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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Paradise Airlines - WT3 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Paradise Airlines - WT3  (currently 1034 views)
Don
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Paradise Airlines by Anonymous29 - Travel just got a whole worse with Paradise Airlines - Short, Horror


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Met the criteria, I'd say.

The story was a little thin. I think the fact they're back on the plane at the end makes little sense. Where are they going? Home? Is no-one going to report the fact they've been operated on?  It comes across more like an inciting incident...actually quite a good one, than a fully formed story.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 6:06am Report to Moderator
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Ok, since the post isn't overwhelmed with replies yet, I'll offer my strictly amateur comments...

I think this has potential but it needs amping up. You dropped in one too many clues that telegraph what was going to happen -- the ending is foggy.  A script does not necessarily have to give an answer but here...I wanted one.  Adding a page or two wouldn't kill ya... JMHO.  Overall this was just ok. -Andrea


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PKCardinal
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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"watches from his seat" might clarify what he's watching

Captain Jack... I laughed. (Only because anytime I hear the phrase "Captain Jack", I picture Michael Bolton singing on Saturday Night Live... "This is the story... of Captain Jack Sparrow..."

typo page one "and you and you"

page two... interesting twist

Okay... done. The story is incomplete. I suspect this is maybe someone who had to scramble to get an entry in. We're left wondering why one guy was cut open and the rest were scanned but put back on the plane. Where are they going? Why are they handled differently? Wait, I see David was also put back on the plane? But, he was just sliced wide open... I'm guessing for his organs... but, then, how does he walk? How do any of them walk?

Many questions.

The idea is interesting. With further development there's a story to tell here. Unfortunately, this one got cut short.

(I see now PrussianMosby suggesting the clones were put back on the plane. I didn't catch that at all. Hmmm.)


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror

Revision History (1 edits)
PKCardinal  -  June 18th, 2019, 3:49pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Paradise Airlines

title not in courier 12
And anyway, this isn't a horror title to me, I must say.

The formatting, especially the slugs, read messy on the page.

I see, Marcos Narcos…

p2 hangar scene - why not say 'THE small jet taxies in'. The way it's written I thought it's a different one… easy to fix though.

The holographic clone forming image was cool.

Okay, as I see it, they put the clones back in the plane and took the 'real' bodies for their needs. Might be risky taking the rich peeps for such a trade. A little inspired by 'The Island' maybe. You made a mistake with not introducing the characters from the start, which makes the whole resolution look rather muddled. Could be much better. Has potential.



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Zack
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Title page is off. Perhaps an issue with your writing software?

Oh boy. This screams "rush-job". Tons of writing mistakes in only a couple of pages. Not good.

The concept itself isn't half-bad, but it needs to be more thought out. Why would rich, potentially high-profile people be chosen for this "experiment"?

Poor visuals, bland dialog, and absolutely no character to speak of. Sorry, but this one doesn't work for me at all.

Good effort on getting something in, though. These were some brutal parameters.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.

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Zack  -  June 18th, 2019, 4:12pm
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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This is a story without an ending and really without a middle.  All I can figure out is that these wealthy people are being knocked out and their organs harvested, but it really doesn't explain why they become robotic.  This is a thin storyline, riddled with grammatical and formatting errors.  You get credit for meeting the challenge criteria but beyond that I found the story lacking.  Good job on getting something in. It was a tough challenge.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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I'm going to try and not give detailed feedback, as I know peeps are pissed, and this is another one that look like it was flashed fried.

The writing is poor throughout, mistakes of every kind, on every page.  Looks like a rush job, and even if it was, it's not good.

Why don't we have any characters intro'd?  How can we care if there's no one to root for?

I see a semblance of a story here, but after reading others' feedback, they didn't get it, or maybe there's nothing to get?  It's weak, at best.

Sure, it';s horror, on a plane, and the use the sanitizer is there, but very different, as isn't hand sanitizer a liquid?

No dialogue, no characters, so if I could vote, you wouldn't do very well.  Just a lazy-arse effort, sorry to say.
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Kevin_L
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Starting off I see the line “What rich folk do.”  My mind can’t visualize that statement.  I can make up something in my mind I guess. . I think it would be better to show something.  They are in a plane going somewhere. There is only limited ways to portray rich other than the private jet.  I make that same mistake as well.

Doesn’t really connect as a horror movie for me. For the fact , the passengers have no idea what’s happening . Fear is one of then main driving forces of the genre . If they are not scared, I’m not gonna be either.  I might say that sucks for them ,but that’s about it.

The use of a sanitizer wipe is original . I wouldn’t ever came up with that.  

If you would have used the 5 pages I believe you could have pulled off a neat little story.

All the best!



