Quoted from CoopBazinga I can see your influence in the action, it's a lot neater and tighter,

why thankee, kind sir.

Quoted from CoopBazinga but I was surprised by some schoolboy errors ... & the amount of typo's

Blame Celtx.

Quoted from CoopBazinga and unrealistic dialogue which was filtered throughout.

Blame JRyan.

Quoted from CoopBazinga I couldn't see much difference in the story to be honest,

I never touched the story.

See? Compliments to me; criticisms to Jimmy. Just how it should be.  

Coop,

No offense. You either skipped read or only read the first few pages of the script. The only way to know what's going on in the story is to read the whole thing. Simple, eh? You said you're not sure the whole meaning of the story. What, are you smoking? lolz... did you read the logline? do you even know why it's called the Visit?

...unrealistic dialogue which was filtered throughout. <<< really, are you high?

One question, Coop, what are you really doing here in SS? I see you have more than 600 posts but only one blond joke... I don't mean that. Only one short script delivered, 9pages.

Jimmy.

Quoted from JR One question, Coop, what are you really doing here in SS?

best calm this down before we get out of hand - Coop's one of the biggest readers here, and gives a lot of feedback - and that's what a lot of people are looking for - he's also posted a quality script to a recent OWC which you may not have come across.

It's really different sides of the coin -- peeps have commented that some people tend to concentrate only on their own scripts ... so no-one's perfect, eh?

Quoted from JR No offense. You either skipped read or only read the first few pages of the script. The only way to know what's going on in the story is to read the whole thing. Simple, eh? You said you're not sure the whole meaning of the story. What, are you smoking? lolz... did you read the logline? do you even know why it's called the Visit? ...unrealistic dialogue which was filtered throughout. <<< really, are you high? One question, Coop, what are you really doing here in SS? I see you have more than 600 posts but only one blond joke... I don't mean that. Only one short script delivered, 9pages. Jimmy.

Jimmy, when are you going to learn to take a little bit of constructive criticism, thank the reviewer and move on. Seriously, mate, this isn't the first time I've seen this from you and quite frankly I think you need to appreciate what people do for you a little more.

I don't have to take the time out of my day to reply to you and neither does Steve. Not to mention the fact that if you look on any forum on this website, you'll notice that Coop has been there.

You need to start accepting the many errors which you have in this script, overcome them and prove to us that you have a good story in there. Getting stroppy over your reviews isn't going to get you anywhere. Get rid of that chip on your shoulder and start accepting the help we're trying to give.

I also see this the perfect opportunity to ask what are YOU doing on SS? Steve already has one up on you by at least posting one decent script, so I don't think you're in a position to ask that. Serious loss of respect for you, man.

Daniel

Quoted from JR Coop, No offense. You either skipped read or only read the first few pages of the script. The only way to know what's going on in the story is to read the whole thing. Simple, eh? You said you're not sure the whole meaning of the story. What, are you smoking? lolz... did you read the logline? do you even know why it's called the Visit? ...unrealistic dialogue which was filtered throughout. <<< really, are you high? One question, Coop, what are you really doing here in SS? I see you have more than 600 posts but only one blond joke... I don't mean that. Only one short script delivered, 9pages. Jimmy.

Jimmy, pull your head out.

Coop contributes a huge amount on SS and if you piss him and others off you may as well pack your bags and move on.

People on SS are trying to help and many have much more knowledge than you.

Be nice to others, take what they say and improve your upcoming skill.

Go in the right direction or fold.

Lol...

It seems that people pay more attention to what I've said(posted) than what I've created in the script(s). Maybe in the reality, people would interested in my real life than the story I am trying to tell.

What I can really hear out of you who take offense for Coop than himself is that you've answered my question, "what are you really doing here, Coop?". But I did say, "no offense" before asking the question.

To Dan, I'll take anything you said but one. You said you don't think I'm in a position to ask Coop that question. Well, I don't know what New Zealand have in their Constitution if they have one, but in the U.S. we have the right to ask any question. We have the right to dig out any answer to any doubt. It's one of the right from the first amendment and it's called, "freedom of speech." So, please...

To Alex, seriousely? fold? lmao... You don't like what I said, turn around and keep walking beacuse "you're not in a position to tell me that." <<< Lol... Just kidding, Alex. Of what you said there, it just a ticklish because I did lol over it.

