Visit by James S. Ryan (jryan) - Short, Drama, Family, Kids, Friendly Ghost Story - The night before his birthday, a boy is visited by the spirit of his unborn sister. 18 pages - pdf, format

I'm pretty sure that you are one of the perennial posters that never appears on the boards, so any feedback's likely to end up on some deaf ears.

Issues with the script are aplenty - but I'm happy to heave 'em up if you're around.

First of all, I'm a newb lolz... This is my first script, very first one. I wrote in word doc., used Tap key and saved as pdf. I have zero experience of writting script but I have read a few, though before I started writting it. Now I can't seem to stop, I do when I can and I hate it when I can't spare time to write. I'm working on the full version of this script and I want to finish it by fall before my school starts in Sept. I want to have this script done in a proper way like pro so, it could appear on the boards. When you have wrote something like that, you want it to be read so, you can get feedbacks. Correct me if I'm wrong, that's what we all feel.

I already knew there are plenty issues in it. Like I said, it's my very first script. Again, don't get me wrong, I love feedbacks. I'm all ears. In fact, I can't wait to hear(read) it(s). Please do so as you said. The more feedbacks, the better. I am thrilled.

Hey James,

Welcome to SS.

The way it works around here is that once you have reviewed other writers work then you will get reads, so if you would like to stick around and learn, like i do, then best start off with some reviews.

One other tip is to use the portal button at the top, in case you don't know, as this shows all the latest activity. What's being reviewed etc

If you would like to start with a script swap I have one called Inner Journey, on the portal, I would appreciate your thoughts. I will then return the read.

I opened your script and the first thing that jumped out at me was the CUT TO and instructions for camera. These are generally avoided in spec scripts. The camera directions,  I understand, come in more when going INTO production.

All the best.

To start off with the story is riddled with typos. You need to get in the habit(and I do too) of proofing your work before posting it.

All the camera actions and shots...maybe you've been reading shooting scripts instead of specs? My advice is to read a lot. Read here...there..wherever you can. I am saying this to myself also.

Characters--Not sure that I dig the intro of your characters. I don't really 'feel' for them at all.  I'd have liked to have at least seen the young boy intro'd before the night visit from Nathalie. You could've done it simply by using a scene with him and his pregnant mom....a touching scene so that we start off with a like or interest in your main character.

Story--I honestly like the story up through the middle where I stopped. It has potential. I like the idea of reincarnation, I'm not sure I would have used 'ghost' to describe Nathalie as it's so cliche' and as a reader, I'm tired of ghosts. But the story you're after here, is not bad.

I think first, if you are serious about giving this a go, I'd download Celtx, a free script writing software, I'd read some shorts in here, I'd get ready for a rewrite on this story right here and fix it--make it work and repost it.  

IMO it has potential. Best of luck and if/when you repost, I'll be glad to give it a read. Keep working and don't get discouraged. This is a great place to learn.

pale

Quoted from JR First of all, I'm a newb lolz...

Okay - I apologize for my numb-nuttedness.

I'd echo Reef Dreamer, but I'll also give a little feedback considering my display of foot 'n' mouth.

Hope you read some scripts up here as well though ...

Right. That read didn't take too long ...

I find it really difficult to get into any script story where there's bags of formatting issues - once they're ironed out - it's easier to read and the story can be tackled ... so I'm ignoring the story for now, and I hope you'll do a bit of a re-write format-wise.

Here's the bits that bugged me - but hopefully you'll get feedback from other too:

Interesting introduction - as an idea, but I got a little distracted by the CAPS - not sure what they were doing here, as if said with an (implied) emphasis - it doesn't really make sense ... but good to see you getting right to the heart of thing nice and early - that sometimes works really well in a short.

### From behind, a YOUNG GIRL, 13, shoeless, WHITE DRESS few inches above her knees -- Stands looking upwards at the window of the house.
-- Visually, I think this works quite well. My problems with it were:
1. From behind what? (I'm assuming the post box).
2. I'm a bit unsure about the CAPS on the white dress.
3. -- Stands, should be -- stands.
4. Irrelevant detail - does the dress HAVE to be inches above her knees, and do you HAVE to mention it? If it's superfluous, consider dropping it ('short white dress' is as good).

## CAMERA GLIDES TOWARD window -- passes the window glasses.
-- Camera directions are generally frowned up in spec scripts - it's good to try and do the same thing using a bit of creativity - again, if it's essential, then good, but maybe ask if there's another way to describe it without the camera directions.

## CUT TO BLACK SCREEN.
-- You have the above, but then follow it with another transition - I've not seen that before, and I'm not sure what it actually does to things.

## We see the ROOF of the house
-- 'We see' can divide opinion - most people are okay with one or two, so you've gone with your quota on the first page ...

## CAMERA MOVES down, we see a YOUNG BOY, DAVID, nine years
1. Camera directions again
2. We see, number three.
3. nine years, after using 13 for the age of the girl - consistency often gives the impression that you have a method of doing things, and therefore a knowledge of doing things - and it looks better.

So that's my take on it - if these things are cleared up, then you could have a good story on your hands.

Best of luck with it.

Consider it done. I mean, it's already done. Now do I have to request to remove the old one before reupload the new one or I can just upload it?

But I have it done before reading your post, Sicoll007. I haven't change the "few inches above knees" yet. But I will do it all one time for the next fedback(s). ANd to pale yellow, I have added the first scene as you've given me the thought. The birthday party scene. Also, I have taken off all the phrases that related to the shooting. I've wrote it in final draft demo. There are watermarks. SOrry, I can't afford the full version software yet.

Can't wait for the next feedback(s). Thanks!

Hey James

First off, welcome to SS. It's a great learning tool for scriptwriters so long as you keep contributing. Already, I've learned so much and I hope you find similar results.

I didn't really like this one, sorry to say, just because the story wasn't for me. That's not something you can control. Sometimes, your story will only work for different people.

It would be unfair to leave this without leaving my thoughts, so here they are...

Right from the start I noticed your use of camera directions, something I despise if I'm not the director. In terms of format, that was the only thing that didn't quite work for me, but different people have different tastes, I guess.

There were a few typos... Nothing that can't be eliminated in one go.

Overall, it was well-written, just the story wasn't for me.

Keep writing and posting and you're bound to learn heaps.

Daniel

Quoted from JR I've wrote it in final draft demo. There are watermarks. Sorry, I can't afford the full version software yet.

These are both good pieces of software that are free:

http://www.trelby.org/

https://www.celtx.com/app/studio.html#/downloadsTab

Thanks for the links.

Why is it so hard to remove and reupload the script, I wonder. Why it has to take days or so to do that? Anyway, I have just made correction to my script.

All camera instructions and transactions are gone.
Added David's birthday party scene at the beginning.
Removed and edited some non neccessary phrases.
changed and edited to some dialogs.
Established full 15 pages script.

Now you can enjoy reading it peaceful as a spec script. First, I need an answer for the removing and reuploading of script.

Hey James  

To re-upload a script just send in a new one and in the 'comments' section say that it is a re-write.

Daniel

I don't know if this is convenient, I have decided to cut out some scenes from the full version of this script. The below is a half of one scene that I cut because I thought It's too acessive.

--Sarah’s eyes close, mouth opens and gently moans as David’s body moving back and forth on top of her. Her both hands drag around feeling David’s chest and abs. Both of her legs over on both of his.

Both roll over again; Sarah backs on top of David. She bites her both lips but continues moaning. Both sweat like they just walk right out of the shower.

David’s hands on both of Sarah’s chest and her both hands on top of his. Her body dances around him, she moves back and forth, right and left, then she drops her both hands on the floor both sides of David but the body still moving to all directions.

David holds Sarah’s waist, pushes her up a little to stops her from moving, then she trembles as David shakes her from below. She looks at David and moans louder.

Thanks.

Ps, the full version of this script is about David's grown up. This script is only a flashback that David tells it to his girlfriend.

My tip is to read and review other scripts first !!

I killed David's parents in full version of this script. I feel like an asshole. Now I want to kill one of his friend so I can create a connection between David and those spirits but I can't come up with an idea. Lolz... my idea keeps jumping to the parts that I don't want them yet to happen.

