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The Chocolatier by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short, Horror - While the streets of London are being stalked by the blade of a serial killer, two detectives must investigate a strange note left at the station. 19 pages - pdf, format
Alffy, this seems changed from the version I read. Can't quite figure out what bit you've changed...unless I'm just going mental!?
Anyways, this is a tight, well structured story. You did a good job to keep it pretty easy to follow given the back and forth between flashbacks/present.
The dialogue seems pretty accurate for the time period this is set. My one slight suggestion is with the final scene. Just don't really see why it's there as we already know everything that it's about, it isn't bringing anything new to the story.
I included the scene late on as I thought it provided a more complete story. I tried hard with the dialogue and put a bit of research in with locations and slang terms. Glad you found it easy to follow as this was my major concern. Glad you liked it.
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Hey Allfy, #4 read in the Scarefest 2 group (what happened to the other 3 or 4?).
I think you've done a really good job with this! I can tell that you put alot of effort into this in terms of time, thought, and research. Everything seems legit, and it all sounds real for the time period you've chosen.
This is a complicated little script you've got here, and after only 1 read, I really can't say that it all works as is, but it seems to. It's a bit difficult to keep track of everything because of the jumps back and forth in time, and I think your headers could have made it easier to follow. I'm assuming that this is a loose adaption of the Jack the Ripper killings in old London, with a new spin added in. Very well done and concieved.
For me, based on 1 read, this is my favorite of the bunch so far. Nice job!
Hey Alffy. I think I owed you a read. so I checked out this. First thought was how the hell do you get a horror story from a chocolate shop.
Have to agree with everyone above that you nailed the time period perfectly. Very Victorian.
The death scene at the end was bloody awful and I had a lot of fun visualing it. quite horrible.
Your play of words in the action was nice and tight and precise. My favourite was "his smile wilts to a frown." I gonna have to pinch that one and use it in my own writing.
I think you've done a really good job with this! I can tell that you put alot of effort into this in terms of time, thought, and research. Everything seems legit, and it all sounds real for the time period you've chosen.
Thanks, I did put a lot of effort in trying to get the tone of the period right.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I'm assuming that this is a loose adaption of the Jack the Ripper killings in old London, with a new spin added in.
Spot on. I love the Jack the Ripper legend so I thought I'd have a stab at it. Of course this is very losely based on the facts, the victims and dates are all correct but of course some of the characters are completely fictional.
Quoted from Dreamscale
For me, based on 1 read, this is my favorite of the bunch so far. Nice job!
Thanks mate.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
First thought was how the hell do you get a horror story from a chocolate shop.
(I'm chuckling to myself here) It is a strange setting but I sometimes think the oddest settings set the best atmosphere, not the usual asylum or cemetry setting is a nice change I think.
Maybe Edward could chew tobacco? And so can't eat the chocolate.
JACOB Jacob, please.
Change one of the above Jacobs
Page 7, Frank doubts Jacobs confession and honesty. Why I ask?
Hanwell - I looked this up. There is no prison but an asylum. Is this the reference?
LIZ Any pleasure you desire sir. - I like this line. True to the era.
Jack the Ripper idea?
Arsenic in the chocolate?
The figure takes out a match and strikes it on the wall, brings it up the cigarette, where it illuminates the face of Frank.
The above paragraph sounds like you need to rewrite it.
The ending is okay. Sounds interesting. Edward coughs and sounds ill. Maybe have him cough throughout the script as it turns out Frank actually gets ill from the chocolate.
Sounds like you researched this putting in the Irish & Jews reference. Good job overall.
I like the whole atmosphere of the script. If you have Edward coughing and generally being sick throughout. Then the mystery to the reader and viewer is diverted. Whereas Frank ate chocolates and got ill. Did Edward eat some beforehand and we didn't see this? Not enough to kill.
I mention arsenic as I read the Jack the Ripper diaries which I believed at the time to be real. And the book I read was written by a lady who had an agenda. Arsenic was mentioned as a poison James Maybrick had taken and was addicted too. Maybe you could look it up?
The ending could of been placed at the beginning and Frank getting caught at the end. By getting examined at the morgue and discovering a bloody knife in the inside pocket. Maybe a souvenir of some sort is on him?
Anyway, great stuff.
All the best.
Javier
P.S. Can someone tell me what all this Scarefest is all about?
The ending is okay. Sounds interesting. Edward coughs and sounds ill. Maybe have him cough throughout the script as it turns out Frank actually gets ill from the chocolate.
Yeah I thought of this but then thought it might give the game away.
I did put a bit of research into this script, thaks for noticing. Gald you thought the dialogue sounded right for the era too.
The Arsenic comments you make are certainly interesting, I think I will look into it. Thanks for the heads up on that one.
I wanted Frank to be thought of as Jack the Ripper and so when he dies, the murders stopped. As for him doubting Jacob, many people claimed to be murderers and even the Ripper at the time but were deemed to be mad, hence their visit to Hanwell.
Anyway thanks for the read and the positive feedback, glad you liked it. I sent you a pm about the series.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
This was a well-written script, with great descriptions and great dialogue. The problem I had was when you were going back and forth from the police station to some other location. I still cannot tell if these are flashbacks or if they're happening between sessions in the interview room? And I think I've pretty much figured out why Frank was killed by Jacob...Was it because Frank was getting pleasure from the prostitutes and Jacob just did not agree with all of it? Or was it because Frank killed a prostitute (Liz) (By the way, why did he kill her and just her (unless I missed something)?).
I think that's all I have. Nice twist you have. At first I thought it was gonna be multiple personalities, but then when Rose died horribly by the chocolate, I figured out that Jacob had poisoned the chocolates.
The problem I had was when you were going back and forth from the police station to some other location. I still cannot tell if these are flashbacks or if they're happening between sessions in the interview room?
I feared this might confuse some people. I really wanted to write it this way and hoped readers would follow the story, maybe needs some work then.
Quoted from Zombie Sean
And I think I've pretty much figured out why Frank was killed by Jacob...Was it because Frank was getting pleasure from the prostitutes and Jacob just did not agree with all of it? Or was it because Frank killed a prostitute (Liz) (By the way, why did he kill her and just her (unless I missed something)?).
You're nearly right. I wanted to write this as a Jack the Ripper story with a new spin. Frank is completely fictional but I wanted to portrait him as the Ripper or at least suggest he COULD be the Ripper. Frank sleeps with prositutes and also dabbles in killing some of them. He sleeps with Jacob's wife who is secretly on the game. Jacob finds out by following her and gets revenge by murdering both of them. Liz, or Long Liz as she was known, was the last victim of Jack the Ripper so thats why she the last prositute Frank murders before he's killed by Jacob...and breath lol.
Quoted from Zombie Sean
This was a well-written script, with great descriptions and great dialogue.
I'll finish with your first line, cos I like it. Glad you thought it had good dialogue, I tried to get the tone right for the era.
Thanks Sean.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.