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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Numbers - OWC
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  Author    Numbers - OWC  (currently 451 views)
Don
Posted: October 22nd, 2022, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Numbers by Anthony Cawood (Anthony Cawood) writing as Mr. Marconi - Short, Horror - A plucky bunch of nerds get more than they bargained for when they uncover an ancient evil and must fight for their lives as midnight approaches on Halloween night. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 11th, 2022, 12:27pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 22nd, 2022, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't enter my script, but I was using ham radio in mine as well!!

I really liked your writing style. Pages flew by. The story was a little less impressive, IMHO, but it fit the criteria, so good job on that.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: October 22nd, 2022, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy writer,

Hmm, this is pretty much paint by the numbers. No pun intended -OK, maybe a little.

The story was interesting, albeit - a bit familiar. That's not a knock or anything. There were a few lines of dialogue that I liked very much. Luv the writing, nice, lean, and sparse. Admittedly, I was hoping for a grab you by the throat ending, but hey -- overall I dug it. Not gonna nitpick. Best of Irish luck! -A


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steven8
Posted: October 22nd, 2022, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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This reminded me of college.  We disengaged the belt drive on our turntable and played Stairway to Heaven backwards.  We heard, Natash, Natash, Satan is our savior many times.  We stopped it pretty quick.  Scared the bejeebers out of us.

Anyway, I thought this was really clever and a lot of fun.  Not surprised the girl who never speaks turns out to be the smartest and saves them all, while the guys screaming looneys.

Kpop?  Awesome.  


Ed Wood: Yes, but if you take that crap and put a star in it, then you've got something.

George Weiss: Yeah.  Crap with a star.
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Andrew
Posted: October 23rd, 2022, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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It's well-written and those character descriptions are a real joy.

Feels a little long, and is a bit undewhelming in terms of where it goes.

Could do with being shorter and punchier.


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Robert Timsah
Posted: October 23rd, 2022, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Story Is Structure

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Descriptions & writing are good, but the numbers/radio thing made my eyes glaze over, and I did not understand what happened with the numbers at the end. Did they defeat it and didn't seem like a curse? Anyway, I like the premise of the group of kids mucking around with a ham radio, but maybe they hear a woman being tortured or something would have been more engrossing. Okay, I'll shut up.


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AlsoBen
Posted: October 24th, 2022, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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Is Mr Marconi a Diary Of A Wimpy Kid reference?

Maths stuff lost me.

Some of the dialog is really witty/vibrant. Same with the introduction of the character - really demonstrative of your voice.

Feels like it could have been animated, sort of cute in a way


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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 24th, 2022, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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Mr Marconi,

This was an entertaining script. Had a fun time with it and was curious where it was going to go. It ended in a cute fashion and was happy to see a fun ending.

The radio had me smiling, probably my favorite character honestly.

Good job.

Sean


SEAN OF THE BREAD

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kcranford
Posted: October 24th, 2022, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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An evil radio?  So evil that it spawned both Covid AND Trump? LOL - now there's a cursed noun!  Also had vibes of the old "Paul is dead" craze when playing a Beatles' record backward.  Witty and fun and shows definite comedic and creative ability.  I give it an "A" for entertainment value - thanks for sharing!


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Yuvraj
Posted: October 24th, 2022, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the writing here. The story was decent enough to engage me to read till the end. The ending had a hopeful/cliffhanger vibe to it, which I liked as well.

Good luck.


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SleepyZillennial
Posted: October 26th, 2022, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Satanic backwards is the best piece of dialogue and it made me laugh. I love the setup of how the numbers are some sort of chant. Good job!
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big lew
Posted: October 26th, 2022, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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This is a wonderful, and very clever story, BUT we can't appreciate it totally because one of the most important characters can't be heard:  THE CHANT and all of the sound design.

We have to use our imagination to process the CHANT, which the writer clearly hears in their head as a part of the creative process.  

What I also really enjoyed about this story is that there's a riddle/challenge/mystery we instinctively participate in trying to solve. I was dumber than a third grader in my attempt.

The only way this story could ever be pitched to a producer is with a sound engineer at the writer's side!

Fortunately, we all had a chance to at least experience it on paper.  Nicely done.

P.S.
The "brotherhood of the electronics" reminds me of a Woody Allen bit.  He's in his kitchen in the morning and nothing works; not the toaster, coffee maker, stove, etc. And, he curses and knocks them around.  When he gets in his apartment elevator to go downstairs and the doors close, the elevator says: "So you'r the prick who was kicking around the appliances!"
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LC
Posted: October 27th, 2022, 3:15am Report to Moderator
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K-pop.  
Truss.   Likely a UK writer here.

Kinda Enigma for Schoolies.

RADIO as a character name, rankled a bit.

A tiny bit anticlimactic for me with your ending, but I liked the lead up to it.
Nice characterisations and an enjoyable story with kids saving the world. For now, at least...


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SAC
Posted: October 27th, 2022, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Good effort here. You did a nice job keeping me engaged and turning pages, so the set up worked for me. Things got dicey when the radio started talking. I felt it should have been more ominous and the kids more serious and scared, which I didnít get. Thatís when it lost me. I have no issue with how they solved the curse, but you could have really upped the creep factor here a bunch and didnít do so, and thatís where it loses steam. Overall, good effort!

Steve


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Zack
Posted: October 27th, 2022, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hmm. I like the setup. Solid writing. Definitely hit the challenge. I'm just a bit disappointed it wasn't darker, but that's purely a subjective thing.
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