Buried Secrets by P.H. Cook - Short, Thriller - A young couple follows a trail of buried clues to the fateful conclusion of a long-ago child disappearance.  8 pages - pdf format

Pia,

Like the idea, tightly written and to the point.  The mystery of the maps/boxes kept me fully invested.

The ending felt a little abrupt.  It’s not the murder itself, more that Josh suddenly goes from remembering nothing to everything and the only way out is to therefore kill Emma on the spot.  Though I respect this might not be an idea that needs to be dwelt on too deeply, so take this with a pinch of salt.

My reading of it was that Josh was some kind of child psychopath.  Was that somehow connected to the death of his parents and the crash?  Kind of feels like it could be.  In some ways tying those background elements together makes the memory loss less convenient.  I respect that comes at the cost of exposition.

Anyways, it’s entertaining enough.  Good luck with it.

Steve

Thanks for checking this out Steve!

This one was written in one sitting. I'm not real proud of it, but I like the premise. That's why I asked for feedback. I will do a rewrite based on any comments from here.

I agree with you about the ending and Josh's change. That needs to change for sure. You are correct about the assessment of Josh as a child.

Thanks again and let me know if you want me to read anything.  

Hey, Pia - gave this a read while killing time at the airport.

Overall, good bones for a story. There were places where I felt the dialogue was a bit pedestrian - a bit unnatural. Suggestions:

Quoted Text EMMA Well, lets get on with it then before it starts raining

Emma looks at the darkening shy.

EMMA
We don't have much time.

Quoted Text EMMA What is this, Josh? Do you know that boy?

Too formal for husband and wife.

EMMA
You knew that boy?

Quoted Text JOSH No. I’ve never seen him before.

Just have Josh shake his head as he stares at the contents. Then:

EMMA
You sure?

Quoted Text JOSH I don’t recognize his name or his face. Probably just something that was happening at the time.

To much detail. Just

JOSH
Yeah...Probably just something that
was happening at the time.

This kind of struck me throughout - they didn't seem to have the shorthand type dialogue one would expect from husband and wife.

Quoted Text JOSH No! I don’t. I spent years in therapy trying to remember my life before the crash. It didn’t work!

This was a little too on the nose for me.

Plot point - so you have this "crash" that somehow wipes out Josh's memory and I presume - it happens fairly close to when the murder took place. I get that you need some plausible reason for Josh losing his memory.  But it doesn't have to be a coincidental accident/crash. Could be from suppression (PTSD) related after he killed the boy.   Or - it doesn't have to be a forgotten memory at all if Emma is the one leading the exploration. Anyway - just struck me is too convenient - he kills a boy and then just happens to have an accident that eliminates his memory.

Would have liked you to make more of Emma' pregnancy somehow. As it is, it's irrelevant. She doesn't struggle as she walks, they have no conversation about their upcoming parenthood, etc.  i.e., the story doesn't change at all whether she's pregnant or not.

The ending is a bit fast - I want to see the changes in Josh's face, the transformation if you will as he remembers what happened. I want to see Emma see that - the panic as her husband becomes someone she doesn't recognize. The fear on her face. Hope that makes sense.

Just spit balling - but as an Alternate ending you could have him go back and kill the man who brought him the box as a result of some fear Josh had that maybe the man knew the real story.

Best of luck with it - hope the notes help

Thanks for the comments Dave! Much appreciated. Especially since my stuff is usually something you avoid.  

I agree with your comments and I will do a rewrite. Like I said earlier to Steve, that's why I asked for feedback.

I think what I was trying to do is that Josh slowly, with each new discovery starts to put his past together and realize that he did it. So, the ending is definitely to fast. The pregnancy, to me, was for Emma to slowly start to realize that her baby's father killed someone and he's a psychopath. How will that affect her kid.

Need to do some thinking, but very much appreciate your comments.  

My pleasure

Just to prove how awesome SS is, I'm bumping this since it has now been optioned twice. One is shooting this coming week and the other in July.  

That's awesome, Pia. Congrats!

Awesome - congrats

Brill! Congrats, Pia.  

Congrats as well, Pia.  Good Luck with this.

Congrats!

Congrat's Pia... hopefully, they are both great productions.

That's awesome. Congrats, Pia!

Congrats on the double.

How exciting - well done

Thanks everyone!

Both of them found the script here at SS, but it's one of my most downloaded scripts at SR as well. It's still available since neither one of them wanted exclusivity (paying for it). Funny how some scripts you work so hard on and no one cares and other times an idea hits you and you write something in one sitting and it becomes very popular with filmmakers.

