Never Know what you'll Get by Anonymouse3 - {no logline} - Short, Horror, Comedy

Hello writer

Why no logline?

I'm not entirely sure what I just read, or why it was happening - Following where the characters were in the locations was not easy and the action was just confusing - why did any of this happen?

Sorry, but not for me.

Matt

Well Im happy she's the granddaughter of famous Chun Lee! I didnt see that coming. No I did. It's a bit predictable in that sense I should say.

So, why today? Why would she let the bobbleheads inside before and today she chose to rebel? This makes it out of blue and plain random. But it could be a very good script if you explained her sudden actions.

I like it.  It's quirky.  It does have the ring of pisser to it.

Unusual idea to have the bobblehead Eli be that.  Would have been good if you had kept that up for Monty.

This one meets the criteria for me.

It's more action-comedy than horror, and more action than anything. The comedy is very particular, and gore does not equal horror.

If this is in the Street Fighter universe, why even bother with looking for a weapon to defend herself? She is a weapon, as she demonstrates. She isn't pretending to be helpless, she isn't trying to take anyone down, she's just the right person in the wrong place. And why did she subject herself to humiliation sex before? It suggests she has issues but they aren't evident on these pages. That would be an interesting story.

This should have been written like a video game level. It would have worked better. As it is, it's too random, it's racist, it's sexist, and it shits on an iconic video game character.

But the writing is pretty good.

Quoted from ReneC This should have been written like a video game level...

Just wanted to say that I love that idea! - like the classic side scrolling games like Final Fight (not the POV type from DOOM)

I think this lost me from the start as it launches straight into unexplained madness... and then gets weirder!

But, there were definitely images and sequences that made me laugh.

Not entirely sure what tomake of this, but it ticked all the boxes.

WOW!  Well, that was...uh...different.

No logline - not good.

Title is rather odd, but I guess I kind of get it...maybe.

Another tough one to review, but I'll go for it.

Story - Listen, I get it, it's tough to craft a complete story in 5 pages or less.  Most of these entries are actually just scenes.  I see little clues of a story here, but they have to be "read in" through dialogue.  And that's OK, but my guess is few will actually do that.

Characters - We're obviously in a world here that isn't reality, as we have 2 complete psychos and 1 semi-super hero, but all work as I think they're supposed to.

Dialogue - I'm assuming the dialogue is mostly to be taken for comedic affects, or with the vampire dude, for horror affects, and again, it all worked for me.

Prose - Writing is good, visual.

Criteria - So, here we have the tough part to look at.  In many ways, this reads like a pisser, but don't take that the wrong way, as pissers can be comedy gold.  I see numerous attempts at humor and overall, there is a comedy vibe that's very present.  The horror part comes in at the end, and for me, is actually quiet scary or horrific., which is then immediately flipped on its head with the "spinning bird kick".

Bobbleheads are prevalent and I have to say quite unique, as in I highly doubt I'll ever read another script that involves an oversized Eli Manning Bobblehead secured to a guy's member.

First one so far to meet the criteria for me.

Ah horror comedy. I have already read one of the other horror/comedy ones and it was funny up until someone gets killed violently. As perps have discussed at length, thats when it ISN'T h/c as victims being brutally killed isn't comedy.

This one is very funny with all the dolls and stuff but when Pun smashes the fuck out of Johnson it becomes unfunny.

Well written and formatted but the writer lost control there half way through.

More absurdist and eccentric, and stereotypically objectifying in a ham fisted way, than outright comedy or horror.

The female descriptions?! And the Bobblehead (I had to look up Eli Manning) used as a... Nooo.

And now a French Maid's outfit?!
Complete with vampire teeth and martial arts.

Sorry, I just could not stick with this and ended up scanning.

Not for me.

Okay. Where to begin?

Lots of pop-culture references I didn't get, but that's my fault rather than the writer's. Labeling the one doll as "oversized" is sufficient to say why that one is different.

There's a minislug used to intro a new location, otherwise the formatting is spot on.

The overt sexism is supposed to be a reflection of the antagonist's problems, since the victim does break the feminine mold by the end... though does it is a stereotypically racist way. Sigh.

Don't know who Chun-Li is, but since Japanese names are surname first, his granddaughter would be Chun-Mei or something (I wouldn't go with Chun-Pun). Also, be careful with Broken English in dialogue. There doesn't seem to be any reason why this character can't speak properly, though it's easy to run out of space for exposition in five pages.

Monty came out of nowhere.

The martial-arts move at the end was unnecessarily over the top, but maybe that was intended as a comedy beat?

This is violent, but I'm not sure it qualifies as horror. It's definitely comedy and something else, and five pages with the correct object and location... so I'll check the box on this one.

Fairly clear who wrote this.

An obvious attempt at a pisser. The humor didn't really land with me. As a result, the story becomes an effort to get to the end.

I'm not a fan of people saying "thanks for participating", but it might be appropriate here, as I think this was just thrown into the mix to pump up the tournament numbers.

No horror, but the mix of action and comedy meets the criteria.

The attempts at comedy are there, but most of the humor didn't land for me. It was too sexist and downright degrading.

You write well, but this one wasn't for me.

Final one! Let’s see what we’ve got!

And... oof. Boy, I don’t know if it was intended, but that came off as a bit racist.  

Don’t know who Chun-Li is, but I’m guessing it was from a video game.

Why didn’t she just fight the doc at the beginning if she knows martial arts?

Sorry, this left me very confused. Not for me.

Best of luck,
Gary