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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Bee-El
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  Author    Bee-El  (currently 1405 views)
Don
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bee-El by CJ Vecchio - Short, Horror - A young girl befriends something that's inside her closet. 8 pages

Production: Concept Teaser Trailer  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 24th, 2020, 4:51pm
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Okay - scared me!

I'd change the lettering to something a little more gothic

Nice work


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Fais85
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Nice and creepy little short. Nothing to add much except a few typos.

Pg. 4
Sabrina sits at her toy table, joined my three stuffed
animals and the doll.

Perhaps it should be... joined *by*

Pg. 6
SABRINA
YOU CANíT DO THAT! THATíS MY DOLL!
BEE-EL GAVE HER TO ME! YOU BETTER
GIVER HER BACK OUR ELSE!

You better *give* her back *or* else!

Good job CJ! Enjoyed the teaser as well.
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Yuvraj
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Nice little creep here, CJ!

Enjoyed the teaser as well.

Good luck for the production. Hope to see the short film(if it's been made) very soon.







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eldave1
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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A real nitty issue, but you don't have to repeat info that is in your header in your descriptions. For example:


Quoted Text
EXT. SIDEWALK - MORNING

Itís a gorgeous sunny morning and zipping around on her hoverboard is SABRINA (9), cute as a button with blonde ponytails


Don't need morning in the desciption.  You already told us in the header.


Quoted Text
INT. KITCHEN - LATER

A quaint apartment kitchen. Birds chirp outside the window


Don't need kitchen in the description.  You could also put apartment in the header.

INT. APARTMENT/KITCHEN - DAY

Quaint and tidy.

Okay - this was pretty effing creepy. Nice job.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ChrisV
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Okay - scared me!

I'd change the lettering to something a little more gothic

Nice work


Thanks, I always look forward to your feedback. The "Lettering"...I was going for a 9-year-old handwriting style since the real evil is Sabrina.


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eldave1
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ChrisV


Thanks, I always look forward to your feedback. The "Lettering"...I was going for a 9-year-old handwriting style since the real evil is Sabrina.


Makes sense.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ChrisV
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Fais85
Nice and creepy little short. Nothing to add much except a few typos.

Pg. 4
Sabrina sits at her toy table, joined my three stuffed
animals and the doll.

Perhaps it should be... joined *by*

Pg. 6
SABRINA
YOU CANíT DO THAT! THATíS MY DOLL!
BEE-EL GAVE HER TO ME! YOU BETTER
GIVER HER BACK OUR ELSE!

You better *give* her back *or* else!

Good job CJ! Enjoyed the teaser as well.


Thanks, Man!



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LC
Posted: August 23rd, 2020, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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Chris, very nice. Nothing to add that others haven't, typo-format wise. Oh, I would go easy on all caps in dialogue. The exclamation points serve the tone imh, but that's a nitpick and personal preference.

I balked a bit at the cleavage/arse line and then realised it's appropriate cause it's Bee-El's POV.

The suspense is terrific.
The little girl is nicely creepy.

SPOILERS below:


I did find the mother copping it in your denouement a bit anti-climactic but I guess you're doing a feature length with this and there'd be much more story in between?

Your video teaser scared the crap out of me.  



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  August 23rd, 2020, 6:33pm
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Geezis
Posted: August 24th, 2020, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Hi,

Well written and quite dark but I think that this approach to the horror genre has been done before, name times.
Without any backstory it's difficult to understand why a nine year old would be so easily violent, vindictive and cruel.
The end is very dark and sudden but again with more backstory we would get a better understanding of how and why we reached this point in your story.
Your short video certainly teases a great evil presence and I think you have the bones of a really good story, it just needs fleshing out more.
Very well done and good luck.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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ChrisV
Posted: August 24th, 2020, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks...starting work on the Full Lenght Script. All your questions will be answered!


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ChrisV
Posted: August 24th, 2020, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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UPDATED VERSION ONLINE... using all the great feedback from you guys! XoXo


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ChrisV
Posted: March 1st, 2021, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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BEE-EL is now in POST!  

156768186-131766895525317-7063050691299626179-n

156076658-2867141930207211-7556901246151531180-n

156060636-150791123575667-5921529930224518801-n

155830099-5104788609562712-387892406830567547-n

155826181-418584112572390-4213747084904794876-n


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eldave1
Posted: March 1st, 2021, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Super!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: March 1st, 2021, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Congrats. Just read the script, this was bound to get snapped up. I enjoyed it.


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