May as well get this up and running now, since the discussion began regarding the logline.

Title - "Fade to White"

Genre - Horror

Tag line - Danny and Carlie are in for a lot more than just skiing, the weekend after Christmas, in Durango, Colorado.  The white of the falling snow won’t be the only color they’ll see.

The script can be found here

The logline is okay for me. It may not tell us a whole lot about the plot, but it has "me" intrigued. I can tell by "The white of the falling snow won’t be the only color they’ll see" that blood will flow at some point in this story and the genre being horror is all I need to know if I'll give it a shot or not.  

So very early impressions, you claim it's not a slasher flick, and four pages in we've got a guy skewred with a BBQ fork, a woman killed with a flying ax and three people shot including a young boy.  I really hope there's some payoff in that.  Nothing loses me faster than a kid being killed gratuitosly.

I'm sure there will be some payoff to that.

I'm having more of a problem with Carlie and Danny being a little tooooo sweet to each other. Hun, honey, baby and so on in every other sentence. That might just be me though... I'm not that sweet and friendly myself. Pass the salt please!  

I've read upto page 42 here, I'm guessing this is the end of Act 1. Got to say it's a good script so far.

The murders at the start seemed a little comedic to me. Not sure if that's just me, or how I read it. Just all seemed a bit over the top. Really well written and easy to imagine, but just something about it I found funny.

The scene on the plane is a good set-up for Danny and Carlie. I have to say I don't really like them though, but they seem to be well-formed characters. Just a little too successfull for my liking haha.

The big scene in the bar is excellent I think. Dialogue is wickedly good, really natural and all the characters have their own personality and voice. I think the scene maybe goes on a little too long though. This is all just character development, we're not getting any plot yet.

Top stuff so far.

I wrote a review on the script's thread, so to rehash a bit and copy and paste. I read only to page 23.

People already talked about the logline so I won't go into it. One item that caught my eye was the 124 pages. That's alot. That's a 2 hour film. I think you should probably consider cutting some stuff back to at least 90 or 100 page mark.

There's definitely alot stuff he can cut out like Carlie and Danny driving dialgoue and the dialogue when Carlie and Danny have when Danny collides. Cut it to when their in town. Also you have many characters. You should probably reduce it to the important characters such as Carlie and Danny and the guys at the Horney Toad.

The fact he gave a name to the pilot and co-pilot says they are main characters. If their not, call them pilot and co-pilot. But what i saw as an important scene was the co-pilot first and then the pilot. The whole I want a baby theme is good.

In addition, he need to keep it upbeat. I was getting kind of tired (sorry to say) reading through. The opening had me a bit but then its all meeting characters and getting to know them. It's good but I think it can be shorten to also include some conflict.

He cut the horney toad scene to intercut Calrie and Danny at the store. I advise probably to continue the Horney Toad scene through and cut or move the store scene. Preferably cut the store scene and find another way of expressing Danny's breast look in the Horny Toad scene.

I noticed he used a song (home alabama) planning to do the same thing but having second thoughts since it's copyright rights. So, I suggest removing that and keeping it general.

I'm not good in dialgoue but I think some can be reduced as well. Like the beginning scene, (pardon the formating,lol.)

Tobias: Ecuse me?
Loyd turns.
Tobias: Sorry to bother you. I'm staying at your neighbor's house and I was looking to cook  but have no pro pro
Loyd : propane.
Tobias : Yes.
Loyd: Sure. come in.

I'm still going to read it. The script has that feel of "funny games".  

Gabe

Okay, this is probably the fastest any feature script has ever been read by so many people as soon as it went up so Jeff, congrats to that!  

So what shall we discuss first? Jeff is not allowed to chime in! haha

IMHO, this script has some problems. Especially for a horror script. Except for the beginning there's nothing horrific, creepy, mysterious or anything that leads us to believe this is a horror script. If I watched this on film, I would have to wait over an hour before anything "horrific" happens. I'm talking about the wood shed scene of course. And that scene isn't scary either. Nothing foreshadows this event. It just happens seemingly out of the blue.

Let's start the discussions.  

My main issues with the script were the dialogue and the story structure.

I disagree with Stebrown's assessment, as I thought there was just way too much talking for a script like this.  I understand the need to build up the characters and what not, but these people all kind of sounded the same to me.   I'll concede that people who hang out with each other do have the same general ways of saying things, but even their tones all seemed to fit the exact same personality mold.  

Marty and Janelle seemed to be the two most unique characters of the bunch, and I thought a little more could have been done with them.

I couldn't tell if all the "hons", "babes" and "boos" were there to establish Danny and Carlie as overly affectionate or just plain creepy, but it came off as the latter.

In the end I found that a lot of the dialogue did little to advance the story...and with story, I move on to my second issue.

I think a lot more could have been done with this.  We have this couple on vacation, we learn about them and this group they meet up with at a bar, and it turns out their killers, mixed up in what seems to be some kind of really fucked up vacation package, which we really don't find out about until the very end.  IN THE CREDITS.  I don't think this was a big enough twist to warrant going about it this way, and the story should really be about that.

