Robocaller by PH Cook - Short, Drama - A lonely old man resorts to chatting with a robocaller who's equally lonely. 13 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey,  Pia - gave this a read.

SPOILERS AHEAD

Quoted Text The phone lies silent on the table while the sound of Vernon running water in the bathroom, getting dressed in the bedroom fills the space.

Not quite sure what I am supposed to be hearing here in terms of the sounds of someone getting dressed. I would consider.

- nuking the kitchen silent phone scene and instead start the scene in the bedroom. Have Vernon's cloths laid out on the bed. The sound of running shower from the bathroom.

- Then he re-enters the kitchen, cleaned and clothed.

Quoted Text FEMALE VOICE Hi. This is Jenny. I’m calling you to let you know about our great deals for new customers on our unlimited phone and text pla. Please press one to -

typo - plan.

I thought Jim offered up the details of his personal life - divorce, PTSD etc just a bit too quickly. Vernon's a faceless stranger to him.  Just needed to be a bit more of a catalyst here, IMO.

Just my opinion - I think this would work more effectively over a couple of calls. e.g., call one Vernon asks what's going on with Jim - gets no answers. Jim eventually hangs up on him - BUT - next day - Jim calls back - why were you interested? etc. Then maybe it ends - next day Jim calls back again and spills his guts.

I love the arc of the story you have here. It is a very poignant tale with a nice beginning tied neatly into the end. I just think the middle is rushed timeline wise - it's the type of pain suffering that really takes a few days to get too.

Overall - very nice job here. Best of luck

Hi Dave! Thanks for checking this out.

As mentioned somewhere else, this one is something Dena and I will shoot next month, so we're hoping to get some great SS feedback.    

We have the location and actors, so the script is written with all that in mind.

Quoted from eldave1 Not quite sure what I am supposed to be hearing here in terms of the sounds of someone getting dressed. I would consider. - nuking the kitchen silent phone scene and instead start the scene in the bedroom. Have Vernon's cloths laid out on the bed. The sound of running shower from the bathroom. - Then he re-enters the kitchen, cleaned and clothed.

Good advice, but here's where production issues come in. We only have one day to do this, so it speeds up the shoot if we don't have to set-up with lights and stuff in the bedroom too. Not exactly a new location, but a new set-up. Therefore it makes more sense to focus on the phone and just hearing water and someone making a little noise from the bedroom.

Quoted from eldave1 I thought Jim offered up the details of his personal life - divorce, PTSD etc just a bit too quickly. Vernon's a faceless stranger to him.  Just needed to be a bit more of a catalyst here, IMO. Just my opinion - I think this would work more effectively over a couple of calls. e.g., call one Vernon asks what's going on with Jim - gets no answers. Jim eventually hangs up on him - BUT - next day - Jim calls back - why were you interested? etc. Then maybe it ends - next day Jim calls back again and spills his guts.

Someone else suggested a similar thing. I'm listening. Only thing is that I don't want to spread it over several days. Could cut the other calls though and only have Jim's calls?

Btw, this idea came about because I answer at least ten calls every day at work that are robocalls. Some are recordings, some are silent (have no clue why), others are from live people in boiler rooms and others seem to be someone desperate to make money that bought a robocaller plan and is working from home on their own.

Quoted from eldave1 I love the arc of the story you have here. It is a very poignant tale with a nice beginning tied neatly into the end. I just think the middle is rushed timeline wise - it's the type of pain suffering that really takes a few days to get too. Overall - very nice job here. Best of luck

Thank you! Our goal here is to make this the best it can be before Aug 24th.

