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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Someplace Nice and Dark Moderators: bert
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  Author    Someplace Nice and Dark  (currently 16210 views)
leitskev
Posted: February 22nd, 2011, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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It's very good the way it currently is, and the urban version sounds pretty cool. I was also thinking today, if you wanted to attach a theme, the shadow could be a metaphor for the soul, ones past, even one's conscience, or a subconscious current to the old man. Just throwing ideas out there. I can see where the story is intriguing enough to get people wanting to play around and have some fun with it.

One other thing: albinoism is a genetic condition. Not sure if the old man has that, or just has come to resemble an albino.
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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: January 29th, 2012, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Robert
Enjoyed your story alot actually. Good job. Will read more of your work.

take care
Jahon.
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bert
Posted: January 31st, 2012, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Jahon, for letting me know that you liked it.

That is always nice to hear -- particularly on these really long threads where you sometimes wonder if anyone is even looking anymore.

You will find that most of my short stuff is horror, if that your bag.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 31st, 2012, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert,

Always nice when someone else does the leg work and digs up a decent "old" script.

This is a touch of class but you know that by now. So what did i like;

1] simple set up of boy, gave me enough image without lingering. Good images.
2] kept focused - it was largely a talking heads of two people in a caravan but kept to this and didn't try to be anything more. it kept suspension by having episodes; before entering; before the reveal; after the reveal - each different, even in a short.
3] dialogue - good crisp words, short punchy sentences, the right phrases at the right times
4] simple premise - we could all follow it. Some may wish for an explanation, and normally i do, but not this time. Can't fully say why, but it did work.
5] nice final finish - a touch of menace. There was something circular about it. At first you wondered if the man was the devil object, then it was his shadows, then it drifted back to him again, as a shadow. A curse that has to carry on.

Not much on the downside but a few phrases that some may jump on if i put them forward e.g. "It will be dark soon". It does add to the written feeling but it can also be deduced from the sun setting in the line before.

I do enjoy your writing.

all the best.



My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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wonkavite
Posted: February 1st, 2012, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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...my favorite of Bert's short scripts.  Though if you like this one, Reef, check out Salvage...
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Galactic Sausage
Posted: February 2nd, 2012, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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What's with the hype over this complete rubbish?

Racistm, sexist, ageist. The list goes on.

As Jesus once said:

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me."

Learn from Jesus and his followers, you pathetic coward. Pinto was weak and bullied at school it appears. Why else would you go down to a traveller camp?


"An honest answer is the sign of true friendship."
- Proverbs 24:26
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Forgive
Posted: February 2nd, 2012, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Galactic Sausage
...you pathetic coward.


Mark 12:30-31: Love your neighbor as yourself.

Jesus said lots of things. Let's not cherry pick. I've been guilty of this myself.

Simon

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bert
Posted: February 2nd, 2012, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Sausage!

Glad you liked it -- though I have have far worse transgressions to offer, and encourage you to seek them out given your enthusiastic endorsement of this one.

Cheers,

bert (pathetic coward)


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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bert
Posted: February 2nd, 2012, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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Reef!  Sorry, man -- just realized you had a read in there, too -- and I missed it given the heady excitement coursing through my veins after such fawning and gushing by my newest fan, Sausage.

"Class" is a word seldom used in conjunction with my scripts, but I thank you for your thoughts.

I will be sure to return the read as time permits.

bert (still a pathetic coward)


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Ectoplasm
Posted: February 2nd, 2012, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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I liked this a lot, probably my second favorite short I've read so far. Oddly enough, I was also thinking of doing a horror with shadows lately, but this is much better than what I was imagining. Fantastic job, good horror is not an easy thing to do.

Revision History (1 edits)
Ectoplasm  -  February 3rd, 2012, 11:51pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 2nd, 2012, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hey Bert

Since i fainted whilst giving blood today i deserve the PC award. Its mine, all mine....


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Shelton
Posted: February 2nd, 2012, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hey Bert

Since i fainted whilst giving blood today i deserve the PC award. Its mine, all mine....


I hereby dub you "Best PC of 1977".



Shelton's Website

Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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bert
Posted: February 3rd, 2012, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ectoplasm
I liked this a lot, probably my second favorite short I've read so far.


Second??  What the hell is wrong with you?

Did you not just read how much Sausage loved this script?

Thanks, ecto -- just kidding -- but I gotta' know -- what is at the top?


Quoted from the man
I hereby dub you "Best PC of 1977"


Like.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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bert  -  February 3rd, 2012, 11:33pm
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Ectoplasm
Posted: February 4th, 2012, 12:12am Report to Moderator
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Ha, if only we could all offer such amazing insight as Sausage. The name of my favorite escapes me at the moment, but it was a supernatural, monster in the closet type horror short I read awhile back. I'm a sucker for horror, shame not many people understand how to make them without loads of gore and lack of story.

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Britman
Posted: February 6th, 2012, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this script, and story. It sort of gave me a Stephen King vibe when reading, not sure if that was mentioned elsewhere in the comments or not. I just wish it was longer! This would make a great 30 min Tales of the Crypt episode. Thinking of it visually, I would maybe set the trailer off the beaten track a bit. I could imagine Pinto having to cycle down this dusty, lonely track to find the trailer in some gloomy, spooky place and away from the other trailers and out of sight. Anyway, I loved it!


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Dark (the series) by James Williams
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