Thanks for the sugestion Screen. That over complicates the plot IMO. Several have suggested they want to see Sarah work her own way out of this. That's where I'm heading. It all comes down to that video.

Quoted from Me Btw, an emplyee of ours is from Jamaica. One year on his birthday I made him a rum cake. I didn't know about Bacardi 151 so I followed the recipe and poured a pint over the cake when baked. We all got pretty tipsy...even the kids...   I'm an idiot!! lOL!

Thats one flammable cake. Can't believe it didn't go up when you lit the candles. Meh, I'm sure the kids had fun... and went to bed early.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Thanks for the suggestion Screen. That over complicates the plot IMO. Several have suggested they want to see Sarah work her own way out of this. That's where I'm heading. It all comes down to that video.

I don't think so.  >

I'll be curious to read the rewrite, though.

All the best

Quoted from Grandma Bear Right now she's just a helpless girl who's victimized and then saved by men...Give her some balls.

Yeah! This is one of those rare 'shorts' with real plot build up and suspense. Have her turn the tables on the creep. I'm really looking forward to the next draft.

Meh, the women have spoken. Now, to find an ingenious way for Sarah to get out of her predicament. E.D. touched on it before. It all has to come down to that moment of pause he has when she says she'll make his video.

Screen, I am no way tossing your suggestions aside. Though, I don't even reveal motive for the "man". Having Emily be a killer also without motive is just ridiculous IMO. Its a short. A tension piece.

Gonna work hard here and see if I can't make the women of SS sit back and smoke a cigarette after Sarah weeds her way to victory. Sarah's gonna get some balls... Brass ones...

James

Hi - I liked this - read some of the feedback, not all of it - tension good to start but lack a little in the middle. I agree the cop is a bit of a problem as it just looks like res dogs - it may be possible to introduce him earlier (checking the bar or drinking). I wasn't too sure about what lesson had been learnt - it was fairly clear that she had done nothing wrong, so it's a little unjustifiable (unless you get her to do something wrong earlier) - I think you have to make the man either hinged or unhinged - he sounds too normal toward the end - in Saw there is a perverse logic, while here there just appears to be a change of mood with the man...

Good script, probably my favorite script that you wrote. I'm looking forward to the next draft.

Thanks for the read Sic,

I'm glad you felt the tension. Unfortunately, at one point in a horror it has to stop and the story has to develop. Many aren't pleased with the way i did it. Not really pleased myself after the feedback.

Quoted from Forgive I wasn't too sure about what lesson had been learnt - it was fairly clear that she had done nothing wrong, so it's a little unjustifiable (unless you get her to do something wrong earlier) - I think you have to make the man either hinged or unhinged - he sounds too normal toward the end - in Saw there is a perverse logic, while here there just appears to be a change of mood with the man...

I may use this guy again, His motives were not as heavy as they were in for jigsaw. He tries to teach people who only commit small sins, not moral sins like the people in SAW. Plus, he's not really a killer. He didn't kill the college student or Sarah and genuinely felt bad about shooting the cop.

Anywho, thanks for the feeback....

Quoted from Crookedowl Good script, probably my favorite script that you wrote. I'm looking forward to the next draft.

Thanks for the read crooked, glad you liked it. Its got potential, just needs a better ending and I may send this off to a competition or two. Looking forward to some of your writing. Make sure you post your username along with the script so I find it...

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Looking forward to some of your writing. Make sure you post your username along with the script so I find it...

I posted a short script a few days ago, and I'm waiting for it to come up on this site.

The tension whenever she looks at the picture and he's banging at the door is palpable. Although it kind of peters out after he calls her from the pay phone. I did enjoy your script over all, very solid writing style you have.

There are just a few questions that stick out in my mind such as:

Why would she answer the guys phone?
I wonder if the boyfriend ever shows up? he says he's on his way then we never hear from him again.
Why is she rummaging through his pictures in the first place?

The theme of teaching her a lesson for lying I thought was very creative. And I thought the guys dialogue at the end was perfect psychopathic jibber-jabber. Good stuff, keep up the good work, mate.

Quoted from tonybe78 Why would she answer the guys phone?

Why do people go investigate strange noises in the dark when there's a killer on the loose? Because it makes good film.

Quoted from tonybe78 I wonder if the boyfriend ever shows up? he says he's on his way then we never hear from him again.

He was supposed to pick her up after her shift. He just passed out. In the first draft I had the Man set this all up. He ruffied her boyfriend so he would be late.

Quoted from tonybe78 Why is she rummaging through his pictures in the first place?

I see this happening in real life. If you're dumb, drunk enough to leave your phone behind, you'd be surprised how easily people would toss about their morals and invade anothers privacy for fun. Or, she was being nice and trying to figure out which customer it was. I am rewriting it so it is a customer she knows. The one who left her the fifty dollar tip.

Thanks for the read, I'm glade you liked it. As I do with alot of my shorts, I may not re-post this unless I think its contest worthy or a filmaker hits me about it.

