SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 11th, 2019, 4:49am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Wolves at the Door
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    OWC - Wolves at the Door  (currently 3150 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13468
Posts Per Day
1.95
Wolves at the Door by Jeremy O'Brien - Short, Drama - The epic tale is finally told...who is the carnivore? Who is the vegen, and who is the wolf? - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
stebrown
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Newcastle, England
Posts
948
Posts Per Day
0.22
Well this is only the second one I've read and obviously this is a joke entry. I'm hoping there's not too many like this as I'll probably stop reading if there are.

Too many issues to get into really and as I'm almost certain they're all deliberate I'll just say that this wasn't for me and didn't meet the challenge - and a fellow Geordie, I see?

Ste


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 32
Cam17
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
153
Posts Per Day
0.04
Well, any script that mentions Richard Greico, you know is pretty much doomed.  I had not a clue what was going on here.

But when I read this epic piece of dialogue at the end:

                          SOMEONE ELSE IN THE PUB
                 Argh...ah...etc...etc...  Run for
                 the hills!

You've got to be the same guy who wrote that "black blob of revenge" script last OWC.  Still repeating those same mistakes, unfortunately.  That dialogue is hilarious, though.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 32
Ledbetter
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Jeremy O'Brien ?

I thought (even if fake) the MOD asked not to put names on the submissions and based on what the above posters have commented, I won't bother reading it.

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 32
Dreamscale
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11170
Posts Per Day
2.54
Just read Cam's post, and was already laughing about the same line of dialogue...and many others as well.

This is downright terrible and really seems like maybe it's supposed to be.  Christopher Lee doing meaningless V.O.'s?  Describing a character by comparing him to 3 different actors, but with worse hair and not as rich or popular?  WOW...just WOW!

Gotta include 1 more quote here, cause it's truly a classic...

"The moonlight reflects on it and we can see like over a hundred different reflections darting back and forth in every single eye of every single wolf (except the biggest one who isn't outside any longer)." - WTF?  Are you serious?  C'mon now...

Very funny actually...hope this is a comedy...if it's meant to be serious, please stop writing immediately!  Sorry, but I'm serious.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 32
greg
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1869
Posts Per Day
0.35
Didn't take the challenge seriously.  Another waste of time.


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 32
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3750
Posts Per Day
0.83
This is way too chunky a read. Chunky works sometimes, but it's a rare breed.

First off,

is sat on a
stool at the bar. A frothing pint

is sat in front of him on
the bar.

You've used "is sat" too much to no effect. Cut it.

Here:

We see ALROY (almost 25 and a half) walking towards the bar.
He has thick red hair that resembles a fiery lion's mane.
He is wearing a skin tight T-Shirt with Simon Cowell's face
on it that is at least two sizes too small. A fag hanging
from the corner of his mouth sends smoke wisps into the
already very smoky air. You could probably even cut it with
a knife it's so smoky.

Who the hell cares if he's twenty five or twenty-five and a half?

Who the hell is Simon Cowell? Ooh!! Simon! Of course.

Advice here is don't work on describing things or people. Work instead on building the feelings you want to invoke. Everyone starts with that "describing" things. Mostly, because that's how the asinine public schools teach people "not to think".

Pay attention to some of your favorite writers, but keep up your own methods.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 32
Trojan
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 3:39am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Location
Australia
Posts
427
Posts Per Day
0.11
It seems that some people don't get that this is a joke. Obviously all of the mistakes in this script are done on purpose. (No, I didn't write this)

I actually found it funny, and enjoyed the read.

Cheers,
Tim.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 32
grademan
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 8:57am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
896
Posts Per Day
0.23
If this is a joke, the overly rich narrative and poor dialogue about talking wolves in a pub is more palatable (Palatable? Listen to me, now I'm a food critic!) than meat pies. I did laugh at this one!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 32
Dreamscale
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 11:47am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11170
Posts Per Day
2.54
Based on the last 2 posts, things are starting to clear up for me.  This is a joke and it is quite hilarious.

It seems like 90% of the entries are all jokes.  I will start looking at them from this angle from now on.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 32
Andrew
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Soon to be Sydney, Australia!
Posts
1695
Posts Per Day
0.43
Obviously someone is trying to take the piss out of Brits here, but fundamentally doesn't understand the irony of British humour. All the mates and ridiculous words - woeful.

If you are a Brit and you wrote this... you must've been "wonked", mate. If you're not a Brit... go back to the drawing board, pal.

Taking the piss scripts should be funny, not painful like this.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 32
pwhitcroft
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
158
Posts Per Day
0.04
Iíll make notes as I go..

Does this have your name on the title page?

Pg 1 Ė Visually this page is a mass of text which unfortunately makes it very discouraging to read.

Pg 3 Ė Tick the box for vegan/carnivore debate.

Overall itís pretty surreal. Unfortunately I donít know if I ever really connected with it.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 32
Angry Bear
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6777
Posts Per Day
1.57
This one pretty much breaks every screenwriting rule there is si I'm thinking this one was a joke.

It's vegan not vegen...

This was supposed to be a comedy. Not really my kind of humor, but that doesn't mean it can't be to others.

I did like the idea of the salad eating wolf. He sort of turns out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing. Nice touch there.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 32
stevie
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Down Under
Posts
3198
Posts Per Day
0.79
I had another look at this. Yeah, it was pretty good. A definite sendup (today will be a 'pisstake' free day...well, almost)
Some great depictions of the UK pub scene.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 32
Coding Herman
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
458
Posts Per Day
0.12
You really overdescribe a lot of things, especially characterization and their appearance. It made a very clunky read. Took a long time to get through the first page. Just name a few distinct traits and move on.

You can get rid of a lot of "we" and passive verbiage. Can push up the read a lot more.

A few un-filmables, we cannot see what the bouncer wants when he walks over to the wolves.

Because of the clunky description, I lost track of the characters. Such as Alroy and Bartley. Had to scroll back up to see who they are.

Their dialogues sound very unnatural, almost archaic. Isn't this set in the present days?

If Christopher Lee is in V.O., then how can we see what's he doing?

Overall, I didn't get the story. Seems like a pack of wolves come into the pub, Alroy and Bartley argued, and then the wolves kill them. End of story.

I wish the writer can enlighten me his/her intention. Sorry.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 32
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May 2010 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Thread Rating

There have been 2 votes for this thread.
 
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006