Guys, I really appreciate that you team up and back up for people you like. And that's is what I want. Instead of paying attention to what I said, why don't you take those time and pick a scene from my script and tell me what need to be corrected that'll improve on my script(s). Honestly, I thirst for feedbacks over my script, but not the feedback over my attitude. Maybe my typos or maybe my english isn't perfect. Huh.. watt ded yau sey? Lolz...

Cheer, peeps.

Jimmy.

P.s. The Visit 2.0(the Connection) and Tommy 2(Lelia) are on their ways. Soon will be released. Waiting on Simon.

Quoted from JR Lol... in the U.S. we have the right to ask any question. We have the right to dig out any answer to any doubt. It's one of the right from the first amendment and it's called, "freedom of speech." So, please...

Are you sure about that?  Been to the airports lately?  Heard the reports coming in of people being ticketed for simply cussing in public?  Heard the inklings of words being stricken from our dialect, regardless of how offensive, trivial or inept they may be?

We might have a constitution here in America... but we damn sure don't use it or practice it.

Anyways, I'm not about to jump into the actual argument as I've not read the script... It might be amazing.   I don't know.  But, as someone whose been in and around this site off and on since as far back as I can remember -- The close knit group of SS tend to pack themselves pretty tight.  Better bring your own key to tap the sardine can, man.  


EDIT: Since the script is only 18 pages I'll give it a look...  I'm rather busy these days training in the gym and teaching my daughter why peanut-butter doesn't make good paint.

Quoted from JR To Dan, I'll take anything you said but one. You said you don't think I'm in a position to ask Coop that question. Well, I don't know what New Zealand have in their Constitution if they have one, but in the U.S. we have the right to ask any question. We have the right to dig out any answer to any doubt. It's one of the right from the first amendment and it's called, "freedom of speech." So, please...

Freedom of speech has nothing to do with it, Jimmy. However, it has everything to do with common courtesy. A guy helps you out, you thank him and ask him to clarify anything that you don't understand, rather than accusing him of being high! Steve raised some good points (even though they may have been generalized) and it would do you well to have a good read through his comments.

Since you have no problem with freedom of speech, why did you immediately start accusing Steve of being high? He was expressing an opinion about your work. Is that not freedom of speech?

I still think you need to be a little more appreciative of what we do for you. That's something I wont back down from.

Daniel

The main thing I struggled with on this script was down to formatting... I simply don't like how it was written.  Too many resources were used up in extending a visual.

The things I'm talking about all come down to preference though -- I can't tell you they are right, or wrong, or that someone won't buy your script and produce it.  But this is certainly not how I'd write a script...

Lots of orphans and little things that simple waste real-estate.  

WORDS unto themselves hover above slugs.  

You'll list a character onto their own line and then follow it with their action on another line, but they totally disregard your own formatting on the same page.  PAGE 6 and countless others to be exact.

It's just all too static.  Nothing seems to have any continuity or flow to it -- I think I've gotten down your habits and then all of a sudden you change them.  A writer must not only remain consistent in their story telling, but their format as well.  Have the format you want -- Have your own voice, but stick to it and don't stray from it.

You've almost taken bits and pieces from various forms and styles and tried to meld them into one.  Sounds good in theory, take the best parts and make a super format, but it never works out that way.  Moderation is key.  Pick and choose carefully...

Another thing that is a huge NO, and you'll find this out when you start paying people in positions of power to review your work, is that you never wanna break the flow of dialogue.  You have countless instances where someone will talk and then right underneath it you'll tell us what they're doing before the other person can speak.  This is called "mannerism infraction".  Let a conversation flow.

On page 7 you have David cutting in via action... Why?  A simple hypen after Lilly's mmm would be fine and then hypen the first part of David's speaking to show he's taken over.

For instance:

LILLY

Umm... mmm--

DAVID

--Stop it!

You also over do your scene headers, adding way too much information into them.  

"INT. MODERN HOUSE - OUTSIDE DAVID�S ROOM - NIGHT"

Really?  Hell, if the line wouldn't have broke I bet you could fit something else in there -- Time of night, perhaps?

INT. DAVID'S ROOM - NIGHT

The door to David's room is flung open.


Things like "A moment later..."  None of that needs to be in here.  And there are just so many instances of these tiny things that add and stack up.

On page 16 you need to add "OVER ON THE PILLOW" or simply "ON PILLOW".

