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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Feedback
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Don
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Feedback by Frank MacCrory - Short, Comedy - A screenwriter tries to explain why he is so frustrated with the feedback his script received. 1 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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IamGlenn
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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In the very first action block there's an orphan. Not good.


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ajr
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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There's an orphan in every line. That's the point of the script.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Zack
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Clever.

Zack


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Terrible, not a single Wrylie.


Quoted from ajr
There's an orphan in every line. That's the point of the script.


I think Glenn was being sarcastic


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IamGlenn
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Sorry, ajr. Sarcasm is tough to get through online.


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Max Ruddock
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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is this a rewrite of the script that was up recently?


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FrankM
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from IamGlenn
In the very first action block there's an orphan. Not good.



Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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FrankM
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 12:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max Ruddock
is this a rewrite of the script that was up recently?


This is basically the same one that I put up in the WIP section. I had formatted the OP the way Don formats official script threads, mostly because the idea popped into my head while submissions were closed for the OWC.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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FrankM
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from IamGlenn
Sorry, ajr. Sarcasm is tough to get through online.


Next time your dialogue isn't clear from the context, you can always use a wrylie


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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bert
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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This is kind of funny and kind of pointless at the same time.

Problem is, for a script, the joke only works in scripted form.

It's totally inside baseball, with nothing here to film.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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FrankM
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
This is kind of funny and kind of pointless at the same time.

Problem is, for a script, the joke only works in scripted form.

It's totally inside baseball, with nothing here to film.


This is true, it's akin to using goofy variable names and comments inside a computer program. There is something to film, but the main point would be completely lost in that format.

The best thing that could possibly happen to this script would be becoming a gag in a book on writing, but even without that, I thought the SS community would get a kick out of it.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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bert
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Quoted from FrankM
...I thought the SS community would get a kick out of it.


You may or may not be amused to find out that orphans have been kicking around these boards for a while -- in fact, they are nearly adults now, I suppose.

From 2006!


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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FrankM
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


You may or may not be amused to find out that orphans have been kicking around these boards for a while -- in fact, they are nearly adults now, I suppose.

From 2006!


2006? Not quite adults, but old enough to try to fake it...

https://youtu.be/j7bxmgAnLG4


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Kirsten
Posted: February 24th, 2019, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hahahaha, very cute.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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