All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Buried Secrets by P.H. Cook - Short, Thriller - A young couple follows a trail of buried clues to the fateful conclusion of a long-ago child disappearance. 8 pages - pdf format
Like the idea, tightly written and to the point. The mystery of the maps/boxes kept me fully invested.
The ending felt a little abrupt. It’s not the murder itself, more that Josh suddenly goes from remembering nothing to everything and the only way out is to therefore kill Emma on the spot. Though I respect this might not be an idea that needs to be dwelt on too deeply, so take this with a pinch of salt.
My reading of it was that Josh was some kind of child psychopath. Was that somehow connected to the death of his parents and the crash? Kind of feels like it could be. In some ways tying those background elements together makes the memory loss less convenient. I respect that comes at the cost of exposition.
Anyways, it’s entertaining enough. Good luck with it.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
This one was written in one sitting. I'm not real proud of it, but I like the premise. That's why I asked for feedback. I will do a rewrite based on any comments from here.
I agree with you about the ending and Josh's change. That needs to change for sure. You are correct about the assessment of Josh as a child.
Thanks again and let me know if you want me to read anything.
Hey, Pia - gave this a read while killing time at the airport.
Overall, good bones for a story. There were places where I felt the dialogue was a bit pedestrian - a bit unnatural. Suggestions:
Quoted Text
EMMA Well, lets get on with it then before it starts raining
Emma looks at the darkening shy.
EMMA We don't have much time.
Quoted Text
EMMA What is this, Josh? Do you know that boy?
Too formal for husband and wife.
EMMA You knew that boy?
Quoted Text
JOSH No. I’ve never seen him before.
Just have Josh shake his head as he stares at the contents. Then:
EMMA You sure?
Quoted Text
JOSH I don’t recognize his name or his face. Probably just something that was happening at the time.
To much detail. Just
JOSH Yeah...Probably just something that was happening at the time.
This kind of struck me throughout - they didn't seem to have the shorthand type dialogue one would expect from husband and wife.
Quoted Text
JOSH No! I don’t. I spent years in therapy trying to remember my life before the crash. It didn’t work!
This was a little too on the nose for me.
Plot point - so you have this "crash" that somehow wipes out Josh's memory and I presume - it happens fairly close to when the murder took place. I get that you need some plausible reason for Josh losing his memory. But it doesn't have to be a coincidental accident/crash. Could be from suppression (PTSD) related after he killed the boy. Or - it doesn't have to be a forgotten memory at all if Emma is the one leading the exploration. Anyway - just struck me is too convenient - he kills a boy and then just happens to have an accident that eliminates his memory.
Would have liked you to make more of Emma' pregnancy somehow. As it is, it's irrelevant. She doesn't struggle as she walks, they have no conversation about their upcoming parenthood, etc. i.e., the story doesn't change at all whether she's pregnant or not.
The ending is a bit fast - I want to see the changes in Josh's face, the transformation if you will as he remembers what happened. I want to see Emma see that - the panic as her husband becomes someone she doesn't recognize. The fear on her face. Hope that makes sense.
Just spit balling - but as an Alternate ending you could have him go back and kill the man who brought him the box as a result of some fear Josh had that maybe the man knew the real story.
Thanks for the comments Dave! Much appreciated. Especially since my stuff is usually something you avoid.
I agree with your comments and I will do a rewrite. Like I said earlier to Steve, that's why I asked for feedback.
I think what I was trying to do is that Josh slowly, with each new discovery starts to put his past together and realize that he did it. So, the ending is definitely to fast. The pregnancy, to me, was for Emma to slowly start to realize that her baby's father killed someone and he's a psychopath. How will that affect her kid.
Need to do some thinking, but very much appreciate your comments.
Both of them found the script here at SS, but it's one of my most downloaded scripts at SR as well. It's still available since neither one of them wanted exclusivity (paying for it). Funny how some scripts you work so hard on and no one cares and other times an idea hits you and you write something in one sitting and it becomes very popular with filmmakers.
I thought it was pretty good. Looked good. Actors were good. There were some clues and dialogue missing that would've explained it a little better, but I knew the story, lol, so I had no problem. I thought the audio was a little uneven, but over all I think they did a good job.
I found another production of the script as well today. Couldn't find any videos online, but the poster says coming soon and it has an imdb page. Also found a version of No Recollection online. A new title because it was made in Botswana. In all, I found 3 productions of my scripts online today...
They did a decent job here. Acting was the highlight. Audio has been mentioned. They must've used one of those new mirrorless cameras because this image is tack sharp. Maybe a little too much, but wow, what a cool forest. Pacific Northwest?
When you see stuff like this now, as I know you direct too, do you wish you would've shot it yourself or are you usually impressed with what they come up with?
Congrats on getting it filmed, as well as the others!
They did a decent job here. Acting was the highlight. Audio has been mentioned. They must've used one of those new mirrorless cameras because this image is tack sharp. Maybe a little too much, but wow, what a cool forest. Pacific Northwest?
I agree on all points. Pacific Northwest? Have no clue, they didn't share much with me...
When you see stuff like this now, as I know you direct too, do you wish you would've shot it yourself or are you usually impressed with what they come up with?
Sometimes I really like what they do and other times I just can't watch. As you know, one reason I even started to make my own films was because of the frustration of filmmakers totally misinterpreting the scripts. I've been at this a long time now and I realize that the better I get as a writer, the closer they tend to stick to the story. Like they say, start with a GREAT story. That's my aim these days. Write better stories. Thanks Jay.
You have something special with Buried Secrets. I wonder how times this has been filmed?
Thanks! And, I have no clue. I got three imdb credits this week just by googling... I wish people would just tell me. All my shorts are free unless they want exclusivity.