Revived script is up, it's about time. But hey thanks. And I have made more corrections and editions to it again.

Btw, David's friend is dying. I have the feeling for my own character. But she need to die to make the story better. And I already have a scene for her to reborn. I'm on the minute 45 of the full script. This should be done sometime next week so I can move to the next story.

Ps, I need more feedbacks on this revival script they just reupload. Thanks, peeps.

Hi James - not too sure what's happened here - this is quite different to the previous script - I liked the introduction to the other script, and felt it just needed re-working - this introduction is a shift-different - and it seems to come with its own set of problems:

At the front of a house fills with birthday’s decoration, few
children play on the green grass running and screaming while
others sit and stand quietly playing by the swing.
----------
A young boy, DAVID, 9, sits on a swing and two other young
boy and young girl stand on both side of the swing swinging
him and talking.
----------

These two paragraphs are your openers, but they've both got lots of grammar issues.

Do you proof-read before you post?

Did get me wondering as to how old you are ... if you don't mind me asking?

I've been concentrated on the full version of it. I don't want to miss a scene when it pops in my mind. When I turn here and there, it kind of confuses me a bit because I want it to be done quick so I can turn back to the full version. Here it is, down there. If there's still an issue, please do tell. Thanks.

A few children play on the grass in front of a house running and screaming, others sit and stand quietly by the swing.

DAVID, 9, sits on a swing with two of his friends; a boy and a girl stand both side of the swing.

I know there are more issue but is it better than the first one?

--David walks back and sits next to Michael.

Seconds later...

DAVID
She wasn’t just your girlfriend.
She’s our friend too. We all love
her. Nobody wants to lose anybody.

     Michael sobs, quietly.

A deleted scene from the full version. After one of David's friend was killed by her author lolz... by a car, I mean.

Quoted from JR A few children play on the grass in front of a house running and screaming, others sit and stand quietly by the swing. DAVID, 9, sits on a swing with two of his friends; a boy and a girl stand both side of the swing. I know there are more issue but is it better than the first one?

In a word ... Yes.

Would these below work too?

In front of a house enhances with birthday decorations, a few children play on the grass and others sit and stand by the swing.

DAVID, 9, sits on a swing with two of his friends; a boy and a girl stand both side of the swing.

So, you only read the two paragraphs and stopped? Can you please finish the whole thing and post all errors at once? I mean, you know; by all means.

I'm about to finish the full version and there's going to be more "aplenty" in it. By more, I mean a lot more.

The below are the collections scenes from the full version of this script. Can you please read and toss me a quick answer if there's an error in it or what/where that need to be corrected or what difference should they be to make them look and sound better?

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

David and Sarah stand on a sidewalk facing each other, arguing.

Sarah turns around and walks away, David looks confused and shrugs a gesture with both of his hands.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

Michael sits on a chair by the counter in a bar. He turns and looks around seeing a few couples stand talking and laughing. He turns back and starts to sob, quietly.

A man walks close to Michael, puts his hand on Michael and asks...

MAN
Hey, are you ok?

Michael turns to look at him and pushes his hand away; he drops down from the chair and pushes the man with both hands. Everybody in the bar turns to looks at the two.

Michael walks closer to the man and pushes him again, the man gestures with both hands. Michael walks to him again but people rush in to stop Michael.

EXT. BAR – NIGHT

Two men brace Michael and carry him out of the bar. They push him away, Michael falls on the floor, sobbing.

INT. DAVID’S APARTMENT – DAY

April and Samantha inside David’s bedroom; both kneel on David’s bed playing pillows fight and laughing.

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

David walks on a sidewalk tries to call Sarah but no answer.

INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN – DAY

David takes a break from cooking; he calls Sarah, still no answer.

EXT. OUTSIDE SARAH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

David stands in front of the door of Sarah’s apartment; he keeps knocking on the door but nobody answers.

He turns and walks away a few steps, look back at the door then turns and walks away.

Thanks.

Quoted from JR Would these below work too?

In front of a house enhances with birthday decorations, a few children play on the grass and others sit and stand by the swing.
No.
Enhances should be enhanced.
a few children -- just 'children'
a few children play on the grass and others sit and stand by the swing.
children play on the grass - others sit or stand by the swing.

DAVID, 9, sits on a swing with two of his friends; a boy and a girl stand both side of the swing.
DAVID, 9, sits on a swing - two friends - a boy and a girl either side.

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

David and Sarah face each other - arguing.

Sarah walks away.

David, confused, shrugs.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

Michael sits by the counter.

He looks around - sees couples talking, laughing.

He turns back - sobs, quietly.

A man walks close to Michael, puts his hand on Michael and asks...

    MAN
Hey, are you ok?

Michael pushes his hand away - pushes the man with both hands.

Everybody in the bar turns to looks.

Michael pushes him again, the man gestures with both hands. Michael walks to him again but people rush in to stop Michael.

EXT. BAR – NIGHT

Two men rush forward - grabbing Michael, they HAUL him out of the bar. Michael falls to the floor, sobbing.

INT. DAVID’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM – DAY

April and Samantha kneel on David’s bed - WHACKING each other with pillows - laughing as they wallop each other.

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

David  calls Sarah - no answer.

INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN – DAY

David breaks from cooking - calls Sarah, still no answer.

EXT. OUTSIDE SARAH’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

David stands in front of the door of Sarah’s apartment - he RAPS on the door - nothing.

He walks away. Turns, looks back then walks away.

Cut, cut, cut.

Sweet, they do look and sound a lot better. My whole script needs a re-work for sure. I think I need myself an editor.

Btw, you said, enhances should be enhanced. Leave the dialogue, shouldn't the screenplay be written in present tense?

All those scenes are not collections, they actualy are TIME LAPSE scene. I don't know what it calls but it's like a fast forward without stopping on a particular scene. Lolzz... it's funny, I can't even find a way to put it. But I think you know what I mean.

Quoted from JR Btw, you said, enhances should be enhanced. ... shouldn't the screenplay be written in present tense?

Yes, but 'enhances' is grammatically incorrect. You could have something like 'A house - adorned with birthday decorations' - it is the present state of the building, even if the action to decorate was carried out in the past - but mostly when you are talking about the present tense, you're referring to 'actions'.

Quoted from JR All those scenes are not collections, they actualy are TIME LAPSE scene. I don't know what it calls but it's like a fast forward without stopping on a particular scene. Lolzz... it's funny, I can't even find a way to put it. But I think you know what I mean.

What you might mean is: SERIES OF SHOTS - this is like a montage, but in the correct time order - they way you've done it is fine as long as it gets the message over - otherwise you'd do:
a)
b)
or
1)
2)
... but I think a couple of your scenes are a little too long - I think it's good as it is - you choice though ...

Thanks.

I think it is motage. You said a few scenes are too long, well, those only half of it and the other half contains a few other longer scenes. Sound likes it's going to be a pain when it comes to edition.

And I've noticed that you've inserted hyphens in almost every sentence of the scene. Are they necessarily inevitable or we can just rewrite the sentence in a way to avoid repeatedly dashing(hyphens)?

So, how long should the montage be, 60sec? I think I have it about 3pages and still not finish. I need to toss in few more scenes to complete the connection in order move on.

Again, thanks.

Quoted from JR And I've noticed that you've inserted hyphens in almost every sentence of the scene. Are they necessarily inevitable or we can just rewrite the sentence in a way to avoid repeatedly dashing(hyphens)?

Well ... I didn't there were that many hyphens - but generally, hyphens are good, as they give the writing a slightly quicker read. Commas are okay, but can slow the read, which you can use to your advantage. A lot of what you wrote, I think, benefited from brevity. I think it's more about using these styles and techniques to your advantage(?).

Quoted from JR So, how long should the montage be, 60sec? I think I have it about 3pages and still not finish. I need to toss in few more scenes to complete the connection in order move on.

That's an awful long time for a montage ... if the scenes are in the correct chronological order, then it is actually a series of shots - but with the length you are talking about, it's probably easier just to write it 'as is', and film it like that. Up to you, though.

