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Endless Story (currently 3528 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 17th, 2009, 6:37pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Endless Story by Michel J. Duthin - Short - A man. A woman. A hotel room. A bed. What else?… Uh, I forgot… 5 pages - pdf, format |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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stevie |
Posted: May 17th, 2009, 7:23pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
hi michel. Hey, this was good! Very unexpected ending and quite funny too. Your writing was fluent with only a couple of basic grammatical errors. This would be a great R-rated short! Maybe though, you could change the logline to just: 'A man. A woman. A hotel bed. Complete strangers'. Something like that anyway, to make it more mysterious. Good job! |
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Trojan |
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 8:01am |
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LocationAustralia Posts393 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Hey Michel, I thought this was ok. Kinda funny but I was just wondering how two people could go so quickly from not knowing who they are or why a stranger is in their room, to having sex with each other.
SPOILER And as for it being an amnesia convention, how would they remember to turn up to it or even get themselves there in the first place? I know what you are going for and like I said, it's kinda funny, but doesn't really make sense. It was pretty well written though so good job on that.
Cheers, Tim. |
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michel |
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 8:13am |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Stevie & Trojan thank you for your reviews. I didn't expect much because this is the kind of cr@p I write to improve my style as my English. I kinda like it anyway. The next ones would be much (much) darker.
And as for it being an amnesia convention, how would they remember to turn up to it or even get themselves there in the first place? |
Uh... Who are you? Why are you asking that? No. Seriously, remember, they have tag names. Michel |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
michel - May 18th, 2009, 8:24am | | |
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Helio |
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 8:40am |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Hi partner! haha! It was a very nice amnesia joke. I loved to see someone asking the doorman something like this: - Hey, is here the american amnesia convention? - I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not sure about that neither what the hell I'm doing in here!" nice exercise, mon ami! Helio |
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grademan |
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 8:49am |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
This crap as you call it, was pretty good. It read fairly well. Some places where your wording was a little odd:
windowpane overlooks window on the verge of the bed edge fully naked naked frontal nudity nudity looking at her in her every move at her every move let's resume the situation review (though resume is funnier) you're a very seducing woman seductive i'm sure you're not insensible insensitive My favorite line was "very good friends, I must admit," my least favorite "he scratches his crotch."
I know you wrote this to get more comfortabe with writing in English so I hope this helps.
Gary |
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michel |
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 9:05am |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Hey Gary thank you for the tips. I keep noting them somewhere to not make them again.
my least favorite "he scratches his crotch." |
Well, it's a typical male habit when he gets up in the morning. Don't you? Michel |
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Toby_E |
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 11:17am |
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Been Around
LocationLondon, UK Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Hey Michel, Really enjoyed this short. I chuckled when I read the ending, seriously wasn't expecting that, so well done. Would be relativly easy to shoot (as long as you found some actors who don't mind getting butt-neked), and would translate pretty well to the screen. Sure, there were a few typos and awkward sentences, but seeing as English isn't your first language, I think you did a very good job. Grademan pointed out everything I noticed as far as typos and awkward sentences, so edit them in the rewrite. But yeah, congrats with this, I loved this short. Wouldn't be surprised if it gets picked up for production soon Toby. |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 11:52am |
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Old Timer
Posts1791 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Michel,
Nice little script to segue you into your Sins work.
I enjoyed this, and of your scripts, this is definitely my favourite. I was struggling at one point to see where you were going with it, and was very pleasantly surprised to see what you did with it - nice touch.
The others have touched on what were my small complaints, and the only thing I can add to this is that it felt a little too similar to a script that was on here already - madhatter's 3 men wake in a room (can't recall the title), which is definitely a 'Groundhog Day' influenced premise.
Still, I liked this and agree with Toby that it's fertile ground for production.
Nice job.
Andrew |
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Toby_E |
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 1:21pm |
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Been Around
LocationLondon, UK Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Oh, Michel, one thing I would consider changing is the title of the script... I don't know, I just don't think it fits the feel of the script. |
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jayrex |
Posted: May 18th, 2009, 4:53pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Hi Michel,
Not bad. The ending was funny and what made it.
All the best,
Javier |
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michel |
Posted: May 19th, 2009, 9:36am |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Thank you. I really appreciate and never thought this could entertain you as much. For those who haven't read it yet, I wrote a long time ago another 5-page script with the same mood: " Happiness is as simple as a phone call" http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Happiness....pdf
definitely a 'Groundhog Day' influenced premise. |
Funny thing you said. I just realized that the French title of "Groundhod Day" can be translated in English as... The Endless Day (Le Jour Sans Fin) Michel |
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Helio |
Posted: May 19th, 2009, 10:11am |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Why not in french. I like it than in English: LE JOUR SANS FIN It seems a Godard's film tittle! By the way Don put your name on The real Pig Flu's Story! |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Helio - May 20th, 2009, 6:05am | | |
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tonkatough |
Posted: May 20th, 2009, 3:09am |
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Been Around
LocationAustralia Posts581 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
lets see now
2 actors
1 location
A banner painted on the side of a building with Aftereffects
A clever twist.
Yep this short is a filmmakers wet dream.
