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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Ash Hole - May2
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  Author    Ash Hole - May2  (currently 1417 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ash Hole by David C Lambertson (eldave1) writing as Nameless - Short, Comedy - A group of mourners take vengeance at the wake of a man they despise. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 4th, 2021, 10:38am
revised draft
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Love the title

Well-written and certainly comedic in tone (no real belly laughs but still light-hearted fun). The ending was a bit of a let down, probably because halfway through I really wanted the ending to be that there was a mixup and they had the wrong ashes

Still, very nice effort, good use of the location and object.

Well done


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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ReneC
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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That title lured me to read this early. Good job with it.

Interesting dilemma, neat solution to the problem. I felt the setup was a little rough, you didn't even need the explanation of why there was a spoon, a glass, and a bowl there, or even what they were doing. The first example explains it all and the pace would have been higher, and it would have had the element of surprise to it that makes good comedy.

The ending could have been better. It works okay, maybe even better without the reveal. Or maybe take it a step further and Ray is speaking with his own wife and it turns out maybe they both were guilty of sleeping with him and he and Jimmy end up fighting over who gets to dump the last of the ashes.

A good entry nonetheless, well done.


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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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Nice writing.

An amusing set up that doesn't really go anywhere beyond the initial idea. It would've been nice if Bobby Joe did one more assholish thing from beyond the grave, like have the toilet back up on everyone or the duo get stuck with a bill for clogging up the funeral home's plumbing. I guess an affair with one of the duo's girlfriends is somewhat satisfying though. But it should end on Bobby Joe's asshole smiling face rather than the girlfriend.

Still, we all know a dude like this, so well done in letting us get our revenge through your script.
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ReneC
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Cacutshaw
Nice writing.

An amusing set up that doesn't really go anywhere beyond the initial idea. It would've been nice if Bobby Joe did one more assholish thing from beyond the grave, like have the toilet back up on everyone or the duo get stuck with a bill for clogging up the funeral home's plumbing. I guess an affair with one of the duo's girlfriends is somewhat satisfying though. But it should end on Bobby Joe's asshole smiling face rather than the girlfriend.

Still, we all know a dude like this, so well done in letting us get our revenge through your script.


I like it.


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Pleb
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Yay! A comedy.

Easy breezy read there. Pretty decent although the ending was just so so for me. Still, I enjoyed it.

Good luck


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Zack
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Funny title. Though, the odd underlining bugs the crap outta' me. lol

Writing is very sloppy, like it was written in a rush. Nothing a quick rewrite can't fix.

If these people hate Bobby Joe so much, why are they at his funeral? I know, it's an absurd comedy. I'm just poking holes.

Not laugh out loud funny, but I chuckled a bit. Good work here.


Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Zack  -  May 18th, 2021, 2:37pm
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. I agree with Cacutshaw though. Seems perfectly set up for Bobby Joe to pull off one final grand douchebag move from beyond the grave. Fun concept and solid execution overall.


That rug really tied the room together.
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irish eyes
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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First one nice title

Cute comedy, not laugh out loud but worked with the perimeters.

Good job on entering.


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Warren
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
Robby grabs some paper towels


Who is Robby?

It felt like a lot of repetition after the reveal of the idea at the top of page 3.

I think I like the idea of this more than the execution.

All the best.


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spesh2k
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Ha! This was great!


Quoted Text
BALD MAN
He forgot to feed my dog.

Ray reaches for the spoon.

BALD MAN
For seven days. The dog died.

Ray reaches for the glass. The Bald Man dips it in the Urn.


Great comedic timing there ^^^

And a great way to punctuate. Might be my favorite of the bunch.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Nice title.

Thanks for the chuckles - enjoyed it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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FrankM
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Fade in and Fade out are missing.

This is the absurdist kind of comedy I was hoping to find in one of these urn comedies.

I mean, it's the obvious thing to have happen with ashes in a bathroom, but it took the goofiest route there.

Good job!


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 5:07am Report to Moderator
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Great title. Low budget, simple and effective and fits the parameter nicely.

Entertaining and a subject matter a lot of people can relate to in different ways. Funny but not LOL funny.

It needs more to take it to the next level. Once we get halfway in and they start dumping the ashes the story doesn't really go anywhere unexpected. I think it's well worth progressing with this script outside the parameters of the challenge as this could be a cracking short comedy.

Great job!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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LC
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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Brilliant!

I think Matt's idea if you wanted to beef it up (that they have the wrong ashes) would be a nice twist on the whole thing, but I liked the quietly funny note you finished on too. That landed nicely with me.

It's a great commentary too.
Some people are real 'ashholes' while alive, but we have to bid them a decent farewell. That's as it should be, polite, respectful, but waxing lyrical? I went to a funeral like that once...

One criticism, and it's probably that you had to get it over the line fast, but...that (above) is not a logline.

Anyway, thoroughly enjoyable this one.
Would make a great lil' short film.

P.S. Nice idea from Cactus too - finishing on the poster/photo of Bobby-Joe, which you already kinda do in that last shot anyway.


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