Revived script is up, it's about time. But hey thanks. And I have made more corrections and editions to it again.

Btw, David's friend is dying. I have the feeling for my own character. But she need to die to make the story better. And I already have a scene for her to reborn. I'm on the minute 45 of the full script. This should be done sometime next week so I can move to the next story.

Ps, I need more feedbacks on this revival script they just reupload. Thanks, peeps.

Hi James - not too sure what's happened here - this is quite different to the previous script - I liked the introduction to the other script, and felt it just needed re-working - this introduction is a shift-different - and it seems to come with its own set of problems:

At the front of a house fills with birthday’s decoration, few
children play on the green grass running and screaming while
others sit and stand quietly playing by the swing.
----------
A young boy, DAVID, 9, sits on a swing and two other young
boy and young girl stand on both side of the swing swinging
him and talking.
----------

These two paragraphs are your openers, but they've both got lots of grammar issues.

Do you proof-read before you post?

Did get me wondering as to how old you are ... if you don't mind me asking?

I've been concentrated on the full version of it. I don't want to miss a scene when it pops in my mind. When I turn here and there, it kind of confuses me a bit because I want it to be done quick so I can turn back to the full version. Here it is, down there. If there's still an issue, please do tell. Thanks.

A few children play on the grass in front of a house running and screaming, others sit and stand quietly by the swing.

DAVID, 9, sits on a swing with two of his friends; a boy and a girl stand both side of the swing.

I know there are more issue but is it better than the first one?

--David walks back and sits next to Michael.

Seconds later...

DAVID
She wasn’t just your girlfriend.
She’s our friend too. We all love
her. Nobody wants to lose anybody.

     Michael sobs, quietly.

A deleted scene from the full version. After one of David's friend was killed by her author lolz... by a car, I mean.

Quoted from JR A few children play on the grass in front of a house running and screaming, others sit and stand quietly by the swing. DAVID, 9, sits on a swing with two of his friends; a boy and a girl stand both side of the swing. I know there are more issue but is it better than the first one?

In a word ... Yes.

Would these below work too?

In front of a house enhances with birthday decorations, a few children play on the grass and others sit and stand by the swing.

DAVID, 9, sits on a swing with two of his friends; a boy and a girl stand both side of the swing.

So, you only read the two paragraphs and stopped? Can you please finish the whole thing and post all errors at once? I mean, you know; by all means.

I'm about to finish the full version and there's going to be more "aplenty" in it. By more, I mean a lot more.

The below are the collections scenes from the full version of this script. Can you please read and toss me a quick answer if there's an error in it or what/where that need to be corrected or what difference should they be to make them look and sound better?

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

David and Sarah stand on a sidewalk facing each other, arguing.

Sarah turns around and walks away, David looks confused and shrugs a gesture with both of his hands.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

Michael sits on a chair by the counter in a bar. He turns and looks around seeing a few couples stand talking and laughing. He turns back and starts to sob, quietly.

A man walks close to Michael, puts his hand on Michael and asks...

MAN
Hey, are you ok?

Michael turns to look at him and pushes his hand away; he drops down from the chair and pushes the man with both hands. Everybody in the bar turns to looks at the two.

Michael walks closer to the man and pushes him again, the man gestures with both hands. Michael walks to him again but people rush in to stop Michael.

EXT. BAR – NIGHT

Two men brace Michael and carry him out of the bar. They push him away, Michael falls on the floor, sobbing.

INT. DAVID’S APARTMENT – DAY

April and Samantha inside David’s bedroom; both kneel on David’s bed playing pillows fight and laughing.

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

David walks on a sidewalk tries to call Sarah but no answer.

INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN – DAY

David takes a break from cooking; he calls Sarah, still no answer.

EXT. OUTSIDE SARAH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

David stands in front of the door of Sarah’s apartment; he keeps knocking on the door but nobody answers.

He turns and walks away a few steps, look back at the door then turns and walks away.

Thanks.

Quoted from JR Would these below work too?

In front of a house enhances with birthday decorations, a few children play on the grass and others sit and stand by the swing.
No.
Enhances should be enhanced.
a few children -- just 'children'
a few children play on the grass and others sit and stand by the swing.
children play on the grass - others sit or stand by the swing.

DAVID, 9, sits on a swing with two of his friends; a boy and a girl stand both side of the swing.
DAVID, 9, sits on a swing - two friends - a boy and a girl either side.

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

David and Sarah face each other - arguing.

Sarah walks away.

David, confused, shrugs.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

Michael sits by the counter.

He looks around - sees couples talking, laughing.

He turns back - sobs, quietly.

A man walks close to Michael, puts his hand on Michael and asks...

