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An Instrument of Justice by Matías Caruso (Mr. Z) - Short, Supernatural, Western - It was a peaceful afternoon at The Sheriff's office... until The Miss walked in. 6 pages - pdf, format
Pia was right. Very impressive, Mr. Z,...the writing flowed, the story was easy to visualize. Makes me wanna run out and have a showdown at the OK Corral. Seems like maybe there could've been a better ending though. A twist within the twist. But that's just me. It'd be nice to see this filmed. You should definitely shop it around.
That's what I'm talking about! Mr. Z is back, y'all. Man, you're the Leo Messi of script writers, what you do looks so stunning and is impossible to duplicate. Loved Lydia - Lydia is hot. Seriously. She really is an instrument of justice. Liked the Sheriff too, cool cat that dude.
The ending was maybe a bit rushed considering the build-up but I get it and there's really not much more to say.
A question: What was the theme for this MP script. I read Pia's JuJu script as well (and imagine it was for the same comp) and both of your scripts featured inanimate objects that are somehow not that inanimate. Was that the challenge?
Stay frosty Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
First of your I've read. Impressed. The ending does leave alot to the imagination. Did she kill the Sheriff with Lydia? Did her give her the gun to kill the outlaw instead.
What was the theme for this MP script. I read Pia's JuJu script as well (and imagine it was for the same comp) and both of your scripts featured inanimate objects that are somehow not that inanimate. Was that the challenge?
This wasn’t written for MP, it’s just something I wrote on the side. But you’re right, there was recently a challenge in which the theme consisted of bringing back a body or inanimate object to life.
Don’t put my name and Messi’s in the same sentence, by the way. I’m not worthy.
I concur with those previous. Top notch. Absolutely wonderful...
...until that last, confounded scene.
There just isn't enough there, Z.
Everything before that scene is so good and so complete -- and that revolving chamber transporting us to a brand new locale is perhaps what makes it feel rushed.
I would encourage you to experiment with the exact, same set-up -- but add the outlaw to the scene.
Maybe in an adjacent jail cell? Lydia reveals him to us -- the actual guy, not the poster. The sheriff has captured him -- and did not even know it.
Then we can know the outlaw. Involve him in the conversation -- make it a 3-way conversation instead of a 2-way conversation -- and then the Miss has to make her choice. Right there, on the spot.
I think that would give this the resonance it is missing without adding a great deal in length.
A question: What was the theme for this MP script. I read Pia's JuJu script as well (and imagine it was for the same comp) and both of your scripts featured inanimate objects that are somehow not that inanimate. Was that the challenge?
The MP comp was to bring something dead alive...mine was the voodoo doll. This one was not in that comp. I bet he wrote this one on a lark to irritate all of us who are trying to get better.
I would encourage you to experiment with the exact, same set-up -- but add the outlaw to the scene.
This is an interesting idea. On one hand, I love it, because it would add a richer dynamic to the story and allow me to finish it without having to switch locations. I really want to use this but…
On the other hand, if the outlaw is already caught, the miss would know right from the start that she can’t collect that bounty anymore, and there would be no point in killing him. Unless…
The sheriff frees the outlaw making it look like the bastard escaped, so the miss can whack him and collect the $. Or maybe this is too contrived. Writing is hard, dammit.
And stop saying you hate me, all of you. I know you love me.
Okay, so I learned something by reading this, which is about the best compliment I can pay you.
The style is very interesting in that on the surface it appears to contain unfilmables, but what it does is evoke images which themselves are filmable. Extremely cool...
As for the story, you managed to create a supernatural, noirish Western in five pages - again, no easy feat.
And though Sniper says your style is impossible to duplicate, I know one writer that may blatantly and unashamedly try...
On the other hand, if the outlaw is already caught, the miss would know right from the start that she can't collect that bounty anymore, and there would be no point in killing him. Unless...
