Mighty Fire by Robert Newcomer (bert) - Short - A blues-man seeks a legendary recording that may be nothing more than old rumors...or it might just be real. 14 pages - pdf, format

I'm equal parts lost and amazed, but I loved it nonetheless.

I read a couple of your shorts a while ago -- loved 'em.

I think The Farm was the last work of yours I checked out.  Best horror script on SS at the moment.

Been waiting for you to write something again for a while, and I was surprised (and excited) to see Mighty Fire advertised in your sig as your upcoming short.

Not much to say but I really liked it.  The characters came off the page.  I could visualize it all.  The ending image was a chilling one.

Good stuff.  

Hey Bert,

The writing was really good, you captured that New Orleans southern twang very well in the dialogue, and the visuals really captured the tone of the setting.

I liked the way you set up the myth, the mystery behind this Robert Johnson record. It was even more mysterious as to how his "death-bed" song was even recorded because through flashback, he's seen on his death bed going to town on that guitar.

What I didn't understand was the significance of this record and how Jean ended up in this painting at the end. Was he Robert Johnson incarnate? And he was coming to get what was rightfully his?

And who exactly was Papa Legba (the record shop dealer)? Was he somewhat of a gate-keeper? The keeper of souls?

This woman who poisoned Robert Johnson -- why did she poison him? Did he himself sell his soul? And she was the one who took his soul?

Yeah, I came away lost from this a bit (I'm probably way off with this) but it was absorbing with all the reveals -- Jean returning to the shop to get his guitar back, but it turns out that the record shop was actually closed the whole time. But how did Jean, after being face to face w/ record dealer, come to recognize (or realize) that this figurine (an exact replica of record dealer) was Papa Legba?

Anyway, it was well written and leave a lot open for interpretation.

-- Michael

Hey Bert,

It's good to see a new short from you.  How long has it been?  Two years, maybe.  

Anyway, New Orleans was the perfect setting for this little tale.  i liked it... a lot.   As usual, your writing was top-notch.  But... I have to admit, I read this twice to make sure i understood what was going on.  Papa Legba must be some sort of gatekeeper to the spiritual world, because I could feel the naked voodoo between the pages.

This was a joy to read and very entertaining.  Kind regards,

_ghostwriter

Thanks, guys.  I appreciate the thoughts, and suppose I need to apologize a bit for all the head-scratching.

This is a story I have wanted to write for some time, but knew I was writing to a specific audience.  Maybe some of you have found yourself in a similar place -- where you just kind of say "screw it" and write the story you need to write -- knowing that some people will end up scratching their heads.  And that is fine.
  
A couple things by way of explanation:

• Robert Johnson is quite real, and one of the greats of early Blues.  Even if you do not know him off the top of your head, you have probably heard his story.  He is the guy who sold his soul at the crossroads for mad guitar skills.
  
• Robert Johnson's death is a bit of a mystery, but the generally accepted account of his death is much like I have described.  He died young, without a large catalogue of work, and there are rumors of a "lost song."
  
• Papa Legba is one of the most important figures in Haitian voodoo, and he is typically described as I have described him here. Some say it is not Satan that you find at the crossroads, but Papa Legba.

I will get to some of the specific comments in the morning, and thanks again for taking the time to drop some thoughts.

It has been a while since I have put something out there for comments -- so it is fun to read them -- but I wanted to put these clarifications out there quick before heading off to bed.

Hey Bert,

I liked this one but will admit to not understanding every element when finishing. Jean made the decision to be remembered as a blues legend on the crossroads (influenced by the movie of the same name with the Karate Kid I'm guessing?) and that is why his face is on the portrait at the end... I think? Papa Ledba is the gatekeeper of this said crossroad. What I didn't understand was the influence of the song "Mighty Fire" or the role Gaston played in all of this.

The writing's good, some technical things I would have done different (preference) and one typo on page 5, I think "(stay) the man’s hand." Think it should be stop? But otherwise, this is a solid read.

I liked the dialogue throughout and the pacing was just right, making for an entertaining read. You could maybe think of another name for Papa Ledba other than "Dealer" in the opening exchange - a blackjack dealer kept coming to mind when reading that scene.

A solid story, even if I didn't fully understand (anything?) some aspects.

Nice work.

Steve  

Hey Bert.

I was excited to see this hit the portal tonight.  I've been waiting weeks for it.  Definitely a lot more excited for this than any movie coming out in the theater anytime soon.

The story didn't disappoint.  It was everything I figured it would be.  Great descriptions and actions to get me involved in the story.  Great personal characterization to keep the story flowing.

The perfect amount of real-life drama and supernatural situations.  Enough that it kept me grounded to real life in the story while still letting my imagination run free.  It's hard to do that and that's why horror and sci-fi mostly don't work for me anymore.  But you keep a perfect blend of each and that's why I've been a fan of each and every one of your stories.

I know you were a little worried about your audience, but I think you'll be surprised just how marketable you would be because of that mix.  (And not just this story.)  You cater to both genres and no matter what you do, you'll keep the drama people interested, and you'll keep the horror people interested.  That's probably a formula for positive feedback no matter what should you ever decide to tread the market waters and attempt to get something made.

I hope you do.

Anyway, not much to pick apart here.  I suppose if anything it'd be how Jean's face winds up over Robert Jackson's.  That part made me question things a bit, wondering why you did that.  (And also had Jean the same exact age.  Some kind of connection or reincarnation I though at first, but the more I think about it, I get kind of lost).  But everything else was great.

So great I had to go and research Robert Johnson after I was finished.  Interesting story and I wish I knew it before reading the story.  I would have grasped things a little better.  (Though it was a dead giveaway with the soul talk that the shop dealer at first was the devil, or whatever.)  This wasn't a story written for a twist.  It was written because it's a great ride and the legend built up around the song was maximized for most emotion.

Great job.  I hope it doesn't take two years to talk to you again.  :-)

- Mark

One thing this script didn't lack was "flavor". You definitely have a unique writer's voice and aren't afraid of taking risks.

The story reminded me of something you might see on Tales From the Crypt or Night Gallery.

A couple things I didn't like were "We ain’t talking about the Quarter now. This here is the Seventh Ward" - and - "A record shop. More like a record shack, really."  These lines pushed the envelope a bit too far, IMO.

That's pretty cool, Bert, with the stuff you said in those bullets.

I too wish I knew all about it before hand.

You never really disappoint me with anything you do.

Even if I was "scratching my head", I still got a huge kick out of this.

Imagine if you were a Mod on a writing site and your writing kinda sucked? And, you got all these sycophants giving you glowing reviews just cause you're basically the second-in-command.  

Sorry, I couldn't resist that.   And, we've never been formally introduced.

Anyway, none of that is true! I read this, this morning and loved it. You managed to evoke some terrific images with this and some very creepy goings on scenes, I really couldn't fault it. There's maybe some of it I don't quite get, but I reckon on first read and with the tone of this, that's maybe a good thing. I felt sorry for your guy in the end, that maybe what he had coming to him was not quite fair cause he's not a bad guy, is he...

I was instantly in the mood for something like this having just recently watched the first Ep. of Treme too. Don't know if I'll stick with the latter but you'll see the connection.

Your descriptions, in particular are spot on in evoking images. I loved for example - the little girl with the bruised knees and braids. This has a real Twilight Zone feel but also reminded me of the series of scripts you did on SS - was it 'Soul Shadows'? Sorry, couldn't find it.

Bert, to sum up. I really enjoyed this. Vivid descriptions and a deft hand with the words.

Libby

Hey Bert,

I really enjoyed this even if I was left with a lot of questions. The imagery was well drawn and the character’s felt real to me. I enjoyed the interplay between Jean and Papa Legba, especially in the opening scene.

Now I think I understand the purpose of the Mighty Fire record and it’s disappearing vinyl grooves. It seemed like bait. An enticement meant to lure Jean back and put him in the frame of mind to accept Papa Legba’s deal. For me the questions start with Jean’s return to Domino Sounds.

First off I’m unsure of what Gaston’s role in this supernatural scheme is. Initially he comes off like he’s just a store owner halting a burglary. He seems skeptical, incredulous, ect about what Jean says happened in the store earlier. When we come back from to him in the morning however, Jean is  gone, Gaston is cleaning the mess and he’s got Jean’s money. This seems to implicate him in the disappearance. If Gaston is meant to be involved why not have him act a little more knowing with Jean. It’s only the two of them. There’s no reason to for Gaston to feign so much ignorance; it’ll all be over soon.

Secondly, Jean replacing Robert Johnson in the photo certainly promotes a lot of questions with no clear answers. The truth is I really don’t mind the mystery. It actually (spoiler?) reminds me of the final shot in The Shining, with Jack Torrance smiling broadly from 1921. It seems as though that image is actually intended to promote mystery; forcing your audience to mull over the details of your story again and again. Of course that only works if you’ve drawn them into your world—and it definitely worked for me.

So overall this is a strong, well-written story with my only major quibble being Gaston’s uncertain motives. Nice job.

Eric

Hi Bert,

Nice to see something from you.

First off, I like the title. It reminds me of the song (of the same name) by The Climax Blues Band.

A lyric in that song reads, like a mighty fire, that burns me to the ground…

Passing of the torch is what I got here in your story.

But the old man had to vet him first. Make sure he was the right fit.

The flashback is done nicely. Although it’s also said of that evening that he was offered a bottle and his friend smacked it out of his hand saying don’t never drink from a bottle you didn’t open yourself.

He was then given another bottle by the lady and refused to give it up.

Shame if that’s true, eh?

He was also supposedly poisoned by a jealous man, not a jealous woman as written on page 4.

Small point.

The story itself was very nicely written.

Thank you for allowing me the chance to read it.

Shawn…..><

WTF Discussion with Spoilers:

Seems everybody is kind of asking the same thing in different ways, so I'll just talk about how the story evolved in one blanket post -- in case anybody cares -- and just because I can -- which is one of the things I love about this site -- authors getting a rare opportunity to blather on about their work.

