The Cleaner by Rene Claveau - Short, Comedy - A bodyguard walks in on the cleaner hired to dispose of his client's body. 6 pages

production: Ultra-low budget - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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The Cleaner from WhiteRock Productions on Vimeo.

Hi Rene,

This is well written and formatted.

Story wise I didn't think there was really a lot going on. The jokes felt forced.

I agree that it is ultra-low budget and would be easy to film but would it really be that interesting to watch?

It is essentially a job interview with no real punch or twist.

Good luck with it.

Rene,

Like the set-up.  A darkly comic situation and dead-pan delivery that I could see a couple of comic actors having fun with.  Thought the ending would carry more punch or a twist than it did - fell flat for me.  Perhaps more amusing on-screen with the music backing it up..?

Is it important we know where the breakfast bar is in relation to the room?  It’s a niggle, but for the life of me that opening visual doesn’t quite click.

Steve

Your script was entertaining, and you managed to make a dark subject lighthearted, which I liked. You started off really badly on your title page though, as a space should be under 'by'. Not a great first impression, lol. Maybe you could think of something to make your story more unique.

I'm very happy to announce that this script has been filmed! Check it out:

Cleaners

Nice, mate.

Acting was great.

The back and forth camera angles were a bit distracting.

Good on ya. Congrats

Hey Rene,

Loved the short film. Very well done. Congrats on getting this one produced.

~Zack~

Congrats!

I'm glad they had subtitles, lol! At first I thought it was something wrong with my hearing.  

Yes, thank god for the subtitles!

Congrats, Rene! The actors were great.

Super duper congrats Rene!!

So, this short was filmed again with a North American crew, and it just went public in an online film festival. It's amazing to see how the same source material can end up so wildly different.

The Cleaner

Congrats! I think I like this one better than the first one. I don't think I've read the script, just watched the films, but I imagine the script must have been fun.  

Good going! I like both versions - very different.

Didn't like the ending (not in your script) the filmmakers added to the latest. The comedic version sits better with me but I suppose that's personal preference.

Must feel good being in demand.
It's a really enjoyable script (just read it). A pity those Queen royalties would cost so much. Got that song in my head now. Pictured it, loved it!

I'm just happy to be a part of people getting things made. I was fascinated with this being done twice though, that's a rare opportunity and I'm stoked by it.

Whatever music I throw into a script, I expect to settle for whatever the rights & clearances people can swing with the budget. It's just to convey my intent, not a plot point.