A new one from Bert... yeah, that's probably worth a look.

I like your style, man. Not too dark nor too campy. Fun but creepy. Classic horror and this one fits well into your ouvre but offers something fresh at the same time.

I won't comment on the writing itself. Clearly, you've taken a lot of liberties with your format. It didn't detract from my reading experience per se but I did notice and said liberties are not infrequent. It's not the way I would write a script but I suspect this was an all too conscious choice on your part so no need to beat you over the head with it. Having not read all the comments here, I expect others have done so already (the name Dreamscale stands out).

So, onto the story. Well, I enjoyed it. The New Orleans backdrop adds a lot of flavor and I think you took proper advantage of it. So, there's that, first and foremost.

I'm a little iffy on the pacing. I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se but it read just a tad too breezy for my taste. The atmosphere was there but I don't think it quite lived up to its potential. I say that because I think that potential is high. Personally, I love the idea of haunted objects, especially ones that are reputed not to exist, and the respective rabbit hole journey finding said object entails.

Honestly, I think you could extend this one. I think going beyond 30 pages would be too much for such a simple story but I do think you could drag the atmosphere out some and facilitate more of a buildup. At the very least, I think there should be some more buildup before Jean actually plays the record. That's essentially the moment everyone's waiting for.

Just my two cents anyway. I realize it's sort of controversial in screenwriting to introduce "more" as it's usually more a matter of cutting things down and simplifying. I think that can be overdone just as much as overwriting can.

I also think there needs to be more in the shadows. Some element in the story that is beyond the reach of the characters and by proxy, the audience. To me, that element would be what goes on in Robert Johnson's room when he writes the song and is beginning his descent into hell. I think it'd be much scarier to keep that behind closed doors (perhaps have a shot of the hallway instead with screaming coming from the door or showing shadows inside the room as opposed to Robert Johnson outright). Stuff like this just drapes an extra layer of sinister over the work, I'd say.

Regardless, I liked the story a lot. I LOVED Gaston's explanation of the blues/mighty fire. It made perfect sense to me and really brought an extra dimension to the story. I think the line could've easily been some kind of SUPER you could've slapped on at the beginning or end but that would've been tacky and ineffective. I love that it comes out naturally in the story itself from a tangible character.

Anyway, good stuff, man. As always.

Thank you, guys, for taking the time to drop some thoughts.  I read them all (several times) and (hopefully) take it all in, but will cherry-pick a few items for specific responses here:

Quoted from stevemiles Thought you managed to capture the spirit of the music through the writing

Thank you, Steve.  That was pretty much the intent of the whole exercise in the first place, so that nice to hear.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Although not familiar with the legends you are referencing, that part of the world nor do I have more than a basic appreciation of blues;  it didn’t matter, I understood enough for the story to work...

That is good to hear, too, Mark.  It is one of my biggest concerns about the story in its current form, so thanks for saying so.

Quoted from Nomad You go from a slug of, INT. DOMINO SOUNDS - DAY, to what looks like a mini slug of, A RECORD CASE, then back to, INT. DOMINO SOUNDS - DAY.  This was confusing for me and took me out of the read.  6  Same thing as page 3 with the mini slug of, A GLASS OF WHISKEY.  It should go after the slug of, JEAN'S APARTMENT.

I appreciate your calling out some specific instances of confusion.  Those were meant to be transitions (sort of), and while I thought they were correct, I might have to revisit some of the finer details of my formatting texts.  Now you have me doubting myself.
  

Quoted from Nomad "And though we watch in silence..." Is this scene supposed to be MOS also?

No -- he is wearing headphones -- lest we "hear" the song.  That is what I meant, anyway, but confused point taken and noted.  Thanks.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hope this makes sense.

Ah, Jeff.  Do you ever?

Actually, I appreciate your filling in some of the blanks in your arguments, and it is unfortunate that some of it can only be addressed in a "he said, she said" matter of reader preferences.  You being the "she," of course.

Injecting a little tone at the expense of a few lines is forgivable by all but the most exacting of standards, but your points are well taken nonetheless.  Looking over your post, I will only disagree on one fine point.

Quoted from Dreamscale "His long legs stride with purpose -- a man who knows where he is headed." basically, an unfilmable

I would argue that this description would translate directly to a filmed image.

Quoted from James McClung A new one from Bert...fits well into your oeuvre but offers something fresh at the same time.