Thanks again for your input. Very much appreciated.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hi Dave! Thanks for checking this out. As mentioned somewhere else, this one is something Dena and I will shoot next month, so we're hoping to get some great SS feedback.     We have the location and actors, so the script is written with all that in mind. Good advice, but here's where production issues come in. We only have one day to do this, so it speeds up the shoot if we don't have to set-up with lights and stuff in the bedroom too. Not exactly a new location, but a new set-up. Therefore it makes more sense to focus on the phone and just hearing water and someone making a little noise from the bedroom. Someone else suggested a similar thing. I'm listening. Only thing is that I don't want to spread it over several days. Could cut the other calls though and only have Jim's calls? Btw, this idea came about because I answer at least ten calls every day at work that are robocalls. Some are recordings, some are silent (have no clue why), others are from live people in boiler rooms and others seem to be someone desperate to make money that bought a robocaller plan and is working from home on their own. Thank you! Our goal here is to make this the best it can be before Aug 24th. Thanks again for your input. Very much appreciated.

My pleasure.

Last thought - if you don't want to spread it over several days - you could have the interruptions same day. e.g., at a critical moment Jim hangs up on Vernon (he's had enough) - moments later after reflecting - he calls back. Just food for thought.

Looking forward to seeing your film

Hi, this is a good premise for a short. Just a few things: The title is "Robocaller" and Jim refers to himself as a robocaller, yet he is an actual live person. A robo call is a computerized voice or a recording. Jim is more of a telemarketer or salesman.

Your slug line says JIM'S APARTMENT instead of JIM'S OFFICE.

When Vernon is telling Jim about his memories of Brlsen, it goes on for a long time, like a monologue. Nothing happens to break it up. This is good for a theater piece, but needs some "action" for the screen. Their conversations could be over the course of a couple days. Jim calls Vernon back to talk to him more. He has to sneak in the call so his boss doesn't catch him not sticking to the sales calls.

Just a few suggestions.

I was thinking that the auto call at the beginning and the woman telemarketer could be replaced with two other calls from Jim... and make this about Jim and Vernon. That way the IRONY would be that he is aggravated and JUST hung up on the VERY person he needs to connect with... they are perfect for each other and I think what ElDave suggested is what I was thinking about these calls. That first call from Jim ... would be so KEY if you change it because Vernon would hang up on him cutting off the guy on the line that he could help by listening..and vice versa... both guys have something painful in their history ...

I love this story. It is similar to one that made it to Oscar shorts in 2015 called The Phone Call.. I think this one is sweeter though and one we can all relate to.

Also ... the title could be something different .. more drama... dunno why but Robo makes it sound a little sci-fi or something... maybe Time Share or Time Shared since Jim is selling time share.. but what they need is time shared to talk about their painful past thus helping them both deal with it.

Really really great story Pia. I'm excited about filming this one. I think the cast is perfect as well for this.

Hi Pia, my observations and a few suggestions. Obviously, take or leave...

This is a highly emotive and poignant story.

As I read:

Opening visual of photos. I think you need a photo of his (obviously deceased wife) in the mix too.

I personally would have Vernon be completely invisible to the next door neighbour and react to that. Plenty of people of a certain age complain people no longer even see them.

Her sunglasses obscures most of her face. (obscure)
Suggestion: Sunglasses obscure most of her face.

I agree with two points Arundel made - the technicality of Robocall in the title and the amount of dialogue v showing us their history.

I'd ditch the Robocall preamble altogether and launch into the main story and focus on Jim & Vernon only. Perhaps Vernon hangs up but Jim persists – quotas, and all that - he has to mark Vernon's call as called and answered. Finally Vernon answers and goes into his line of personal questions to Jim. This cuts to the chase imho. Preamble could focus on Vernon alone with only the photos and the silence so when the phone rings it cuts through that silence – additionally Vernon looking at the phone, it never ringing, him picking it up to call his son, changing his mind, checking for dial tone etc., can serve even more powerfully than spelling it out for the audience that his son forgot his birthday etc. I don’t think you need that heavy a hand.

Jim is going 100mph. Vernon cruises at 30mph Lovely line.
Love the opening dialogue between them that follows too. A human voice. I love that Vernon continues with his own personal line of questioning cutting through Jim's spiel.

Typo: Hannibal Lechter (Lecter) unless that was deliberate.??

What makes you so
desperate to talk to someone, you
have to resort to talking to a
robocaller?

Maybe he should call himselfall a telestalketer, telebotherer, telepanhandler or talkin donkey, in true
self-deprecating manner?