I think we kind of veer off the original script. Can you spot the next error(s) where should be corrected and/or rewritten to make it better?

Thanks.

INT. DINING TABLE – NIGHT

Everybody including Natalie and Christian; sits at a dining table; eating, talking and laughing.

DAVID
The night before my 9 birthday,...

Everybody quiets and turns to David.

DAVID (CONT’D)
I was lying on my bed trying to fall
Asleep. Suddenly, I heard a noise right
below my feet, sounded like someone
was in the room with me. I opened my
eyes and shifted to the sound. I was
almost jump off my bed; there was a
girl, a teenage girl in white dress,
a short white dress, she walked around
the corner of my bed toward me.--

FLASH OF SHOT: Young David sits on his bed as young Natalie walks around the corner of the bed.

DAVID (CONT’D)
--She reached her hand to me and
Introduced herself but I didn’t shake
hand with her because I was terrified.
I was looking at her hand, she wore a
few different kinds of bracelets mixed
with colors. Like that--
     
David points at Natalie’s hand; she wears a few bracelets with different colors.

FLASH OF SHOT: Young Natalie’s hand wears mixed colors bracelets, the same bracelets.

Natalie moves her hand behind the table, hides it from others view...

NATALIE
Hey...

Everybody laughs quietly as David continues...

DAVID
--She then started to walk back and
forth by the window talking nonsense.
Something about the connection, but I
can’t recall it. And then she admitted
to me that she is... you know, something
else. But I didn’t believe her then I
asked her to prove herself what she said
she was. First she disagree but then she
picked up one hand face her palm toward
a book, my story book. The book started
floating into the air--

MONTAGE

A) Young Nathalie picks up her right hand, palm faces toward a study desk. A book starts floating into the air. It opens page to page then slowly glides toward young David and hovering over his head.

B) Young David looks at the book following it without closing his eyes. He slowly stands up; the book floats very close to him. Young David picks up his hand...

DAVID (CONT’D)
--And then Mom opened the door and told
me to go to sleep. The girl wished me a
happy birthday then I went to sleep.--

David pauses, picks up a bottle of beer, takes a sip. He stands up and walks around the table toward Natalie.

DAVID (CONT’D)
--At my birthday party, I saw her
again. She stood by the stair waving
her hand at me. Mom was pregnant Nate
back then. She wanted Nate to say hi
to me from inside her belly, she grabbed
my hand and put it on her belly
pretended to be Nate and wished me
happy birthday. I turned to the stair
where the girl was standing; but she
wasn’t there, I saw a white light,
sized about a fist big.--

David shows them his fist...

FLASH OF SHOT: Young Natalie disappears and turns into a bright white light; flies fast toward a pregnant woman, hits Young David’s hand and slowly disappears into the woman’s belly.

David continues...

DAVID (CONT’D)
--It flew fast toward mom’s belly,
it hit my hand on her belly then
disappeared into the belly.

David walks closer to Natalie.

DAVID (CONT’D)
--Later that day, Mom gave birth
to a baby girl, a cute baby girl.--

Natalie chuckles and chokes on her food.

David continues...

DAVID (CONT’D)
--We both now share the same birthday,
Nate and I. My baby sister and I.

David leans to kiss Natalie on her head, everybody stands up, cheers and claps but David holds his hand up...

DAVID (CONT’D)
Wait! I’m not finished yet.

Everybody laughs and sits back down...

DAVID (CONT’D)
Don’t you want to know how Nate was
named? At the beginning when the girl
introduced herself, she said her name
was Natalie. I didn’t want to spoil
the story.

David smiles and everybody stands up again, cheers and claps one more time.

Samantha picks up a bottle of beer, smiles and...

SAMANTHA
To David... and Natalie...

Everybody cheers and gulps their drinks then sits back down, continues talking, eating and laughing.

For a start ...

INT. DINING TABLE - NIGHT

... isn't a location --

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Everybody including Natalie and Christian; sits at a dining table; eating, talking and laughing.
-- I don't know what has come before this scene, so I've no idea who 'everybody' is.
-- You're mis-using your semi-colons.

## Everybody quiets ...
-- Everybody quietens ...

And then David's dialogue is very long.

I've not seen 'FLASH OF SHOT' used before - not saying it's not valid, just ... are you sure?

## hides it from others view...
-- hides it from others' view.
-- hides it from view.
-- Hidden.

You've put in a montage ... ? But it looks more like a FLASHBACK - unless I'm reading it wrong? But then it's also ordered correctly (chronologically) so it's written like a Series of Shots ... ?

FLASH OF SHOT <<<< I invented it lolz... Maybe we can just call it SHOT or INSERT SHOT? So, what really fit there, I wonder? What's the word for it?

Replace MONTAGE with SERIES OF SHOTS. It's a scene but I don't want to call it flashback since it doesn't happen in the full version. It's only just a story David tells. It doesn't have to happen in the previous scene to call it a flashback, does it?

Check out this scene:

EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY

A song plays on the radio in a car. Christian drives, Natalie sits on the passenger side.

Natalie and Christian; both sing along...

NATE & CHRIS
The sun goes down, the stars come out,
and all that counts, is here and now,
my universe will never be the same,
I’m glad you came, I'm glad you came...

A cell phone rings, Natalie picks up the phone and answers as Christian turns down the music.

NATALIE
Hello, hey... Sarah, hi.

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION

SARAH
Hey,... are you and Chris coming?

NATALIE
Yes, we are. We’re on our way there
right now. Save us some foods.

SARAH
Don’t worry! We cooked all the #1 on
your brother’s menu. There’re plenty
of foods. Just get yourself here.
We’re waiting for you two.

NATALIE
Thank you. Bye.

Christian turns the music louder and again they sing along.

Their car drives farther and further away on the highway.

Yeah - this has got more of a rhythm of a true script - the feeling is there. You're still abusing those semi-colons, though, and normally you'd INTERCUT between two scenes, so --

NATALIE
Hello, hey... Sarah, hi.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SARAH'S HOUSE - DAY

SARAH
Hey,... are you and Chris coming?

... and then just end with whoever talked last.

... but watch out for:

EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY

A song plays on the radio in a car. Christian drives, Natalie sits on the passenger side.

-------------------

EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY

A car streaks along the highway

INT. CAR - DAY

A song plays on the radio in the car. Christian drives, Natalie in the passenger side.

(because the car has already been referenced ... )

EXT. MODERN HOUSE – DAY

NATALIE, 18, David’s younger sister, sits on the grass in front of the house... sits next to her, her boyfriend, CHRISTIAN, 19, he picks up a small rock and throws it to the front.

Natalie turns to Christian...

NATALIE
They seem serious about sending you
there. Do you want to go there?

CHRISTIAN
I don’t know. I want to be an engineer.
     (pauses)
When they pushed I kind of change my
mind a little but med school is going
to be a long way, I’m afraid I can’t
finish it. It sounds tough just to
hear it.

NATALIE
One of your cousins in med school,
right?

CHRISTIAN
Yeah, but she hasn’t finished it...

Natalie cuts in...

NATALIE
I think you can do it.

Christian turns faces down... then turns to Natalie...

CHRISTIAN
You think so?

NATALIE
Yeah... not because you tough but
because you’re smart. Your GPA score
will get you anywhere you want to be
plus those free scholarships...

CHRISTIAN
Yeah, maybe smart isn’t good enough.

NATALIE
Mm... Maybe you’re right. You’re smart
but not tough. You NEED it. I agree.

Christian turns at Natalie... she smiles, stands up, tries to put on her shoes...

CHRISTIAN
Oh yeah... you agree, huh?

Christian reaches to Natalie, she flicks off the shoes and runs... Christian grabs her jean but loose... Natalie laughs -- escapes.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Where you think you’re going.

Christian gets up, chases Natalie from behind... he catches her and hugs... Natalie screams -- laughs.

Deleted scene: I realized David's too drunk to make it back to his apartment. I rewrite a new similar scene make him not that drunk. 30%  to the ending.