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Fais85
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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Very interesting idea but very underdeveloped script.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

That title page looks horrible - Not important, just sayin'

"do what rich folk do as they take off." - what do rich folk do during take off? eat caviar whilst talking about trust funds? I have no clue... Also do the passengers take off, or the plane? - It's obviously the plane, I know that, just saying it's a strange sentence.


Quoted Text
IN THE FRONT - CONTINUOUS

MARCOS, 35, full head of hair, and an obvious zest for life,
watches from his seat.

CABIN


How is it an obvious zest for life? what am I seeing? The slugs are strange as well - in the front of what? what is he watching?

Captain Jack lol I deffo heard that in the voice of Kevin McNally "Capin' Jack Sparra"


Quoted Text
INTERCOM (V.O.)
Hey, everyone, Captain Jack, here.
Thank you for flying Paradise
Airlines, and as a special, little
something, once we get stabilized,
at elevation, we're going to give
you a taste of the island


What's with all the commas? I'm bad at them, but these look odd.

Oh, we've ended.

The writing isn't great if I am honest - Odd phrasing, confusing slugs, not a whole lot of visuals.

The story itself has an interesting set up with no pay off - I don't know the rich people so don't feel anything towards them. I also don't know why any of this is happening.. they have been kidnapped and replaced with clones... why? you mention organs so are the doctors after these peoples organs?
But that doesn't make sense... if they have the ability to make perfect clones, they have the ability to clone organs, so why replace the originals with clone and harvest the original organs?... I don't know, and I want to know... why didn't you let me know?

I like the idea, it is intriguing, but there is way too much left hanging
Good use of the sanitiser though - kudos



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I don't know, and I want to know... why didn't you let me know?


That really made me laugh, Matthew.
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Warren
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

What is going on with your title page? Not a fan at all.


Quoted Text
do what rich folk do as they take off.


I have no idea what rich folk do. If this is important to the story, tell us.


Quoted Text
MARCOS, 35, full head of hair, and an obvious zest for life,
watches from his seat.


A full head of hair really needs to be pivotal to this story to have that as you character description. Also How is it obvious, what is he visually doing to give us this idea?


Quoted Text
We gaze over


Almost always a better way to write without "we gaze".


Quoted Text
INTERCOM (V.O.)
Hey, everyone, Captain Jack, here.
Thank you for flying Paradise
Airlines, and as a special, little
something, once we get stabilized,
at elevation, we're going to give
you a taste of the island


To read this the way you have it written with all those commas isn’t great. Trade at least one of those commas out for a period at the end.

Okay, so there are clearly a fair few grammar issues. I’d recommend you touch up on your usage or run Grammarly over your writing.


Quoted Text
carrying on like a friend.


Again this isn’t visual at all. What is he doing to give us this impression? A smile isn’t enough.

This script is drowning in commas.

So they are harvesting the organs and replacing the passengers with clones, I think.

Sci-Fi maybe, definitely not a horror.

This needs a lot of work on all levels. Scripts need to be visual.

Sorry but this didn’t work for me.

All the best.


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LC
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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So, the hand sanitizer seems to be in the mode of antibacterial wipes, is that right? Must be some heavy duty wipes laced with something to knock them out.

Why are Dena's organs 98% healthy? Everyone else gets 100%. She been putting away a few too many?
The premise appears to be that the wealthy are being cloned and their organs harvested prior.

I have the finest
sashimi for you, and you and you
must be clean to appreciate it.


I'd already be suspicious of a guy trotting out a line like this.

Beware of phrases like:
It's big and seems to be very well set up
Likewise with:
what looks like hospital rooms, tented off from each other,

Be definite about what you want us to see. Describe the cordoned off cubicles, perhaps the glint of surgical instruments.

I liked the visual you created with the converted Hangar/Clone Operations area.

A couple of suggestions for you: The unwitting participants in your story were never aware of what went on so imho this story doesn't reach its potential in terms of conflict, or in giving us a protagonist. If someone didn't use that sanitising wipe and perhaps sussed out that something sinister was about to happen e.g. pretended to be unconscious then you've got drama and suspense. If that same person witnessed their loved one on an operating table being eviscerated and still had to pretend to be knocked out, then you've got horror.

Did you run out of time perhaps?
At three and a bit pages only, it felt like this idea needed more fleshing out. Pun intended.  


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so I struggled with the intro as it's a little confusing, eight seats - does that mea there are 8 passengers? Hard to know as they are grouped together as TRAVELLERS.

Same with 'they do what rich people do', I don't know what that is, I need you to tell me...

I feel that a request to sanitise their lips would raise a question, even out of stupid rich people... but I assume the drug is absorbed anyway, so just through the skin would suffice?

And then they get replaced by robots?

Feels incomplete as it stands.  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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