I don’t have anyone that wants to
talk to me. I’m eighty-two. Not
gone yet. I’m still here. But,
somehow everyone seem to already
have forgot about me. Like I don’t exist.

Bit much that imho.
I'd just go for: I'm eighty-two years old now.
Seems I'm invisible to the rest of the world. Or, people no longer see me.

Jim's line: No one really wants to talk to me
either. I don’t know why. (I'd delete that latter, cause unfortunately he does know why). He's a scared man and no one wants to look into the eyes of a grown man who’s scared. It scares them.

Typo bottom p.7
wether or not
whether

Why is this: providing armed support. highlighted on my download?

I can’t help thinking you could do with condensing a lot of Jim's talk with some quick-flash images of Afghanistan – the IED explosion, Jim screaming, cradling his (torn to shreds) mate etc. Likewise some quick images with Vernon’s story, interspersed with the story or V.O.

Is it too expensive to do this, stock footage with emotive sound effects overlaid?

The nicest guy I’ve ever met died
in my arms with his insides spilled
out on a dusty road in a far away
land where no one could give a shit
what happened to him.
Great line above!

Vernon’s story is equally as powerful. I just think it would be more powerful with some carefully placed and poignant images. It’s often common that people with PTSD, ex war vets, don’t talk much at all, like getting blood out of a stone - the silence of soldiers, my husband calls it.

This:
VERNON
Turns out they weren’t really
looking to adopt out of love. They
mostly just needed a farmhand. I
had a tiny room in their attic on
their farm in Wisconsin. It was
very hard work, but I had a warm
bed to sleep in, plenty of food and
no one ever laid a hand on me.

That above: Goes a step too far for me too and could ironically dilute all that’s gone on before. I think he could be more modest in the final telling. I'd finish his story here:

VERNON
I spent two years in England, then
someone knew somebody who knew a
family in America who wanted to
adopt, and they sent me off.

I did alright.  Warm bed, plenty of food.
And then add something like... Then... I met the love of my life. Had my own family.

vernon bottom p.12
Needs an upper case

...

Alt titles if not going with the Robocaller (which btw is a catchy title just doesn't fit this story predominantly imh).:

Call Back
Duty Call
Call Up
Call on Me
Cold Call.
...

Hope some of this helps. Great story, could be a bit more visual, not just audible imho, cause I kept supplying the images in my head. That's obviously down to the great writing but I think if I'm watching this I'll want to see more of those images actually on screen.

** Dena, do you have a link to The Phone Call or any Oscar nominated/winning Shorts? All I can see are trailers.

Thanks for the input Arundel, Dena and LC. Awesome feedback as always!

I will be back later today with a more detailed reply. Just wanted to chime in real quick.

In regards to The Phone Call, I'm happy to say that they are not alike. Dena mentioned it to me so I had to see it to make sure this wouldn't be like that one at all. It's not free, legally, online. I ended up buying it at Amazon for 1.99. I was happy to see that they are two completely different films. The Phone Call is 22 minutes long and we pretty much only see a woman on the phone during the whole film. It's about a lonely man that have just taken a lot of pills, but we never see him. Only hear his voice. He calls a suicide helpline. He just wants someone to talk to while he waits to die. Doesn't want to die alone. Our script is about two lonely people who spill their guts to each other and thus become friends.

On the second part of it being a talking head piece and not visual enough, I will have to disagree with both of you, Arundel and LC. As a filmmaker/director, I will absolutely agree that I have no idea what I'm doing, but my gut instincts tells me that in a case like this, the visuals are the characters. How they are going through the emotions. It would be rude to their performance IMHO, to cut away to flashes of stuff we don't need to see to get. I can understand though when looking at the script that it looks like a LOT of dialogue, but sometimes that's what a script calls for. Well, IMO at least.

Libby...I watch then every year on the big screen.  I know you can buy then for cheap on Amazon.  I love watching them on the big screen.  Every year I go to both the live action and animated Oscar shorts.  

