Hey James,

I certainly owed you a read my friend and this was top of the pile so why not jump in and tell you what I thought.

The writing is immaculate, lots and lots of white space and your choice of words is particularly good. It’s more of a learning experience for me reading this, really. There was only one grammatical mistake I noticed:

Page 2:  “Emily Walks to her car and unlocks her door” the “w” in walks doesn’t need to be capitalised.

The story is very tense, superbly set up with a mysterious antag who is very angry obviously.

The ending was very flat though, it never felt like a resolution to the story IMO.

Overall, this is a solid piece of work and I for one very much enjoyed it

Great work!

Steve

Hi James.
Good one. Intence and thrilling. I thought he is gonna kill or get killed. Anyway good job. On the top of page 9 you wrote he  rubs noses on the cell phone. Did you mean he rubs his nose on the cellphone?

Hope it helped.

Regards
Jahongir.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 -- You're right, it’s immaterial to the story and can be easily remedied which is why I just made a short, one line reference to it. I know bartenders who make that kind of money from time to time at the weekends so it’s not beyond impossible.

It's not a big sticking point, but others have mentioned it. Maybe my ex was giving blow jobs in the kitchen for $20 a pop. Wouldn't surprise me.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 However, you do say below that you envisaged the establishment as "a bar in small town Ohio" Would it do the kind of business that yields those sort of tips? I thought rust belt-ed Ohio still hadn't recovered from the heavy industry collapse.

Screw you Col. Cleveland's awesome. Just watch this and tell me you don't want to move here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysmLA5TqbIY

James

Quoted from CoopBazinga The ending was very flat though, it never felt like a resolution to the story IMO. Overall, this is a solid piece of work and I for one very much enjoyed it Great work! Steve

Thanks for the read, Steve. Others agree that the ending lets this script down. It was a premise that, once it popped into my head, I sat down and wrote the whole thing. If I find a way to keep the level of tension all the way through til the end, this would make a nice little competition piece IMO. Thanks again.

James

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom On the top of page 9 you wrote he  rubs noses on the cell phone. Did you mean he rubs his nose on the cellphone?

Good point. It should read that he rubs his nose against the cell screen. Nobody else pointed that out. Thanks for the read, glad you liked it...

James

James, I thought I owed you a read so here's what I made of this.

Well...I really enjoyed it. I thought you built the tension well and the 'Man' was very dark and mysterious.  I wont rabbit on about everything as you've had plenty of reviews already so I'll just say this was well written and enjoyable.

My only niggle is with the end.  I felt it was a bit sudden and I was a bit disappointed. Did he do all that just because she lied?

Good work.

Thanks for the read, Alffy.

It's painfully obvious to me that the end of this script does not pay tribute to the beginning. Everyone feels the tension early, but despise its conclusion. I should rewrite this, but haven't. Always hoped I'd hear from a film maker on this and then I would. So far... Nadda.

Quoted from alffy Did he do all that just because she lied.

No. She was just an innocent bystander who got caught up in this because he left his cell. He needed it back. That was a sticking point for a few. Makes him look daft for doing so. I can see that.

This was an experiment of diving into the mind of a mad man for me. He believes he's doing the world some good. It's not in the script, but he didn't even kill the girl in the pictures, just taught her a lesson in his mind...

Glad you liked it. I let my mom read this. She hasn't looked at me the same since. Lol.

James

The more I thought about it the more I thought, why didn't he kill them both? He came across as a menacing character with a lot of dark secrets but he leaves behind two witnesses, one a cop.  Maybe I'm just twisted but I'd have liked him to finish the job and bump them off lol.

Quoted from alffy The more I thought about it the more I thought, why didn't he kill them both? He came across as a menacing character with a lot of dark secrets but he leaves behind two witnesses, one a cop.  Maybe I'm just twisted but I'd have liked him to finish the job and bump them off lol.

Quite right. I, on the otherhand, envisioned this bad man in a trilogy of shorts. I didn't want you to hate on him so. Everyone cheers for Freddie, Jason, Michael fucking Meyers! This guy doesn't kill. He just teaches lessons according to him...

I hoped I made Sarah a likeable character for the short time I had. I did not want her to die. She barely even got hurt. But, had the scare of a lifetime. That's what I was aiming for. I probably won't ever revisit the "Man" character. But, I like the open ending of this...

Maybe you'll see him again sooner than you think....

James

Excellent story.  I'd like to read the rest of the trilogy.  if you haven't written it yet, you should, IMO.

Quoted from M.Alexander Excellent story.  I'd like to read the rest of the trilogy.  if you haven't written it yet, you should, IMO.

Thanks M. I haven't written it, unfortunately. But if I ever do I will let you know.

James

Hey James - Loved the script. Awesome job. Very intense. I'm mad though, you left me wanting more. Hurry up and write some more. Best of luck on future scripts - Dirk

Hey James,

The dramatic situation for the girl is good, really threalling. She is alone and no one can help her right now, when the maniac is behind a thin glass door.

But, IMO, the idea of the story is not clear. Is it: "Lie leads to trouble"? I believe, lying is the only right way to be saved in such a situation. The girl shouldn't be teached...

It could be a real lesson for the girl if she has always cheated, incorrectly calculated values in the bills, hided a part of money from Emily and thought that lying was a normal condition of dolce vita. Then this incident could be usefull for her. An arc of the character appears.

The storyline of the girl's boy-friend isn't finished. IMO, it should have a 3-rd act.

Yet I think this script has a good potential. And I wish you to find a producer to film this story.


Best regards,
Julia.

Dirk, Julia...

Thanks for reading. I always did plan to tweak the ending of this a bit. Was talking to a film maker for who was interested in it, but they fell off the map. I don't plan to rework it unless someone comes along wanting to put it on film...

James

Quoted from jwent6688 I don't plan to rework it unless someone comes along wanting to put it on film... James

I would quite happily film this if I had the experience and money to do so, but alas, I don't :/...

Hey James,

As you can probably already tell, I really liked this one. You build some great tension with the "BANG! BANG! BANG!" and from then it just gets more intense. Heart was really racing in this one. You have an incredibly visual way of storytelling, which I admire.

I understand you don't intend on reworking this one, but hell, I've already written my notes, so you're getting them anyway

I feel that you could spend a little more time describing your main character. We get an age and after that you leave us in the dark in terms of her actual appearance. But, having said that, you leave it open for imagination as well.

I've already mentioned the excellent way in which you build the tension in this one, but I couldn't help notice a moment where you can capitalize on that. By simply not showing us that Rick is in the building, you could have made his entrance a little more surprising. I don't know about others, but for me, knowing that Rick was in the building deducted from the excitement a bit.

Really great work on this one. You have a well-developed writing style and way of storytelling.

Good Luck!

Daniel