To start, the ending went through a number of revisions.  In the first ending, Jean had his own, ancient picture up there on the wall -- which is pretty straightforward and not too confusing as to what happened.

Then I had the idea, what if he "became" Robert Johnson?  What would that even mean?  And it felt right, somehow -- even though I was not really sure what it meant -- and then I had to think about it because folks would probably ask.

My own answer is that Robert Johnson, having sold his soul, is in hell.  And his hell is cyclic, living his short, doomed life and recording his cursed song so he could do it all over again.  This time he is Jean, destined to return and live the same mistakes, and next time he will just be some other soul tormented by the Blues.

But that is just my own interpretation.  It is also possible Jean went crazy after hearing the album and the rest of that stuff is just Jean's imagination.  

The other change was giving Gaston the roll of cash from Jean.  Originally he was just sweeping up and that was pretty much that.  The cash made him more complicit in all of this, and I liked that, even though he might not even know where the money came from.
  
Does Gaston even realize the picture of Robert Johnson is not the same picture he was looking at yesterday?  He sure doesn't act like it.  How often has the picture of Robert Johnson changed?  And nobody on Earth has ever noticed?  At that point it all gets very quantum and kind of gives me a headache.

So, whether any of these angles work to the story's benefit or are an inherent weakness is something I am still pondering.  But I had been sitting on this for weeks, and if I did not put it up I might never have put it up.  I have never been a fan of the ambiguous ending, but I kind of wrote one in spite of myself.

So, most of the WTF questions are addressed in the previous post so I can focus on some of the small stuff here.  Having fun reading the comments, and please drop me a PM if you have something specific for which I can return the favor.

Quoted from Reaper I'm equal parts lost and amazed, but I loved it nonetheless.

Thanks, Reaper.  Please refer to the notes above (such as they are...)

Quoted from spesh2k This woman who poisoned Robert Johnson -- why did she poison him? And she was the one who took his soul?

She was just the jealous bitch that killed him.  I never meant to imply anything supernatural about her, but maybe calling her "smoke-eyed woman" was misleading.  I just meant for her to be sexy.  Thanks for pointing to a specific spot of confusion.

Quoted from spesh2K But how did Jean, after being face to face w/ record dealer, come to recognize (or realize) that this figurine (an exact replica of record dealer) was Papa Legba?

Most in New Orleans will know of Papa Legba, but nobody would ever expect to see him in person.  I guess it is like how you can walk right past somebody famous in person, but it is not until somebody shows you a magazine or something and you are like, "Holy crap, it's that guy!"

Anyway, that is what I was going for.

Quoted from ghostwriter How long has it been?  Two years, maybe.

  
Yeah, at least.  Sheesh.

Quoted from ghostwriter ...I could feel the naked voodoo between the pages.

I found this totally hilarious.  I have no idea why.

Quoted from CoopBazinga (influenced by the movie of the same name with the Karate Kid I'm guessing?)

You know, I came across that film while doing some research and actually made a point NOT to watch it until I was done.  Thanks for reminding me that I need to check it out.  But there is tons of crossroads stuff long before that movie came along.

Quoted from CoopBazinga You could maybe think of another name for Papa Legba other than "Dealer" in the opening exchange - a blackjack dealer kept coming to mind when reading that scene.

Well, he "deals" in souls, but I get what you mean.  I struggled to come up with something else (that was not an actual name) but never found anything I liked better.

Quoted from rc1107 I know you were a little worried about your audience...

I was talking about this specific story, and how it might be received by those unfamiliar with its subject matter.  And as I suspected, most people are basically kind of confused about what is going on.

Quoted from rc1107 ...And also had Jean the same exact age.  Some kind of connection or reincarnation I though at first, but the more I think about it, I get kind of lost...

Hey, you caught the age!  Your explanation is the closest to mine, but I also get lost in it if I think too much.

Quoted from rc1107 So great I had to go and research Robert Johnson after I was finished.

Everybody is supposed to haha.

Quoted from rc1107 ...it was a dead giveaway with the soul talk that the shop dealer at first was the devil, or whatever.  This wasn't a story written for a twist.

Perfect, thank you.

Quoted from Silverback One thing this script didn't lack was "flavor". You definitely have a unique writer's voice and aren't afraid of taking risks.

But the stuff you are knocking in the next sentence or two is the voice haha.  I know what you mean, though, and I do push things sometimes -- even on purpose.  Just to drive Jeff nuts, mostly, but this site is a great testing ground for things that work and things that don't.

Quoted from LC Imagine if you were a Mod on a writing site and your writing kinda sucked? And, you got all these sycophants giving you glowing reviews just cause you're basically the second-in-command.

  
Oh, lord, if you only knew.  Those are the sort of thoughts that keep me up at night.  I have to wander over to Movie Poet once in a while for a proper beating to keep me honest.  I could have sworn you and I had crossed paths already, but if not, nice to do so.

Quoted from LC I was instantly in the mood for something like this having just recently watched the first Ep. of Treme too.

I like that show, but if you are not a big fan of New Orleans music and culture, there will not be much there for you.  It is a show for a specific audience.  And one of the lines from Sabine, how they are all songs about cheating, was actually cribbed (more or less) from Treme, though I forget which episode.

Quoted from LC ...but also reminded me of the series of scripts you did on SS - was it 'Soul Shadows'?

Wow...good eye.  This WAS a discarded idea for SoulShadows, when Cornetto was trying to drum up support for the 3D version.  The shattering album was one of the first scenes that came to mind before the whole thing kind of dropped.

Quoted from EWall433 I think I understand the purpose of the Mighty Fire record and it's disappearing vinyl grooves. It seemed like bait.

Yes, pretty much.  But I was thinking more like a drug that he had to have again.

Quoted from EWall433 Gaston...he's got Jean's money. This seems to implicate him in the disappearance. There's no reason to for Gaston to feign so much ignorance.

But it is not enough to fully implicate him.  Does Gaston remember anything?  Even where he got the money?  The story does not say.  I discuss this in the WTF post, and whether that angle works or is an inherent weakness is something I am still pondering.

Quoted from EWall433 It actually reminds me of the final shot in The Shining, with Jack Torrance smiling broadly from 1921.

Oh, that is excellent.  I am definitely going to use that on people who gripe about not understanding the end.

Quoted from Ledbetter First off, I like the title. It reminds me of the song (of the same name) by The Climax Blues Band.

Also a little-known song by John Lee Hooker

Quoted from Ledbetter The flashback is done nicely.  Shame if that's true, eh?

Nice to find somebody else who knows a bit.  I took a few liberties with the details to keep things short, but yeah, imagine what he could have done with another 20-30 years.  Instead, he was probably the first member of "The 27 Club."

Thanks, guys, and again, please drop me a PM you have something you would like me to look at!

Had a quick butchers at this (in the local English dialect that means I had a read).

I do like you writing Bert, it has a certain gracefulness to it. Now we could argue 'till the cows come home about some of the phraseogly used, eg the opening seventh ward line, but to me it works. Partly because it is limited, and partly because the contrast then helps the reader capture the tone.

Story wise I like the idea, a lost mysreious voice, voodoo and the blues all mixed together, but on reflection feel this could have been shorter. Was the scene with the young girl needed? I'll have another look.

I liked the idea that the victim gets to have one listen - only - of the music to hook them, like an addictive drug, which then leaves the listener dangling, vulnerable.

I also liked the aspiration of the young man to be on the wall, which turns out to be a curse - if that's how you meant it to play out. A simple reversal.

In terms of Jean, we only meet him at the shop, so his character, his desires, weaknesses etc have to be exposed through that moment and his words. I wonder whether you could set him up beforehand, so we know him as he walks through the door?

Is it better to have an open, not fully explained ending? To be honest I'm a simple reader so i like clarity. Here I feel there are some clear themes of desire and its emotional pull, of getting what you wanted but not necessarily what you need, and how this plays into the voodoo world and bridge between heaven and hell, life and death. So, on balance, I feel it would benefit from a clearer outcome and goals of those within, but I fully expect others to disagree. It's a matter of taste I suppose.

I do wish you would write more, always a joy to read and consider.

Cheers

haven't read the script, but i love robert johnson. an old friend slid me a cd several years back and i fell in love with his scratchy, raspy, crackly blues sound. for this reason, bert, i must give your write a read.

Quoted from bert the stuff you are knocking in the next sentence or two is the voice haha.  I know what you mean, though, and I do push things sometimes -- even on purpose.  Just to drive Jeff nuts, mostly, but this site is a great testing ground for things that work and things that don't.

  LOL!

And that's why I haven't commented here, Bert.  I opened this up as soon as I saw it posted, and immediately saw those opening lines...

I actually started a post, saying, "OMG...what is the world coming to?  Now even Bert is writing in that smartass style."

I deleted it and decided to keep my mouth shut.

Glad you're getting lots of good feedback.  You deserve it, bro!

The crossroads at 49 & 61.  Creepy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jK4p432u8Ls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLmlz34BUlk

Read this one this morning. I love your writing. The tone, feel and story telling reminds me of my absolute favorite writer, Stephen King. I think you should give novels a shot. Seriously!

I liked the story and don't really have anything to add or suggest. The writing is visual in the novel sense, but not in a film sense, IMHO. If you know what I mean.

The opening line was great and reminded me of my daughter and her husband driving to New Orleans recently. They trusted their GPS 100% and ended up in the lower 9th ward!

Anyway, great story.

Hey Bert,

Just from the opening I could tell this was nicely written. Reading further, it was confirmed.

Always been a fan of the blues myself -- Stevie Ray was my man. And of course I'm aware of Robert Johnson and his story. This was a great take on it. Everything explainable, nothing too heavy or too complicated. But what made this for me were the striking visuals and the color of your characters. I could hear the innocence of Jean, the worn tone of the Dealer, and the torture of Johnson laying in that bed, then performing his swan song. It all just seemed so alive to me.

