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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Buried Secrets Filmed, again, & again, & again
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  Author    Buried Secrets Filmed, again, & again, & again  (currently 4982 views)
Don
Posted: June 10th, 2018, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Buried Secrets by P.H. Cook - Short, Thriller - A young couple follows a trail of buried clues to the fateful conclusion of a long-ago child disappearance.  8 pages - pdf format



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 16th, 2024, 8:47pm
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stevemiles
Posted: June 12th, 2018, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Pia,

Like the idea, tightly written and to the point.  The mystery of the maps/boxes kept me fully invested.

The ending felt a little abrupt.  It’s not the murder itself, more that Josh suddenly goes from remembering nothing to everything and the only way out is to therefore kill Emma on the spot.  Though I respect this might not be an idea that needs to be dwelt on too deeply, so take this with a pinch of salt.

My reading of it was that Josh was some kind of child psychopath.  Was that somehow connected to the death of his parents and the crash?  Kind of feels like it could be.  In some ways tying those background elements together makes the memory loss less convenient.  I respect that comes at the cost of exposition.

Anyways, it’s entertaining enough.  Good luck with it.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 12th, 2018, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for checking this out Steve!

This one was written in one sitting. I'm not real proud of it, but I like the premise. That's why I asked for feedback. I will do a rewrite based on any comments from here.

I agree with you about the ending and Josh's change. That needs to change for sure. You are correct about the assessment of Josh as a child.

Thanks again and let me know if you want me to read anything.  


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eldave1
Posted: June 13th, 2018, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Pia - gave this a read while killing time at the airport.

Overall, good bones for a story. There were places where I felt the dialogue was a bit pedestrian - a bit unnatural. Suggestions:


Quoted Text
EMMA
Well, lets get on with it then
before it starts raining


Emma looks at the darkening shy.

EMMA
We don't have much time.


Quoted Text
EMMA
What is this, Josh? Do you know
that boy?


Too formal for husband and wife.

EMMA
You knew that boy?


Quoted Text
JOSH
No. I’ve never seen him before.


Just have Josh shake his head as he stares at the contents. Then:

EMMA
You sure?


Quoted Text
JOSH
I don’t recognize his name or his
face. Probably just something that
was happening at the time.


To much detail. Just

JOSH
Yeah...Probably just something that
was happening at the time.

This kind of struck me throughout - they didn't seem to have the shorthand type dialogue one would expect from husband and wife.


Quoted Text
JOSH
No! I don’t. I spent years in
therapy trying to remember my life
before the crash. It didn’t work!


This was a little too on the nose for me.

Plot point - so you have this "crash" that somehow wipes out Josh's memory and I presume - it happens fairly close to when the murder took place. I get that you need some plausible reason for Josh losing his memory.  But it doesn't have to be a coincidental accident/crash. Could be from suppression (PTSD) related after he killed the boy.   Or - it doesn't have to be a forgotten memory at all if Emma is the one leading the exploration. Anyway - just struck me is too convenient - he kills a boy and then just happens to have an accident that eliminates his memory.

Would have liked you to make more of Emma' pregnancy somehow. As it is, it's irrelevant. She doesn't struggle as she walks, they have no conversation about their upcoming parenthood, etc.  i.e., the story doesn't change at all whether she's pregnant or not.

The ending is a bit fast - I want to see the changes in Josh's face, the transformation if you will as he remembers what happened. I want to see Emma see that - the panic as her husband becomes someone she doesn't recognize. The fear on her face. Hope that makes sense.

Just spit balling - but as an Alternate ending you could have him go back and kill the man who brought him the box as a result of some fear Josh had that maybe the man knew the real story.

Best of luck with it - hope the notes help


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 13th, 2018, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comments Dave! Much appreciated. Especially since my stuff is usually something you avoid.  

I agree with your comments and I will do a rewrite. Like I said earlier to Steve, that's why I asked for feedback.

I think what I was trying to do is that Josh slowly, with each new discovery starts to put his past together and realize that he did it. So, the ending is definitely to fast. The pregnancy, to me, was for Emma to slowly start to realize that her baby's father killed someone and he's a psychopath. How will that affect her kid.

Need to do some thinking, but very much appreciate your comments.  


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eldave1
Posted: June 13th, 2018, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 23rd, 2019, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Just to prove how awesome SS is, I'm bumping this since it has now been optioned twice. One is shooting this coming week and the other in July.  


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Zack
Posted: June 23rd, 2019, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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That's awesome, Pia. Congrats!


I like my stories Simple. Straightforward. A to B. No C.

Check out my features!

PUMPKIN GUTS

THE POTEM

JEEPERS CREEPERS III
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eldave1
Posted: June 23rd, 2019, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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Awesome - congrats


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: June 23rd, 2019, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Brill! Congrats, Pia.  


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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Congrats as well, Pia.  Good Luck with this.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 2:34am Report to Moderator
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Congrats!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - https://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/ShortScripts
Available Feature screenplays - https://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/FeatureFilmScripts
Screenwriting articles - https://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/Articles
IMDB Link - https://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 2:41am Report to Moderator
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Congrat's Pia... hopefully, they are both great productions.
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Philostrate
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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That's awesome. Congrats, Pia!


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Warren
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on the double.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 6:25am Report to Moderator
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How exciting - well done


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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Thanks everyone!

Both of them found the script here at SS, but it's one of my most downloaded scripts at SR as well. It's still available since neither one of them wanted exclusivity (paying for it). Funny how some scripts you work so hard on and no one cares and other times an idea hits you and you write something in one sitting and it becomes very popular with filmmakers.