A sound of keys chain drops then the door being unlock again.

Samantha, curious, she turns, gets off the sofa and walk to the door. Samantha leans closer to the door and listens.

She pulls the door open... David drops face down on the floor in front of Samantha. A half pint bottle of liquor, almost empty, rolls out of David’s pocket along with a paper bag.

Samantha calls for April...

SAMANTHA
April!

     No answer.

SAMANTHA (CONT’D)
April, he’s drunk. I need help.

April walks to them; she looks at David then turns to Samantha, confused...

APRIL
What happened!

Samantha turns to the bottle as a signal to the answer.

David tries to get up, Samantha grabs his arm, puts it on her shoulder... April grabs the other arm; both HAUL David into the living room. All three the same time, sit down on the sofa.

David

Pointless scene, cost me 2 pages.

INT. A RESTAURANT – DAY

Michael sits facing David at a table... quiet. David keeps staring at Michael... Michael looks confused.

MICHAEL
What... What are we doing here?

DAVID
Yeah, we decided to meet here before
taking you home.

MICHAEL
Who?

DAVID
Who do you think?

David shifts his eyes away... Michael follows.

Sarah, Natalie and Christian ENTER the restaurant. Sarah talks to the host... they walk toward David and Michael.

Natalie walks pass Michael, turns to him -- waves...

NATALIE
Hey, Mike!

Michael waves back...

MICHAEL
Hey... (soft)

David stands up... Natalie walks closer. David grabs Natalie’s head, leans to kiss on the side. Natalie sits down next to David.

Christian, from behind, pats on Michael’s back, leans closer...

CHRISTIAN
What’s up, man!

MICHAEL
Hi, Chris.

Christian turns to David, grabs his hand... the two bump shoulders and tab. Christian turns to sit to Michael’s left next to Natalie.

Sarah walks to Michael, pushes him on his head. Michael turns to look...

MICHAEL
Hey, Sar...

SARAH
Hey...

Sarah walks to David... the two hugs. Sarah let go but David keeps hugging... Natalie looks at them -- smiles.

David let go off Sarah... she wipes off her tears. David’s eyes turn red -- fill with tears.

Everybody’s quiet.

Sarah keeps wiping off her tears. She turns to Michael, holds down his chin... moves to look at the bruise. She swings her hand on Michael’s head...

MICHAEL
Ow!

Natalie and Christian chuckle. Natalie hands Sarah a napkin.
Sarah reaches back... Christian picks up the napkin box, places it in front of Sarah... she chuckles, throw a piece back at him. Natalie hits Christian.

A waitress walks closer... hands them menus.

I've just made some corrections to the script, the Visit, also change some dialogs and resubmitted. I've also changed the log line. If you notice it changes, it should be reuploaded.

Just a tip: Young David's friends, young boy and young girl in the Visit are Michael and Samantha in full version. I was about to turn the young girl into Sarah who is David's girlfriend in the full version but the idea came later after I killed Samantha and realized that the young girl told David about her dream in the Visit. And that makes me feel she seems has more connection to Samantha than Sarah. Plus, I've already made Sarah broke up with David to add more twists in the story.

Since I'm closed to the ending, the full version will be called, "the Connection" it represents David as the main character and I won't reveal the female main character until I finish the script. I'm at page 84 which is the act 3 of the script, conclusion, and it's a bitch because a few ideas are racing in my head as I want to end the story in the interesting way. Also, I'm still worried about the edition to the script and that just double the bitches. Lolz,...

I take a break from the Connection to refine the Visit. Yes, I've made change to it again lolz...

The Visit - Introduce Natalie first as she is the lead then David. I've turned young boy and young girl into Michael and Samantha. Also inserted scenes and changed some dialogs. Everything looks a lot in order now but still not perfect.

At page 100 of the Connecion, about 20-30 pages toward the ending.

Charracters in the Connection:

David - The Connection
April - Female lead character

Michael - David's best friend
Samantha - David's best friend/Michael's girlfriend

Natalie - David's younger sister
Christian - Natalie's boyfriend/April's cousin

Sarah - David's girlfriend/Samantha's friend
Erik - David's head chef/Sarah's lover aka fiance

John - David and Natalie's father
Debra - David and Natalie's mother

Philip - April's father
Anne - April's mother

Kate - Christian's mother
Steve - Christian's father

Young David
Young Natalie
The strange man
The surgeon
The man in bar
The couple
Bla bla...
Teddy bear lolz...

Deleted scene. I used it to connect between scenes but I just came up with a new idea and figured I don't need it.

Natalie presses the button, looks through the pictures. She smiles, chuckles, quietly.

INT. MICHAEL’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN - EVENING

April still stands at the corner, leans against the wall – one foot off the floor, on the wall.

Samantha stands facing Michael.

SAMANTHA
We think Lilly can see her. She sees
the bear...

MICHAEL
You think?

Samantha nods as Michael brushes her hair behind her ear.

David walks in the hallway – from the back.

April turns at David – the two look at each other. David reaches April, grabs her head – the two kiss.

April still looks nervous.

DAVID
It’s ok.

April nods – David leans to kiss her on forehead. He walks backward a few steps, nods back. Turns to the living room.

David ENTERS the living room.

He finds Natalie holding the camera...

DAVID (CONT’D)
Where’d you find that camera?

Natalie still focuses on the camera...

NATALIE
Oh, it’s right down there between
the couches.

At page 114 - 21,251 words. Since the above scene deleted, I'm now back at 113 - 21,096.

More to come. Thanks!

Deleted scene.

A lady sits in a wheelchair, slowly pushes out of a corner by a nurse, turns in front of David. David quickly JUMPS to the wall, runs on the wall over the lady on the wheelchair - She sits still, doesn’t move a muscle -- The nurse covers her head with both hands, DUCKS away from David, turns to look as David passes her, drops back down the floor, facing her...

DAVID
(softly)
Sorry!

David rushes to turn around -- Aprils stands waiting, flashes a short smile -- He grabs her hand, drags away.

Page 130 - Words 24,295 -- Few more pages to go.

Working on the ending. Treatment is NEXT.

I lmao after read your post, literally. I was completely expected something else different. A feedback, I supposed.

Quoted from irish eyes Do you have a finished script or not? Why not read other scripts and them feedback?

Yes, I do have a finished script, it's called the Visit. Lolz... And it's in a battle of turning into a general standard screenplay format. And I didn't read other script because I tried to focus on writting the full version of the Visit while the ideas are still awhole in my head.

               JRyans
        (whispers)
   Sorry!

Since I'm this closed to the ending, I'm on my way to read other scripts now.

Hey James

Saw this one had a re-write, so I thought I'd see what you've changed with it.

In my last comment, I said that the story wasn't for me. I'm afraid it's the same this time round. The added scene at the start really didn't go down too well, IMO. I didn't actually finish reading the re-write, to be honest. The story was a lot slower than last time round, so I ended up giving up.

I think this script has down-graded. There are more grammar issues and you tend to over-write a whole lot in this one.

Sorry. I did give it another go, but I just don't think the story does it for me.

I also agree with irish eyes. Think you should make more of an appearance on other scripts, rather than just your own. It's really quite unfair on the people who take time to read this AND to give you feedback. If we take time out of our day to help you out, why can't you do the same?

Daniel

Quoted from danbotha I think this script has down-graded. There are more grammar issues and you tend to over-write a whole lot in this one.

This does tend to happen; re-writing is a trickier skill that many people first expect.

Quoted from danbotha you should make more of an appearance on other scripts

It's also a great way to learn - you'll improve, no doubt, if you read other people's work as well as gaining a little kudos from people.

I have problem controlling my own brain. Lolz... I don't read other scripts because I don't want the story that already created in my head to change. I might not comment on those I've already read but I assure you, I did read a few and only certain scripts that I choose to read. The scripts that have the story lines related to mine or I think they do. And when I choose one, I don't care the story is bad or the written is, I would continue until the end.