Quoted Text Alt titles if not going with the Robocaller (which btw is a catchy title just doesn't fit this story predominantly imh).: Call Back Duty Call Call Up Call on Me Cold Call.

I like these. Maybe would add:

Tell A Marketer

Ooh, a new Pia short! Let's take a peek...

Writing-wise, there are some issues. A few typos and some overwritten passages here and there. Some of your asides work, some do not. The dual dialog at the bottom of page 3 is very clunky. I also think you need to insert some mini-slugs so we know where we are in the house. I'm also not a fan of the title.

Of course none of that matters, considering you are filming this yourself.

It's actually a pretty good little story. Sad, but very real. It's amazing what people can bond over. Good characters and believable dialog.

Looking forward to seeing the finished product.

Quoted from Arundel Hi, this is a good premise for a short. Just a few things: The title is "Robocaller" and Jim refers to himself as a robocaller, yet he is an actual live person. A robo call is a computerized voice or a recording. Jim is more of a telemarketer or salesman.

Hey, thanks for the read. Much appreciated.

Robocall is actually the act of using software that dials automatically for you. It can be used by companies using a recording, or a live person on the other end. There are even schemes to sell these softwares to gullible people that pay money upfront thinking they will make money from home. But, the general consensus here seems to be that it implies only recordings or automated calls. I will change the title, so there are no more misunderstandings.

Quoted from Arundel Your slug line says JIM'S APARTMENT instead of JIM'S OFFICE.

I see your point. I'll probably change it, but in this case, I know exactly what room we're using and what it will look like, so...

Quoted from Arundel When Vernon is telling Jim about his memories of Brlsen, it goes on for a long time, like a monologue. Nothing happens to break it up. This is good for a theater piece, but needs some "action" for the screen. Their conversations could be over the course of a couple days. Jim calls Vernon back to talk to him more. He has to sneak in the call so his boss doesn't catch him not sticking to the sales calls.

I disagree. I explained why in my last post. I normally would agree, but since this is drama, I think it's fitting.

Quoted from Pale Yellow I was thinking that the auto call at the beginning and the woman telemarketer could be replaced with two other calls from Jim... and make this about Jim and Vernon. That way the IRONY would be that he is aggravated and JUST hung up on the VERY person he needs to connect with... they are perfect for each other and I think what ElDave suggested is what I was thinking about these calls. That first call from Jim ... would be so KEY if you change it because Vernon would hang up on him cutting off the guy on the line that he could help by listening..and vice versa... both guys have something painful in their history ... I love this story. It is similar to one that made it to Oscar shorts in 2015 called The Phone Call.. I think this one is sweeter though and one we can all relate to. Also ... the title could be something different .. more drama... dunno why but Robo makes it sound a little sci-fi or something... maybe Time Share or Time Shared since Jim is selling time share.. but what they need is time shared to talk about their painful past thus helping them both deal with it. Really really great story Pia. I'm excited about filming this one. I think the cast is perfect as well for this.

I agree with you about everything.  

Hey Pia,

Enjoyed the story. Here are my thoughts:

Pg. 2. Remove him glancing at phone. Normal people hang up and that�s it.

Pg. 5 when Jim tries his opening pitch, have Vernon interrupt him mid way or sooner. Vernon should be more interruptive.

Pg.5 too soon for Jim to lose his cool. Maybe show something in his office that shows his urgency like a quota notice?

Pg. 6 Jim needs a bit incentive to stay on the line.

Pg. 8 regarding Jim�s monologue about war, Is it possible to get some sound effects in the background that reflects what he�s describing like explosions, etc? I think it could make it more emotional.

Hope this helps. Keep us posted on the shorts development.

Gabe

Quoted from LC Opening visual of photos. I think you need a photo of his (obviously deceased wife) in the mix too.

Duh!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, of course!

Quoted from LC I personally would have Vernon be completely invisible to the next door neighbour and react to that. Plenty of people of a certain age complain people no longer even see them.

I agree, except that I feel the half wave dismissal thing is worse than just ignoring. It says, stay away too.

Thanks for the typo stuff.  