No -- the way I envision this is the sheriff spins ol' Lydia -- and it points to a jail cell O.S. -- the Sheriff realizes who he actually has in that cell -- the Miss turns to follow the gun -- and there is the Outlaw -- revealed for the first time.
"The bounty is still good," the Outlaw tells her, "Just get me outta' here."
And take it from there. I really think it could work.
No -- the way I envision this is the sheriff spins ol' Lydia -- and it points to a jail cell O.S. -- the Sheriff realizes who he actually has in that cell -- the Miss turns to follow the gun -- and there is the Outlaw -- revealed for the first time.
"The bounty is still good," the Outlaw tells her, "Just get me outta' here."
Yeah, this is how I understood it, and I'm very fond of this scenario. I was talking about the other bounty though. Not the one offered for the sheriff's head, but the one offered for the outlaw's head.
Two words, Quintin Tarantino. Mr. Z I like this short. It was very entertaining and well written. If this is what you can do in English one can only imagine what you can do in spanish.
I don't feel you need to change anything as everything rolls out smoothly, but you can always make something better.
I did a rewrite on this, based on the feedback I got. Changed nothing essential, but I tried to make the ending a bit less abrupt. Everyone's busy witht the OWC so I'll wait a bit before uploading the new version.
Nice catch. Maybe The Miss should have said "Ask your gun". Or maybe she read the inscription on the barrel? Hmmm...
Hate to admit it but Bert's suggestion was spot on. I'll wait for the OWC to be over before officially uploading the new version, but in the meantime, if anyone else shows up, the rewrite can be found here:
AAAAA.......Mr. Z .. i read the other version ... i dont know but after putting the outlaw in the jail it seams ... that the mystery about the Outlaw has faded away .. I would rather prefer your older version
It's always a pleasure to read one of your scripts. superb writing and a superb idea. Lydia felt like a character in itself and it was just a pistol.
with all that spinning action it would be interesting playing Russian Roulette with Lydia but oh yeah I forgot there is only one bullet (soul) at a time so maybe that's not a good idea after all.
Love a good western. This one had a Jonah Hex, supernatural feel to it. I like how your descriptions were economical, but painted a clear picture. I would have liked to have known more about the origin of this gun, but maybe that's for another script.
I suppose I like your rewrite a little better. The original didn't make as much sense to me as I just didn't think the sheriff would "lend" Lydia to this bounty hunter so she could go shoot the outlaw in his hideout. That'd be like King Arthur lending Excalibur to some scrub knight.
But, there's something I just didn't like about this ending, either. How the Sheriff sits back and lets this bounty hunter shoot an unarmed man, behind bars, in the Sheriff's own jail. I don't know, the whole killing seemed a little unworthy of Lydia's talents.
Maybe when the sheriff spins Lydia it points to the saloon across the street or something, where the outlaw and his gang is in town. And the bounty hunter, convinced of the power of Lydia, agrees to help him take out the outlaw. Just a thought.
Figurin' I oughta be writin' somethin' down here about the script.
Westerns, however, aren't really my thang.
I did like how you kept the tone of the action in line with the setting. It was like having a narrator with a twang along from the ride. Or maybe that's just how I heard it in my head.
The story was simple, but it worked.
It isn't my favourite piece that you've written but it's a good one.
If The Miss was warning the sheriff about the bounty on his head, why wouldn't she just go ahead and name the criminal?
The Miss wasn't there to warn the Sheriff, actually. She was teasing/testing him in order to know what kind of man he was. She was seriously considering collecting the bounty herself at the beginning of the story.
And why would the sheriff lend out Lydia to anyone? I'd be afraid of losing my magic weapon if I did that.
This is a good point. I tried to address this in the rewrite which still isn't posted. In the new version, The Miss never leaves the room with that gun. We'll see if it works.
Maybe you can have the Miss say something along the lines about the rumors of the Sheriff having magical powers or a mystical gun are true. When she sees Lydia in action, she decides to tell the Sheriff where the Outlaw is.