James

Hey James,

I always enjoy your stuff, so I just gave this one a read and figured I would toss in my two cents, not that you need it.  Anyway, like everyone else, I enjoyed this and breezed through it.  I’m in the process of reading rhrough the comments, so I apologize if anything I post is repetitive.

I see that Dressel referenced Jigsaw in his comment.  For me, it was more Kevin Spacey from “Se7en” which I thought was a totally terrific character.  At some point later in the read you mentioned a slight tilt of the head before he dropped the match, and that was what came into my mind.  In any event, I thought it was a terrific read, and I kind of feel like you might be able to expand on “The Man” a bit.  I’d like to read more about his “lessons”.

Below are a couple of real-time notes I took as reading:

So far, I’m enjoying the back and forth between Emily and Sarah.  Reads nice and easy.

P. 2

You have – “Emily Walks o her car…”

You capped “Walks”

P. 3

Ha – well, you’ve kicked it up a notch with this series of pictures!

P. 3

Nice job with the guy looking for his phone.  Is it his?  I’m guessing no, but let’s see.  Def a nice touch though.

P. 4

Question – if Sarah’s pot head BF won’t pick up, then why not just call the cops, or at the very least, another firend.  Nitpicking, I know, but it just popped into my head.

P. 5

“You lied to me.”

Ha, guess I was wrong!  And you cleared up Sarah calling the cops for me.  Than you, Sir.

P. 6

“About time asshole”

I know she would be really stressed out, but I think you would be better off without the dialouge here.  Especially considering that Sarah just heard some rustling in the kitchen.  More likely than not, I feel like she woul just ignore the text, or at the very least check it without actually saying anything.  Again, nitpick though.

P. 9

“An old school baptism.”

Ruh-roh.

Okay, so I kind of flew through the last few pages, cause’ I got really caught up in the story.  Nice job, dude.  Really enjoyed this one.  As I said, I wouldn’t mind seeing a little more form this guy.  I think you have enough here to differentiate him from some other characters that we have seen in recent years, but not sure what your plans are for it.  

Just read through about half of the comments: I also really dug the whole image of the pros writing on the chalkboard.  Creepy and weird, but it fit.

Also, you sure Jim Tressel ain’t “The Man”?  Seem to fit the profile!

Haha, thanks for the read and best of luck.

Craig

P.S.  Just read a few more comments, and I see where you were asking for different endings.  What if, Sarah out creeped The Man.  Meaning, what if she was a bergouning (sp.) serial in her own right and she somehow talked her way out of it only to take him down.  Once the cop arrives, she goes all doe eyed and plays it off.  Anyway, just a thought.

Quoted from Craiger6 I see that Dressel referenced Jigsaw in his comment.  For me, it was more Kevin Spacey from “Se7en” which I thought was a totally terrific character.  At some point later in the read you mentioned a slight tilt of the head before he dropped the match, and that was what came into my mind.  In any event, I thought it was a terrific read, and I kind of feel like you might be able to expand on “The Man” a bit.  I’d like to read more about his “lessons”.

Is some of what I'm struggling with. I like this character, I want him to win eventhough the cop and Sarah really didn't do anything wrong. I just like cheering for the bad guy sometimes. I loved Se7en, and essentially, Kevin Spacey did win.

Quoted from Craiger6 “About time asshole”

I was thinking of removing that. I want people to like Sarah because, at least to me, it adds to the tension when you feel for your characters.

Quoted from Craiger6 Also, you sure Jim Tressel ain’t “The Man”?  Seem to fit the profile!

Ha ha, thanks for that. Here in Ohio we're all grief stricken with the sweater vest gone bad.

I've received a couple of emails about this recently, So I'm hilding off on a rewrite until I hopefully hear back from one of the film makers. I would probably wait and rewrite it per their limitations, but who knows if I'll ever hear back from them.

Thanks again for the read....

James

James

Great opening to this, I loved the premise of finding a phone with all these graphic pictures just as you are closing up on your own in the dead of night. Fantastic tension is created straight away and heightened once realising the proprietor has come back to collect it. I was instantly engaged in the script.

See about replacing “and” with commas in the prose, adds a greater fluidity to the read in my opinion.

I think your writing in general, while being relatively clean and direct feels a bit staccato and stuttered. Too many full stops instead of commas which I think help sentences to blend into one another more seamlessly. For example:

“Sarah finishes. Places the money into two neat stacks. She grabs another handful”
Could be written as:

“Sarah finishes, places the money into two neat stacks, grabs another handful”

or

“She navigates through the menu until she finds the picture gallery. She opens it.”

I always try to avoid repeating the pronoun in same block of description. Sometimes it can’t be helped when describing a number of actions close together but in this case I think it would read better as:

“She navigates through the menu until she finds the picture gallery, opens it.”

Simple but effective.

or

“The man stares at her for a moment. He watches as the matches burn close to his fingertips. He waves them out”

Could be written as:

“The man stares at her for a moment. He watches as the matches burn close to his fingertips, waves them out”

Maybe this is a conscious decision on your part to break up the sentences like that, fair enough. I just find it disrupted the rhythm at times.

Wow, 620 in tips in one night, this place must be doing incredible business!

