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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The August 2021 OWC  ›  Cannibals do MasterChef - OWC Moderators: Warren
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Don
Posted: August 20th, 2021, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cannibals do MasterChef by Ed Gein - Cannibals do MasterChef.  Short, Comedy, Mockumentary


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LC
Posted: August 20th, 2021, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Eww, nice job, Ed.
Your title drew me in straight away.

Not much to offer by way of suggestions, except perhaps here:

GREG
Look,†about†that...†the†judging†bit.


Maybe call it the 'tasting'?

PRODUCER†(O.S.)
We've†done†this†already,†your†agent
negotiated†a†farcically†fucking
substantial†bonus.


That line hit its target.
I chuckled.

It was kinda inevitable that someone was going to become an additional main course.

You met the brief well. You depicted everything in glorious bad taste and gory detail, and Google* helped me with a quick lesson in who each of the contestants were. A little surprised there was no guest judge with a Jeffrey Dahmer relative? It wasn't laugh out loud funny for me, but then it didn't have to be, and this is a personal taste thing.   Yep, another pun.

I didn't get the Danny Green reference, but I suspect this is a 'in the know' cultural thing.

Lots of typos, which obviously can be fixed, and might be down to deadline?

Very good use of satire, selling out, and anything for TV ratings.
Nice job. Revolting. But nice.

P.S. I only wish I hadn't googled Albert Fish.



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LC  -  August 21st, 2021, 7:45pm
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Robert Timsah
Posted: August 20th, 2021, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Story Is Structure

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It's well done. Yes, it's obviously gross but that's the point. Maybe title could use work??  I'm a little scared to say I could see where it was going - if that matters? Well written - could feel the setting with the oohs and awes and Greg with the "Amazings". Good job.


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Yuvraj
Posted: August 21st, 2021, 2:37am Report to Moderator
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Tbf, TV reality shows are done to death (and also famous) in terms of mockumentaries and satires. So given the title, it is kind of expected that a gorefest will take place at the end. Typos are also persistent throughout.

Aside from this, a nice story with a gross-out element in it. But also predictable in hindsight as well, unfortunately.    

Good luck.

  


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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2021, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one until the end. It kind of got out of hand. IMO, if you had stayed with the tone prior, it would probably have worked out better. Maybe have Greg actually trying some of the food. First gagging and we're convinced he will puke, but then he surprises us by actually liking it.

Lots of typos. I'm pretty sure you meant Hippie and not Hippy.

Good job!  


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 21st, 2021, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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A fair few typos but didn't detract and I liked the idea, despite hating Master Chef with a passion

Raised a few smiles and like the social commentary bit, Mrs C is a big fan of serial killer docs so think I got most of the references.

Good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: August 22nd, 2021, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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A good short but not (in my definition) really a mockumentary. It's just a farce of Master Chef. Entertaining but no real laugh out loud moments. Nigri confused me until I realized that you meant nigiri.

Good job, writer.
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SteveClark
Posted: August 22nd, 2021, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This kinda reminded me of a Monty Python sketch. Absurdist humor, gross. Most of this didnít land with me, but I didnít hate it and Iím not sure why. Iím not sure what I was expecting here. The ending fit the rest of the story, and it was consistent throughout, so good on that. However, I guess a sketch of this nature didnít need to have a fully fleshed out story and I think thatís what bothered me about it. It wasnít reLly a story as much as a sketch.

Steve


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Gary in Houston
Posted: August 22nd, 2021, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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It's not a mockumentary if we're being honest. But it's weirdly gross and both enjoyable and offputting at the same time.  I kind of was expecting one thing at the end and certainly didn't expect what we got, so good job in going in that direction.

I just wish you had gone with the mockumentary route and I think you could have done some really interesting things, interviewing the contestants, Greg, etc., because I think that would have been a really solid effort.  Still good job on this and best of luck with it.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Max Ruddock
Posted: August 24th, 2021, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Fist off, that definitely didn't didn't feel like a mockumentary to me. Having said that the writing was clean and crisp, albeit with a handful of typos.

No real laugh out loud moments for me, but I read it with a smile on my face.

Ending was a bit of a let down for me. Actually found the idea of him having to eat what they made more interesting.

Good luck.


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mmmarnie
Posted: August 24th, 2021, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmmm...wonder how you become one of the World's leading cannibals. LOL.

So this was more of a spoof on Master Chef than a mockumentary. Not a mockumentary at all, actually. But it was entertaining...and gory. I think you give away too much in your title. We go in pretty much knowing what's going to happen in terms of it ending up a cannabalistic gorefest.

The writing was very good. A very easy read. And there were some funny lines scattered throughout. Just missed the mockumentary vibe for me.


ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
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Warren
Posted: August 24th, 2021, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

This isn't a mockumentory, it's just a short about a tv show. The were a few bits of good humour but for the most part this didn't quite land for me.

I also found some of the dialogue a little unnatural.

That ending was full on!

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.


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Zack
Posted: August 26th, 2021, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hmm. This one is pretty messy. A few typos and some of the dialog just seems... off.

More of a Cooking Show than a Mockumentary.

Humor is hit and miss, but I did get a few chuckles. Especially at the ending.

A good rewrite or two and this will be a pretty good script. Good effort.


Wanna read my script!?

WIRED - horror, action (87 pages) - After an encounter with an infamous serial killer, a recently widowed police officer must repair his shattered relationship with his deaf daughter and cope with the loss of his wife, all while a familiar and sinister presence descends upon his secluded home.
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khamanna
Posted: August 26th, 2021, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, a cooking show with the contestants making all kinds of gross things.

This one is the only one in a bunch that I wouldn't call a rockumentary.

It's fun for what it is, had humorous moments.

Ninjato lol.

Reads like a sketch, not rich on the story, which is fine.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: August 26th, 2021, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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The satire of the dialogue isn't refined enough. You can see the twist coming a mile away, which sort of diminishes the twist, unfortunately. The dialogue in the middle pages was the best. Yeah, act 2 was the best. If you could bottle that and sprinkle it over acts 1 and 3, you've got a winner. Reminded me a lot of the "Tales From the Crypt" episode, "Television Terror". The satire and darkness needs to be turned up a hell of a lot, but you're on the right track. Honestly, not a whole lot in the way of a Mockumentary, though.


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