The thing is, after I read it, my brain will manipulate to create a similar idea to what I read. And that is what I don't like about because I want the brain itself to originate the idea, not copies from other's. Would you like to hear someone says, "Hey, that's my idea. He stole it from me." To me, it's a big NICHT! NICHT! Even the other the way around. This is how I do, I tend to finish my script first then read other's. To do that I wouldn't get confused by injecting the new idea into my own story.

You said youself that you couldn't finish reading my script, TWICE, because the story isn't really your type. Well, you should know by now or should you not? that other would feel the same way. The different is that when I start, I don't stop until I'm done with it. I don't leave it half way, 17 pages, ain't nothing. I'm going to finished its full version, about 140 pages. You would drown yourself to death if you even dare to take a glimpse at it since you already have a problem with the 17 pages. Tell you what, the Visit is just a little piece of pinky nail that cut off from its full version.

The reason I tossed the Visit in here is because I want to see how far it would go ,the same time, I want to learn about the format, especially, the language they use in the script. As you know, I have a lot of gramatical issues in the script that is my most concern and the format I can learn from elsewhere, they all are pretty much alike.

Quoted from danbotha I think this script has down-graded. There are more grammar issues and you tend to over-write a whole lot in this one.

So, why don't you point out the error that you find in the first page or in your case, first paragraph (lolz) and have it corrected. I would very appreciate because that is what I'm really here for, to have it CORRECTED!

James

Okay, so my last review was a little brief and I'll have a look over and provide some more feedback as my last one was a little vague. We are all here to provide help and I admit that my last comment wasn't particularly helpful and I will get back with more, soon. Sorry about that.

As to knowing that I don't like the story... That doesn't mean I'm not going to try and finish it anyway and still try and help out a little. I know that someone out there will enjoy it (and you already have some feedback from people who did like this) and I wish to help in whatever way I can.

What you seem to misunderstand is there may be a longer version of this scripts, but I'm not reading the long version, yet, am I? I'm reading this as a short film, therefore disregarding anything you might have in another script. Your readers here aren't going to take the fact that there is a longer version being written into account.

Nevertheless, I'll take another look and provide some feedback that might actually help the progress of the script.

Apologies for any rudeness. I didn't intend for my comments to be that way. As already pointed out by Simon, scripts do down-grade during the re-write. He actually made a similar comment on one of my own scripts, recently.

Daniel

Haven't posted on this script yet, so I figured I might give it a shot.

Right off the bat, the first paragraphs are riddled with grammatical errors.  I'm not sure whether you just wrote this extremely quickly, not pausing to check for problems, or if English is your first language.  I don't mean to offend you by saying that, but it gives the impression that you are either typing fast or learning English when you forget entire words and phrases.  I've read scripts by foreign authors and it just gives the same vibes.

On page 5, you have two titles on the same black screen, "The Night Before" and "Visit".  This could make it hard for the viewer to understand which is the title.

Overall, the whole thing is confusing and hard to get through because of grammar and syntax issues.  This needs rewritten, but I'm not sure it could sustain 140 pages.  But maybe if you find more content...

Anyways, seeing as you don't want to read many scripts because you're afraid you might contaminate your vision with others', maybe after you're done writing this script you can read and comment on others to return the favor.  We'll be happy to have you; these people are taking time out of their day to help you, and it's only right they be treated as help, even if it isn't to your liking, and the favor should certainly be returned.

Quoted from danbotha Okay, so my last review was a little brief and I'll have a look over and provide some more feedback as my last one was a little vague. We are all here to provide help and I admit that my last comment wasn't particularly helpful and I will get back with more, soon. Sorry about that. As to knowing that I don't like the story... That doesn't mean I'm not going to try and finish it anyway and still try and help out a little. I know that someone out there will enjoy it (and you already have some feedback from people who did like this) and I wish to help in whatever way I can.

Please, do. Thanks.

Quoted from danbotha What you seem to misunderstand is there may be a longer version of this scripts, but I'm not reading the long version, yet, am I? I'm reading this as a short film, therefore disregarding anything you might have in another script. Your readers here aren't going to take the fact that there is a longer version being written into account.

What I meant up there was, if you can't keep up with a 17 pages then how can you handle an almost 10 times of its size? My point isn't just about my script but other's as well.

Quoted from danbotha Apologies for any rudeness. I didn't intend for my comments to be that way. As already pointed out by Simon, scripts do down-grade during the re-write. He actually made a similar comment on one of my own scripts, recently.

You don't need to apologize. There's nothing you said offends me and that I was only expressed myself to your post, that is all. It wasn't a rage. Infact, I am a very patient person who can't wait to have my script rewritten in a proper way. Lolz...

It kind of bothers me when someone said, "Ok, the script is down-graded." Then... BAM! left without concept of a notion. Why not indicate a scene or a paragraph or at lease, a sentence to what can be done to correct it. It's leaving me a doubt of my work for not being known of what IS the problem.

Right. Bit busy at the moment, but I'll have a more detailed review up in a couple days... maybe a week.

Quoted from Gage Haven't posted on this script yet, so I figured I might give it a shot.

Thanks.

Quoted from Gage Right off the bat, the first paragraphs are riddled with grammatical errors.  I'm not sure whether you just wrote this extremely quickly, not pausing to check for problems, or if English is your first language.  I don't mean to offend you by saying that, but it gives the impression that you are either typing fast or learning English when you forget entire words and phrases.  I've read scripts by foreign authors and it just gives the same vibes.

You're right, English isn't my first language. It actualy is a forth. The first two had been wiped out by the third and now the forth, English, is trying to take over the third. Why was that? I was born in a family who spoke three languages, fluently. We lived in a border between two countries so, we spoke both languages of those countries. Imagine most people from down south states speak English and Spanish. But I'm not latin.

And it happened that one of the two languages I was influent in didn't belong to one of the countries. It actually was from my ancestor. Ok, stay with me, don't get confused. Lolz... After we moved into the capital city, I went to school that was when I started to adapt the third one. The first two languages, I couldn't read or write but only spoke. While living in the city, everybody spoke the third language and the lack of speaking of the first two in the family, that was how the third one took over. Plus, I was too young back then when I was speaking the first two. I was only three or four, five at most. I can still remember when we first moved into the city, I would cry over the language(the third) that people spoke because I couldn't understand.

Now here I am in America struggling to learn English, not only just for speaking to communicate with people but in the process, I want to be a professional writer, a screenwriter to be exact.

Quoted from Gage On page 5, you have two titles on the same black screen, "The Night Before" and "Visit".  This could make it hard for the viewer to understand which is the title.

This is exactly what I really want, but I need you to be more specific. Point out to remove either one of those and give the reason why. And this is how I see it when I was writing, imagine on a big screen; the title "The night before" flashes at the bottom right corner of the screen when it cut from the earlier scene then the other one(make it bigger as a standard movie title) flashes in the middle of the screen in the next scene(David's room) to indicate it's the main title of the story/movie.

Quoted from Gage Overall, the whole thing is confusing and hard to get through because of grammar and syntax issues.  This needs rewritten, but I'm not sure it could sustain 140 pages.  But maybe if you find more content...

I'm not a liar. Lolz... I'm at page 130 and already outlined the wrap-up but I hold on to it because if I finish it, I'll start to write the next title which I can't wait to put it on the papers. I tend to have the Visit fixed then use it do the rework on the full version. So, I don't have to carry more than one unpolished script.

Quoted from Gage Anyways, seeing as you don't want to read many scripts because you're afraid you might contaminate your vision with others', maybe after you're done writing this script you can read and comment on others to return the favor.  We'll be happy to have you; these people are taking time out of their day to help you, and it's only right they be treated as help, even if it isn't to your liking, and the favor should certainly be returned.

What could I possibly post or give other feedback since I can't even have my own script fixed? I figure, my comment would be pointless. Don't you think?

Great job on writing in a fourth language, that must take a great deal of concentration.  Good on you for that.

I wouldn't say remove either one of the supers, but just make one of them appear, then have some sort of relevant image, and then the other.  Maybe super the "night before" over the action, this way there is no confusion.

Sorry, I hadn't read all four pages of this thread and I was not aware that you were just about done on the feature.  I thought you were only planning to expand on the short, but had not yet done it.