Good job Michel. |
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Colkurtz8 |
Posted: May 25th, 2009, 8:02am |
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Old Timer
Location--> Over There Posts1731 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
Michel
Not a bad little skit in the vein of Memento...without the tragedy, killing, deceit and self tattoo-ing. |
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michel |
Posted: May 25th, 2009, 8:21am |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Michel
Not a bad little skit in the vein of Memento...without the tragedy, killing, deceit and self tattoo-ing. |
Believe me or not, but I never saw that film. But you make me feel like now. Anyway, thank you for the reading. Michel |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
michel - May 25th, 2009, 8:56am | | |
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Colkurtz8 |
Posted: May 25th, 2009, 8:53am |
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Old Timer
Location--> Over There Posts1731 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
michel
Oh yes, make it a priority, its superb.
Like all great films, it requires multiple viewings to really appreciate it. |
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alffy |
Posted: May 25th, 2009, 4:45pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.33 |
Hey Michel, loved this...
What a great and simple idea. My only minor issue was with that the woman seemed a little to quick to accept the strange mans offer of a rummage in the bed.
I did think to myself that being a member of the AAA looks attractive in this situation but I wonder how long before it becomes a little sore? lol.
Anyway great story, really liked it. |
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michel |
Posted: May 25th, 2009, 4:52pm |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
the woman seemed a little to quick to accept the strange mans offer of a rummage in the bed. |
Alffy, you know how women are... Only joking Pia, Breanne and Cindy... I know that point but I couldn't make the conversation any longer. It would have been boring. Anyway, you have to admit that the man's argument is consistent... Thanks again for the read. Michel |
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FDiogo |
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 5:09am |
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LocationPortugal Posts26 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
Great script When she went to the bathroom, in the end, I kind of saw it starting all over again. I loved the ending. |
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michel |
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 5:12am |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Thanks FDiogo, I'm glad to realize that my humour is universal... I had fun too writing it. Michel |
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JonnyBoy |
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 5:32am |
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January Project Group
LocationLondon, England Posts994 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Memento is really an amazing film. You should definitely try and catch it. I liked this, actually. The transition from 'who are you? What the fuck are you doing in my room?' to 'You smell amazing, baby that feels so good' was perhaps a LITTLE abrupt, but then that doesn't really matter given the overall mood of this piece. It reminded me, just a little, of this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1OP4qhuUKo |
| Guess who's back? Back again? |
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michel |
Posted: May 29th, 2009, 6:33am |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Memento is really an amazing film. You should definitely try and catch it. |
I will, JonnyBoy, I will. I've planned to watch this weekend |
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michel |
Posted: June 1st, 2009, 2:38pm |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
michel Oh yes, make it a priority, its superb. Like all great films, it requires multiple viewings to really appreciate it. |
So, it must be a GREAT film because I was a bit lost on the end. I'll tell you what after multiple viewings Michel |
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craig cooper-flintstone |
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 1:26pm |
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New 'Ey up.
LocationDerbyshire, UK Posts253 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Enjoyed the screenplay, I thought it was short, snappy and very funny! Keep it up! |
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michel |
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 1:38pm |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Thanks Craig. I had fun while writing it, giggling on my own. Hope someone will shoot it. My next one won't be as bright as this one. Michel |
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craig cooper-flintstone |
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 1:46pm |
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New 'Ey up.
LocationDerbyshire, UK Posts253 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
No worries, I look forward to reading it. |
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michel |
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 2:53pm |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
It'll be a dark and unmoral story with an alternative ending. |
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jackx |
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 4:18pm |
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New
LocationTucson, AZ Posts245 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
very funny stuff, though i could see there being a little more convincing before they jump into bed again. maybe some signs of drinking just to lose the inhibitions. not sure if 'wet dream' properly translates across the cultural divide, I'm sure someone can explain it if not. |
| Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls... |
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michel |
Posted: July 21st, 2009, 12:18pm |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
very funny stuff, though i could see there being a little more convincing before they jump into bed again. maybe some signs of drinking just to lose the inhibitions. |
I'm quite sure the man's explanations are so logical that the woman has to believe him. Imagine yourself in that situation LOL... And, who said women need drinks to to lose their inhibitions? Just take a look at Pia's strories... Michel |
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jackx |
Posted: August 5th, 2009, 5:28am |
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New
LocationTucson, AZ Posts245 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
well us guys arent known for taking alot of convincing to jump in the sack, though occasionally we are gifted with eloquence to get women to join us, heheh. oh forgot to say before, excellent logline. |
| Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls... |
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michel |
Posted: August 5th, 2009, 2:37pm |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Thanks jackx. I must say this time I was particulary inspired... of what??? Michel |
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craig cooper-flintstone |
Posted: February 22nd, 2010, 8:34am |
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New 'Ey up.
LocationDerbyshire, UK Posts253 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Congratulations Michel,
I look forward to seeing the finished result.
All the best
Craig |
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michel |
Posted: May 28th, 2018, 1:19pm |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
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Philostrate |
Posted: May 28th, 2018, 1:35pm |
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New
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 28th, 2018, 3:42pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
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