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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  He Drives Them - Crazy - OWC - Filmed
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Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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He Drives Them - Crazy by David Lambertson writing as  - Short, Drama - An Uber Driver hearing voices in his head seeks a passenger to end his misery. 10 pages - pdf, format




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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Angry Bear  -  November 26th, 2018, 1:10pm
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Zack
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right, get it written.

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I like this one. Good interesting story with a satisfying ending. Keep me guessing, so good job.

A lot of telling instead of just showing. The descriptions are bloated because of it.

~Zack~


*NEW DRAFT*

DING DONG DITCH - (short,horror)
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SimonM
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS AHEAD

Best of the ones I've read today - interesting premise, though flawed, but definitely interesting.

First off - what's with the giant typeface for the title? Minor niggle, I know, and I have seen this on pro scripts, but just didn't think it necessary.

Rather too much description - you don't really need " Itís intermittently lit by the red glow of the neon
sign. Itís there - and then itís not. And it's there again" for example. Too much.

You also give too much direction to actors - they won't thank you!

At one point it reminded me of the first script I read today - "And the Darkness Fades" but it went off in a different direction. Does suggest there are only so many variations on this theme.

Ending would have been better on the "Fades into a heartbeat - LUB DUB - LUB DUB - LUB DUB...
Then silence" rather than the news reader's voice over. That really wasn't necessary and was too blunt. Again evidence of a bit too much information.

Good though.

4 out of 5
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't get enough of a why he was suicidal and the Demonic VO didn't work for me.

But it's well written and has a decent premise, good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Cam Gray
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it.

I felt for the man with the gun, that's a tough one, butthe guy's got problems and someone needs to fix them. That all worked for me. A tiny issue for me would be the fact he's driving an Uber, Christ knows what his rating would look like.

Anyway, well written, no formatting niggles or typos.

Good job

Cam
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grademan
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. It had grit. The passage where the hostage points the gun at her temple was a clever moment. Ditch the radio broadcaster voice over - it reads better without it. I was disappointed that the demonic voice didn't jump to the hostage.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice. I think I know who wrote this one, too.

Congrats on a job well done.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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SimonM
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from grademan
I was disappointed that the demonic voice didn't jump to the hostage.


Wouldn't that have been a bit "Fallen"?
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 1:43am Report to Moderator
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I had some problems with this one:

I had a hard time imagining the Demon VO as being anything other than corny on screen.

I also thought that the ending essentially negated the whole of the script...making any lessons learned or any developments moot. The character arcs of both main characters stay the same. Gerald wants to die, and does. The girl doesn't want to kill, and doesn't.

I'd consider making the girl unstable as well. So that they're both undergoing a demonic test...but she manages to save herself, whilst he kills himself and damns himself. That would complete the story.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:08am Report to Moderator
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I liked most of it, some I didn't.  Usually a lot of description slows it down too much, but somehow it worked here.  Not completely, still overwritten in many areas.  Some missteps, like not having the car come to a stop before she gets out (I know it's assumed but I feel it needs to be put in), but the tension revved up good and I really did feel bad for the driver.  Once I got through page one, it was a breeze to read.  Then, it slowed down a little at the very end.  Still good job and could get filmed.


My Scripts:
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Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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LC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:24am Report to Moderator
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Not bad, good premise, not sure it fully paid off for me, but some nice suspense building. Denouement needed more imh, something from left field. Easier said than done, I know. Definitely met the 'trapped' challenge.


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Warren
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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I was enjoying this up until about page 5 I think it was.

I feel there is a bit of a hole in the story. He needs her to kill him because he can't do it, but he can in fact kill them both, essentially killing himself, huh? Am I missing something?

I feel that when Sandra says "my life is in your hands, Gerald" it again makes no sense. Hasn't her life always been in his hands and it was part of the ultimatum that she might die anyway.

Wasn't a fan of the ending either, didn't need the voice over.


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Warren  -  August 14th, 2016, 4:07am
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SimonM
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 5:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren

I feel there is a bit of a hole in the story. He needs her to kill him because he can't do it, but he can in fact kill them both, essentially killing himself, huh? Am I missing something?



That's a good point - hadn't struck me when I was reading it but you're right - if he couldn't bring himself to kill himself, then the force of his threat to kill both of them was voided. Which leaves the author with a bit of a problem!
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Easy fix.

1. Have devil as a character in the front seat. That gets rid of corny VO.
2. Have Gerald trying to kill himself but stopped by the Devil...you aren't getting out that easy.
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grademan
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SimonM


Wouldn't that have been a bit "Fallen"?


Good point. I guess my point was to identify who or what was behind the voice. Was it a past trauma? Someone messing with his meds? Was it supernatural as in Fallen?

Gary
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