Yeah - this has got more of a rhythm of a true script - the feeling is there. You're still abusing those semi-colons, though, and normally you'd INTERCUT between two scenes, so --

NATALIE
Hello, hey... Sarah, hi.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SARAH'S HOUSE - DAY

SARAH
Hey,... are you and Chris coming?

... and then just end with whoever talked last.

... but watch out for:

EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY

A song plays on the radio in a car. Christian drives, Natalie sits on the passenger side.

-------------------

EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY

A car streaks along the highway

INT. CAR - DAY

A song plays on the radio in the car. Christian drives, Natalie in the passenger side.

(because the car has already been referenced ... )

EXT. MODERN HOUSE – DAY

NATALIE, 18, David’s younger sister, sits on the grass in front of the house... sits next to her, her boyfriend, CHRISTIAN, 19, he picks up a small rock and throws it to the front.

Natalie turns to Christian...

NATALIE
They seem serious about sending you
there. Do you want to go there?

CHRISTIAN
I don’t know. I want to be an engineer.
     (pauses)
When they pushed I kind of change my
mind a little but med school is going
to be a long way, I’m afraid I can’t
finish it. It sounds tough just to
hear it.

NATALIE
One of your cousins in med school,
right?

CHRISTIAN
Yeah, but she hasn’t finished it...

Natalie cuts in...

NATALIE
I think you can do it.

Christian turns faces down... then turns to Natalie...

CHRISTIAN
You think so?

NATALIE
Yeah... not because you tough but
because you’re smart. Your GPA score
will get you anywhere you want to be
plus those free scholarships...

CHRISTIAN
Yeah, maybe smart isn’t good enough.

NATALIE
Mm... Maybe you’re right. You’re smart
but not tough. You NEED it. I agree.

Christian turns at Natalie... she smiles, stands up, tries to put on her shoes...

CHRISTIAN
Oh yeah... you agree, huh?

Christian reaches to Natalie, she flicks off the shoes and runs... Christian grabs her jean but loose... Natalie laughs -- escapes.

CHRISTIAN (CONT’D)
Where you think you’re going.

Christian gets up, chases Natalie from behind... he catches her and hugs... Natalie screams -- laughs.

Deleted scene: I realized David's too drunk to make it back to his apartment. I rewrite a new similar scene make him not that drunk. 30%  to the ending.

A sound of keys chain drops then the door being unlock again.

Samantha, curious, she turns, gets off the sofa and walk to the door. Samantha leans closer to the door and listens.

She pulls the door open... David drops face down on the floor in front of Samantha. A half pint bottle of liquor, almost empty, rolls out of David’s pocket along with a paper bag.

Samantha calls for April...

SAMANTHA
April!

     No answer.

SAMANTHA (CONT’D)
April, he’s drunk. I need help.

April walks to them; she looks at David then turns to Samantha, confused...

APRIL
What happened!

Samantha turns to the bottle as a signal to the answer.

David tries to get up, Samantha grabs his arm, puts it on her shoulder... April grabs the other arm; both HAUL David into the living room. All three the same time, sit down on the sofa.

David

Pointless scene, cost me 2 pages.

INT. A RESTAURANT – DAY

Michael sits facing David at a table... quiet. David keeps staring at Michael... Michael looks confused.

MICHAEL
What... What are we doing here?

DAVID
Yeah, we decided to meet here before
taking you home.

MICHAEL
Who?

DAVID
Who do you think?

David shifts his eyes away... Michael follows.

Sarah, Natalie and Christian ENTER the restaurant. Sarah talks to the host... they walk toward David and Michael.

Natalie walks pass Michael, turns to him -- waves...

NATALIE
Hey, Mike!

Michael waves back...

MICHAEL
Hey... (soft)

David stands up... Natalie walks closer. David grabs Natalie’s head, leans to kiss on the side. Natalie sits down next to David.

Christian, from behind, pats on Michael’s back, leans closer...

CHRISTIAN
What’s up, man!

MICHAEL
Hi, Chris.

Christian turns to David, grabs his hand... the two bump shoulders and tab. Christian turns to sit to Michael’s left next to Natalie.

Sarah walks to Michael, pushes him on his head. Michael turns to look...

MICHAEL
Hey, Sar...

SARAH
Hey...

Sarah walks to David... the two hugs. Sarah let go but David keeps hugging... Natalie looks at them -- smiles.

David let go off Sarah... she wipes off her tears. David’s eyes turn red -- fill with tears.

Everybody’s quiet.

Sarah keeps wiping off her tears. She turns to Michael, holds down his chin... moves to look at the bruise. She swings her hand on Michael’s head...

MICHAEL
Ow!

Natalie and Christian chuckle. Natalie hands Sarah a napkin.
Sarah reaches back... Christian picks up the napkin box, places it in front of Sarah... she chuckles, throw a piece back at him. Natalie hits Christian.

A waitress walks closer... hands them menus.

I've just made some corrections to the script, the Visit, also change some dialogs and resubmitted. I've also changed the log line. If you notice it changes, it should be reuploaded.