    MAN
Hey, are you ok?

Michael pushes his hand away - pushes the man with both hands.

Everybody in the bar turns to looks.

Michael pushes him again, the man gestures with both hands. Michael walks to him again but people rush in to stop Michael.

EXT. BAR – NIGHT

Two men rush forward - grabbing Michael, they HAUL him out of the bar. Michael falls to the floor, sobbing.

INT. DAVID’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM – DAY

April and Samantha kneel on David’s bed - WHACKING each other with pillows - laughing as they wallop each other.

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

David  calls Sarah - no answer.

INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN – DAY

David breaks from cooking - calls Sarah, still no answer.

EXT. OUTSIDE SARAH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

David stands in front of the door of Sarah’s apartment - he RAPS on the door - nothing.

He walks away. Turns, looks back then walks away.

Cut, cut, cut.

Sweet, they do look and sound a lot better. My whole script needs a re-work for sure. I think I need myself an editor.

Btw, you said, enhances should be enhanced. Leave the dialogue, shouldn't the screenplay be written in present tense?

All those scenes are not collections, they actualy are TIME LAPSE scene. I don't know what it calls but it's like a fast forward without stopping on a particular scene. Lolzz... it's funny, I can't even find a way to put it. But I think you know what I mean.

Quoted from JR Btw, you said, enhances should be enhanced. ... shouldn't the screenplay be written in present tense?

Yes, but 'enhances' is grammatically incorrect. You could have something like 'A house - adorned with birthday decorations' - it is the present state of the building, even if the action to decorate was carried out in the past - but mostly when you are talking about the present tense, you're referring to 'actions'.

Quoted from JR All those scenes are not collections, they actualy are TIME LAPSE scene. I don't know what it calls but it's like a fast forward without stopping on a particular scene. Lolzz... it's funny, I can't even find a way to put it. But I think you know what I mean.

What you might mean is: SERIES OF SHOTS - this is like a montage, but in the correct time order - they way you've done it is fine as long as it gets the message over - otherwise you'd do:
a)
b)
or
1)
2)
... but I think a couple of your scenes are a little too long - I think it's good as it is - you choice though ...

Thanks.

I think it is motage. You said a few scenes are too long, well, those only half of it and the other half contains a few other longer scenes. Sound likes it's going to be a pain when it comes to edition.

And I've noticed that you've inserted hyphens in almost every sentence of the scene. Are they necessarily inevitable or we can just rewrite the sentence in a way to avoid repeatedly dashing(hyphens)?

So, how long should the montage be, 60sec? I think I have it about 3pages and still not finish. I need to toss in few more scenes to complete the connection in order move on.

Again, thanks.

Quoted from JR And I've noticed that you've inserted hyphens in almost every sentence of the scene. Are they necessarily inevitable or we can just rewrite the sentence in a way to avoid repeatedly dashing(hyphens)?

Well ... I didn't there were that many hyphens - but generally, hyphens are good, as they give the writing a slightly quicker read. Commas are okay, but can slow the read, which you can use to your advantage. A lot of what you wrote, I think, benefited from brevity. I think it's more about using these styles and techniques to your advantage(?).

Quoted from JR So, how long should the montage be, 60sec? I think I have it about 3pages and still not finish. I need to toss in few more scenes to complete the connection in order move on.

That's an awful long time for a montage ... if the scenes are in the correct chronological order, then it is actually a series of shots - but with the length you are talking about, it's probably easier just to write it 'as is', and film it like that. Up to you, though.

I think we kind of veer off the original script. Can you spot the next error(s) where should be corrected and/or rewritten to make it better?

Thanks.

INT. DINING TABLE – NIGHT

Everybody including Natalie and Christian; sits at a dining table; eating, talking and laughing.

DAVID
The night before my 9 birthday,...

Everybody quiets and turns to David.

DAVID (CONT’D)
I was lying on my bed trying to fall
Asleep. Suddenly, I heard a noise right
below my feet, sounded like someone
was in the room with me. I opened my
eyes and shifted to the sound. I was
almost jump off my bed; there was a
girl, a teenage girl in white dress,
a short white dress, she walked around
the corner of my bed toward me.--

FLASH OF SHOT: Young David sits on his bed as young Natalie walks around the corner of the bed.

DAVID (CONT’D)
--She reached her hand to me and
Introduced herself but I didn’t shake
hand with her because I was terrified.
I was looking at her hand, she wore a
few different kinds of bracelets mixed
with colors. Like that--
     
David points at Natalie’s hand; she wears a few bracelets with different colors.

FLASH OF SHOT: Young Natalie’s hand wears mixed colors bracelets, the same bracelets.