The only thing I had an issue with was how Jean's face appeared over Robert Johnson's in that picture on the wall. I think Jean should've had his very own picture. Another unique young blues man who made his mark, now forever immortalized.

It's interesting to see how good writers write. Kinda all looks the same, save for a few technical differences. But the FEEL is just different.

Your voice made this a fun read for me. Kinda felt like an old Twilight Zone episode.

Steve

Thanks for looking, you guys.  Apologies that I could not step back in until today.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer ...but on reflection feel this could have been shorter. Was the scene with the young girl needed?

Thanks for looking, Reef, and I am actually inclined to agree with you there.  Thing is, I really wanted to include the final bit of dialogue from Gaston -- bringing the whole Mighty Fire thing full circle in a way -- and he needed somebody to speak with.  Sabine seemed as good a choice as any.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer I also liked the aspiration of the young man to be on the wall, which turns out to be a curse - if that's how you meant it to play out.

Yes, that is exactly how it was supposed to work, but (I think) you are the first to mention it, so thanks for letting me know it is not invisible.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer In terms of Jean...I wonder whether you could set him up beforehand, so we know him as he walks through the door?

Less sure of that and how it might be done without adding undue length.  Something to think on, I guess.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer To be honest I'm a simple reader so I like clarity.

I agree with this, too.  This story frustrated me by shooting off in directions that even I could not fully explain (see the earlier WTF post if you like), but I continue to think on it, and the current ending may not yet be its final form.

Quoted from courhaw ...haven't read the script, but i love robert johnson. an old friend slid me a cd several years back and i fell in love with his scratchy, raspy, crackly blues sound. for this reason, bert, i must give your write a read.

Well, it was written for Blues fans, so I wondered how it might be received by the average reader who could give two flips about such things.  At any rate, it sounds like you are among its intended audience, so any thoughts would be appreciated, thanks.

Quoted from Dreamscale I actually started a post...I deleted it and decided to keep my mouth shut.

Haha..I wondered if you would spot your small name-check in my earlier post.  I think the one thing we agree on is that we will never agree.  Perhaps one day you will join us on the dark side.

I would contend, however, that the opening line sets the tone right out of the gate, with only two sentences.  If you do check back in, I would love to know just what it is that you find so intolerable there?  Not to open a big can-o-worms argument, but just to collect your thoughts.

Quoted from Silverback The crossroads at 49 & 61.  Creepy.

I know, right?  How could you not want to compose a story around such things?

Quoted from Grandma Bear   I think you should give novels a shot. Seriously!

Thanks for the King name-check.  I love those, even though I would be the first to admit that I am miles off from that.  I daydream about novels, but really doubt I would have the patience for such an undertaking.

Quoted from Grandma Bear The opening line was great and reminded me of my daughter and her husband driving to New Orleans recently. They trusted their GPS 100% and ended up in the lower 9th ward!

Ha!  As much as I love the city -- and have been there many times -- there are a few sections where you simply do not go.

Quoted from SAC Just from the opening I could tell this was nicely written.

See, Jeff?

Quoted from SAC Always been a fan of the blues myself -- Stevie Ray was my man. And of course I'm aware of Robert Johnson and his story. This was a great take on it.

Thanks, man.  Sounds like you are the audience I had hoped to hear from.

Quoted from SAC The only thing I had an issue with was how Jean's face appeared over Robert Johnson's in that picture on the wall. I think Jean should've had his very own picture. Another unique young blues man who made his mark, now forever immortalized.

As discussed in the WTF post earlier, that WAS the original ending.  But it just seemed too straightforward, in a way -- and then the ending just evolved into something that was maybe too weird but still felt right, if that makes any sense.

Like I told Reef above, I continue to think on it, and the current ending may not yet be its final form.

Quoted from SAC It's interesting...Kinda all looks the same, save for a few technical differences. But the FEEL is just different.

Thanks.  If nothing else, I at least go for that.  Be wary of those who advise you to completely extract all personality from your writing.  It is a fine line to "sterile," if you know what I mean. I will always contend that "most" readers of scripts appreciate touches that help to set an author apart.  Not everyone agrees, but make your own choices.


And thanks to all who have looked, whether you have posted comments or not.  As before, please drop me a PM if I can return the favor!

Bert,

I love the artwork in the thread, that's pretty sweet!  Is it yours?

I'm glad I read stories like this because it serves as a reminder to that STORY comes first.  I've read many scripts that seem like a half-court shot, but this was a slam dunk.  Great job!

A way with words, threw me into a place I've never been.  I enjoyed Papa Legba's dialogue throughout, especially "Mr. Long Time".  When Jean listened to Mighty Fire, it was extraordinary.

The ending was fantastic.  What I find so damn interesting about these kind of "crossroads" stories is the amount of sacrifice they are willing to endure for a single note that sustains for an eternity.  It embraces humanity and how deep we dive to fill an abysmal hole.

I do have an issue, which is I felt Jean's guitar deserved to be a character.  I pictured it as a tattooed child in a sense, but wanted to feel the stakes there.

Great work, a pleasure to read!

Johnny

Bert. Good writing, for sure. Though it's not an innovative allegory, it does well for what it is. Cool beans, Bert. I was hearing Charlie Daniels' 'Devil Went Down To Georgia' as I read this one.

Hey Bert,

I haven't looked at previous comments so sorry for any repeat questions/points.

Pretty vague opening slug and interesting first sentence, I wonder what some will make of it? (cough, Jeff)

I really liked the banter between Jean and the Dealer.  They played off each other well and the dialect was great too.

Not being a Blues music fan I had to Google Robert Johnson.  The ending did confuse me slightly but intrigue just as much too.  I really enjoyed this despite my lack of background knowledge.

Thanks, all!  A few comments on comments:

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo I love the artwork in the thread, that's pretty sweet!  Is it yours?

No, just something I cribbed from somewhere a few months back, but I dug it right away.  I should probably track down the artist name and give credit on the post.  Thanks for the thought.

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo   What I find so damn interesting about these kind of "crossroads" stories is the amount of sacrifice they are willing to endure for a single note that sustains for an eternity.  It embraces humanity and how deep we dive to fill an abysmal hole.

That is as good a summation as I think I've ever read, and I agree.  It is a universally relatable theme that carries a lot of power.  I think most cultures have something that is at least analogous to a "crossroads" story -- and many have the exact same story.

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo ...I felt Jean's guitar deserved to be a character.

Haha...what a crazy thought!  The guitar was "supposed" to be his soul, kind of, with the exception of that final trade-off.  Your idea is worth thinking about, though I have no immediate ideas about how to pull it off.

Quoted from courhaw Good writing, for sure. Though it's not an innovative allegory, it does well for what it is. I was hearing Charlie Daniels' 'Devil Went Down To Georgia' as I read this one.

Yeah, it is hard to put a fresh spin on a folk tale that has endured for generations, but I have always been drawn to the story.  Interesting take on the music, though I do have my own thoughts.  Shelton once embedded actual YouTube links to music in one of his stories -- and I really fought hard against the impulse to do the same -- as nearly everyone panned the idea at the time as taking liberties a bit too far.

If anyone is interested, however, "Me and the Devil Blues" would certainly have been included, particularly the plaintive wailing of those "oooo" parts:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7ZzfjRzZuk

Quoted from alffy Pretty vague opening slug and interesting first sentence, I wonder what some will make of it? (cough, Jeff)

Haha…you know the boards too well!  Jeff has already weighed in with his dissatisfaction.

Like many big cities, New Orleans has many different personalities, depending on where you go.  A weakness (or strength -- I am not yet decided) of this script is that it asks a bit of the reader in terms of prior knowledge. Among other things, it "assumes" you know New Orleans.

Those first two sentences would be kind of like an opening slug reading, "London" followed by, "We are not talking about Westminster.  This is Brixton."  And hopefully, that would be all the reader (or director) really needs to know.

Quoted from alffy Not being a Blues music fan I had to Google Robert Johnson.  I really enjoyed this despite my lack of background knowledge.

Thanks for saying you looked him up!  The story is kind of supposed to encourage the reader to take a peek at the man if they do not know him already.  And if they do, that means the script was at least a small success.

Appreciate the thoughts, guys.  Thanks for taking a moment to drop some comments.  It is always appreciated.

Cursed is the ground you walk on Bert...

I've had that song, Mighty Fire stuck in my head for days now.

May you find youself at a crossroads and Jeff lurks from the shadows...

Shawn.....><

Bert,

enjoyed reading this -- great blend of fact and fiction.  Thought you managed to capture the spirit of the music through the writing -- not an easy thing to do.

Perhaps a little ambiguous towards the end -- though not distractingly so -- and I like how everyone gets what they wanted -- albeit at a price.

Steve.

Hi Bert,

I read the script and then the comments. I echo what most have said here, that was a brilliant and enjoyable read. Although I'm not familiar with the legends you are referencing, that part of the world nor do I have more than a basic appreciation of blues;  it didn’t matter, I understood enough for the story to work and work well it did.

I did have to read the ending about three times before I formed an opinion as to what happened but I realise you’ve left it open to interpretation and I love that.

I can’t praise this enough, it was a joy to read.

Hey Bert,

I don't think I've read anything by you.  Here are a couple thoughts as I go.

• Pg. 3  You go from a slug of, INT. DOMINO SOUNDS - DAY, to what looks like a mini slug of, A RECORD CASE, then back to, INT. DOMINO SOUNDS - DAY.  This was confusing for me and took me out of the read.  The record case should be a prop, not a slug line.
  
• Pg. 6  Same thing as page 3 with the mini slug of, A GLASS OF WHISKEY.  It should go after the slug of, JEAN'S APARTMENT.  
  
• Pg. 6  "The case empty, splayed open. Gutted. Souless."  This is a little too novelistic for my taste.  I'd drop, Gutted, or Souless.  Also, "Souless" is spelled "Soulless".
  