Quoted from DustinBowcot
hopefully, they are both great productions.

It's a crapshoot. You just never know.  


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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 18th, 2022, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Looks like they are near release. I guess the pandemic slowed things down a bit.  

image


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Warren
Posted: May 18th, 2022, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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The poster looks great!


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LC
Posted: May 18th, 2022, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice!


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Yuvraj
Posted: May 19th, 2022, 5:59am Report to Moderator
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Nice poster!!


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FrankH
Posted: May 27th, 2022, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Pia (Grandma Bear)

I echo other readers, great poster.
Good luck.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT DRAMA:
Imaginary Friend
Sleepwalking

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
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Grandma Bear
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 8th, 2022, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Pia!


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Yuvraj
Congrats, Pia!


Thanks!

I thought it was pretty good. Looked good. Actors were good. There were some clues and dialogue missing that would've explained it a little better, but I knew the story, lol, so I had no problem. I thought the audio was a little uneven, but over all I think they did a good job.  

I found another production of the script as well today. Couldn't find any videos online, but the poster says coming soon and it has an imdb page. Also found a version of No Recollection online. A new title because it was made in Botswana. In all, I found 3 productions of my scripts online today...  


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Warren
Posted: June 8th, 2022, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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Looked the part, but yes the audio was very uneven, be careful if you watch with ear buds in.

Not bad. Congrats on the other films as well!



Revision History (1 edits)
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LC
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Really nicely done, Pia!
Acting was great. I do think one of them should have brought some gloves along.  

The others that you found... Did they have your permission?


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Grandma Bear
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Thanks guys!


Quoted from LC

The others that you found... Did they have your permission?

Yes, they did, which is extremely frustrating. Why can't they just tell the writer they finished?  



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jwent6688
Posted: June 9th, 2022, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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They did a decent job here. Acting was the highlight. Audio has been mentioned. They must've used one of those new mirrorless cameras because this image is tack sharp. Maybe a little too much, but wow, what a cool forest. Pacific Northwest?

When you see stuff like this now, as I know you direct too, do you wish you would've shot it yourself or are you usually impressed with what they come up with?

Congrats on getting it filmed, as well as the others!

James


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: June 11th, 2022, 4:13am Report to Moderator
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Congrats Pia!

You have something special with Buried Secrets. I wonder how times this has been filmed?

Reg


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from jwent6688
They did a decent job here. Acting was the highlight. Audio has been mentioned. They must've used one of those new mirrorless cameras because this image is tack sharp. Maybe a little too much, but wow, what a cool forest. Pacific Northwest?
I agree on all points. Pacific Northwest? Have no clue, they didn't share much with me...


Quoted from jwent6688
When you see stuff like this now, as I know you direct too, do you wish you would've shot it yourself or are you usually impressed with what they come up with?
Sometimes I really like what they do and other times I just can't watch. As you know, one reason I even started to make my own films was because of the frustration of filmmakers totally misinterpreting the scripts. I've been at this a long time now and I realize that the better I get as a writer, the closer they tend to stick to the story. Like they say, start with a GREAT story. That's my aim these days.  Write better stories. Thanks Jay.  



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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 11th, 2022, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Pia!

You have something special with Buried Secrets. I wonder how times this has been filmed?

Thanks! And, I have no clue. I got three imdb credits this week just by googling... I wish people would just tell me. All my shorts are free unless they want exclusivity.  


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Grandma Bear
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It happened again. My most produced script so far, I think. This one was a college project. Really nice guy to work with and I recommended Dena to him as well and they are working on at least one film.



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Shakespeare on Toast
Posted: August 16th, 2024, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Whoa! Top of the tree. Congrats Pia.


Groundbreaking scripts:

The Pearl Earring
No Time For Love
Two Moons
Betrayal

And many. many more...
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Grandma Bear
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Whoa! Top of the tree. Congrats Pia.

Thanks! Now, if I could only learn to write features as good as my shorts...  


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eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2024, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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They did a pretty good job - congrats Pia


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 16th, 2024, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Wow! They did do such a wonderful job with it. Congrats Pia. Luv it. -Andrea


Quoted Text
They did a pretty good job - congrats Pia


Can't believe it -- eldave1 sighting...


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eldave1
Posted: August 16th, 2024, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Ha! Good to see ya old timer


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: August 16th, 2024, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Nice one, Pia! And your name is exactly where it should be - top spot.


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Grandma Bear
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Thanks guys! I think they did a pretty good job for a college production. They are located in Palatka here in Florida, so close to both Dena and me. The director is the teacher and they plan to make four films every year. Why I recommended Dena. She's the speed queen!

Anyway, I still wish I had some success with features like some people here!!!  


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Matthew Taylor
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This script has been filmed more times than all of my scripts combined  

Congrats, Pia. Fingers crossed a feature follows soon.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Grandma Bear
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Thanks! If you want something produced, my advice would be to write budget-friendly and easy to shoot. No animals. Pet-Cam has been rejected more than once for that reason even though the cat's POV is a handheld camera at cat level... Also, no kids. I recently tried, foolishly, to shoot a little Halloween movie with five grandkids. Their attention span only lasted 20 minutes the first day and on the second day, one of them stepped in dog s*^t, and that pretty much ended it right there. Not sure we'll have a film ready for Halloween with the little footage we got. Just a few tips from me.  


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