Natalie moves her hand behind the table, hides it from others view...

NATALIE
Hey...

Everybody laughs quietly as David continues...

DAVID
--She then started to walk back and
forth by the window talking nonsense.
Something about the connection, but I
can’t recall it. And then she admitted
to me that she is... you know, something
else. But I didn’t believe her then I
asked her to prove herself what she said
she was. First she disagree but then she
picked up one hand face her palm toward
a book, my story book. The book started
floating into the air--

MONTAGE

A) Young Nathalie picks up her right hand, palm faces toward a study desk. A book starts floating into the air. It opens page to page then slowly glides toward young David and hovering over his head.

B) Young David looks at the book following it without closing his eyes. He slowly stands up; the book floats very close to him. Young David picks up his hand...

DAVID (CONT’D)
--And then Mom opened the door and told
me to go to sleep. The girl wished me a
happy birthday then I went to sleep.--

David pauses, picks up a bottle of beer, takes a sip. He stands up and walks around the table toward Natalie.

DAVID (CONT’D)
--At my birthday party, I saw her
again. She stood by the stair waving
her hand at me. Mom was pregnant Nate
back then. She wanted Nate to say hi
to me from inside her belly, she grabbed
my hand and put it on her belly
pretended to be Nate and wished me
happy birthday. I turned to the stair
where the girl was standing; but she
wasn’t there, I saw a white light,
sized about a fist big.--

David shows them his fist...

FLASH OF SHOT: Young Natalie disappears and turns into a bright white light; flies fast toward a pregnant woman, hits Young David’s hand and slowly disappears into the woman’s belly.

David continues...

DAVID (CONT’D)
--It flew fast toward mom’s belly,
it hit my hand on her belly then
disappeared into the belly.

David walks closer to Natalie.

DAVID (CONT’D)
--Later that day, Mom gave birth
to a baby girl, a cute baby girl.--

Natalie chuckles and chokes on her food.

David continues...

DAVID (CONT’D)
--We both now share the same birthday,
Nate and I. My baby sister and I.

David leans to kiss Natalie on her head, everybody stands up, cheers and claps but David holds his hand up...

DAVID (CONT’D)
Wait! I’m not finished yet.

Everybody laughs and sits back down...

DAVID (CONT’D)
Don’t you want to know how Nate was
named? At the beginning when the girl
introduced herself, she said her name
was Natalie. I didn’t want to spoil
the story.

David smiles and everybody stands up again, cheers and claps one more time.

Samantha picks up a bottle of beer, smiles and...

SAMANTHA
To David... and Natalie...

Everybody cheers and gulps their drinks then sits back down, continues talking, eating and laughing.

For a start ...

INT. DINING TABLE - NIGHT

... isn't a location --

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Everybody including Natalie and Christian; sits at a dining table; eating, talking and laughing.
-- I don't know what has come before this scene, so I've no idea who 'everybody' is.
-- You're mis-using your semi-colons.

## Everybody quiets ...
-- Everybody quietens ...

And then David's dialogue is very long.

I've not seen 'FLASH OF SHOT' used before - not saying it's not valid, just ... are you sure?

## hides it from others view...
-- hides it from others' view.
-- hides it from view.
-- Hidden.

You've put in a montage ... ? But it looks more like a FLASHBACK - unless I'm reading it wrong? But then it's also ordered correctly (chronologically) so it's written like a Series of Shots ... ?

FLASH OF SHOT <<<< I invented it lolz... Maybe we can just call it SHOT or INSERT SHOT? So, what really fit there, I wonder? What's the word for it?

Replace MONTAGE with SERIES OF SHOTS. It's a scene but I don't want to call it flashback since it doesn't happen in the full version. It's only just a story David tells. It doesn't have to happen in the previous scene to call it a flashback, does it?

Check out this scene:

EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY

A song plays on the radio in a car. Christian drives, Natalie sits on the passenger side.

Natalie and Christian; both sing along...

NATE & CHRIS
The sun goes down, the stars come out,
and all that counts, is here and now,
my universe will never be the same,
I’m glad you came, I'm glad you came...

A cell phone rings, Natalie picks up the phone and answers as Christian turns down the music.

NATALIE
Hello, hey... Sarah, hi.

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION

SARAH
Hey,... are you and Chris coming?

NATALIE
Yes, we are. We’re on our way there
right now. Save us some foods.

SARAH
Don’t worry! We cooked all the #1 on
your brother’s menu. There’re plenty
of foods. Just get yourself here.
We’re waiting for you two.

NATALIE
Thank you. Bye.

Christian turns the music louder and again they sing along.

Their car drives farther and further away on the highway.