Just a tip: Young David's friends, young boy and young girl in the Visit are Michael and Samantha in full version. I was about to turn the young girl into Sarah who is David's girlfriend in the full version but the idea came later after I killed Samantha and realized that the young girl told David about her dream in the Visit. And that makes me feel she seems has more connection to Samantha than Sarah. Plus, I've already made Sarah broke up with David to add more twists in the story.

Since I'm closed to the ending, the full version will be called, "the Connection" it represents David as the main character and I won't reveal the female main character until I finish the script. I'm at page 84 which is the act 3 of the script, conclusion, and it's a bitch because a few ideas are racing in my head as I want to end the story in the interesting way. Also, I'm still worried about the edition to the script and that just double the bitches. Lolz,...

I take a break from the Connection to refine the Visit. Yes, I've made change to it again lolz...

The Visit - Introduce Natalie first as she is the lead then David. I've turned young boy and young girl into Michael and Samantha. Also inserted scenes and changed some dialogs. Everything looks a lot in order now but still not perfect.

At page 100 of the Connecion, about 20-30 pages toward the ending.

Charracters in the Connection:

David - The Connection
April - Female lead character

Michael - David's best friend
Samantha - David's best friend/Michael's girlfriend

Natalie - David's younger sister
Christian - Natalie's boyfriend/April's cousin

Sarah - David's girlfriend/Samantha's friend
Erik - David's head chef/Sarah's lover aka fiance

John - David and Natalie's father
Debra - David and Natalie's mother

Philip - April's father
Anne - April's mother

Kate - Christian's mother
Steve - Christian's father

Young David
Young Natalie
The strange man
The surgeon
The man in bar
The couple
Bla bla...
Teddy bear lolz...

Deleted scene. I used it to connect between scenes but I just came up with a new idea and figured I don't need it.

Natalie presses the button, looks through the pictures. She smiles, chuckles, quietly.

INT. MICHAEL’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN - EVENING

April still stands at the corner, leans against the wall – one foot off the floor, on the wall.

Samantha stands facing Michael.

SAMANTHA
We think Lilly can see her. She sees
the bear...

MICHAEL
You think?

Samantha nods as Michael brushes her hair behind her ear.

David walks in the hallway – from the back.

April turns at David – the two look at each other. David reaches April, grabs her head – the two kiss.

April still looks nervous.

DAVID
It’s ok.

April nods – David leans to kiss her on forehead. He walks backward a few steps, nods back. Turns to the living room.

David ENTERS the living room.

He finds Natalie holding the camera...

DAVID (CONT’D)
Where’d you find that camera?

Natalie still focuses on the camera...

NATALIE
Oh, it’s right down there between
the couches.

At page 114 - 21,251 words. Since the above scene deleted, I'm now back at 113 - 21,096.

More to come. Thanks!

Deleted scene.

A lady sits in a wheelchair, slowly pushes out of a corner by a nurse, turns in front of David. David quickly JUMPS to the wall, runs on the wall over the lady on the wheelchair - She sits still, doesn’t move a muscle -- The nurse covers her head with both hands, DUCKS away from David, turns to look as David passes her, drops back down the floor, facing her...

DAVID
(softly)
Sorry!

David rushes to turn around -- Aprils stands waiting, flashes a short smile -- He grabs her hand, drags away.

Page 130 - Words 24,295 -- Few more pages to go.

Working on the ending. Treatment is NEXT.

I lmao after read your post, literally. I was completely expected something else different. A feedback, I supposed.

Quoted from irish eyes Do you have a finished script or not? Why not read other scripts and them feedback?

Yes, I do have a finished script, it's called the Visit. Lolz... And it's in a battle of turning into a general standard screenplay format. And I didn't read other script because I tried to focus on writting the full version of the Visit while the ideas are still awhole in my head.

               JRyans
        (whispers)
   Sorry!

Since I'm this closed to the ending, I'm on my way to read other scripts now.

Hey James

Saw this one had a re-write, so I thought I'd see what you've changed with it.

In my last comment, I said that the story wasn't for me. I'm afraid it's the same this time round. The added scene at the start really didn't go down too well, IMO. I didn't actually finish reading the re-write, to be honest. The story was a lot slower than last time round, so I ended up giving up.

I think this script has down-graded. There are more grammar issues and you tend to over-write a whole lot in this one.

Sorry. I did give it another go, but I just don't think the story does it for me.

I also agree with irish eyes. Think you should make more of an appearance on other scripts, rather than just your own. It's really quite unfair on the people who take time to read this AND to give you feedback. If we take time out of our day to help you out, why can't you do the same?

Daniel

Quoted from danbotha I think this script has down-graded. There are more grammar issues and you tend to over-write a whole lot in this one.

This does tend to happen; re-writing is a trickier skill that many people first expect.

Quoted from danbotha you should make more of an appearance on other scripts

It's also a great way to learn - you'll improve, no doubt, if you read other people's work as well as gaining a little kudos from people.

I have problem controlling my own brain. Lolz... I don't read other scripts because I don't want the story that already created in my head to change. I might not comment on those I've already read but I assure you, I did read a few and only certain scripts that I choose to read. The scripts that have the story lines related to mine or I think they do. And when I choose one, I don't care the story is bad or the written is, I would continue until the end.