As far as giving the feedback, I've only written two scripts in my entire life, and neither of them are amazing, but my feedback doesn't seem to repulse anyone here (or if it does, they have not yet told me).  All I'm suggesting is that once your script is finished, you pop on over to other scripts to help other writers as they have done for you.

Quoted from JR What could I possibly post or give other feedback since I can't even have my own script fixed? I figure, my comment would be pointless. Don't you think?

1.It's easy to simply say you like it or you don't like it, and I think you'll find reasons come easily yo mind.

2. Reading other scripts is one of the best ways to improve your own writing - that's from my personal experience, and many others will echo that. Reading other scripts won't 'contaminate' your thinking - I can pretty much  assure you of that, and I think you'll be surprised as to how much your learning curve goes up. Try it and see. Give yourself a week of reading - stick a couple of comments down, and then go back to your own script. I think you'll be enlightened some.

You guys really want to infect me with your scripts, don't you? Lol...

My next genre is about war, action, adventure. I already started to outline but before I stream it into a script, I'd like you guys appoint me a few scripts about war. That way, I can fulfill your contentment by "contaminating" my idea with it(s).

Meanwhile, I have a question for Simon, is that what they call you. Since you're the first who interested in the Visit and commented on it, I wonder if you can to help me rewrite it(the Visit) in your own words, not altering the story but convert my words into yours. If you agree, I'd like you to drop Samantha and Michael's names back to young girl and boy because the story should only focus on four characters; Natalie, David and their parents. And you'll be accredited as co-writer. It's only 17 pages, you could have it done in no time.

Let me know. Thanks!

P-s, Simon, you seem to be everywhere. Can you pitch me a few scripts of war which you think it's worth reading. Appreciate.

... cheers - give me an easy life, why don't you?  

War movie scripts NOT on SS:
Three Kings (David O Russell): It's a shooting script, so I'd be careful with this one - mainly focus on the dialogue. http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/threekings_shootingdraft.pdf

Pearl Harbour (Randall Wallace): http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Pearl-Harbor.html

Schindler's List (Steven Zaillian): http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Schindler's-List.html

The Pianist (Ronald Harwood): http://www.weeklyscript.com/Pianist,%20The.txt

War Horse (Lee Hall and Richard Curtis): http://dreamworkspicturesawards.com/_pdf/war_horse.pdf

On SS:

Maybe try:
http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/THEBRAVE5-28-0909-07-2009.pdf

Quoted from JR You guys really want to infect me with your scripts, don't you? Lol...

Yes, we do!

Trust me, James. Commenting on other scripts teaches you more than just receiving feedback on your own work. And besides, it's what we do here at SS

If people don't like your opinion, they can get over it, can't they?

Hey James,

I’ve seen you busy recently on the site although all the action seems to be taking place here so why not take a peek and see what all the fuss is about.

Firstly, I’m going to agree with everybody else and you should start reading and leaving feedback on other peeps scripts, its quid pro quo around here.

Also I’m a bit taken back about your reaction to some of the feedback which you should be grateful for and not expecting reader’s to point out every single mistake they see. I’m sorry but I have no idea why Dan is apologising to you here… if anything it should be the other way round. I mean all you had to say was “thanks for the read, Dan… would you mind elaborating on the areas which made you stop reading so I can improve them”

Instead you state if he can’t handle 17 pages, how is he going to handle longer scripts…huh? The guy just states the story isn’t for him. Why read 100 pages of something you’re not interested in.  I’m just amazed to your reaction to somebody who has commented on your script twice and is trying to help you.

As for this:

Quoted from JR I don't read other scripts because I don't want the story that already created in my head to change. The thing is, after I read it, my brain will manipulate to create a similar idea to what I read. And that is what I don't like about because I want the brain itself to originate the idea, not copies from other's.

I actually agree with your theory but again I’m sorry because it’s absolute nonsense really, unless you’re living in a single room with just your script in front of you.

The brain’s an amazing thing and it picks up information of every second of every day. If you watch a movie, listen to music, play a game, read a newspaper even if you’re waiting at a bus stop you’re taking in your surroundings and taking in new information. I promise you that your idea won’t get contaminated by this nor will it if you read another script on here… I’m not expecting dinosaurs to appear in Visit because you watched Jurassic Park last night and neither should you.

Anyway onto the script:

There are lots of grammar issues throughout but I understand English isn’t your first language? It also reads very awkward in places, lot’s of sentences which come off confusing.

Some simple things like failed to cap characters on first intro, try to keep the action to 4 lines max and some of the parenchticals look wrong towards the end.  Try to write out numbers in the dialogue and try not to use words excessively like “looks” and cut down on the “eyebrows merging” I think he did this three times in quick succession.

The dialogue needs a lot of work, there’s no fluency to their voices and they come off a bit like robots at the moment.

P.1 “At the front of a house” We know this by the slug, a way of tightening your action is not to repeat details you’ve already told us. Also what is a “modern house” why not “David’s house” or if we knew their surname “Smith residence – front garden” Something more personalised here as we never leave this location, the house is the backdrop to every scene and seems like it needs more personality than just modern house. Just a thought

“fills with birthday’s decoration” should be “filled with birthday decorations” but then it doesn’t read right at all because we’re outside.

“others sit and stand quietly playing by the swing.” Kids QUIETLY playing… I know this is not true especially when in a group.

“DAVID, 9, sits on a swing” Repeated information again here, cut one of these out. Personally I would concentrate on
David, that’s who your audience to focus on.

“a boy and a girl” Cap them and better yet, give them names as they talk and it’s becomes confusing when one asks if it’s a boy or a girl.

“Have you ever seen... ghost?” “ever seen a… ghost”

“I’ve seen one last night.” or “I saw one last night”

“I used to dream about a ghost was chasing me” missing “that” before was.

P.2 “but a lot of things that scary happen in our dream.” Or “But a lot of scary things happen in our dreams” I have to be honest though and say I don’t any of the dialogue here by the kids. It doesn’t read realistic to me.

Anyway, I didn’t go through the whole script doing notes, just the first page but hopefully it helps you here.

The good news is that I actually like the concept here but not the execution. The idea that the spirit of an unborn child can visit their brother is a good idea and I can see potential here to further develop it.

One aspect that confused me is why she is visiting him at all? What’s the purpose? And why not touch his mother and start pregnancy, sure it would be a bit premature but not life threatening at 8 months… some woman love him to touch her and get all the waiting out the way.

I also have to question David asking her to move something when she claims it will shorten her life… I mean to shorten your sister’s life over a book, seems a bit selfish.

I would have liked some different spin, a kind of warming from Natalie about a complicated birth and how David has to persuade his mother to go to the hospital now before it’s too late.

I wish all the best with your intended feature.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hey coop,

Thanks for the feedback. They actually are useful. Also Simon helps me shapes it out and I'm at very last page now. Just a few more slightly changes at the end then it'll be wrapped.

ANyway, I'm working on a second feature lenght and having a hard time to hunt down the script of "Tears of the sun" starred bruce willis. I want a pdf version but can't seem find it anywhere on the web. Can somebody help me with it. Very much appreciate.

Jimmy,

Dialgue is the best that I could do, sorry.

http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/t/tears-of-the-sun-script.html

Thanks Simon,

Actually, that's what I got in the first place when I started to find the pdf file to download. I'd read it but didn't get through the whole thing. I had to imagine the charaters talking to each other because you wouldn't know who was talking to whom. It splitted my head in half for trying to gather back the image of the movie that I saw only once several years back but the vision was too blurry to track, so I gave up.

I'm looking for the action description of the part that bruce willis and his team raid a building where the bad guy cut off a woman's breasts. I still remember it gave me goosbump while watching the part.

And now I'm trying to fingure out other movies that I have watched sustain a raid to a building. I already have the vision but to describe it kind of giving me "pause." But I read the losers where they try to extrat the children out of a building. I haven't tried three kings yet. I also want to try a-team because it contains a lot of shooting actions in it.

Anyway, Thannks again.

Jimmy.

