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Right off the bat, the first paragraphs are riddled with grammatical errors. I'm not sure whether you just wrote this extremely quickly, not pausing to check for problems, or if English is your first language. I don't mean to offend you by saying that, but it gives the impression that you are either typing fast or learning English when you forget entire words and phrases. I've read scripts by foreign authors and it just gives the same vibes.
You're right, English isn't my first language. It actualy is a forth. The first two had been wiped out by the third and now the forth, English, is trying to take over the third. Why was that? I was born in a family who spoke three languages, fluently. We lived in a border between two countries so, we spoke both languages of those countries. Imagine most people from down south states speak English and Spanish. But I'm not latin.
And it happened that one of the two languages I was influent in didn't belong to one of the countries. It actually was from my ancestor. Ok, stay with me, don't get confused. Lolz... After we moved into the capital city, I went to school that was when I started to adapt the third one. The first two languages, I couldn't read or write but only spoke. While living in the city, everybody spoke the third language and the lack of speaking of the first two in the family, that was how the third one took over. Plus, I was too young back then when I was speaking the first two. I was only three or four, five at most. I can still remember when we first moved into the city, I would cry over the language(the third) that people spoke because I couldn't understand.
Now here I am in America struggling to learn English, not only just for speaking to communicate with people but in the process, I want to be a professional writer, a screenwriter to be exact.
On page 5, you have two titles on the same black screen, "The Night Before" and "Visit". This could make it hard for the viewer to understand which is the title.
This is exactly what I really want, but I need you to be more specific. Point out to remove either one of those and give the reason why. And this is how I see it when I was writing, imagine on a big screen; the title "The night before" flashes at the bottom right corner of the screen when it cut from the earlier scene then the other one(make it bigger as a standard movie title) flashes in the middle of the screen in the next scene(David's room) to indicate it's the main title of the story/movie.
Overall, the whole thing is confusing and hard to get through because of grammar and syntax issues. This needs rewritten, but I'm not sure it could sustain 140 pages. But maybe if you find more content...
I'm not a liar. Lolz... I'm at page 130 and already outlined the wrap-up but I hold on to it because if I finish it, I'll start to write the next title which I can't wait to put it on the papers. I tend to have the Visit fixed then use it do the rework on the full version. So, I don't have to carry more than one unpolished script.
Anyways, seeing as you don't want to read many scripts because you're afraid you might contaminate your vision with others', maybe after you're done writing this script you can read and comment on others to return the favor. We'll be happy to have you; these people are taking time out of their day to help you, and it's only right they be treated as help, even if it isn't to your liking, and the favor should certainly be returned.
What could I possibly post or give other feedback since I can't even have my own script fixed? I figure, my comment would be pointless. Don't you think?
Great job on writing in a fourth language, that must take a great deal of concentration. Good on you for that.
I wouldn't say remove either one of the supers, but just make one of them appear, then have some sort of relevant image, and then the other. Maybe super the "night before" over the action, this way there is no confusion.
Sorry, I hadn't read all four pages of this thread and I was not aware that you were just about done on the feature. I thought you were only planning to expand on the short, but had not yet done it.
As far as giving the feedback, I've only written two scripts in my entire life, and neither of them are amazing, but my feedback doesn't seem to repulse anyone here (or if it does, they have not yet told me). All I'm suggesting is that once your script is finished, you pop on over to other scripts to help other writers as they have done for you.
What could I possibly post or give other feedback since I can't even have my own script fixed? I figure, my comment would be pointless. Don't you think?
1.It's easy to simply say you like it or you don't like it, and I think you'll find reasons come easily yo mind.
2. Reading other scripts is one of the best ways to improve your own writing - that's from my personal experience, and many others will echo that. Reading other scripts won't 'contaminate' your thinking - I can pretty much assure you of that, and I think you'll be surprised as to how much your learning curve goes up. Try it and see. Give yourself a week of reading - stick a couple of comments down, and then go back to your own script. I think you'll be enlightened some.