Only the Sheriff doesn't need the location. He fires the gun in his office, and the Miss later finds the Outlaw dead from a gunshot wound. Only his associates tell her that no one could have possibly shot him.
But I really have to question how good the Sheriff is when he didn't even know the guy he caught was the culprit of the robbery. That just seems too convenient.
Also, at the end, I don't understand the motive for the Miss to shoot the Outlaw, because she couldn't collect the bounty anyway.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
At the end the miss doesn't care about money anymore, she cares more about justice and thinks that the outlaw must be taken out for good (the guy managed to escape many times before).
The new version seems to be generating more head-scratching than the old one. Seems like the cook pissed in the soup.
Gave this a read yesterday. A very cool supernatural short. I enjoyed the idea of the supernatural revolver.
Do you have a feature that you've written that I can read? lol. I'm interested since these shorts are very good.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Darn I'm always late to post. Great script by the way. The kind of script I could've written...No seriously.
However I'd have the sheriff as a wanderer instead. Who goes from place to place...Yeah...Going where ever to gun tells him too, serving justice and all that.
Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
However I'd have the sheriff as a wanderer instead. Who goes from place to place...Yeah...Going where ever to gun tells him too, serving justice and all that.
That would've been lots of fun. I forced myself to keep the budget down, though, and keep the story contained to one location. Makes the piece cheaper to produce.
This is well written, as usual. A few parts snagged me as I read. I had to look back over a couple of times to make sure I was reading it right.
When the Sheriff tells the deputy, “Leave us, kid,” I thought he was talking to The Miss at first. The Union Pacific robber already being in a cell seemed strange. The Miss talking about the Sheriff shooting people without asking questions led me to think she had revenge in mind. Yeah, it was all around a strange little script.
I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned this yet but there’s a typo on page 4. “Yours head” should be “your head.”
It’s unique with an interesting premise. Well written and holds interest. Good job.
@Phil: Interesting comments. A few more lines in the end would help to tidy up the pacing.
I’ll have this in mind for further rewrites. Thanks for the read. Much appreciated.
@Breanne: What a treat! Thanks for dropping by. Always appreciate your insight.
In the first version I posted, the outlaw was not in the cell. There was a last minute transition to the outlaw’s hideout. And there is where the miss whacks him.
This came off as too abrupt for many readers and putting the outlaw in a cell was suggested (the sheriff caught him doing some minor dirty deed, without knowing he did the union pacific as well).
You bring a good point, though. The rewrite seems to be taking care of some problems while generating some new ones. Gotta love the rewrite process.
I might go back to the original version. I’m torn at the moment.
Thanks for catching the typo.
Glad you enjoyed the read, though. Thanks for letting me know.
Very nice. Don't let Tarantino near it. He'll foul it up for sure. Rodriguez could use something after that "Predators" cr@p. Maybe him and Zack Snyder can fight over a feature development. Reads like either's style.
OMG, those characters posters are awesome! Congrat!
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Wanted to say that I still remember to completely finish your feature and give you some notes on it. I read a couple of pages and am impressed by the sci fi element you have in it. I remember being entralled into it. lol. I will re-read it again to see if I can give you better notes than this crap that I wrote right now.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Thanks for the bump and the read. Saucy dialogue and appropriately sparse description. Reads like butter, but that ending is flat as a dry pancake. Its just not up to the level of prowess in the rest of your fine material.
That being said, super congrats on the production. Well deserved and looking forward to more of your material!
Regards, E.D.
P.S. Lydia's origin story for the sequel!
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Just read this again. I hate you, you talented git.
I can write fast, but I don't write like this. Fine work. I still hate you, by the way. In a sorta Morrissey "We hate it when our friends get off their arses and get it done" typa way. You understand. Yeah, thought ya might.
Keep it up. Plenty of room for all. People love good stories. Always have, always will.