Quoted from LC I'd ditch the Robocall preamble altogether and launch into the main story and focus on Jim & Vernon only. Perhaps Vernon hangs up but Jim persists – quotas, and all that - he has to mark Vernon's call as called and answered. Finally Vernon answers and goes into his line of personal questions to Jim. This cuts to the chase imho. Preamble could focus on Vernon alone with only the photos and the silence so when the phone rings it cuts through that silence – additionally Vernon looking at the phone, it never ringing, him picking it up to call his son, changing his mind, checking for dial tone etc., can serve even more powerfully than spelling it out for the audience that his son forgot his birthday etc. I don’t think you need that heavy a hand.

I think we're just going to have to disagree there.

Quoted from LC Jim is going 100mph. Vernon cruises at 30mph[/i] Lovely line. Love the opening dialogue between them that follows too. A human voice. I love that Vernon continues with his own personal line of questioning cutting through Jim's spiel.

Quoted from LC Typo: Hannibal Lechter (Lecter) unless that was deliberate.??

My favorite movie and I misspell my favorite villain?????  

Quoted from LC What makes you so desperate to talk to someone, you have to resort to talking to a robocaller? Maybe he should call himselfall a telestalketer, telebotherer, telepanhandler or talkin donkey, in true self-deprecating manner? I don’t have anyone that wants to talk to me. I’m eighty-two. Not gone yet. I’m still here. But, somehow everyone seem to already have forgot about me. Like I don’t exist. Bit much that imho. I'd just go for: I'm eighty-two years old now. Seems I'm invisible to the rest of the world. Or, people no longer see me. Jim's line: No one really wants to talk to me either. I don’t know why. (I'd delete that latter, cause unfortunately he does know why). He's a scared man and no one wants to look into the eyes of a grown man who’s scared. It scares them.

I agree. Will have to do a little thinking though. Loved Dave's title idea.

Quoted from LC Why is this: providing armed support. highlighted on my download?

Because I am not sure what those people are officially called. I googled, but couldn't find anything. I was hoping someone would know so it can sound realistic.

Quoted from LC I can’t help thinking you could do with condensing a lot of Jim's talk with some quick-flash images of Afghanistan – the IED explosion, Jim screaming, cradling his (torn to shreds) mate etc. Likewise some quick images with Vernon’s story, interspersed with the story or V.O.

I disagree. See previous post.  

Quoted from LC This: VERNON Turns out they weren’t really looking to adopt out of love. They mostly just needed a farmhand. I had a tiny room in their attic on their farm in Wisconsin. It was very hard work, but I had a warm bed to sleep in, plenty of food and no one ever laid a hand on me. That above: Goes a step too far for me too and could ironically dilute all that’s gone on before. I think he could be more modest in the final telling. I'd finish his story here: VERNON I spent two years in England, then someone knew somebody who knew a family in America who wanted to adopt, and they sent me off. I did alright.  Warm bed, plenty of food. And then add something like... Then... I met the love of my life. Had my own family.

I don't know. A bit too nice for me. Vernon says he was happy he had a warm bed after we had heard him say he was the coldest he's ever been. He says he had plenty of food after he had just said people were starving to death, then he says no one laid a hand on him after he had been sadistically sexually abused my the kapo.

Quoted from LC Alt titles if not going with the Robocaller (which btw is a catchy title just doesn't fit this story predominantly imh).: Call Back Duty Call Call Up Call on Me Cold Call. ... Hope some of this helps. Great story, could be a bit more visual, not just audible imho, cause I kept supplying the images in my head. That's obviously down to the great writing but I think if I'm watching this I'll want to see more of those images actually on screen.

You provide amazing feedback, Libby! Would you believ if I told you, Jeff used to be just like that?

LOVED all your title suggestions and I would've used one of them until Big Dave stepped in and suggested Tell A Marketer!

As always, thank you so much. I'm here if you ever need help with anything.  

Quoted from eldave1 I like these. Maybe would add: Tell A Marketer

Yep!!!! That's the one. Thanks!  

Love the title someone suggested LC??

Call on Me ... .it's got the Stand By Me vibe..