• Pg. 7  "AT THE PHONOGRAPH", isn't a time.  There should be some sort of time indication at the end of the slug.
  
• Pg. 7 "And though we watch in silence..." Is this scene supposed to be MOS also?
  
• Pg. 9  Some of the dialogue is stilted.  Unnatural.
  

A nice tale of a man's deal with the devil.  There's nothing too new here, but this could easily be an episode of the Twilight Zone.

The ending is a little confusing but I guess that leaves it open to interpretation.  I see it as men who accept the Devil's offer are remembered as one of the greatest blues players.

Jordan

Quoted from bert Haha..I wondered if you would spot your small name-check in my earlier post.  I think the one thing we agree on is that we will never agree.  Perhaps one day you will join us on the dark side. I would contend, however, that the opening line sets the tone right out of the gate, with only two sentences.  If you do check back in, I would love to know just what it is that you find so intolerable there?  Not to open a big can-o-worms argument, but just to collect your thoughts.

Bert, of course this is not meant to open any can or worms, but I will reply to your question...and i have stayed up on the feedback and see my name popping up here and there.

Here are my thoughts on the opening Slug and the passages that accompany it.

"EXT. NEW ORLEANS - DAY" - First of all, unless it's speciified somewhere soon after, it will be difficult to "know" this is taking place in New Orleans.  New Orleans is a rather big city, so using a Slug that doesn't give any detail, is an issue, IMO.

"We ain’t talking about the Quarter now. This here is the Seventh Ward." - So, here's my main issue with how this begins - You're definitely throwing in voice and color and I can easily see why some will enjoy this, but the reality is that you're doing it at the expense of 2 lines of prose and an extra blank line, or in total, 3 unnecessary lines right out of the gate.  These 2 lines "tell" us what you chose not not to "show" us in your opening Slug.

Your next 3 line passage further illustrates what's wrong with the opening Slug, by "telling" us that Jean is actually walking along "the sidewalks of Lapeyrouse Street".  So, your opening Slug could have (should have?) been some deviation of "NEW ORLEANS - SEVENTH WARD - LAPEYROUSE STREET".  Now, I'd most likely use a SUPER for the New Orleans and Seventh Ward parts, but then again,  do we really need to know anything about it being the Seventh Ward?  I know you've mentioned a few times about that an understanding of several things/people/area/etc. will help, but IMO, you shouldn't do that or expect that.

Finally, your last pasage under this initial Slug - "His long legs stride with purpose -- a man who knows where he is headed." again shows you telling us something, or basically, an unfilmable about where he's headed or how he's headed there.

You've used 7 lines of prose and an additional 2 blank lines to intro Jean and "show" him walking.  This easily could have been done with a total of 3 or 4 lines, max, because in all those 9 lines, you didn't really show us much of anything - it's all tone in the way you said it.

So, again, I do understand why you did this and why many seem to love it, but for me, it doesn't work, as I read and see in my head exactly what would be filmed, based on the actual writing, and it's alot of wasted lines.

And, BTW, I don't think we disagree on everything or even all that much.

Hope this makes sense.

A new one from Bert... yeah, that's probably worth a look.

I like your style, man. Not too dark nor too campy. Fun but creepy. Classic horror and this one fits well into your ouvre but offers something fresh at the same time.

I won't comment on the writing itself. Clearly, you've taken a lot of liberties with your format. It didn't detract from my reading experience per se but I did notice and said liberties are not infrequent. It's not the way I would write a script but I suspect this was an all too conscious choice on your part so no need to beat you over the head with it. Having not read all the comments here, I expect others have done so already (the name Dreamscale stands out).

So, onto the story. Well, I enjoyed it. The New Orleans backdrop adds a lot of flavor and I think you took proper advantage of it. So, there's that, first and foremost.

I'm a little iffy on the pacing. I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se but it read just a tad too breezy for my taste. The atmosphere was there but I don't think it quite lived up to its potential. I say that because I think that potential is high. Personally, I love the idea of haunted objects, especially ones that are reputed not to exist, and the respective rabbit hole journey finding said object entails.

Honestly, I think you could extend this one. I think going beyond 30 pages would be too much for such a simple story but I do think you could drag the atmosphere out some and facilitate more of a buildup. At the very least, I think there should be some more buildup before Jean actually plays the record. That's essentially the moment everyone's waiting for.

Just my two cents anyway. I realize it's sort of controversial in screenwriting to introduce "more" as it's usually more a matter of cutting things down and simplifying. I think that can be overdone just as much as overwriting can.

I also think there needs to be more in the shadows. Some element in the story that is beyond the reach of the characters and by proxy, the audience. To me, that element would be what goes on in Robert Johnson's room when he writes the song and is beginning his descent into hell. I think it'd be much scarier to keep that behind closed doors (perhaps have a shot of the hallway instead with screaming coming from the door or showing shadows inside the room as opposed to Robert Johnson outright). Stuff like this just drapes an extra layer of sinister over the work, I'd say.

Regardless, I liked the story a lot. I LOVED Gaston's explanation of the blues/mighty fire. It made perfect sense to me and really brought an extra dimension to the story. I think the line could've easily been some kind of SUPER you could've slapped on at the beginning or end but that would've been tacky and ineffective. I love that it comes out naturally in the story itself from a tangible character.

Anyway, good stuff, man. As always.

Thank you, guys, for taking the time to drop some thoughts.  I read them all (several times) and (hopefully) take it all in, but will cherry-pick a few items for specific responses here:

Quoted from stevemiles Thought you managed to capture the spirit of the music through the writing

Thank you, Steve.  That was pretty much the intent of the whole exercise in the first place, so that nice to hear.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Although not familiar with the legends you are referencing, that part of the world nor do I have more than a basic appreciation of blues;  it didn’t matter, I understood enough for the story to work...

That is good to hear, too, Mark.  It is one of my biggest concerns about the story in its current form, so thanks for saying so.

Quoted from Nomad You go from a slug of, INT. DOMINO SOUNDS - DAY, to what looks like a mini slug of, A RECORD CASE, then back to, INT. DOMINO SOUNDS - DAY.  This was confusing for me and took me out of the read.  6  Same thing as page 3 with the mini slug of, A GLASS OF WHISKEY.  It should go after the slug of, JEAN'S APARTMENT.

I appreciate your calling out some specific instances of confusion.  Those were meant to be transitions (sort of), and while I thought they were correct, I might have to revisit some of the finer details of my formatting texts.  Now you have me doubting myself.
  

Quoted from Nomad "And though we watch in silence..." Is this scene supposed to be MOS also?

No -- he is wearing headphones -- lest we "hear" the song.  That is what I meant, anyway, but confused point taken and noted.  Thanks.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hope this makes sense.

Ah, Jeff.  Do you ever?

Actually, I appreciate your filling in some of the blanks in your arguments, and it is unfortunate that some of it can only be addressed in a "he said, she said" matter of reader preferences.  You being the "she," of course.

Injecting a little tone at the expense of a few lines is forgivable by all but the most exacting of standards, but your points are well taken nonetheless.  Looking over your post, I will only disagree on one fine point.

Quoted from Dreamscale "His long legs stride with purpose -- a man who knows where he is headed." basically, an unfilmable

I would argue that this description would translate directly to a filmed image.

Quoted from James McClung A new one from Bert...fits well into your oeuvre but offers something fresh at the same time.

Which is why I post so little -- as the unique ideas seem so few and far between.

But thanks for checking in, James.  Few reviewers cut to the heart of my stuff like you do.  And the fact that you join Jeff in raising an eyebrow at some of the liberties I have taken here does carry some weight.

Quoted from James McClung ...a tad too breezy for my taste. The atmosphere was there but I don't think it quite lived up to its potential.  Honestly, I think you could extend this one. At the very least, I think there should be some more buildup before Jean actually plays the record.

Huh.  You know, as mentioned elsewhere, this is actually a discarded idea from the short-lived idea of SoulShadows 3D -- (the shattered album, the gun to the nose, when Gaston flings the statue) -- so it was originally planned out for 20 pages or so.  Then I lopped it down.  Maybe you are sensing some of the missing material?

Quoted from James McClung (perhaps...showing shadows inside the room as opposed to Robert Johnson outright).

I just might crib that for when he is playing his song -- his shadow with the guitar.

Quoted from James McClung I LOVED Gaston's explanation of the blues/mighty fire. It made perfect sense to me and really brought an extra dimension to the story.

That was the first piece of dialogue written for this story, so thanks!  And then, it was murder trying to actually incorporate it somewhere.  Sabine pretty much exists in this world so Gaston has someone to speak the lines to haha.


Thanks again, guys.  Nobody has PM'd me for any return reads, so I may just have to start rooting around for old works.  You should get while the getting is good if you have something specific that needs a look.

This was a very satisfying read. Loved that dealer line ' said he could already
feel the fires of Hell lickin’ his skin.'

The only quibble I had was 'as he drives the butt of his shotgun into the bridge of our nose.', I can see what you mean, but the my pedantic side will scream POV!

I like the atmosphere and characters you created here, even for someone like me with limited exposure to New Orleans, I found myself lulled into that environment.

An eerie tale of caution. Good Job.

Hey, Eoin.  Apologies for the delayed response.  Been a crazy week.

Quoted from Eoin The only quibble I had was 'as he drives the butt of his shotgun into the bridge of our nose.', I can see what you mean, but the my pedantic side will scream POV!

Actually, I pretty much agree with you.  As mentioned elsewhere, at first this was envisioned as an episode for the short-lived SoulShadows 3-D idea.  That POV shot is one of several I just kind of held over from the original vision for this.

Quoted from Eoin …even for someone like me with limited exposure to New Orleans, I found myself lulled into that environment.

Thanks for saying so.  One of my concerns with this story in its present form is that it may assume too much on the part of the reader, so that is good to hear.