It- like a dream. It- just a dream. It IS a dream.
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You guys really want to infect me with your scripts, don't you? Lol...
My next genre is about war, action, adventure. I already started to outline but before I stream it into a script, I'd like you guys appoint me a few scripts about war. That way, I can fulfill your contentment by "contaminating" my idea with it(s).
Meanwhile, I have a question for Simon, is that what they call you. Since you're the first who interested in the Visit and commented on it, I wonder if you can to help me rewrite it(the Visit) in your own words, not altering the story but convert my words into yours. If you agree, I'd like you to drop Samantha and Michael's names back to young girl and boy because the story should only focus on four characters; Natalie, David and their parents. And you'll be accredited as co-writer. It's only 17 pages, you could have it done in no time.
Let me know. Thanks!
P-s, Simon, you seem to be everywhere. Can you pitch me a few scripts of war which you think it's worth reading. Appreciate.
I’ve seen you busy recently on the site although all the action seems to be taking place here so why not take a peek and see what all the fuss is about.
Firstly, I’m going to agree with everybody else and you should start reading and leaving feedback on other peeps scripts, its quid pro quo around here.
Also I’m a bit taken back about your reaction to some of the feedback which you should be grateful for and not expecting reader’s to point out every single mistake they see. I’m sorry but I have no idea why Dan is apologising to you here… if anything it should be the other way round. I mean all you had to say was “thanks for the read, Dan… would you mind elaborating on the areas which made you stop reading so I can improve them”
Instead you state if he can’t handle 17 pages, how is he going to handle longer scripts…huh? The guy just states the story isn’t for him. Why read 100 pages of something you’re not interested in. I’m just amazed to your reaction to somebody who has commented on your script twice and is trying to help you.
I don't read other scripts because I don't want the story that already created in my head to change.
The thing is, after I read it, my brain will manipulate to create a similar idea to what I read. And that is what I don't like about because I want the brain itself to originate the idea, not copies from other's.
I actually agree with your theory but again I’m sorry because it’s absolute nonsense really, unless you’re living in a single room with just your script in front of you.
The brain’s an amazing thing and it picks up information of every second of every day. If you watch a movie, listen to music, play a game, read a newspaper even if you’re waiting at a bus stop you’re taking in your surroundings and taking in new information. I promise you that your idea won’t get contaminated by this nor will it if you read another script on here… I’m not expecting dinosaurs to appear in Visit because you watched Jurassic Park last night and neither should you.
Anyway onto the script:
There are lots of grammar issues throughout but I understand English isn’t your first language? It also reads very awkward in places, lot’s of sentences which come off confusing.
Some simple things like failed to cap characters on first intro, try to keep the action to 4 lines max and some of the parenchticals look wrong towards the end. Try to write out numbers in the dialogue and try not to use words excessively like “looks” and cut down on the “eyebrows merging” I think he did this three times in quick succession.
The dialogue needs a lot of work, there’s no fluency to their voices and they come off a bit like robots at the moment.
P.1 “At the front of a house” We know this by the slug, a way of tightening your action is not to repeat details you’ve already told us. Also what is a “modern house” why not “David’s house” or if we knew their surname “Smith residence – front garden” Something more personalised here as we never leave this location, the house is the backdrop to every scene and seems like it needs more personality than just modern house. Just a thought
“fills with birthday’s decoration” should be “filled with birthday decorations” but then it doesn’t read right at all because we’re outside.
“others sit and stand quietly playing by the swing.” Kids QUIETLY playing… I know this is not true especially when in a group.
“DAVID, 9, sits on a swing” Repeated information again here, cut one of these out. Personally I would concentrate on David, that’s who your audience to focus on.
“a boy and a girl” Cap them and better yet, give them names as they talk and it’s becomes confusing when one asks if it’s a boy or a girl.
“Have you ever seen... ghost?” “ever seen a… ghost”
“I’ve seen one last night.” or “I saw one last night”
“I used to dream about a ghost was chasing me” missing “that” before was.
