Maybe you can have the Miss say something along the lines about the rumors of the Sheriff having magical powers or a mystical gun are true.  When she sees Lydia in action, she decides to tell the Sheriff where the Outlaw is.

Only the Sheriff doesn't need the location.  He fires the gun in his office, and the Miss later finds the Outlaw dead from a gunshot wound.  Only his associates tell her that no one could have possibly shot him.  

Good stuff, Matias.

But I really have to question how good the Sheriff is when he didn't even know the guy he caught was the culprit of the robbery. That just seems too convenient.

Also, at the end, I don't understand the motive for the Miss to shoot the Outlaw, because she couldn't collect the bounty anyway.

Thanks for reading, coding.

At the end the miss doesn't care about money anymore, she cares more about justice and thinks that the outlaw must be taken out for good (the guy managed to escape many times before).

The new version seems to be generating more head-scratching than the old one. Seems like the cook pissed in the soup.  

Hey Mr. Z

Gave this a read yesterday. A very cool supernatural short. I enjoyed the idea of the supernatural revolver.

Do you have a feature that you've written that I can read? lol. I'm interested since these shorts are very good.

Gabe

Glad you enjoyed it, Gabe.

Sure, I'll mail you my last feature.  

Hi all,

Darn I'm always late to post. Great script by the way. The kind of script I could've written...No seriously.

However I'd have the sheriff as a wanderer instead. Who goes from place to place...Yeah...Going where ever to gun tells him too, serving justice and all that.

Ah, don't mind me. Great script though.

Quoted from 24 Grams However I'd have the sheriff as a wanderer instead. Who goes from place to place...Yeah...Going where ever to gun tells him too, serving justice and all that.

That would've been lots of fun. I forced myself to keep the budget down, though, and keep the story contained to one location. Makes the piece cheaper to produce.

Thanks for the read.  

When I first started reading this, I thought the characters' lack of names was inappropriate.  By the time I finished it, it seemed to work.

The dialog flowed very nicely through the script, very naturally.  It could be tightened up a little bit, but it's not a big problem.

The ending did come a bit abruptly.  A little confusing at first.  Perhaps you should flesh this out a line or two.

Good read.


Phil

Hey Matias,

This is well written, as usual. A few parts snagged me as I read. I had to look back over a couple of times to make sure I was reading it right.

When the Sheriff tells the deputy, “Leave us, kid,” I thought he was talking to The Miss at first. The Union Pacific robber already being in a cell seemed strange. The Miss talking about the Sheriff shooting people without asking questions led me to think she had revenge in mind. Yeah, it was all around a strange little script.

I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned this yet but there’s a typo on page 4. “Yours head” should be “your head.”

It’s unique with an interesting premise. Well written and holds interest. Good job.


Brea

@Phil: Interesting comments. A few more lines in the end would help to tidy up the pacing.

I’ll have this in mind for further rewrites. Thanks for the read. Much appreciated.

@Breanne: What a treat! Thanks for dropping by. Always appreciate your insight.

In the first version I posted, the outlaw was not in the cell. There was a last minute transition to the outlaw’s hideout. And there is where the miss whacks him.

This came off as too abrupt for many readers and putting the outlaw in a cell was suggested (the sheriff caught him doing some minor dirty deed, without knowing he did the union pacific as well).

You bring a good point, though. The rewrite seems to be taking care of some problems while generating some new ones. Gotta love the rewrite process.  

I might go back to the original version. I’m torn at the moment.

Thanks for catching the typo.

Glad you enjoyed the read, though. Thanks for letting me know.

Very nice.
Don't let Tarantino near it. He'll foul it up for sure.
Rodriguez could use something after that "Predators" cr@p.
Maybe him and Zack Snyder can fight over a feature development.
Reads like either's style.

Thanks for the praise, RayW. I know I don't deserve it, but I'll gladly take it nonetheless.  

It juked a bit when the Outlaw suddenly appeared - but I know you did not want to show him from the very beginning to focus on Sherif.

Sherif is very funny - "Lydia says" this...and "my gut says" this... - very funny.

I loved it. It's one the most entertaining westerns I've ever read.

Barely 6 pages and such a great character arc (I mean the Miss)...

Glad you enjoyed it, khamanna. Thanks for dropping some comments. Much appreciated.

Mr. Z, do you have any full-length features?   I'd be curious to see what pours out of that mind of yours.

And what does the "Z" stand for?