The thing is, after I read it, my brain will manipulate to create a similar idea to what I read. And that is what I don't like about because I want the brain itself to originate the idea, not copies from other's. Would you like to hear someone says, "Hey, that's my idea. He stole it from me." To me, it's a big NICHT! NICHT! Even the other the way around. This is how I do, I tend to finish my script first then read other's. To do that I wouldn't get confused by injecting the new idea into my own story.

You said youself that you couldn't finish reading my script, TWICE, because the story isn't really your type. Well, you should know by now or should you not? that other would feel the same way. The different is that when I start, I don't stop until I'm done with it. I don't leave it half way, 17 pages, ain't nothing. I'm going to finished its full version, about 140 pages. You would drown yourself to death if you even dare to take a glimpse at it since you already have a problem with the 17 pages. Tell you what, the Visit is just a little piece of pinky nail that cut off from its full version.

The reason I tossed the Visit in here is because I want to see how far it would go ,the same time, I want to learn about the format, especially, the language they use in the script. As you know, I have a lot of gramatical issues in the script that is my most concern and the format I can learn from elsewhere, they all are pretty much alike.

Quoted from danbotha I think this script has down-graded. There are more grammar issues and you tend to over-write a whole lot in this one.

So, why don't you point out the error that you find in the first page or in your case, first paragraph (lolz) and have it corrected. I would very appreciate because that is what I'm really here for, to have it CORRECTED!

James

Okay, so my last review was a little brief and I'll have a look over and provide some more feedback as my last one was a little vague. We are all here to provide help and I admit that my last comment wasn't particularly helpful and I will get back with more, soon. Sorry about that.

As to knowing that I don't like the story... That doesn't mean I'm not going to try and finish it anyway and still try and help out a little. I know that someone out there will enjoy it (and you already have some feedback from people who did like this) and I wish to help in whatever way I can.

What you seem to misunderstand is there may be a longer version of this scripts, but I'm not reading the long version, yet, am I? I'm reading this as a short film, therefore disregarding anything you might have in another script. Your readers here aren't going to take the fact that there is a longer version being written into account.

Nevertheless, I'll take another look and provide some feedback that might actually help the progress of the script.

Apologies for any rudeness. I didn't intend for my comments to be that way. As already pointed out by Simon, scripts do down-grade during the re-write. He actually made a similar comment on one of my own scripts, recently.

Daniel

Haven't posted on this script yet, so I figured I might give it a shot.

Right off the bat, the first paragraphs are riddled with grammatical errors.  I'm not sure whether you just wrote this extremely quickly, not pausing to check for problems, or if English is your first language.  I don't mean to offend you by saying that, but it gives the impression that you are either typing fast or learning English when you forget entire words and phrases.  I've read scripts by foreign authors and it just gives the same vibes.

On page 5, you have two titles on the same black screen, "The Night Before" and "Visit".  This could make it hard for the viewer to understand which is the title.

Overall, the whole thing is confusing and hard to get through because of grammar and syntax issues.  This needs rewritten, but I'm not sure it could sustain 140 pages.  But maybe if you find more content...

Anyways, seeing as you don't want to read many scripts because you're afraid you might contaminate your vision with others', maybe after you're done writing this script you can read and comment on others to return the favor.  We'll be happy to have you; these people are taking time out of their day to help you, and it's only right they be treated as help, even if it isn't to your liking, and the favor should certainly be returned.

Quoted from danbotha Okay, so my last review was a little brief and I'll have a look over and provide some more feedback as my last one was a little vague. We are all here to provide help and I admit that my last comment wasn't particularly helpful and I will get back with more, soon. Sorry about that. As to knowing that I don't like the story... That doesn't mean I'm not going to try and finish it anyway and still try and help out a little. I know that someone out there will enjoy it (and you already have some feedback from people who did like this) and I wish to help in whatever way I can.

Please, do. Thanks.

Quoted from danbotha What you seem to misunderstand is there may be a longer version of this scripts, but I'm not reading the long version, yet, am I? I'm reading this as a short film, therefore disregarding anything you might have in another script. Your readers here aren't going to take the fact that there is a longer version being written into account.

What I meant up there was, if you can't keep up with a 17 pages then how can you handle an almost 10 times of its size? My point isn't just about my script but other's as well.

Quoted from danbotha Apologies for any rudeness. I didn't intend for my comments to be that way. As already pointed out by Simon, scripts do down-grade during the re-write. He actually made a similar comment on one of my own scripts, recently.

You don't need to apologize. There's nothing you said offends me and that I was only expressed myself to your post, that is all. It wasn't a rage. Infact, I am a very patient person who can't wait to have my script rewritten in a proper way. Lolz...

It kind of bothers me when someone said, "Ok, the script is down-graded." Then... BAM! left without concept of a notion. Why not indicate a scene or a paragraph or at lease, a sentence to what can be done to correct it. It's leaving me a doubt of my work for not being known of what IS the problem.