And thanks for taking the time to drop your thoughts, Eoin.  Very appreciated.

Bert

Love the image of the upright skeleton, in coffin, with guitar. A startling visual by itself but it also  gives us a sense of where we are, tone wise.

Similar to your “Paramour” script, location informs everything about it. And although I loathe to use the phrase, it does serve as another character, an identity. It also draws a comparison with “Paramour” since the opening of that features someone entering a, not so average, shop.

DEALER
You ain’t even been alive a
long time...talkin’ to me about
some kind of “long time.”

- Love that dialogue, reads very naturally.

The dialogue, on a whole, between the too, is brilliantly judged and fluent. I’m always a sucker for that dialect, something very ancient and nostalgic about even though I’ve never been there.

Loving the mythology of the Mighty Fire record, being somewhat familiar with Johnson’s sparse output and legend only increases my engagement with it.
Nice effect with the disappeared groove.

GASTON
Wasn’t open today. Weren’t
nobody here.

- Eerie reveal but to be honest, I anticipated it. Also, I wouldn’t have minded an explanation for the shop closing, could be any excuse e.g. bug infestation, a flood, etc just to help with the believability. I know it’s a superficial thing, I was just curious.

JEAN (O.S.)
Papa Legba...?

- If Jean is familiar with the figurine, how come he didn’t recognize it in the Dealer’s appearance? I wonder could Gaston have this line?

“Only a split-second to register Gaston -- as he drives the
butt of his shotgun into the bridge of our nose.”

- I like this transition in POV, as if the shotgun jabs the camera, effective.
Love the transition too from page 11 to 12, nice touch.

Although I said earlier that knowing the mythology surrounding Johnson enhances your connection to the story, it also has the negative effect of neutering some of the surprises within the script’s narrative since one will (at least I did)  assume that Jean is going to make the same Faustian pact.

YOUNG GIRL (O.S.)
Mama says ain’t nothing but
songs ‘bout cheatin’...one way
or ‘nother.

- Ha, this made me laugh.

GASTON
They got the blues in ‘em...
like a mighty fire that burn you
up from the inside. But it save
you, too. It’s the poison, and
the cure, all wrapped up together.
You understand?

- Rather beautiful summation if I do say so myself!

The “PORTRAIT FRAME” shot reminds me of the last shot in The Shining…a compliment by the way

Great work, Bert, we need to see more from you. Love the lore, the location, the subject and the cadence to the dialogue. As I said, basing it on an infamous blues legend has its pros and cons but I guess that can’t be helped.

Col.

Bert,

I read this weeks ago and didn't post anything. For once in my life, I was at a loss for words. You really took me into a world I knew nothing about and I bought every second of it. It resonated with me for a few days after the read. I can pay you no greater compliment as a writer IMO. You got my brain stirring. It's usually stuck on stupid.

The dialogue rang true. This would make a great little film but you would need some fantastic actors to capture the characters. Glad to see you post something new.

By the way, loved the opening lines. That's one way to insure you won't get a review from Jeff.


James

Col and James!  I get a little something from one of our great rational minds on the board, and a little something from...well, let's not go there.

Quoted from Col Love the image of the upright skeleton, in coffin, with guitar.

I believe you are the first to even mention this, leave alone picking up on its intended contribution to tone.  I think it would look great, too.  Thanks.

Quoted from col ...location informs everything about it...it does serve as another character...it also draws a comparison with "Paramours"...

The parallels to "Paramours" were a surprise to me.  It was not intentional, but yeah, I see it.

Quoted from col The dialogue, on a whole, between the too, is brilliantly judged and fluent. I'm always a sucker for that dialect, something very ancient and nostalgic about even though I've never been there.

Awesome, thanks!  I seldom get props for dialogue.  It seems to come so easy for some writers, but I really struggle with nearly every line.

Quoted from col ...being somewhat familiar with Johnson's sparse output and legend only increases my engagement with it.

While we have never met, I have always envisioned you as at least a bit of a blues man, Col.

Quoted from col If Jean is familiar with the figurine, how come he didn't recognize it in the Dealer's appearance?

Most in New Orleans will know of Papa Legba, the legend, but you would never expect to see him in person.  I guess it is like how you can walk right past somebody famous in person, but it is not until you see a trigger like a magazine or something and you are like, "Hey, it's that guy!"

Quoted from col knowing the mythology surrounding Johnson enhances your connection to the story, it also has the negative effect of neutering some of the surprises...

Yep, but honestly, there were really no surprises intended here.  It is more about the journey, and the foregone destination, with hopefully a few fresh things tossed in along the way.

And somebody else mentioned that final shot in The Shining.  I think I must have drawn off that subconsciously.  It was not intentional, but yeah, that last shot captures everything I was trying to convey here, too.

Quoted from col ...basing it on an infamous blues legend has its pros and cons

Yep, again.  The limited appeal is built in haha.  But I am glad it seems to have worked for you.  Thank you for taking the time to drop some thoughts, sir!

Quoted from jwent6688 For once in my life, I was at a loss for words.

That says it all.  I have nothing to add.

Quoted from jwent6688 This would make a great little film but you would need some fantastic actors to capture the characters.

You ever watch Treme?  Put some old-guy makeup on Clarke Peters and that is my fantasy-cast Papa Legba.

Quoted from jwent6688 By the way, loved the opening lines. That's one way to insure you won't get a review from Jeff.

You read my mind, bro!  Never got past page one haha.  

Thanks again, guys.  Fun to read your thoughts, and most appreciated.

Quoted from bert You read my mind, bro!  Never got past page one haha.

Assholes!!!  

Bert -

Just dropping a line that I'm *definitely* gearing up to read this!  A new short from you...(well, new for me, anyway.)  That's a must-read! And the concept looks enticing...  

Cheers,

--Janet (W)

*Spoilers*

Hey Bert,

Just read through Mighty Fire. Like a lot of others, I dig the artwork (even if it's not yours.)    And I was excited to see you coming out with a new short.  I always look forward to reading your stuff!  Besides, the topic was inherently interesting. New Orleans, Supernatural elements and Jazz? Oh yeah.  

BTW - after reading the script, I browsed through the reader's notes.  Discovering that the main characters are based on actual people and legends really did augment my enjoyment of the script.  Wish I'd known that before the read.  *Sigh*

Very memorable.  Job well done, as usual.  It's funny; one of the SS readers (I don't remember which one) objected to some of your more lyrical descriptions.  Such as: We ain't talking about the Quarter now, and More like a record shack, really.  For me, it's bits like that which made this short stand out for me, and be something special.

If I were to suggest anything, it'd be to see all other descriptions streamlined further.  Tighter and sharper, while still keeping occasional poetic gems like the ones mentioned above.  IMO, that would make the script "stand-out" even more.  Of course, that's just my personal taste and style - and may not be your preference or vision. Just IMHO.

Re: interpretations...  The way I read it (not knowing the existing mythos for Johnson or Legba) was that Johnson and Jean *were* two separate men completely.  Legba, being a demon-type entity, is on the hunt to collect souls - using Johnson's record as bait to lure in new victims over the years.  As each is "taken", reality warps...resulting in the latest victim taking Johnson's place in history.  And so, the cycle continues...  

I'm not sure where Gaston would fit in with that...except perhaps as a shopkeeper being paid off by Legba for his assistance. I could see where it *might* work to shorten Gaston's role to a mere exchange of cash and/or even remove Sabine.  (Although, she's a nice 'save the cat' moment for his character.)  Not sure...but it's a possible tact to take...

Regardless, I *love* how you got the two concepts of Johnson and Legba to intersect. Really nice.  I think this one will linger for awhile...  Not to mention, make a really great produced short someday!

Cheers,

--Janet (W)

Cool avatar, Bert.  Phantasm is a classic.  

Got to read, Bert.

I read this as Hellraiser meets Tillight Zone.

In these type of stories, I don't think there needs to be a lot of explanations.

However, I guess I never got the vibe that Jean wanted to be a great musician. Granted, you showed that he didn't want to give up his guitar but, I think there needs to be a bit more. Maybe show a scene where he talks to someone about his guitar ability?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hi Bert.

What a wonderful read. You certainly took me into that world, I felt like I was right there. Very atmospheric and great characterisation. Liked the title. Not sure if this is the title of a real song but works well with the script, given Jean is so ambitious and has that fire in his belly to the extent he would sell his soul to the devil.
The ending left me a little confused though, but it was very enjoyable nonetheless. best, H

Hi Bert!
As I saw one of your comments I clicked on the link to see a real moderator's script. I didn't read the comments, so maybe there are repetitions.

I like the script. I have to say that I feel like there should be another draft to polish some things to the "optimum".

There are little points of interactions which I don't realize as well as they imo should be - to the point.

When the vinyl plops out of the shelf, I didn't see an appropriate reaction by Jean.
When Jean wakes up at the crossroad, his behavior seems that he really goes on the scripts road-he locks in in these surrealistic hell-know he will lose his soul etc. For me it's not enough developed, that he could take his fate so, don't know how to say, casually. His inner fight isn't big enough.

The dealer explains a lot like a tale, I saw a few sentences, you hang on, but if you would erase them, nothing would change. I would cut THESE KIND of sentences all.

The last point is, I recognized from the start that you add some literal underlinings to strenghen the impression of your desription, at least you, I think so, want to help us to keep the right focus.
I think that voice and sensibilty you want to strenghen here, is already in the dialogue and as well in the description without these "bonus advice". I know some scripts need this stuff sometimes, I think you should ask yourself why you decide to go that way. I guess the answer will bring up a reason which doesn't justify that decision, cause it just feels like a foreign matter to your script IMO, it Brakes the flow. That whole tale-spirit is already there and that's cool, but these special inputs feel a bit playful.