Quoted from DustinBowcot hopefully, they are both great productions.

It's a crapshoot. You just never know.  

Looks like they are near release. I guess the pandemic slowed things down a bit.  

The poster looks great!

Very nice!

Nice poster!!

Pia (Grandma Bear)

I echo other readers, great poster.
Good luck.

Frank

Congrats, Pia!

Quoted from Yuvraj Congrats, Pia!

Thanks!

I thought it was pretty good. Looked good. Actors were good. There were some clues and dialogue missing that would've explained it a little better, but I knew the story, lol, so I had no problem. I thought the audio was a little uneven, but over all I think they did a good job.  

I found another production of the script as well today. Couldn't find any videos online, but the poster says coming soon and it has an imdb page. Also found a version of No Recollection online. A new title because it was made in Botswana. In all, I found 3 productions of my scripts online today...  

Looked the part, but yes the audio was very uneven, be careful if you watch with ear buds in.

Not bad. Congrats on the other films as well!

Really nicely done, Pia!
Acting was great. I do think one of them should have brought some gloves along.  

The others that you found... Did they have your permission?

Thanks guys!

Quoted from LC The others that you found... Did they have your permission?

Yes, they did, which is extremely frustrating. Why can't they just tell the writer they finished?  

They did a decent job here. Acting was the highlight. Audio has been mentioned. They must've used one of those new mirrorless cameras because this image is tack sharp. Maybe a little too much, but wow, what a cool forest. Pacific Northwest?

When you see stuff like this now, as I know you direct too, do you wish you would've shot it yourself or are you usually impressed with what they come up with?

Congrats on getting it filmed, as well as the others!

James

Congrats Pia!

You have something special with Buried Secrets. I wonder how times this has been filmed?

Reg

Quoted from jwent6688 They did a decent job here. Acting was the highlight. Audio has been mentioned. They must've used one of those new mirrorless cameras because this image is tack sharp. Maybe a little too much, but wow, what a cool forest. Pacific Northwest?

I agree on all points. Pacific Northwest? Have no clue, they didn't share much with me...

Quoted from jwent6688 When you see stuff like this now, as I know you direct too, do you wish you would've shot it yourself or are you usually impressed with what they come up with?

Sometimes I really like what they do and other times I just can't watch. As you know, one reason I even started to make my own films was because of the frustration of filmmakers totally misinterpreting the scripts. I've been at this a long time now and I realize that the better I get as a writer, the closer they tend to stick to the story. Like they say, start with a GREAT story. That's my aim these days.  Write better stories. Thanks Jay.  

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Congrats Pia! You have something special with Buried Secrets. I wonder how times this has been filmed?

Thanks! And, I have no clue. I got three imdb credits this week just by googling... I wish people would just tell me. All my shorts are free unless they want exclusivity.  

It happened again. My most produced script so far, I think. This one was a college project. Really nice guy to work with and I recommended Dena to him as well and they are working on at least one film.

Whoa! Top of the tree. Congrats Pia.

Quoted from Shakespeare on Toast Whoa! Top of the tree. Congrats Pia.

Thanks! Now, if I could only learn to write features as good as my shorts...  

They did a pretty good job - congrats Pia

Wow! They did do such a wonderful job with it. Congrats Pia. Luv it. -Andrea

Quoted Text They did a pretty good job - congrats Pia

Can't believe it -- eldave1 sighting...

Ha! Good to see ya old timer

Nice one, Pia! And your name is exactly where it should be - top spot.

Thanks guys! I think they did a pretty good job for a college production. They are located in Palatka here in Florida, so close to both Dena and me. The director is the teacher and they plan to make four films every year. Why I recommended Dena. She's the speed queen!

Anyway, I still wish I had some success with features like some people here!!!  

This script has been filmed more times than all of my scripts combined  

Congrats, Pia. Fingers crossed a feature follows soon.

Thanks! If you want something produced, my advice would be to write budget-friendly and easy to shoot. No animals. Pet-Cam has been rejected more than once for that reason even though the cat's POV is a handheld camera at cat level... Also, no kids. I recently tried, foolishly, to shoot a little Halloween movie with five grandkids. Their attention span only lasted 20 minutes the first day and on the second day, one of them stepped in dog s*^t, and that pretty much ended it right there. Not sure we'll have a film ready for Halloween with the little footage we got. Just a few tips from me.