I would insert some reactions from Sarah as she flicks through the increasingly disturbing photos. Obviously she’s gonna be freaked out but you never indicate this in the action lines. Also, she seems very relaxed when the man bangs again on the door considering what she has just seen on the phone. I would’ve hit the roof, feared the worst i.e. that this person had come back for they’re phone. Instead, as Sarah walks to the door to tell him they’re closed, she actually “sighs”. This came across as being much too lax, didn’t ring true.

If you are going to call the antagonist “Man” for the entire script, which is perfectly fine in my books, you should capitalise it in the prose since its acting as the character’s name.

Did Rick really need Gretchen to “Send everyone here now!”

Unfortunately, despite the promising intro I didn’t think the rest quite it lived up to it. The story took a more formulaic, familiar route which left me disappointed and cursing a missed opportunity. The whole teaching lessons through violence (I know the title said it all so I don’t know what I was expecting) has been done to death especially since the Saw franchise and frankly I’m over it. There was nothing new or unexpected here, just some nutcase thinking he go around hurting people in the name of enlightenment, bestowing his victims with a greater appreciation for life by bringing them closer to death, etc.

Even with this twisted logic, his reasons for putting Sarah through the ringer were even more arbitrary, just because he lied to her? It felt too scant and incidental, there wasn’t enough of a motivation, then again he’s obviously crazy so trying to find reasoning in his actions is wishful thinking at best.

Anyway, I like the premise you got here, James, lots of potential, just a shame the rest didn’t excite me as much.

Col.

Col., Thanks for the read. Your comments come as no surprise to me. Everyone else shared similar thoughts to this. The ending did not live up to the beginning. This is one I should rewrite, but haven't touched a bit. There's been no interest and, frankly, had enough film makers turn my shorts into cringe-worthy film that it just doesn't appeal to me to write shorts any more (Outside of some fun competition)

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I think your writing in general, while being relatively clean and direct feels a bit staccato and stuttered. Too many full stops instead of commas which I think help sentences to blend into one another more seamlessly.

You're not the first to question my style of writing for this. Of late, I'm trying to get away from it, but still find myself doing this at times. It's very inconsistent to say the least.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Wow, 620 in tips in one night, this place must be doing incredible business!

Surprised how many people can't believe this. It's a moot point really that I could easily fix by simply changing some numbers, but I dated a bartender that worked at a small, respectable pub. She broke 300 on a Saturday here and there. During the week she would often come home early with less than 50 in her pocket. I did want it to seem like a killer night, because it prompted Emily to leave without waiting for Sarah's ride. Again, should just be toned down to avoid question.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I would insert some reactions from Sarah as she flicks through the increasingly disturbing photos. Obviously she’s gonna be freaked out but you never indicate this in the action lines. Also, she seems very relaxed when the man bangs again on the door considering what she has just seen on the phone. I would’ve hit the roof, feared the worst i.e. that this person had come back for they’re phone. Instead, as Sarah walks to the door to tell him they’re closed, she actually “sighs”. This came across as being much too lax, didn’t ring true.

Thought I gave her a pretty good reaction when the man bangs on the door. She drops the phone, jumps back, and grabs her chest. Also, I didn't think that breaking out of the SERIES OF PICTURES montage to show Sarah's reactions would serve the script much better. I feel those are one of the things the film maker has the choice on.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Did Rick really need Gretchen to “Send everyone here now!”

Pictured this at a bar in small town Ohio that I frequent. If a cop gets shot here, bet your ass their going to send everyone.

Again, the ending? I know it should be better. I wrote this pretty quickly after the premise popped into my head. Not working on any shorts outsied of an OWC til I finish a feature. Made a promise to myself. If I can't write a feature, best go do something else. Huge thanks for the intuitive review Col.

James

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Surprised how many people can't believe this. It's a moot point really that I could easily fix by simply changing some numbers, but I dated a bartender that worked at a small, respectable pub. She broke 300 on a Saturday here and there. During the week she would often come home early with less than 50 in her pocket. I did want it to seem like a killer night, because it prompted Emily to leave without waiting for Sarah's ride. Again, should just be toned down to avoid question.

-- You're right, it’s immaterial to the story and can be easily remedied which is why I just made a short, one line reference to it. I know bartenders who make that kind of money from time to time at the weekends so it’s not beyond impossible.

However, you do say below that you envisaged the establishment as "a bar in small town Ohio" Would it do the kind of business that yields those sort of tips? I thought rust belt-ed Ohio still hadn't recovered from the heavy industry collapse.

I do appreciate how you were thinking laterally in terms of giving Emily reason to be tired so she would want to head home early thus creating the situation. It's more important that your mind is working in that way than merely overshooting a figure.

Quoted from jwent6688 Thought I gave her a pretty good reaction when the man bangs on the door. She drops the phone, jumps back, and grabs her chest. Also, I didn't think that breaking out of the SERIES OF PICTURES montage to show Sarah's reactions would serve the script much better. I feel those are one of the things the film maker has the choice on.

-- It was the expression "sighs" that I mainly had a problem with. It just sounded too calm given the context.