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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Lady Justice
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  Author    Lady Justice  (currently 310 views)
Don
Posted: September 1st, 2018, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lady Justice by David González - Short, Thriller, Action, Fantasy - The life of a crooked Mexican police officer is turned upside down when a woman walks into the police station with an old gun she found. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 18th, 2019, 3:12pm
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Dustin
Posted: September 2nd, 2018, 2:48am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Code

All  is  deadly  quiet.



deathly quiet.

The quiet can't be deadly unless it is actually going to kill you.

Code

There’s  yellow  tape  everywhere. 



Everywhere? Why is there yellow tape everywhere? Do you mean there is yellow police tape around the perimeter?

Code

Blood  splashes  the  walls.



How is this happening right now? Where is the blood coming from?


Code

Chalk  silhouettes  outline  the  floor...



How many?

Code

A  few  feet  further...



This makes no sense.

Code

 got  out  in  a  hurry



You get 'off' a bus.

Code

She  casted  a  spell...



cast

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He’s  under  our  custody.



in our custody.


That's it? It doesn't go anywhere. Magical gun dispenses justice, the end.

I read it all the way through though, so you kept me in it. That's a plus.
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Philostrate
Posted: September 2nd, 2018, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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Hi Dustin,

Thanks for the read and the detailed corrections.

Some answers to your questions:


Quoted Text
Everywhere? Why is there yellow tape everywhere? Do you mean there is yellow police tape around the perimeter?


Around the perimeter, around the cells, etc. At all places of interest. I already changed "There’s yellow tape everywhere" for "There’s yellow police tape everywhere". But it's a tiny change (I couldn't come up with something better in so few words), so  I'm open to any suggestions.


Quoted Text
How is this happening right now? Where is the blood coming from?


The blood is coming from the missing corpses. I suppose this makes sense later in the scene.


Quoted Text
How many?


I think there's no need for us to know so early in the script.

I'm sorry to hear that the story didn't pay off for you. At least, it kept you in until the very end. I wasn't trying to write a typical whodunit (that's just the hook) but a contained story with a couple of small twists revolving around the theme of injustice (1 location, 5 characters).

I appreciate your interest and corrections. I already took care of them and uploaded a new draft.

David


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Dustin
Posted: September 2nd, 2018, 11:52am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Quoted from Philostrate


Around the perimeter, around the cells, etc. At all places of interest. I already changed "There’s yellow tape everywhere" for "There’s yellow police tape everywhere". But it's a tiny change (I couldn't come up with something better in so few words), so  I'm open to any suggestions.


It can't be everywhere. It just can't. Very, very lazy writing. But, it's up to you. Maybe you're not looking to win any prizes. Some claim not to be.

I don't know whether you mean perimeter tape or perhaps yellow sticky tape used as evidence markers for forensic photos?



Quoted from Philostrate

The blood is coming from the missing corpses. I suppose this makes sense later in the scene.


How can the blood be coming from missing corpses? You're confusing tenses. That was my point.


Quoted from Philostrate

I think there's no need for us to know so early in the script.


If there's no need to know then why did you write it? It's your job to show me what is on the screen. If there are three chalk silhouettes then write that. There's no reveal in it, it's just information that is necessary for building a proper picture. The picture you can actually see. You can see it, but we only get a partial.

You write well... don't be afraid of description.


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Philostrate
Posted: September 2nd, 2018, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dustin,


Quoted Text
It can't be everywhere. It just can't. Very, very lazy writing. But, it's up to you. Maybe you're not looking to win any prizes. Some claim not to be.

I don't know whether you mean perimeter tape or perhaps yellow sticky tape used as evidence markers for forensic photos?


I get your point. In sake of simplicity I'll use evidence markers instead of the yellow tape.


Quoted Text
How can the blood be coming from missing corpses? You're confusing tenses. That was my point.


Okay. I suppose 'stains' is the appropiate word.


Quoted Text
If there's no need to know then why did you write it? It's your job to show me what is on the screen. If there are three chalk silhouettes then write that. There's no reveal in it, it's just information that is necessary for building a proper picture. The picture you can actually see. You can see it, but we only get a partial.

You write well... don't be afraid of description.


Okay. I get your point here too.

I appreciate your clarifications.

Thanks,
David


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Marcela
Posted: March 24th, 2019, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Loved the title, that's why I started reading. I have a strong dislike for anything violent/involving a lot of shooting but I kept reading regardless. Some characters lacked a description, they just appeared and went (got shot). I absolutely loved the resolution - I had no idea that Sophia was Manuel's sister, I didn't see it coming! The villains (in this case corrupt spineless crooks working for police) got shot and I'm quite happy with such happy ending!


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Philostrate
Posted: March 26th, 2019, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Marcela,

Thanks for giving it a read. I'm glad you liked the ending.

I wouldn't say the script is that violent - IMO there's more violence in a single scene of Narcos than in this whole script - but I agree that there are a few bursts of violence that are depicted in a very graphic way. I know that this may put off some people, and I understand it, so thanks for giving it a chance anyway. I'm happy it payed off for you at the end.

I wrote the script about half a year ago and shortly after it was picked up by a prodco and we signed a shopping agreement. They wanted to include it in an anthology. Crazy. The producers were very kind, but things weren't moving, so when the agreement expired, I requested them not to renew it and asked Don to put it up again. Back to square one...

If you want a read in return, I'll be happy to reciprocate.


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