Not much I can add that hasn't already been said: this script is solid. Maybe some dialogue could be condensed a little at the start so we get into the meat a little quicker, although the dialogue intros the setting and characters nicely for me you could do it more smoothly with some judicious editing/rewriting (for clarity: judicious as in 'well chosen', not 'lots of'). The girls could have the same conversation in about half the lines if you worked it hard there.

One or two of the lines the 'man' comes out with are possibly verging on the gratuitously misogynistic, and his attitude is difficult to reconcile with the fact he 'gets away with it' - the story lacks a certain moral unity although I can also see how it could be done deliberately as a sort of 'im-morality tale'.

And lastly why didn't the cop just shoot him? I woulda, no messin'.

But I am seriously picking at not much at all. I enjoyed the story, the tension, the characters. I also liked the final pay-off line, the ambiguity of her reaction.

Uber. (Writing this in public library and a nutter has just started being a nutter right next to me so apologies for abbreviated ending!)

Quoted from jwent6688 I don't plan to rework it unless someone comes along wanting to put it on film.

I see. Maybe you're right. Every producer has his/her own vision about how it should be.

James, sorry, why did you say: "Dirk"? I can't catch the meaning cause English is not my native.
Dirk is a kind of cold arms... Hope, I didn't kill you whith the comment

Quoted from Bo I see. Maybe you're right. Every producer has his/her own vision about how it should be. James, sorry, why did you say: "Dirk"? I can't catch the meaning cause English is not my native. Dirk is a kind of cold arms... Hope, I didn't kill you whith the comment

No. Not at all. Dirk was just the person who commented before you. I was thanking him as well.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 No. Not at all. Dirk was just the person who commented before you. I was thanking him as well. James

Oh... Dirk, I'm sorry. Didn't see.

Quoted from danbotha I've already mentioned the excellent way in which you build the tension in this one, but I couldn't help notice a moment where you can capitalize on that. By simply not showing us that Rick is in the building, you could have made his entrance a little more surprising. I don't know about others, but for me, knowing that Rick was in the building deducted from the excitement a bit. Daniel

Daniel,

Thanks for reading. To be honest, most readers wanted the cop removed entirely. They wanted Sarah to find her own way out. That's probably the way It would go if it were rewritten. I didn't want to describe the Man. He didn't want Sarah to be able to recognize him, so i really gave him no description. The hat shadowed his eyes.

James

Quoted from marriot The girls could have the same conversation in about half the lines if you worked it hard there.

Thanks for the read. I agree here, but it is extremely unorthodox for anyone to close a bar alone so I wanted to set it up a little.

Quoted from marriot - the story lacks a certain moral unity although I can also see how it could be done deliberately as a sort of 'im-morality tale'.

Yes, The man believes he a righteous in all things. Sort of a holier than thou type character. When in fact, everything he does is completely immoral.

Quoted from marriot And lastly why didn't the cop just shoot him? I woulda, no messin'.

Rick, the cop, didn't see that the man had a gun tucked in the back of his pants. He just saw a girl get lit on fire. You may be right, but I thought that was good in putting a cop into a situation he probably wasn't trained for.

Thanks again...

If I can return a read to either of you two, just PM me. Be happy to.

James

As noted before, this is a nicely written script. It has the atmosphere and tension of a horror/thriller--it is a page turner. The story, however, has a couple of "eye rolling" moments in it that ultimately make it an unsatisfying read.


Warning: Contains Spoilers:

The "eye rolling" moments in this story: 1) not mentioning to the 911 operator that she found a phone with snuff photos on it and the owner is now outside the bar demanding the return of his phone 2) answering the weirdo's phone after seeing the photos 3) the back door conveniently being left unlocked.


Finally, this line really bothered me:
Rick: What did you do to him?
It felt like the cop was blaming the victim. As far as this story reads, Sarah did nothing to deserve what happened to her. It seems like you want us to identify with the psychopath.

Best regards
rmaze

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/OperationRogue.pdf
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/ACOWBOYSBURDEN333.pdf

Rmaze,

Thanks for the read. I can see some of your points here. Some have been brought up before, but I don't think they would come off as "eye-rolling" to most if they were watching this on screen.

Quoted from rmaze The "eye rolling" moments in this story: 1) not mentioning to the 911 operator that she found a phone with snuff photos on it and the owner is now outside the bar demanding the return of his phone 2) answering the weirdo's phone after seeing the photos 3) the back door conveniently being left unlocked.

1) Can see your point, I also think 911 operators try to calm hysterical people, control the conversation and ask the pertinent questions.. "Are you in danger?"

2) Nobody else really had a problem with this. I sure don't. I believe they could definitely sell that on screen. It's ringing, she's alone, she puts it to her ear. Big mistake.

3)That is a bit convenient, but necessary. It's horror, you've got to forgive an "eye-roll" here and there...

As far as the last line, I figured Rick might ask something like this after the psychopath proclaims he was there to teach her a lesson. Certainly wasn't putting blame on her. She did nothing wrong, it was just a way to show how twisted this guy really was.

Again, thanks for the read.

James

This has been optioned, but they've got a long way to go with their funding yet. They've started a fundraiser page...

http://www.indiegogo.com/twvfilm

I feel the least I can do is post it everywhere I can think of. The short film, Michael, on their page is impressively done. Love to see it happen!

James