Hey, I haven't really much to critizize the stuff your showing as whole. I enjoyed. Maybe you can raise some tension by letting Jean fight his fate. Entertaining script

Ok. I read the comments now. I have to say I really just have these subsidiary points I mentioned above. From the logical site I had no problems at all. I hadn't got knowledge about the actor or Papa Legba, but was sure about that it's about "Guitar-Voodoo" and that Jean owned his short fame on the picture of the last victim in the footsteps of the legend Mighty fire song.

Thank you, P.M., both for the thoughtful comments and for reminding me there were additional comments to which I had neglected to respond.

I did not want to disrupt the October OWC with comments here -- but then I forgot to come back to them -- and apologize to those commenting at the time -- an oversight I will correct with my next post.

Quoted from PrussianMosby I clicked on the link to see a real moderator's script.

Ha...contrary to popular belief, that is certainly no guarantee of quality.

Quoted from PrussianMosby When Jean wakes up at the crossroad...it's not enough developed, that he could take his fate so, don't know how to say, casually. His inner fight isn't big enough.

You could be right about that. But he knows exactly what he is doing, and I think such a "bargain" only works if you do not reflect on it too much.  The more you struggle with the decision, the less likely you are to follow through.  What he wanted was right there for the taking, and he took it.

Quoted from PrussianMosby I recognized from the start that you add some literal underlinings to strenghen the impression of your description…I think that voice and sensibilty you want to strenghen here, is already in the dialogue and as well in the description without these "bonus advice". I think you should ask yourself why you decide to go that way.

Yes, I do get called out for that, and take it as a criticism that is entirely fair.

My only response is that I write for fun, and if I disallow such things, the act of writing becomes less fun for me.  And if I am not having fun, what is the point?

I totally agree that it is too self-indulgent for some readers, but I guess my target audience is those who are more likely to forgive such transgressions.

Quoted from PrussianMosby …it's about "Guitar-Voodoo" and that Jean owned his short fame on the picture of the last victim in the footsteps of the legend Mighty fire song.

Haha...that is as good a summation as I've read.  Thank you for your comments and for taking the time to let me know what you thought.

Quoted from wonkavite Like a lot of others, I dig the artwork (even if it's not yours.)

Yeah, I went in and added a link to the guy’s work.  An important oversight I neglected at the time.  He is a talented dude, for sure, though I do not know him.  I hope he would be flattered, should he stumble upon the site.

Quoted from wonkavite Discovering that the main characters are based on actual people and legends really did augment my enjoyment of the script.  Wish I'd known that before the read.

I have no idea why I just assumed everybody would know this stuff haha.  Every new script teaches us a little something as authors, and one takeaway here certainly relates to that issue.

Quoted from wonkavite It's funny; one of the SS readers (I don't remember which one) objected to some of your more lyrical descriptions…it's bits like that which made this short stand out for me, and be something special.

I’ll bet you do so remember who it was haha.  But I don’t write for that guy.  You cannot please everyone, so it is lunacy to try, you know?

Quoted from wonkavite If I were to suggest anything, it'd be to see all other descriptions streamlined further.

So noted.  You are not the first "tolerant" reader to suggest that this script might be a little too self-indulgant, and that is helpful to hear.

Quoted from wonkavite Re:  interpretations...I'm not sure where Gaston would fit in with that...

Your take on this is close to my own, and I have the same problem that you do.  Even I am not totally certain how Gaston fits in to all of this.  Giving him the roll of money from Jean was a last minute addition, and now I second-guess that.

Removing that money would further remove Gaston from the central story, and now I kind of want these events to happen (mostly) independent of his involvement.  He would not be complicit, but totally ignorant.  But thinking on it too much gives me a headache and I have kind of written myself into a corner with this one.
  
Thanks again for your thoughts, Janet.  Always enjoyable to read your take on things.

Quoted from Guest Cool avatar, Bert.  Phantasm is a classic.

I know, right?

Quoted from Mr.Ripley However, I guess I never got the vibe that Jean wanted to be a great musician.

Hm.  That is an interesting comment.  Now I wonder if I neglected that aspect and simply assumed it went without saying.  I need to go back and look.

Thanks, Gabe

Quoted from harrietb Not sure if this is the title of a real song but works well with the script, given Jean is so ambitious and has that fire in his belly to the extent he would sell his soul to the devil.

I am surprised that you are the first to ask about the song itself.

I cribbed the title from a little-known song by John Lee Hooker.  His version has nothing to do with this story, however.  Mr. Hooker sings in his typical blues fashion about a fire at a large barn dance where many lost their lives.  Not the happiest of songs, of course, but I have always thought the title held power on its own.

Thanks again, Harriet, and the rest of you guys, for sharing your thoughts.  Fun to read them, and most appreciated.

Apologies once more for the delay in responding.

I owe a couple of feature reads but thought I'd take the time to read this. After your western I knew what to expect and you didn't disappoint. The classic 'deal with the devil' story, and you did it in an original way which has to be applauded.

Really well done. Well told, the story makes perfect sense. No plot holes. Characters well defined.

Just my type of short.

Hey, thank you, Dustin.  An unexpected surprise -- and a nice way to begin my Monday morning -- as you do not seem too shy about expressing negative opinions.

As an added bonus, you can now raise your middle finger to those who accuse you of hating absolutely everything

I couldn't find anything negative in the story. You write asides, but they aren't overly done. I like these 'twilight zone' type stories. The twilight zone was inspiration for all of my shorts.

To take an age old story, that's been told a million times, and make it fresh and entertaining isn't an easy thing to do. You avoided all cliche, and if you didn't, it wasn't obvious enough for me to notice.

I have liked and praised quite a few scripts here. I'm most likely to enjoy reading thrillers. Westerns are my second favourite and I also like twisted tales similar to this one.

Good luck in getting it produced. Have you ever tried listing shorts on inktip? I believe it's free. Never done it myself, but I do have one feature listed there.

What's up with these shorts, Bert?  Write another badass feature!

Although I think I might spend tomorrow morning checking out your oldies...


--Steve

Burt,

Had to read this as I'm a huge blues fan. I really enjoyed this little tale. It was very effectively written. And enjoyed the writing quite a bit.

Thought you did a great job with the description, setting tone, mood the world. Great job with dialogue and the creole accents.

Wasn't sure if the angle, mini slugs were completely necessary before being introduced to the scene headings. Particularly the one where we are already in the music shop. We see the shot of the record in the brown wrapper then go back to INT. Record shop. But we are already there. Think this is obvious style choice. Not really a big deal. Just confused me for a split second.

But overall I really loved this. Cool to read a spooky little blues tale. Especially with all the myth and mystery that surrounds Robert Johnson.

Nice job. Very fun read.

Quoted from JimiLamp Had to read this as I'm a huge blues fan.

Thanks, Jimi.  I am always pleased when this one finds its way into the hands of a blues fan.  That is who it was really written for, in a way.

Quoted from JimiLamp Wasn't sure if the angle, mini slugs were completely necessary before being introduced to the scene headings. Particularly the one where we are already in the music shop.  Just confused me for a split second.

You are not the first person to say this.  The bit with the whiskey glass is another instance where I do that, and I am probably doing it wrong.  I should re-examine that technique a bit and try to smooth it out somehow.  Thanks for noting a problem.  That is the most helpful stuff, actually.

Quoted from JimiLamp ...the myth and mystery that surrounds Robert Johnson.

I know, right?  I have been intrigued by his story for years.  Took a while to write one, but glad to have it done.  Thanks for reading!

Bert,

Mighty Fire proved to be an enjoyable read. A lot of that has to do with your writing skills. There are numerous elements that stand out, as other writers have pointed out. Yet, something is missing?  Do you feel the same? Have you given any thought to what's misfiring?

Just putting that out there as I gather my thoughts.

I'll give you a complete review in a day or two.

Abe

Quoted from Abe from LA Yet, something is missing?  Do you feel the same? Have you given any thought to what's misfiring?

Well, that is a pretty loaded question, Abe.

I mean, any author worth their salt should be riddled with self-doubt, right?

I have my own thoughts on that, but do not want to prejudice your own.

Curious as to your take on things, as always -- but a proven filmmaker has been sniffing around this one -- so please do not blow it out of the water haha!

Bert,

I read Mighty Fire a while back and chose to stew in my thoughts before commenting. You should know up front that I’m not a Blues fan, so I would not be your intended audience.

About 80 percent of MF is pretty darn good; good enough to make this story work for most readers. The remaining 20 percent is about potential, and if you care to go there.
  
It’s easy to get caught up in the best parts of Mighty Fire — the colorful dialect, Robert Johnson’s history, the mystery of the “last song,” the allure of Louisiana folklore, including the engaging Papa Legba, the richness of the Blues music, and the selling of one’s soul for immortality.

That’s great stuff right out of the chute. And snap if we aren’t all mesmerized by your masterful writing skills. Nice job, but you’re only part way to Mecca, my friend.

… I think you’ve written yourself into a corner. You’re making the plot/journey more important than your main character.
That’s an easy thing to do when trying to stay “true” to a mythological story with a prescribed ending. But you can create a unique main character without comprising this story’s conclusion.

My recommendation is to focus more energy in 2 areas.

1.  Your Protagonist.
2.  The song Mighty Fire.

Let’s say you have 2 guys who need to make fast  $$bank.
Guy No. 1 buys 100 lottery tickets hoping for a payoff.  Guy No. 2 is a real gambler, and he rides his last $100 on the roll of the dice. Both characters have the same goal, but take different approaches because they have diff. personalities, with different stakes. Jean seems like Guy No. 1, who is low risk, cautious; the second guy has an addictive personality, driven by inner demons, so he’s high risk—and interesting.

The outcome for both is the same, but the journey is different. Bert, I’m telling you nothing you don’t already know. This cat Jean Juneau seems to have no back story. He’s predictable.

I’m challenging you to make Jean unique. Get creative with his character. Start with empathy, then weave in his motives, his fears, create a solid past for him and that will give you subtext.
Juneau’s initial objective is to find the record and listen to the song. His greater goal is to be immortalized as one of the great bluesmen.