CUT TO BLACK:  ???  
FADE OUT:  ???

How about just FADE OUT, followed by a nice, properly positioned and spaced ""THE END"??  

---

I did manage to get through to the story here and it's a nice tale -- It's just not written very well.  The edges are sharp and ridged and certainly need to be chipped away into something more direct, clear and tuned.   Your biggest flaw, to me, is your writing being all over the place and never where it needs to be at any given time.

I'm not gonna sit here and tell you to be nicer to anyone, to take my advice, or any of that... Do what you want with what you're given here.  But an arrogant fool quickly becomes a simple fool once they're found out.

Quoted from Baltis. The main thing I struggled with on this script was down to formatting... The things I'm talking about all come down to preference though

Hi Baltis - thanks for the input.

JRyan asked me to do a re-write on this, as English wasn't his first language. I mainly trimmed a lot, as he asked me not to alter the story.

I do like mini-slugs, and the formatting that I've used is accepted - but I do understand that different people prefer to write in different ways.

Thanks for your input none-the-less.

Thanks Baltis,

That's one hell of a feedback. I don't know how I come up with this, but it does shake my head to light like poking on a flashing bulb. I'm not afraid to say, before it became this good, it was a completed piece of crap. Thanks to Simon, he put a lot of effort to it. More or less he's also credited in this.

You were right. I did take bits and pieces from various forms and melt them together, but the story origin did come from me. I see you find few errors in it and say that, "My biggest flaw, to you, is my writing being all over the place and never where it needs to be at any given time." Then you said it's a nice tale. That mean you got through the story just fine and you like it or kind of. Well, that's all I want. To tell the story. I don't really demand anything much out of it. As you said, "The edges are sharp and ridged and certainly need to be chipped away." This really means something and I am looking into it now.

Since you like this tale, I'm sure you'll like the second piece. It's the beginning of all of this. And the story a lot better. It'll be nice to have you have a look and give some more feedbacks when it released.

Very appreciated,

Jimmy.

Thanks Simon,

Quoted from Forgive JRyan asked me to do a re-write on this, as English wasn't his first language.

It's 4th. And the other 3 have faded almost vanished as English is taken over. Now I'm fluent in a broken language, English.

Cheer,

Jimmy.

Quoted from JR One question, Coop, what are you really doing here in SS? I see you have more than 600 posts but only one blond joke... I don't mean that. Only one short script delivered, 9pages.

You really know how to make friends....

Coop is one best contributors on the site, he takes his time out to help everyone else and proud to call him a great friend...

You on the other hand, has been nothing but arrogant and disrespectful to anybody that has attempted to give you any sort of feedback.... Why even bother to be on this site?

Mark

p.s. thanks for the pm to ask me to remove my previous comment.... You can do that yourself

I'm not too sure he's been overly rude... I can see one instance, reading back thru the thread, where he got defensive -- But it's his script.  We all jump to protect things we believe in, cherish or put massive amounts of effort into.  

If someone were to sit here and rip my script "Frostbite" apart for the sake of being critical to be critical, I'd probably be defensive, too... If for no other reason than the sheer amount of time, money, work and effort put into it.  If they were truly being honest and felt their issues were legit -- then, yeah, I'd listen with an attentive ear.  After all, everyone is a potential viewer for your work in the written or movie sense.

What I've read here in this thread seems, to me at least, to be little more than a few people being critical to be critical and no one in this thread offered the guy any "REAL" advice he could use to perfect his actual screenwriting.  They attacked the story on merits that, to me again, weren't big issues... The story works, it's solid and there is something worth seeing in this script.  

Help the guy with format -- His story is his story, not yours.  Let him tell it the way "HE" wants to tell it and stop trying to retool it for the sake of saying:

"yeah, I got him to change his story and it's just as much my story now as it is his."  

I don't know the guy from Mark... But if you truly want to keep members active, let them be.  You might not like how they are, but at least they are who they are.  And if you don't like how they are, ignore them.  Don't read their work.  Don't comment on their work.  

Quoted from Baltis. I'm not too sure he's been overly rude...

You sure about that? He's accused Coop of being high for simply voicing his opinion. For me, it's not that he has reacted negatively to the feedback, he's reacted negatively to the people who are trying to help him out.

I get that he's trying to defend his script and there's a certain amount of respect to him for standing his ground. At the same time, he's here to get feedback, so why not learn to deal with the negatives?