put those photos on his cell.  

I liked the setting, simple but atmospheric.  Girl vs. killer.  The cop doesn't add much to the drama and I wonder if you could find a way to resolve the story without his interference.

On page 5, I'm not sure how a guy could talk on and then hang up a pay phone from the front seat of his car.

I didn't really understand the significance of the ending.  He says he's trying to help her.  But, help her with what exactly?  Would getting sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher really incapacitate the cop?  Also, the cop asks her "What did you do?"  But, he was right there the whole time, so it seems he wouldn't need to ask this.

I guess in the end, when she utters her final line of "I just lied,"  I failed to understand what she was feeling or what she had learned from all this.  The "Teaching" part of teaching with violence is what I didn't get.  Title ain't bad, though.  Reminds me of a nun teacher I had in fifth grade.  

So, I liked the concept here but it left me with too many questions.

Hey Ryan, thanks for the read...

Quoted from Ryan1 I had to wonder if even the dumbest serial killer would put those photos on his cell.

Again, he left it by accident. He came back to get it desparately. If that doesn't work for you, the entire story is null and void from that part.  

Quoted from Ryan1 I liked the setting, simple but atmospheric.  Girl vs. killer.  The cop doesn't add much to the drama and I wonder if you could find a way to resolve the story without his interference.

That seems to be the resounding theme here. I just thought the cop upped the antee a little. When he sets her on fire, I like watching the cop struggle with how to handle the situation

Quoted from Ryan1 On page 5, I'm not sure how a guy could talk on and then hang up a pay phone from the front seat of his car.

I've seen lots of payphones on polls at gas stations and such. Though, pay phones are becoming obselete, I've driven up to one and made a call on several occasions.

Quoted from Ryan1 I didn't really understand the significance of the ending.  He says he's trying to help her.  But, help her with what exactly?  Would getting sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher really incapacitate the cop?  Also, the cop asks her "What did you do?"  But, he was right there the whole time, so it seems he wouldn't need to ask this.

He was moreso teaching her that snooping and lieing can get someone in trouble. Again, maybe I could've made this more clear. Also, He never killed the whore, just taught her a lesson. This obviously needs to be expanded upon.

Its just a tension piece. I like it, but it needs work. Thanks again...

james

Hey James.  What's up?

This stretched way beyond the limits of believability for me.  Come on, really?  An Ohio cop getting there that fast?  Are you sure we live in the same state?

:-)

One word kept ringing through my head while I was reading:  'Suspenseful'  This story was very suspenseful and you built the tension up really well.

The story did kind of peter out at the end, but I can't exactly put my finger on why the ending wasn't as intense or as satisfying as the beginning and middle.  It might be the cop, I don't know.  I, myself, hate writing cops.  It sucks because you can't write a cop without the stereotypes.  A cop's job IS to be a stereotype.

I did like how the cop had to make a judgement call on what to do in that extreme situation, though, so I don't think losing him is the answer for a better ending.

Well, maybe.  Maybe you could have Sarah try to but not be able to call the police for some reason, then Emily comes back to check the back door again when Sarah doesn't reply to her text and Emily's the one put in that strange situation instead of the cop.

A lot of maybes here.  Sorry.  Just got my brain thinking and I don't do that too often, so good job getting my attention.

And speaking of getting my attention, I loved the title for this.  (Don't get too proud, though.  People have DESPISED some of my titles, so maybe I'm not that good a judge.)  But it really grabbed my attention.

Well, from what I've read of you, you definately have the gift to move comfortably from comedy to thriller and back.  Gotta admit, I'm jealous.  I can't write comedy worth shit.  I despise writing it.  Everything feels so fake and forced when I do it.  So good job and congratulations on that gift.

And good job on this story, in general.  Very solid story.

- Mark

Youngstown!

I missed that you read this. Thanks. Believe it or not some cops in the upper east suberbs actually do make it to a distress call that quick. I've seen many a bar fight in Mentor. I can't believe how fast they get there sometimes. Too soon IMO.

Yeah, This one is missing something. So far none of the suggestions I've got have lit up anything in my brain as far as where to take it. I was thinking about making this a trilogy, which wouldn't make this piece so incomplete and unsatisfying IMO.

The title is staying. I think it stands out more then the normal fair. I'm glad you liked it. My M.O. on these boards is being able to write good tension... to a story that usually ends with less flare then it started. I'm still working this one in my head. I've obviously got to change something.

James

James,

read this one just now. I think you did pretty good with it. It was quite tense for a while.

I think you can skip the whole bit in the beginning with Emily though. At least a big chunk of it. It sets something up that is self explanatory just a page or so later.

I truly enjoyed the Man being twisted and thought the fish hooks in the nostrils worked well. You had me there, but then you disappointed me with a let down pedestrian ending with the cop and all. I wanted something better. A cool twist or something really deep. Not something so television cliche that it was almost a surprise.

Other than that....GREAT job dude! You really had me for most of the story!

Pia  

Thanks Pia,

I'm really struggling as far as where to go with this one. I was hoping I would catch a suggestion or two from here to light a rewrite fire under my ass. So far, its mostly just been reocurring problems for the readers. Nobody seems to like the cop, I'm working with that.

The original was three pages longer and had a twist that far too conveniently fell into place. The "man" set this all up on purpose because Sarah was skimming tips from Emily every night. And Sarah was more of a bitch. I know I have a good premise here, it just falls flat in the end. I'm far from giving up on it. I think it could be a nice competition short if I can figure a better ending. Thanks for the read... This was how "So Pretty" started out for me. I'm just searching for that one good idea of how to end this better.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 I'm just searching for that one good idea of how to end this better. James

The answer is obvious...

What if at one point we see a newspaper on a table with a headline that reads, "Serial Killer Still At Large".  

As it turns out Emily is the serial killer.  She returns, kills the Madman, saves Sarah in a nick of time, then turns on her like a rabid dog.  Or better yet, lets her go as long as Sarah promises to keep her secret.  

Don't know if I have a better suggestion for an ending. I know if it was my story I'd try to make some twist where Sarah wins over the man. Right now she's just a helpless girl who's victimized and then saved by men...Give her some balls.  

Btw, an emplyee of ours is from Jamaica. One year on his birthday I made him a rum cake. I didn't know about Bacardi 151 so I followed the recipe and poured a pint over the cake when baked. We all got pretty tipsy...even the kids...   I'm an idiot!! lOL!