But why? What need does immortality fulfill?
How does Juneau think Mighty Fire will change his life? And what action does he expect to take after hearing the song? What is he risking?

Inconsequential questions? Probably to a lesser screenwriter. But to you, Bert, tapping into your creative soul for the answers will make this story sing.

Look at every scene and think about adding freshness. Drive the story forward with surprises. Create an epiphany for Jean. I want to say, “Whoa, Bert, I didn’t see that one coming.”

From the beginning.

Jean arrives in the Seventh Ward: A chance to establish empathy.
You introduce Jean as he is “strolling—striding,” with his “battered acoustic guitar.”
Consider introducing him as he arrives in town.
Jean could be a traveler from out of town, a fish out of water. Maybe he’s from another state, or from a rural area of Louisiana. Does he arrive in a taxi? Step off a bus? Hop from the back of a pickup truck?

How is Jean dressed? Farm clothes? In his moth-eaten Sunday suit? Does he have a physical condition, like a bum leg, that gets our sympathy? Is his weakness visible or hidden?
If he is a traveler, he could have a suitcase or a duffel bag. Did his mom or wife pack him some sandwiches? Does one shoe flap when he walks because the sole is loose? Does his guitar have pock marks, written inscriptions, missing strings. Is he dirt poor?

You don’t have to go overboard on descriptions. But choose wisely.
Empathy will get us to root for Juneau.
_________

When he meets Papa Legba in the record store, Jean’s dialogue seems long-winded, expository. Look at pages 3, 4, 5 and half of 6. Legba does a lot of talking, which is colorful and maybe challenging. But Jean talks too much. He even recites what he knows of the mythological journey.

Consider minimizing Juneau’s dialogue (especially the top of page 3), but make his words count.
I’ve heard that good dialogue is often an exchange of power. Here is an opportunity for some verbal sparring to advance the story. Legba says: “And the men who were brave enough… fool enough… to capture such a song — “
Juneau might counter, “But I’m no fool,” meaning he isn’t like the others.
Legba can cross-counter that “bravery” isn’t enough.

Maybe no musician has ever returned from the journey because not one has discovered (or mastered) the power of “Mighty Fire.” Perhaps it’s a ‘lost’ song because its meaning hasn’t been understood; its mystery has yet to be unraveled.

Jean can respond by implying that he knows something, maybe he has a secret of his own to beat the odds.

Rehash:   1) The title song contains something that all musicians want. Let Papa Legba build on this secret power to create drama.

2) Empower Jean Juneau. We figure he’s a good/great blues man. But what makes him worthy, better than others who have come before him? Many have taken the journey, but not one has been immortalized. Is Jean to be the first?

3)  Allow the dialogue to push the story forward. Look for spots to add subtext to reveal fears and weaknesses. And hint at strengths, something to pin our hopes on.
Bert, you figure out how this can work and what can be said. My point is find a way to create mystery and propel the story forward.

Time out to reference my favorite version of  Jason and the Argonauts (1963). The Harryhausen classic.

At 11 minutes, Jason says that he has returned to claim his rightful place as king of Thessaly. This is his primary objective.   At 12 minutes Jason reveals a plan to restore faith in the people of Thessaly—before he can be their ruler. He must find the mythical golden fleece. This quest is his immediate goal.

And its revealed that he does not believe in the Gods.
But he has a specific need only the Gods can fulfill. So before the journey, he arrives at Mt. Olympus to meet Zeus and other Gods.

ZEUS:   What is it you want, a ship, a crew?

JASON: No. Those things I can find myself.

ZEUS:   And what will you use in place of gold?

JASON: The hearts of men.

HERA:   I am Hera, queen of the Gods, and your protector on this voyage. But my Lord Zeus has decreed a limit to the number of times I may help you… do not speak now, I know what you must ask: Does the golden fleece exist and if so, where is it?

ZEUS:   That’s two questions.

HERA:   And I shall help him with one answer. Search in the land of Colchis.

JASON: Then it does exist. But Colchis, that’s the end of the world. No Greek has ever sailed there.

ZEUS:   Now that you’ve heard that are you so sure you will not need my help? Think carefully…

ZEUS (to all the Gods in Mt. Olympus): I offered him a ship, a ship and a crew. And he refused me.

A GOD:  Refused the help of the Gods?!

ZEUS (to Jason): What ship is strong enough to reach the end of the world? What crew brave enough to sail in it?

JASON:  I shall tell the ship builders of Greece that the richest cargo in the world awaits in Colchis. The golden fleece is worth a kingdom. And I shall say only the strongest ship ever built will survive the voyage. The athletes of Greece are proud. I’ll tell them only the best can expect to place in the most perilous voyage in history. I shall announce a games, invite the strongest and bravest of the Greeks. No greater games shall ever be held… unless the Gods decree otherwise.

ZEUS:   I did well to choose you, Jason. The gods are best served by those who want their help least.
___

There is a lot of exposition here and the dialogue at times runs long, but it is an example of the exchange of power between characters, and how it drives the story forward by adding tension, conflict and danger.

This scene also reveals how Jason has confidence in himself, and that he only seeks out the Gods for information — not for physical attributes.

Now think about the record Mighty Fire. It’s sort of a McGuffin — its content not important to us. But to Jean, it’s his golden fleece.
Remember, he isn’t asking to be magically transformed into a great blues musician. His goal is to hear the song. Knowledge is power. So, the knowledge Jean gains from the experience is your turning point in the story. And will drive him forward at the crossroads.
___________
I like the scene where Juneau must surrender his guitar (soul) for the record. But can you add more to it? Let’s say Jean opens his wallet, offering all the cash. This is an op to add to his story. Might we see a photo. A picture of his family, maybe?
Or maybe an old photo of Robert Johnson posing with a mysterious young stranger. Possibly a fellow musician, Jean’s grandfather?? Lots of ways to go, but create mystery and a possible solution on how Jean can beat the odds of the journey.
When Jean finally pulls out the roll of money (a last resort), he can let us know that it’s his life savings. So, now he’s gambling everything to learn the secret of Mighty Fire. More risk, more tension.

And why is this guitar so important? Maybe it was passed down from his father and grandfather (back story). So the guitar could have some identifiable physical features, which could come into play later.
_________________
P 6-7
I’m not in favor of Jean drinking, but can live with it.
You have Juneau back at his apartment? No way. It just doesn’t work if this guy lives within walking distance of the record store. Again, a traveler feels right for this story. It’s part of his long journey.
How about Jean staying at a seedy hotel?

I get why Jean has to use headphones. But let it be for organic reasons. Such as the hotel walls are so thin, we can hear the whores and the johns moaning. No way can Jean listen to Mighty Fire over somebody’s orgasm.
He’ll have to borrow a record player, headphones. Maybe from the front desk. Obviously this is off-camera stuff.

OK, I’m with you on the visuals as we see Jean listening to MF.
PP  7-8
Jean’s reaction, his frustration. We don’t know why he’s reacting this way here. He should pull the headphone jack from the record player. A natural reaction in case the headphone is malfunctioning.
Frustration – Jean shatters the record. An impulse. OK, I get it.
So, now what? The record grooves have disappeared. Some strange hoodoo going on? So, frustration pushes  Jean to continue the journey?

Consider: Can’t Jean’s frustration give way to ENLIGHTENMENT? Let’s give him a moment of epiphany.  This will be a plot point in the story.
The song should inspire Jean. Mighty Fire burns in his eyes, for it has awakened something internal. What does he do?
He takes a pen and writes words on a napkin or toilet paper. Or the palm of his hand.
Is he trying to recall the lyrics of Mighty Fire, as he heard it? It’s a mystery for now, but it has our attention.
Is Jean a songwriter? A great songwriter? Somebody who could be inspired by Mighty Fire to pen a great blues tune. Maybe.
________
Now you’ve empowered Jean to return for his guitar. Now it’s about the music that is the pull, and his willingness to gamble and take the journey. He believes he has solved the riddle.

After the journey, I wouldn’t mind seeing a brief scene of Jean Juneau playing in a nightclub (MOS). Just to know that he is a real musician, and has reaped the benefits of the journey.
A nightclub scene will also duplicate the RJ scene earlier in the script.
____________
Another way to go?

Consider:  What if Jean only heard part of Mighty Fire? Maybe the lost song is only ½ a song. What if Robert Johnson died before finishing it?
And now Jean thinks he can complete the song. Thus, his music and Robert Johnson’s music become one.
________________
Me thinks there is only one way to end this story and that is Robert Johnson returning over and over. He returns to complete his song through the soul of other bluesmen. Your instincts here were spot on.

If that immortal photo of Jean Juneau on the wall is really Robert Johnson incarnated, we could see RJ with JJ’s guitar. Every young blues hopeful adds something to the legend — if they’re worthy. Most aren’t.

Bert, the beauty is you don’t have to overhaul your story. You can keep the story line intact, because in the end, Jean’s goals have been met. His arc has been completed.

Think about making interesting and surprising choices for Jean so the journey feels fresh. This should be up your creative alley.   I hope you’re inspired to take the journey.

— Abe

Thanks again, Abe, for another batch of notes that are every bit as daunting as they are thought-provoking.  Like you, I mulled things over a bit prior to responding.

Quite a bit to take in, and while I am not sure I am going in the exact direction you propose, a new spin I am pondering does spring directly from your thoughts.  

Quoted from Abe from LA I think you have written yourself into a corner...the plot/journey more important than your main character...an easy thing to do when trying to stay "true" to a mythological story with a prescribed ending.

While I had hoped Jean was not bland, I cannot deny that this story is less about him and more about the events that surround him.

Quoted from Abe from LA What is he risking?

Yep.  So fundamental, and I appreciate your shaking that out.  You make many fair points and good suggestions in regards to this, and I take exception with only a few.

Quoted from Abe from LA Jean could be a traveler from out of town, a fish out of water.