Which is why I post so little -- as the unique ideas seem so few and far between.

But thanks for checking in, James.  Few reviewers cut to the heart of my stuff like you do.  And the fact that you join Jeff in raising an eyebrow at some of the liberties I have taken here does carry some weight.

Quoted from James McClung ...a tad too breezy for my taste. The atmosphere was there but I don't think it quite lived up to its potential.  Honestly, I think you could extend this one. At the very least, I think there should be some more buildup before Jean actually plays the record.

Huh.  You know, as mentioned elsewhere, this is actually a discarded idea from the short-lived idea of SoulShadows 3D -- (the shattered album, the gun to the nose, when Gaston flings the statue) -- so it was originally planned out for 20 pages or so.  Then I lopped it down.  Maybe you are sensing some of the missing material?

Quoted from James McClung (perhaps...showing shadows inside the room as opposed to Robert Johnson outright).

I just might crib that for when he is playing his song -- his shadow with the guitar.

Quoted from James McClung I LOVED Gaston's explanation of the blues/mighty fire. It made perfect sense to me and really brought an extra dimension to the story.

That was the first piece of dialogue written for this story, so thanks!  And then, it was murder trying to actually incorporate it somewhere.  Sabine pretty much exists in this world so Gaston has someone to speak the lines to haha.


Thanks again, guys.  Nobody has PM'd me for any return reads, so I may just have to start rooting around for old works.  You should get while the getting is good if you have something specific that needs a look.

This was a very satisfying read. Loved that dealer line ' said he could already
feel the fires of Hell lickin’ his skin.'

The only quibble I had was 'as he drives the butt of his shotgun into the bridge of our nose.', I can see what you mean, but the my pedantic side will scream POV!

I like the atmosphere and characters you created here, even for someone like me with limited exposure to New Orleans, I found myself lulled into that environment.

An eerie tale of caution. Good Job.

Hey, Eoin.  Apologies for the delayed response.  Been a crazy week.

Quoted from Eoin The only quibble I had was 'as he drives the butt of his shotgun into the bridge of our nose.', I can see what you mean, but the my pedantic side will scream POV!

Actually, I pretty much agree with you.  As mentioned elsewhere, at first this was envisioned as an episode for the short-lived SoulShadows 3-D idea.  That POV shot is one of several I just kind of held over from the original vision for this.

Quoted from Eoin …even for someone like me with limited exposure to New Orleans, I found myself lulled into that environment.

Thanks for saying so.  One of my concerns with this story in its present form is that it may assume too much on the part of the reader, so that is good to hear.

And thanks for taking the time to drop your thoughts, Eoin.  Very appreciated.

Bert

Love the image of the upright skeleton, in coffin, with guitar. A startling visual by itself but it also  gives us a sense of where we are, tone wise.

Similar to your “Paramour” script, location informs everything about it. And although I loathe to use the phrase, it does serve as another character, an identity. It also draws a comparison with “Paramour” since the opening of that features someone entering a, not so average, shop.

DEALER
You ain’t even been alive a
long time...talkin’ to me about
some kind of “long time.”

- Love that dialogue, reads very naturally.

The dialogue, on a whole, between the too, is brilliantly judged and fluent. I’m always a sucker for that dialect, something very ancient and nostalgic about even though I’ve never been there.

Loving the mythology of the Mighty Fire record, being somewhat familiar with Johnson’s sparse output and legend only increases my engagement with it.
Nice effect with the disappeared groove.

GASTON
Wasn’t open today. Weren’t
nobody here.

- Eerie reveal but to be honest, I anticipated it. Also, I wouldn’t have minded an explanation for the shop closing, could be any excuse e.g. bug infestation, a flood, etc just to help with the believability. I know it’s a superficial thing, I was just curious.

JEAN (O.S.)
Papa Legba...?

- If Jean is familiar with the figurine, how come he didn’t recognize it in the Dealer’s appearance? I wonder could Gaston have this line?

“Only a split-second to register Gaston -- as he drives the
butt of his shotgun into the bridge of our nose.”

- I like this transition in POV, as if the shotgun jabs the camera, effective.
Love the transition too from page 11 to 12, nice touch.

Although I said earlier that knowing the mythology surrounding Johnson enhances your connection to the story, it also has the negative effect of neutering some of the surprises within the script’s narrative since one will (at least I did)  assume that Jean is going to make the same Faustian pact.

