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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  Repetition - OWC
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  Author    Repetition - OWC  (currently 5236 views)
Don
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Repetition by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Short, Drama - A prisoner has to deal with the fact that he's going to have to go through grief, guilt, and anger every day of his life. - pdf, format


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 4:08pm
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Zack
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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I really enjoyed this one a lot. It is the most original entry I've read yet!

Nylon was weirdly sympathetic. I really felt sorry for him, and the end of the script only amplyified my feelings for him. Strong development for the other characters did nothing but strengthen this script.

Format is spot on and as far as I can tell there are no typos.

The whole "This was great for one week" cliche won't cut it here. This script would be impressive if it took you two months to write. I seriously loved it that much.

Great job. I give it an A+

~Zack~


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Zack  -  February 25th, 2008, 8:56pm
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BryMo
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Best one i've read so far! By a mile! Story was great, descriptions were great, your characters were great!

I was into it pretty quickly, and nothing here let me down. Your ending was impressive too. Congratulations is an order here.


EDIT: i think i know who wrote this one.


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BryMo  -  February 24th, 2008, 4:13pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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This was a good one. Pretty original and I didn't think anybody would have thought of something like this. Nylon (interesting name) had some pretty interesting personalities...And the ending was good too. Didn't see that coming.

Well written and it fits the genre and theme well.

Sean


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Pete B. Lane
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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I have nothing to add but a "me too". A good idea, well-executed. Kudos.

I'll admit that I did guess the ending (just guess, I didn't know), but not until pretty far into it.

I have to give it an A+, which is the first top grade I've given so far. Well done.
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bert
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Alright -- now here is somebody who brought something fresh to the party.  Groundhog Day from hell.  Even early on in the OWC, I can tell this one will probably be on my top five.

Such odd names.  Nylon?  These kind of clues might give the author away, as do certain stylistic clues.  I am about 80% sure I know who wrote this one.  And if I am wrong about that, I have a few backup guesses at hand.

For me, I would have tied the opening and ending V.O.s together a bit better.  They should echo each other more than they do.  And Caineís expository section in the middle, repeating much of what we already know, could probably be shortened.

But those are minor nits, just as easily ignored as corrected.  Good Ďun.

OWC Score: 98%


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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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This is good but itís also a bit sick. Which I guess is what you were going for so well done.

Iíll admit to being a wimp when it comes to graphic violence so this oneís not for me.

Iím curious about how youíd want this filmed. It works well written out but it would be a difficult balance to film it without it being gruesomely horrible or comically stylized.

Some minor things: It doesnít need the ďyouíre all meĒ explanation; It could use a better explanation of why he killed his family; Also itís kind of weird that he apparently chooses whether or not he wants to go to hell.

Philip


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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Wow! You have a great little story here! My kinda thing. Story-wise, I liked this one a lot, but your writing style tended to slow the pace of the script more than one would want. Your descriptions are way too wordy and at times redundant. I got bored reading them.

Nylon's V.Os were excessive and, like the descriptions, also slowed the pace a tad too much. I was going to stop reading it, but thankfully, I didn't. I'm really glad I made it to the end. I thoroughly enjoyed your story, I just wasn't a fan of your writing.

I do not mean to insult you. I just think you descriptions could be more "to the point" so the story can flow better.

--Julio
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cybercelt
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Well that was neat.
Good story, nice flow so on this point I disagree with J.G., nothing in the dialog or text to jar you out of the story.
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mcornetto
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was creative and unusual.  It had a bit too much dialogue and I thought it ran a bit long, but those two things are minor and can be easily corrected. The other issue I had was I didnít really understand why you needed all the characters you had.  They werenít other ghosts because they were so involved with his past, so he had to be a schizophrenic ghost Ė or perhaps they were his demons.  

Anyway, it wasnít bad but it wasnít one of my favourites either. I think it would make an interesting film. Iíd give it an OPTION.    
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James R
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Extremely creative. Like Philip it was too graphic for me, but the whole concept was bizarre and original. I thought it flowed really well.

I do agree with Bert about the beginning and ending VOs. When I got to the end I knew it was supposed to echo the beginning but it was a little off. I think it would be slightly creepier if they were exactly the same and for eternity nothing changes for Nylon.

Well done.

James


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dogglebe
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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I found this to be a very good script.  It was a page turner from the beginning to the end.  The characters kept me interested and the ending was well written.

The only problem I had with this script is that it was too wordy, particularly when it comes to introducing your characters.  Here are three examples from your first page, followed with how the descriptions can be trimmed:


Quoted Text
A man lays in the bottom bunk of the bunk beds, his eyes
closed. He has short hair and a goatee, and is fairly skinny.
This is NYLON (33).


NYLON (33) lays on the bottom bunk, eyes closed.  He has short
hair, a goatee and is fairly skinny.



Quoted Text
Nylon opens his eyes and reveals the gray-blue eyes that he
possesses.


Nylon opens his blue gray  eyes.



Quoted Text
A man sits on the toilet on the other side of the cell,
dressed in a prison jump suit. He slumps over, his head is
against the wall. A thick liquid drips from his face. This is
CAINE (3.


CAINE (3 sits slumped over on the cell's toilet, dressed in
a prison jump suit.  His head rests against the wall.  Thick
dark liquid drips from his face.


By tightening up the descriptions, I shaved three lines off the first page.  By doing this with every page, I could trim your script by an entire page.  By trimming a feature length script like this, you could easily shave ten pages from it.

When introducing a character, start with the name.  It doesn't matter if the other characters do not refer to him by the name.  The readers should know right away.

Other than your wordiness, you wrote a good script.


Phil
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one, too...I would love to see them handle the special effects on this as stuff starts slithering back from whence it came...Bizarre, trippy but very effective...


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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James McClung
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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This is probably the most original of the bunch I've read so far, which is always good. I liked the illustrations of the three parts of Nylon's subconscious. Really creepy stuff. They could've easily ended up all being the same but I think you gave each one an individual voice. My favorite thing about this one though was the fact that Nylon's living in both a physical and psychological prison. A double whammie. Brilliant.

Can't fault this one on much. I really thought it was great. I guess I would've liked to see some more action outside the prison cell. Another flashback or two perhaps. Not too important though and I'm not sure of the amount they would've added to the story. So overall, I'll say you did a good job at writing the script and a great job at making it stand out.


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chism
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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This was a really interesting read. Something fresh and original, intriguing and amusing, in a grotesque sort of way. Youíve got great characterizations, the dialogue flowed really nicely and your formatting was top notch. I loved the ending as well, loved its macabre sense of irony.

Donít think I can really say much else that hasnít been said already, so Iíll just wrap this up by saying this is one of my favourites from this batch so far. Really fresh and exciting. An incredibly enjoyable read. Quite the accomplishment, excellent work.


Matt.
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