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Best of the ones I've read today - interesting premise, though flawed, but definitely interesting.
First off - what's with the giant typeface for the title? Minor niggle, I know, and I have seen this on pro scripts, but just didn't think it necessary.
Rather too much description - you don't really need " Itís intermittently lit by the red glow of the neon sign. Itís there - and then itís not. And it's there again" for example. Too much.
You also give too much direction to actors - they won't thank you!
At one point it reminded me of the first script I read today - "And the Darkness Fades" but it went off in a different direction. Does suggest there are only so many variations on this theme.
Ending would have been better on the "Fades into a heartbeat - LUB DUB - LUB DUB - LUB DUB... Then silence" rather than the news reader's voice over. That really wasn't necessary and was too blunt. Again evidence of a bit too much information.
I felt for the man with the gun, that's a tough one, butthe guy's got problems and someone needs to fix them. That all worked for me. A tiny issue for me would be the fact he's driving an Uber, Christ knows what his rating would look like.
Anyway, well written, no formatting niggles or typos.
I liked this one. It had grit. The passage where the hostage points the gun at her temple was a clever moment. Ditch the radio broadcaster voice over - it reads better without it. I was disappointed that the demonic voice didn't jump to the hostage.
I had a hard time imagining the Demon VO as being anything other than corny on screen.
I also thought that the ending essentially negated the whole of the script...making any lessons learned or any developments moot. The character arcs of both main characters stay the same. Gerald wants to die, and does. The girl doesn't want to kill, and doesn't.
I'd consider making the girl unstable as well. So that they're both undergoing a demonic test...but she manages to save herself, whilst he kills himself and damns himself. That would complete the story.
I liked most of it, some I didn't. Usually a lot of description slows it down too much, but somehow it worked here. Not completely, still overwritten in many areas. Some missteps, like not having the car come to a stop before she gets out (I know it's assumed but I feel it needs to be put in), but the tension revved up good and I really did feel bad for the driver. Once I got through page one, it was a breeze to read. Then, it slowed down a little at the very end. Still good job and could get filmed.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
Not bad, good premise, not sure it fully paid off for me, but some nice suspense building. Denouement needed more imh, something from left field. Easier said than done, I know. Definitely met the 'trapped' challenge.
I feel there is a bit of a hole in the story. He needs her to kill him because he can't do it, but he can in fact kill them both, essentially killing himself, huh? Am I missing something?
That's a good point - hadn't struck me when I was reading it but you're right - if he couldn't bring himself to kill himself, then the force of his threat to kill both of them was voided. Which leaves the author with a bit of a problem!