YOUNG GIRL (O.S.)
Mama says ain’t nothing but
songs ‘bout cheatin’...one way
or ‘nother.

- Ha, this made me laugh.

GASTON
They got the blues in ‘em...
like a mighty fire that burn you
up from the inside. But it save
you, too. It’s the poison, and
the cure, all wrapped up together.
You understand?

- Rather beautiful summation if I do say so myself!

The “PORTRAIT FRAME” shot reminds me of the last shot in The Shining…a compliment by the way

Great work, Bert, we need to see more from you. Love the lore, the location, the subject and the cadence to the dialogue. As I said, basing it on an infamous blues legend has its pros and cons but I guess that can’t be helped.

Col.

Bert,

I read this weeks ago and didn't post anything. For once in my life, I was at a loss for words. You really took me into a world I knew nothing about and I bought every second of it. It resonated with me for a few days after the read. I can pay you no greater compliment as a writer IMO. You got my brain stirring. It's usually stuck on stupid.

The dialogue rang true. This would make a great little film but you would need some fantastic actors to capture the characters. Glad to see you post something new.

By the way, loved the opening lines. That's one way to insure you won't get a review from Jeff.


James

Col and James!  I get a little something from one of our great rational minds on the board, and a little something from...well, let's not go there.

Quoted from Col Love the image of the upright skeleton, in coffin, with guitar.

I believe you are the first to even mention this, leave alone picking up on its intended contribution to tone.  I think it would look great, too.  Thanks.

Quoted from col ...location informs everything about it...it does serve as another character...it also draws a comparison with "Paramours"...

The parallels to "Paramours" were a surprise to me.  It was not intentional, but yeah, I see it.

Quoted from col The dialogue, on a whole, between the too, is brilliantly judged and fluent. I'm always a sucker for that dialect, something very ancient and nostalgic about even though I've never been there.

Awesome, thanks!  I seldom get props for dialogue.  It seems to come so easy for some writers, but I really struggle with nearly every line.

Quoted from col ...being somewhat familiar with Johnson's sparse output and legend only increases my engagement with it.

While we have never met, I have always envisioned you as at least a bit of a blues man, Col.

Quoted from col If Jean is familiar with the figurine, how come he didn't recognize it in the Dealer's appearance?

Most in New Orleans will know of Papa Legba, the legend, but you would never expect to see him in person.  I guess it is like how you can walk right past somebody famous in person, but it is not until you see a trigger like a magazine or something and you are like, "Hey, it's that guy!"

Quoted from col knowing the mythology surrounding Johnson enhances your connection to the story, it also has the negative effect of neutering some of the surprises...

Yep, but honestly, there were really no surprises intended here.  It is more about the journey, and the foregone destination, with hopefully a few fresh things tossed in along the way.

And somebody else mentioned that final shot in The Shining.  I think I must have drawn off that subconsciously.  It was not intentional, but yeah, that last shot captures everything I was trying to convey here, too.

Quoted from col ...basing it on an infamous blues legend has its pros and cons

Yep, again.  The limited appeal is built in haha.  But I am glad it seems to have worked for you.  Thank you for taking the time to drop some thoughts, sir!

Quoted from jwent6688 For once in my life, I was at a loss for words.

That says it all.  I have nothing to add.

Quoted from jwent6688 This would make a great little film but you would need some fantastic actors to capture the characters.

You ever watch Treme?  Put some old-guy makeup on Clarke Peters and that is my fantasy-cast Papa Legba.

Quoted from jwent6688 By the way, loved the opening lines. That's one way to insure you won't get a review from Jeff.

You read my mind, bro!  Never got past page one haha.  

Thanks again, guys.  Fun to read your thoughts, and most appreciated.

Quoted from bert You read my mind, bro!  Never got past page one haha.

Assholes!!!  

Bert -

Just dropping a line that I'm *definitely* gearing up to read this!  A new short from you...(well, new for me, anyway.)  That's a must-read! And the concept looks enticing...  

Cheers,

--Janet (W)

*Spoilers*

Hey Bert,

Just read through Mighty Fire. Like a lot of others, I dig the artwork (even if it's not yours.)    And I was excited to see you coming out with a new short.  I always look forward to reading your stuff!  Besides, the topic was inherently interesting. New Orleans, Supernatural elements and Jazz? Oh yeah.  