P.2 “but a lot of things that scary happen in our dream.” Or “But a lot of scary things happen in our dreams” I have to be honest though and say I don’t any of the dialogue here by the kids. It doesn’t read realistic to me.
Anyway, I didn’t go through the whole script doing notes, just the first page but hopefully it helps you here.
The good news is that I actually like the concept here but not the execution. The idea that the spirit of an unborn child can visit their brother is a good idea and I can see potential here to further develop it.
One aspect that confused me is why she is visiting him at all? What’s the purpose? And why not touch his mother and start pregnancy, sure it would be a bit premature but not life threatening at 8 months… some woman love him to touch her and get all the waiting out the way.
I also have to question David asking her to move something when she claims it will shorten her life… I mean to shorten your sister’s life over a book, seems a bit selfish.
I would have liked some different spin, a kind of warming from Natalie about a complicated birth and how David has to persuade his mother to go to the hospital now before it’s too late.
It- like a dream. It- just a dream. It IS a dream.
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Hey coop,
Thanks for the feedback. They actually are useful. Also Simon helps me shapes it out and I'm at very last page now. Just a few more slightly changes at the end then it'll be wrapped.
ANyway, I'm working on a second feature lenght and having a hard time to hunt down the script of "Tears of the sun" starred bruce willis. I want a pdf version but can't seem find it anywhere on the web. Can somebody help me with it. Very much appreciate.
It- like a dream. It- just a dream. It IS a dream.
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Thanks Simon,
Actually, that's what I got in the first place when I started to find the pdf file to download. I'd read it but didn't get through the whole thing. I had to imagine the charaters talking to each other because you wouldn't know who was talking to whom. It splitted my head in half for trying to gather back the image of the movie that I saw only once several years back but the vision was too blurry to track, so I gave up.
I'm looking for the action description of the part that bruce willis and his team raid a building where the bad guy cut off a woman's breasts. I still remember it gave me goosbump while watching the part.
And now I'm trying to fingure out other movies that I have watched sustain a raid to a building. I already have the vision but to describe it kind of giving me "pause." But I read the losers where they try to extrat the children out of a building. I haven't tried three kings yet. I also want to try a-team because it contains a lot of shooting actions in it.
It- like a dream. It- just a dream. It IS a dream.
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Wat'up there, Peeps,
The revived script of the Visit has up. Simon had been patient with me for changing and adding here and there while he's still working on it. Now he completely ignores the Visit after I handed him Tommy. Lolz... No offense, Simon. Only a sense of humor. So, can some of you take a look at it and give feedback because I just added a few sentences. I'm sure there are few other slight mistakes still persist.
Thanks,
Jimmy.
Ps- Some of you complained about hard to get through while reading it. Well, now it's readable. Please, go check it out. Peace!!!
It- like a dream. It- just a dream. It IS a dream.
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Just realized, "why the heck I have Sam and Mike in the script?" They did nothing but slowing down the story. Instead of removing them, I've come up with an idea to write another short version of it, about David and his friends to fit the story in together. It confused me because I was writing the feature version, the Connection, it focused on the 3 of them, David, Mike and Sammy.
Now I know why some of you said it's down-graded, it's because it was. Well, a little late to change now so, i'm just gonna go with it and write a side story to have them fit in. It won't take long, because I already have the vision.
It's funny when you get a little better on doing something and come back to see your earlier works, it kind of giving you "a kind of feeling" that you realize what lack of yourself about them.
So I see the famous Mr.Calligan is now a co-writer on this now.
I gave this another quick glance, more because Simon's a contributing member and deserves reads but I wondered how much you were involved, Simon?
I can see your influence in the action, it's a lot neater and tighter, but I was surprised by some schoolboy errors. Also the amount of typo's and unrealistic dialogue which was filtered throughout.
I couldn't see much difference in the story to be honest, it plays out the same as last time and I'm still unsure as to the whole meaning of it.
It's good to see writer’s collaborating though, we don't see enough of that. Guess it can sometimes cause arguments.
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