Wat'up there, Peeps,

The revived script of the Visit has up. Simon had been patient with me for changing and adding here and there while he's still working on it. Now he completely ignores the Visit after I handed him Tommy. Lolz... No offense, Simon. Only a sense of humor. So, can some of you take a look at it and give feedback because I just added a few sentences. I'm sure there are few other slight mistakes still persist.

Thanks,

Jimmy.

Ps- Some of you complained about hard to get through while reading it. Well, now it's readable. Please, go check it out. Peace!!!

Just realized, "why the heck I have Sam and Mike in the script?" They did nothing but slowing down the story. Instead of removing them, I've come up with an idea to write another short version of it, about David and his friends to fit the story in together. It confused me because I was writing the feature version, the Connection, it focused on the 3 of them, David, Mike and Sammy.

Now I know why some of you said it's down-graded, it's because it was. Well, a little late to change now so, i'm just gonna go with it and write a side story to have them fit in. It won't take long, because I already have the vision.

It's funny when you get a little better on doing something and come back to see your earlier works, it kind of giving you "a kind of feeling" that you realize what lack of yourself about them.

Cheer all!

Jimmy.

Quoted from JR Just realized, "why the heck I have Sam and Mike in the script?"

Mmmm. Yeah - echoed. Just so you realize - you spelled my surname wrong  ...  

Quoted from Forgive you spelled my surname wrong

So I see the famous Mr.Calligan is now a co-writer on this now.

I gave this another quick glance, more because Simon's a contributing member and deserves reads but I wondered how much you were involved, Simon?

I can see your influence in the action, it's a lot neater and tighter, but I was surprised by some schoolboy errors. Also the amount of typo's and unrealistic dialogue which was filtered throughout.

I couldn't see much difference in the story to be honest, it plays out the same as last time and I'm still unsure as to the whole meaning of it.

It's good to see writer’s collaborating though, we don't see enough of that. Guess it can sometimes cause arguments.

Cheers,

Steve

Quoted from CoopBazinga I can see your influence in the action, it's a lot neater and tighter,

why thankee, kind sir.

Quoted from CoopBazinga but I was surprised by some schoolboy errors ... & the amount of typo's

Blame Celtx.

Quoted from CoopBazinga and unrealistic dialogue which was filtered throughout.

Blame JRyan.

Quoted from CoopBazinga I couldn't see much difference in the story to be honest,

I never touched the story.

See? Compliments to me; criticisms to Jimmy. Just how it should be.  

Coop,

No offense. You either skipped read or only read the first few pages of the script. The only way to know what's going on in the story is to read the whole thing. Simple, eh? You said you're not sure the whole meaning of the story. What, are you smoking? lolz... did you read the logline? do you even know why it's called the Visit?

...unrealistic dialogue which was filtered throughout. <<< really, are you high?

One question, Coop, what are you really doing here in SS? I see you have more than 600 posts but only one blond joke... I don't mean that. Only one short script delivered, 9pages.

Jimmy.

Quoted from JR One question, Coop, what are you really doing here in SS?

best calm this down before we get out of hand - Coop's one of the biggest readers here, and gives a lot of feedback - and that's what a lot of people are looking for - he's also posted a quality script to a recent OWC which you may not have come across.

It's really different sides of the coin -- peeps have commented that some people tend to concentrate only on their own scripts ... so no-one's perfect, eh?

Quoted from JR No offense. You either skipped read or only read the first few pages of the script. The only way to know what's going on in the story is to read the whole thing. Simple, eh? You said you're not sure the whole meaning of the story. What, are you smoking? lolz... did you read the logline? do you even know why it's called the Visit? ...unrealistic dialogue which was filtered throughout. <<< really, are you high? One question, Coop, what are you really doing here in SS? I see you have more than 600 posts but only one blond joke... I don't mean that. Only one short script delivered, 9pages. Jimmy.

Jimmy, when are you going to learn to take a little bit of constructive criticism, thank the reviewer and move on. Seriously, mate, this isn't the first time I've seen this from you and quite frankly I think you need to appreciate what people do for you a little more.

I don't have to take the time out of my day to reply to you and neither does Steve. Not to mention the fact that if you look on any forum on this website, you'll notice that Coop has been there.

You need to start accepting the many errors which you have in this script, overcome them and prove to us that you have a good story in there. Getting stroppy over your reviews isn't going to get you anywhere. Get rid of that chip on your shoulder and start accepting the help we're trying to give.

I also see this the perfect opportunity to ask what are YOU doing on SS? Steve already has one up on you by at least posting one decent script, so I don't think you're in a position to ask that. Serious loss of respect for you, man.

Daniel

Quoted from JR Coop, No offense. You either skipped read or only read the first few pages of the script. The only way to know what's going on in the story is to read the whole thing. Simple, eh? You said you're not sure the whole meaning of the story. What, are you smoking? lolz... did you read the logline? do you even know why it's called the Visit? ...unrealistic dialogue which was filtered throughout. <<< really, are you high? One question, Coop, what are you really doing here in SS? I see you have more than 600 posts but only one blond joke... I don't mean that. Only one short script delivered, 9pages. Jimmy.

Jimmy, pull your head out.

Coop contributes a huge amount on SS and if you piss him and others off you may as well pack your bags and move on.

People on SS are trying to help and many have much more knowledge than you.

Be nice to others, take what they say and improve your upcoming skill.

Go in the right direction or fold.

Lol...

It seems that people pay more attention to what I've said(posted) than what I've created in the script(s). Maybe in the reality, people would interested in my real life than the story I am trying to tell.

What I can really hear out of you who take offense for Coop than himself is that you've answered my question, "what are you really doing here, Coop?". But I did say, "no offense" before asking the question.

To Dan, I'll take anything you said but one. You said you don't think I'm in a position to ask Coop that question. Well, I don't know what New Zealand have in their Constitution if they have one, but in the U.S. we have the right to ask any question. We have the right to dig out any answer to any doubt. It's one of the right from the first amendment and it's called, "freedom of speech." So, please...

To Alex, seriousely? fold? lmao... You don't like what I said, turn around and keep walking beacuse "you're not in a position to tell me that." <<< Lol... Just kidding, Alex. Of what you said there, it just a ticklish because I did lol over it.

Guys, I really appreciate that you team up and back up for people you like. And that's is what I want. Instead of paying attention to what I said, why don't you take those time and pick a scene from my script and tell me what need to be corrected that'll improve on my script(s). Honestly, I thirst for feedbacks over my script, but not the feedback over my attitude. Maybe my typos or maybe my english isn't perfect. Huh.. watt ded yau sey? Lolz...

Cheer, peeps.

Jimmy.

P.s. The Visit 2.0(the Connection) and Tommy 2(Lelia) are on their ways. Soon will be released. Waiting on Simon.

Quoted from JR Lol... in the U.S. we have the right to ask any question. We have the right to dig out any answer to any doubt. It's one of the right from the first amendment and it's called, "freedom of speech." So, please...

Are you sure about that?  Been to the airports lately?  Heard the reports coming in of people being ticketed for simply cussing in public?  Heard the inklings of words being stricken from our dialect, regardless of how offensive, trivial or inept they may be?

We might have a constitution here in America... but we damn sure don't use it or practice it.

Anyways, I'm not about to jump into the actual argument as I've not read the script... It might be amazing.   I don't know.  But, as someone whose been in and around this site off and on since as far back as I can remember -- The close knit group of SS tend to pack themselves pretty tight.  Better bring your own key to tap the sardine can, man.  


EDIT: Since the script is only 18 pages I'll give it a look...  I'm rather busy these days training in the gym and teaching my daughter why peanut-butter doesn't make good paint.

Quoted from JR To Dan, I'll take anything you said but one. You said you don't think I'm in a position to ask Coop that question. Well, I don't know what New Zealand have in their Constitution if they have one, but in the U.S. we have the right to ask any question. We have the right to dig out any answer to any doubt. It's one of the right from the first amendment and it's called, "freedom of speech." So, please...