BTW - after reading the script, I browsed through the reader's notes.  Discovering that the main characters are based on actual people and legends really did augment my enjoyment of the script.  Wish I'd known that before the read.  *Sigh*

Very memorable.  Job well done, as usual.  It's funny; one of the SS readers (I don't remember which one) objected to some of your more lyrical descriptions.  Such as: We ain't talking about the Quarter now, and More like a record shack, really.  For me, it's bits like that which made this short stand out for me, and be something special.

If I were to suggest anything, it'd be to see all other descriptions streamlined further.  Tighter and sharper, while still keeping occasional poetic gems like the ones mentioned above.  IMO, that would make the script "stand-out" even more.  Of course, that's just my personal taste and style - and may not be your preference or vision. Just IMHO.

Re: interpretations...  The way I read it (not knowing the existing mythos for Johnson or Legba) was that Johnson and Jean *were* two separate men completely.  Legba, being a demon-type entity, is on the hunt to collect souls - using Johnson's record as bait to lure in new victims over the years.  As each is "taken", reality warps...resulting in the latest victim taking Johnson's place in history.  And so, the cycle continues...  

I'm not sure where Gaston would fit in with that...except perhaps as a shopkeeper being paid off by Legba for his assistance. I could see where it *might* work to shorten Gaston's role to a mere exchange of cash and/or even remove Sabine.  (Although, she's a nice 'save the cat' moment for his character.)  Not sure...but it's a possible tact to take...

Regardless, I *love* how you got the two concepts of Johnson and Legba to intersect. Really nice.  I think this one will linger for awhile...  Not to mention, make a really great produced short someday!

Cheers,

--Janet (W)

Cool avatar, Bert.  Phantasm is a classic.  

Got to read, Bert.

I read this as Hellraiser meets Tillight Zone.

In these type of stories, I don't think there needs to be a lot of explanations.

However, I guess I never got the vibe that Jean wanted to be a great musician. Granted, you showed that he didn't want to give up his guitar but, I think there needs to be a bit more. Maybe show a scene where he talks to someone about his guitar ability?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hi Bert.

What a wonderful read. You certainly took me into that world, I felt like I was right there. Very atmospheric and great characterisation. Liked the title. Not sure if this is the title of a real song but works well with the script, given Jean is so ambitious and has that fire in his belly to the extent he would sell his soul to the devil.
The ending left me a little confused though, but it was very enjoyable nonetheless. best, H

Hi Bert!
As I saw one of your comments I clicked on the link to see a real moderator's script. I didn't read the comments, so maybe there are repetitions.

I like the script. I have to say that I feel like there should be another draft to polish some things to the "optimum".

There are little points of interactions which I don't realize as well as they imo should be - to the point.

When the vinyl plops out of the shelf, I didn't see an appropriate reaction by Jean.
When Jean wakes up at the crossroad, his behavior seems that he really goes on the scripts road-he locks in in these surrealistic hell-know he will lose his soul etc. For me it's not enough developed, that he could take his fate so, don't know how to say, casually. His inner fight isn't big enough.

The dealer explains a lot like a tale, I saw a few sentences, you hang on, but if you would erase them, nothing would change. I would cut THESE KIND of sentences all.

The last point is, I recognized from the start that you add some literal underlinings to strenghen the impression of your desription, at least you, I think so, want to help us to keep the right focus.
I think that voice and sensibilty you want to strenghen here, is already in the dialogue and as well in the description without these "bonus advice". I know some scripts need this stuff sometimes, I think you should ask yourself why you decide to go that way. I guess the answer will bring up a reason which doesn't justify that decision, cause it just feels like a foreign matter to your script IMO, it Brakes the flow. That whole tale-spirit is already there and that's cool, but these special inputs feel a bit playful.

Hey, I haven't really much to critizize the stuff your showing as whole. I enjoyed. Maybe you can raise some tension by letting Jean fight his fate. Entertaining script

Ok. I read the comments now. I have to say I really just have these subsidiary points I mentioned above. From the logical site I had no problems at all. I hadn't got knowledge about the actor or Papa Legba, but was sure about that it's about "Guitar-Voodoo" and that Jean owned his short fame on the picture of the last victim in the footsteps of the legend Mighty fire song.