But Jean is a product of this environment, and he is meant to be at home on the seedy streets of NOLA.  I do agree with suggesting that a long and arduous journey be implied, apart from simple dialogue.  This needs thought.

The veritable tutorial on dialogue that you provided needs no comment, really.  It is acknowledged and gratefully accepted.  This also needs thought.  Lots of good things in there, actually.

Quoted from Abe from LA Empower Jean Juneau...what makes him worthy...maybe he has a secret of his own to beat the odds?

Landing now on one of the minor items from your spectrum of thoughts, what you have me toying with is the idea that the guitar is more than just a guitar; this is why Legba wants it, and why it is an asset to Jean during his journey.  Perhaps there is some source of power there.  Or something.

Another poster commented that the guitar should be a "character."  This struck me as a bit silly at the time, but less so upon reflection.

Not sure what I am doing with that thought, exactly, but it is there now.

Quoted from Abe from LA I get why Jean has to use headphones. But let it be for organic reasons.  Such as the hotel walls are so thin, we can hear the whores and the johns moaning.

This I love haha.  Perhaps your specific example, perhaps something else, but on the whole, near-perfect in the old feedback department.  It is a detail that troubled me a bit, why he would even use them.

Quoted from Abe from LA The song should inspire Jean. Mighty Fire burns in his eyes, for it has awakened something internal.

Well, yeah.  I went with madness.  Too subtle, perhaps, and I do not think anybody is really getting that.  But then, it was not supposed to be overt, either; only suggested.

Quoted from Abe from LA He takes a pen and writes words on a napkin or toilet paper.

Love this, too, and I say this in part because I totally played with exactly this idea early on. And the paper would be blank when Jean examined it later.  But it became an awkward detail to shoehorn into the story, disrupting the flow.  Perhaps that avenue is not a complete dead-end, though.  More thought.

Quoted from Abe from LA In the end, Jean's goals have been met. His arc has been completed.

But this is supposed to be tragic!  A parable of abject failure.  We are traveling in the realm of the Blues here.  But again, that is plot trumping character, isn't it, and I get what you are saying.

And I get all of it, even the pieces and parts absent in these comments.  It is interesting (and frustrating) to see where you go poking ol' Jean in the ribs and find him lacking.

Thanks again for all of this, Abe.  You are always a pleasure to read when you go deep.  While I realize that you seem to pop into SS with all the frequency of a deadbeat dad, please let me know when you have something new floating around so that the favor might be returned.  Cheers.

Bert,

The curious thing is that this story of the musician’s journey and the crossroads is so familiar, yet I never saw the movie, “Crossroads,” nor had any idea who Robert Johnson was prior to your story, and my only recollection of Papa Legba was possibly through an episode of “Miami Vice.”
So, go figure.

I hear you about the story being king in this instance. I read it initially for the story, and then made a couple of follow-up reads for character, with the “what if…” angle.

Also strange (on my part) is that the more I read, the less ominous Legba seemed. I guess I never saw him as evil, more of a predator in wait. Maybe like a spider on a web. Victims come to him opposed to him being part of the “lure.”

Gradually he became less predatory and more about temptation and the good/evil in all of us. Legba also has such colorful dialogue, how could I hate the guy?

There is one enjoyable thing I didn’t mention earlier.
The little girl Sabine is one of my favorite characters here. There’s a freshness and unfamiliarity about her. I tuned into her character immediately. Could you introduce her earlier? What if she’s in the shop when Jean first arrives? That would make her part of the both worlds. But since she is Gaston’s daughter, I guess that would be awkward.

One suggestion is to have Sabine holding the Papa Legba doll near the story’s end. That seems natural. She can toss the doll to Jean. Opps, I guess it’s a figurine, rather than a doll. My bad.

Just an observation, but when you introduce the rogue’s gallery of Bluesmen, I wondered if they too had sold their souls.  That popped into my head on first read.

Another niggle. Why is Jean age 27? I guess it’s to fit into the story and make the connection to RJ. But when I first saw age 27, and that Jean lives close to the shop, I asked, “What the hell took this guy so long to search for MF?” When did this guy get into the blues?
Just throwing that out there.

At the crossroads, Legba tells Jean “if you take one more step forward, ain’t no turning back.” I’d like to see Jean take that step forward — to retrieve his guitar.

In the end, not sure why Gaston approaches the portrait of Robert Johnson? It’s as if he sees Juneau’s face instead of RJ’s. If Gaston is in on the mythological element, then so be it. Can Sabine be also in on the myth?

It’s true, if Gaston deposits the roll of Jean’s money into the register, he’s guilty. He knows. An alternative would be if Sabine opens the register and deposits the $$. She can be the link. Gaston might not even notice.

And from Sabine, then we can see that grinning Legba statuette. You can see that I’m looking for every opp to get Sabine more involved, ha ha.  

Again, it’s your writing skills that made this a worthy journey for me. The characters’ accent had me from the getgo.  Nice job overall and as always, anything I say hopefully provokes thought.
Good luck with this script.

— Abe

Quoted from Abe from LA The little girl Sabine is one of my favorite characters here…Could you introduce her earlier?

Now there's a thought.

Quite honestly, Sabine was simply a construct placed there so Gaston could deliver his final lines regarding the blues.  Fact is, that dialogue was one of the first things I had written for this piece, and I could never work it in.

It was driving me crazy.  So I just created Sabine to solve the problem.

Interesting that you think she is Gaston's daughter.  She is just a hang-around kid, but I see where you are coming from.

The idea of using her as a bookend -- up front, then again at the conclusion -- is yet another intriguing idea.  Perhaps she could clear up a bit of the ambiguity here in a non-expository fashion?

Just because she was a tossed-off bit of character does not mean she cannot serve a greater function here, and I like many of the nuggets you propose for her.  I am just not sure yet which ones I like the most haha.

I will certainly stir that into the pot and see what happens.  Again, thank you, Abe, for your time and insight.  Good stuff, as always.

Bert, did you ever get this produced in the end? See you mentioned you had some interest in it last year.

Quoted from Britman Bert, did you ever get this produced in the end?

Well, "in the end" is a relative term in movie time.  Like basketball minutes.

He was upfront that any real activity was likely to occur sometime this year.  I am still in touch with the guy, and there are reasons that I have confidence in his abilities.  He has a past track record that impresses.

Thanks for asking, though.  Unlike some, I prefer to keep pending work under my hat until there is actually something to show for it.  I would certainly update here if there was anything to watch, but prior to a finished film, the rest is really all talk and fluff.

Very well done, my friendo. Very tight, not a line wasted. Smart dialogue lines. Fascinating mythology that blends the blues world with the voodoo world.

My only quip, which has been mentioned before by other readers, is that the exact terms of the deal start to become a tad blurry near the end. Now that I read your explanation, I get it and I'm thinking that maybe, if I was a blues fan, I would have had a deeper understanding of the piece without any explanations needed.

Still, very solid piece.  

Thanks for looking, Z, and nice to see you back around.

Quoted from Mr.Z ...if I was a blues fan, I would have had a deeper understanding of the piece without any explanations needed.

Yeah, I acknowledge that as both a weakness and a strength of this one.  I was shooting for broad appeal, but particular appeal for a niche audience.  You kind of straddle a line with that approach, sometimes.

Nice to hear that someone in the broader audience could still get something from it.

I'll be on the lookout for any MP submissions I might have missed should they start popping up.  Cheers.  

Hey Bert,

Somehow this one slipped through the cracks. Don't know if you're still looking for input, seeing it was written a few years ago but I like your stuff (especially the lesbian western thingy) so here goes.

First thing I noticed was lotsa white on those pages. A 14-page short can feel very long sometimes but this one was such a breeze to read, minimal fuss but enough to make the story and characters engaging.

The writing was, as I've come to expect from you, really good. However...

Quoted Text A warped shingle on the door -- OPEN -- seems more a challenge than an invitation.

Cute and all but...really?

There was also a few pieces of dialogue where I wasn't sure whether there were typos, or it was just slang. I will obviously give you the benefit of the doubt.

The story itself started off real good, I liked the how easily you created the mood and the setting. The lost record was a good angle but it seemed that you switched it up after that, turning the attention to the guitar (which I guess was a metaphor for Jean's soul - or maybe not a metaphor). This all felt like a cross between Angel Heart and the music video for Radiohead's "Just" (and if you haven't seen that one, then do it now) - and I mean that in a good way.

But I would personally have stuck with the record, I thought that was real hook of the story because of the mysterious folk lore and what not. The "I sold my soul and now I want it back" thingy has been done before, you know?

Anyway, I was entertained, so good stuff.

Cheers
Rob

Hey, Snipe.  Thanks for looking this one over.

Quoted from sniper Cute and all but...really?

I have no justification.  Just amusing myself.  Guilty as charged.

Quoted from sniper There was also a few pieces of dialogue where I wasn't sure whether there were typos, or it was just slang. I will obviously give you the benefit of the doubt.

Yeah, I don't attempt dialects all that often, but I know the south well enough that I felt comfortable with that here.

Quoted from sniper But I would personally have stuck with the record...

I know what you are saying here.  Before I even had anything on the page, the seed of the story was just the idea of the record alone.  Sometimes the story just goes where it goes, but I agree the record itself is the strongest element here.

Quoted from sniper This all felt like a cross between Angel Heart and the music video for Radiohead's "Just" (and if you haven't seen that one, then do it now)

So, you are one of very few people who could direct me to watch a video and have me actually track it down for a look.  I was not disappointed.

And what is really cool, I found that if you turn the volume way up, you can hear the man say, “Dreamscale has a new script.”

I would write more, but I am suddenly feeling the need for a nap.

Cheers, Rob.  Thanks.

Quoted from bert “Dreamscale has a new script.”

Hahahaha - best theory I've ever heard.

OK, guys...what the heck is going on here?

Dreamscale doesn't post his "new scripts" here anymore.  Nowadays, I only post them in my head, where the reviews are all 100% glowing!