Got a lot here right now, so I'll let others respond before getting back into it.

I agree Mike about the chatter. It leads nowhere. There's no sense of something bad that will happen soon or in the future. Other than Jake was it, that had hit a big Mexican bouncer with a metal pipe, but that was long time ago. IMO, even the dialogue has to be written carefully and the right words should be used to help set the tone for the script. Again, was it not for the beginning I would have thought this was going to be either a drama or dull comedy and everyone was just going to end up drunk and in bed with each other.

This might not sit well with the author, but I really think this script should be no longer than 90 some pages or near 100 at least. That's how much unimportant stuff there is that can be trimmed. Especially from the first 2/3 of the script.

I read this script a while ago so I have no idea if it's been changed or not since I read it.  I'm hedging on not much.  So looking back at my notes.

I also thought there was a problem with the chatter as well.  There is just too much of it. If the chatter provided stuff related to their murders later then it would be easier to be more forgiving-- but I don't think it does.

The other thing about this chatter is that it doesn't help you like these characters.  If it were modified in a way to increase our sympathy toward the characters being murdered then it might also work.

But as it stands the most sympathetic characters in this script are Carlie and Danny. I'm not certain that is who I would want the sympathy to lie with.  I think because of this there is a lack of tension until the last scene in the house.

  

I agree that the chatter can be limited so that it could move the story along. I understand why dreamscale included the chatter (character development) but its really overboard especially after the first murder scene.

Gabe

Just so we understand why the author put the chatter there and since he can't reply yet in this thread. When I originally brought the chatter up to Jeff, he replied (and I quote).

"The whole long intro is also meant to throw off the audience and have them wondering what’s really going on and when is it going to start.  Are you familiar with Wolf Creek?  It has an extremely long buildup and I remember as I was watching it at the theater, I was asking myself over and over, where is this thing going?  When it got going, I was thankful for the ride."

Well, I can understand trying to replicate what has worked in the past, but I think most people here are reading and giving comments true to how we reacted when reading. It is ultimately up to the writer to decide if our opinions are valueble (sp) or not. In all honesty, if I was watching this in a theatre and after one hour "nothing" has happened, I'm gonna walk out. Unless I have a lot of food left. If I'm watching this on dvd and after an hour I'm not spooked or anything when I was promised a horror film... I'll hit eject.

I can understand that.  And I thought there was way too much chatter too, still do.  Though when people started speculating as to why the chatter was there.  I thought, since I had actual information as to why it was there, I would present it.  It can still be discussed and people can react to it.  It just that we know why the author put it there - instead of having to guess about it.  I hate guessing games. Don't you?

Okay...I'm new to this site, so I may be a little over zealous...but it seems that this is the latest script to review so, so after reading "Fade to White" and reading these posts...I would like to add my two shiny copper pennies worth!

For the most part I understand what some of you are saying, but I think anyone who obviously spent as much time as Dreamscale did at writing this screenplay deserves a lot more input than just talking about the "Chatter" and whether there is too much of it or not.  

I personally don't mind the development of the characters, could it be trimmed abit and still keep the integrity of the story, yes.  So rather than staying with the avenue some are traveling on...I'm going to blaze my own trail!  Here's a few things I did like. (warning...I'm still digesting it! lol)

First and foremost - it was easy to read and not filled with spelling mistakes. While it did take a while for the plot to thicken...I liked it when all the pieces started to come together.  I realize we spend a lot of time waiting to have the killer(s) emerge...but when they do, the story starts coming together for me.  I liked the suspense of the Cop not knowing who to believe, the knife spinning across the floor, how it built up intensity with the prospect of the other part of the group arriving.  I also liked the feeling that Jill was going to save the day...but I also wasn't sure if she was going to end up getting killed.  

I felt that the screenplay was written in a way that made it easy for me to visualize the people and the scenes.  I was a little confused about why this was happening...why this "sugary sweet" couple would turn so deadly....but maybe that is the point Dreamscale is trying to make...they possess something completely opposite that very persona...I don't know...why do people kill in reality...jealousy, money, insanity, unsupressed rage...whatever it is...it's never a "normal" way to deal with life.  

The scenes at the end during the credits were interesting and helped to tie up some of the loose ends for me. Xavier seems like a sinister person and these missing pieces provide an obvious open end for a sequel. Maybe?????

From movies I have seen, (some of which were mentioned in the comments above)  Wolfcreek being one of them, it took a long time to get into that story, but like this one, when things started happening, I was cringing most of the time. So maybe if this ever gets produced it would have the same effect on me.  

So...the nutshell of my commentary is this: easy to read, good grammar and spelling - A+ (no I'm not a teacher ~  Trim out some of the fat so it doesn't take so long to "get there" and I think Dreamscale has something to be proud of.

~m~