Freedom of speech has nothing to do with it, Jimmy. However, it has everything to do with common courtesy. A guy helps you out, you thank him and ask him to clarify anything that you don't understand, rather than accusing him of being high! Steve raised some good points (even though they may have been generalized) and it would do you well to have a good read through his comments.

Since you have no problem with freedom of speech, why did you immediately start accusing Steve of being high? He was expressing an opinion about your work. Is that not freedom of speech?

I still think you need to be a little more appreciative of what we do for you. That's something I wont back down from.

Daniel

The main thing I struggled with on this script was down to formatting... I simply don't like how it was written.  Too many resources were used up in extending a visual.

The things I'm talking about all come down to preference though -- I can't tell you they are right, or wrong, or that someone won't buy your script and produce it.  But this is certainly not how I'd write a script...

Lots of orphans and little things that simple waste real-estate.  

WORDS unto themselves hover above slugs.  

You'll list a character onto their own line and then follow it with their action on another line, but they totally disregard your own formatting on the same page.  PAGE 6 and countless others to be exact.

It's just all too static.  Nothing seems to have any continuity or flow to it -- I think I've gotten down your habits and then all of a sudden you change them.  A writer must not only remain consistent in their story telling, but their format as well.  Have the format you want -- Have your own voice, but stick to it and don't stray from it.

You've almost taken bits and pieces from various forms and styles and tried to meld them into one.  Sounds good in theory, take the best parts and make a super format, but it never works out that way.  Moderation is key.  Pick and choose carefully...

Another thing that is a huge NO, and you'll find this out when you start paying people in positions of power to review your work, is that you never wanna break the flow of dialogue.  You have countless instances where someone will talk and then right underneath it you'll tell us what they're doing before the other person can speak.  This is called "mannerism infraction".  Let a conversation flow.

On page 7 you have David cutting in via action... Why?  A simple hypen after Lilly's mmm would be fine and then hypen the first part of David's speaking to show he's taken over.

For instance:

LILLY

Umm... mmm--

DAVID

--Stop it!

You also over do your scene headers, adding way too much information into them.  

"INT. MODERN HOUSE - OUTSIDE DAVID�S ROOM - NIGHT"

Really?  Hell, if the line wouldn't have broke I bet you could fit something else in there -- Time of night, perhaps?

INT. DAVID'S ROOM - NIGHT

The door to David's room is flung open.


Things like "A moment later..."  None of that needs to be in here.  And there are just so many instances of these tiny things that add and stack up.

On page 16 you need to add "OVER ON THE PILLOW" or simply "ON PILLOW".

CUT TO BLACK:  ???  
FADE OUT:  ???

How about just FADE OUT, followed by a nice, properly positioned and spaced ""THE END"??  

---

I did manage to get through to the story here and it's a nice tale -- It's just not written very well.  The edges are sharp and ridged and certainly need to be chipped away into something more direct, clear and tuned.   Your biggest flaw, to me, is your writing being all over the place and never where it needs to be at any given time.

I'm not gonna sit here and tell you to be nicer to anyone, to take my advice, or any of that... Do what you want with what you're given here.  But an arrogant fool quickly becomes a simple fool once they're found out.

Quoted from Baltis. The main thing I struggled with on this script was down to formatting... The things I'm talking about all come down to preference though

Hi Baltis - thanks for the input.

JRyan asked me to do a re-write on this, as English wasn't his first language. I mainly trimmed a lot, as he asked me not to alter the story.

I do like mini-slugs, and the formatting that I've used is accepted - but I do understand that different people prefer to write in different ways.

Thanks for your input none-the-less.

Thanks Baltis,

That's one hell of a feedback. I don't know how I come up with this, but it does shake my head to light like poking on a flashing bulb. I'm not afraid to say, before it became this good, it was a completed piece of crap. Thanks to Simon, he put a lot of effort to it. More or less he's also credited in this.

You were right. I did take bits and pieces from various forms and melt them together, but the story origin did come from me. I see you find few errors in it and say that, "My biggest flaw, to you, is my writing being all over the place and never where it needs to be at any given time." Then you said it's a nice tale. That mean you got through the story just fine and you like it or kind of. Well, that's all I want. To tell the story. I don't really demand anything much out of it. As you said, "The edges are sharp and ridged and certainly need to be chipped away." This really means something and I am looking into it now.

Since you like this tale, I'm sure you'll like the second piece. It's the beginning of all of this. And the story a lot better. It'll be nice to have you have a look and give some more feedbacks when it released.

Very appreciated,

Jimmy.

Thanks Simon,

Quoted from Forgive JRyan asked me to do a re-write on this, as English wasn't his first language.

It's 4th. And the other 3 have faded almost vanished as English is taken over. Now I'm fluent in a broken language, English.

Cheer,

Jimmy.

Quoted from JR One question, Coop, what are you really doing here in SS? I see you have more than 600 posts but only one blond joke... I don't mean that. Only one short script delivered, 9pages.

You really know how to make friends....

Coop is one best contributors on the site, he takes his time out to help everyone else and proud to call him a great friend...

You on the other hand, has been nothing but arrogant and disrespectful to anybody that has attempted to give you any sort of feedback.... Why even bother to be on this site?

Mark

p.s. thanks for the pm to ask me to remove my previous comment.... You can do that yourself

I'm not too sure he's been overly rude... I can see one instance, reading back thru the thread, where he got defensive -- But it's his script.  We all jump to protect things we believe in, cherish or put massive amounts of effort into.  

If someone were to sit here and rip my script "Frostbite" apart for the sake of being critical to be critical, I'd probably be defensive, too... If for no other reason than the sheer amount of time, money, work and effort put into it.  If they were truly being honest and felt their issues were legit -- then, yeah, I'd listen with an attentive ear.  After all, everyone is a potential viewer for your work in the written or movie sense.

What I've read here in this thread seems, to me at least, to be little more than a few people being critical to be critical and no one in this thread offered the guy any "REAL" advice he could use to perfect his actual screenwriting.  They attacked the story on merits that, to me again, weren't big issues... The story works, it's solid and there is something worth seeing in this script.  

Help the guy with format -- His story is his story, not yours.  Let him tell it the way "HE" wants to tell it and stop trying to retool it for the sake of saying:

"yeah, I got him to change his story and it's just as much my story now as it is his."  

I don't know the guy from Mark... But if you truly want to keep members active, let them be.  You might not like how they are, but at least they are who they are.  And if you don't like how they are, ignore them.  Don't read their work.  Don't comment on their work.  

Quoted from Baltis. I'm not too sure he's been overly rude...

You sure about that? He's accused Coop of being high for simply voicing his opinion. For me, it's not that he has reacted negatively to the feedback, he's reacted negatively to the people who are trying to help him out.

I get that he's trying to defend his script and there's a certain amount of respect to him for standing his ground. At the same time, he's here to get feedback, so why not learn to deal with the negatives?

I get the sentiment here, and I'm one who's been guilty of taking feedback wrong.

JRyans has been a dick now and again, and I've pm'd him on this.

He's on a learning curve and we all take learning different ways.

It's easy for us to get on our high horses when he disrespects someone like Coop -- but then we all know what Coop's does -- JRyans doesn't - so I think his comments have been placed in ignorance more than defiance.

I don't know if he'll ever really contribute to the site in a valuable way, but maybe it's better to give people a chance -- I'm just thinking along the lines of persistent guidance more than kickin'. JMO.

Quoted from Forgive I don't know if he'll ever really contribute to the site in a valuable way, but maybe it's better to give people a chance -- I'm just thinking along the lines of persistent guidance more than kickin'. JMO.

I've said what I wanted to say. As of now, I'll go back to my normal self.

jryan, consider your chance given. I realise I've been a little unfair although I still stand by what I have said before.

Quoted from danbotha You sure about that? He's accused Coop of being high for simply voicing his opinion. For me, it's not that he has reacted negatively to the feedback, he's reacted negatively to the people who are trying to help him out. I get that he's trying to defend his script and there's a certain amount of respect to him for standing his ground. At the same time, he's here to get feedback, so why not learn to deal with the negatives?

C'mon... After years of Jeff, and prior to that myself, this stuff is lite...