Wow! I really liked this. It was creepy and the ending was great. Very descriptive -- uh -- descriptions Very quick read and I could see it happening really easily. Bravo!

With an 8 page short this could easily be a hit or miss. After reading this i would say it is a hit. I enjoyed it for what it was and i do think it would be a great idea to put this into a feature length.

There are some parts that i can remember that you told us what the character was thinking i believe. That is something that can not be shown on camera and you should change that. My two cents would be to read over the script and take out everything that could not be shown on camera. Instead add something that can be. You may even need to extend the scene a little more.

Overall i really enjoyed it. Minus the mistakes and i all i would give it a 8/10.

Good Job  

This was an easy read. No real spoilers within.



Each new trailer a fresh testament to abandoned dreams and quiet desperation. - You can't show this.

The sun is low.  The sky is red.  It will be dark soon. - This reads a bit like you telling us we're all stupid, the fact that you had to tell us the facts of the sun ha-ha

He returns the old man's butt. - Nothing wrong with it just makes me laugh that you left a line like this in and didn't even think somebody would read it the way I did.

Isn't it weird that these trailer park weirdo's are so common in all types of screenplays... I have one in 2 different screenplays and here you have one too.

I get it; it's like a curse that's passed down from one to another. I don't know if the 8 pages do it justice though, it feels incomplete in places.

It's solid but I think you should take a chance to make it longer; this was like a scene... Maybe you can write a collection of these supernatural thrillers and throw this in there. Those types of collections work well, especially if it's someone like yourself who has come to gain a following.

Oh, the ending I kind of seen it coming, is that good or bad? It was really obvious once he started talking. I'd honestly like to know how this guy came to find out about his little curse ha-ha intriguing to say the least.

Overall their isn't much to say beyond it's solid and in a short I guess the most you can ask for is solidarity and the start of something storywise that would hook you and it does that.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley Each new trailer a fresh testament to abandoned dreams and quiet desperation. - You can't show this.

Several readers have burned me on this line, but darn it, I am gonna stand by it. Some trailer parks are kinda' nice, and some are pretty crappy. This line is telling the location scouts that they need to find the latter, you know? That's my thinking, anyways.

Thanks for the additional comments, Wes, but fleshing this out any further gets tough. It's kind of a one-note scare, and additional details eventually become silly as opposed to frightening, you know?

And if the word "butt" still makes you laugh as an adult...well...I can't help you there

I think sometimes people can be a little to picky about the 'show don't tell' rule. In certain situations, a little "tell" can give the director a better idea of how the writer envisions a scene. Obviously it should be used very sparingly, and I think that's what Bert's done here. To me, it's perfectly acceptable.

Some examples from produced scripts...

"A piece of an old Buddhist temple, under a sulky moonlight now in
a state of decay, the jungle surging to engulf it."  - Platoon


"The City of Tomorrow:  stark angles, creeping shadows, dense, crowded,
airless, a random tangle of steel and concrete, self-generating, almost
subterranean in its aspect... as if hell had erupted through the
sidewalks and kept on growing.  A dangling fat moon shines overhead,
ready to burst." - Batman

Both are vivid descriptions yet both contain description that cannot be shown directly on screen.

It's a great line, Bert, but it doesn't belong in a screenplay.


Phil

Quoted from Martin Both are vivid descriptions yet both contain description that cannot be shown directly on screen.

True, and you can surely find a lot more of such descriptions in other produced screenplays. But beware. Many of those scripts are written by the Big Boys. For example, both of the screenwriters of Batman, had work produced before that movie. Rules do not apply to established writers in the same way they apply to those asking for feedback in the "unproduced scripts" section of this site. A screenwriter with an extensive network of friends in the entertainment industry, active representation, etc, etc, can dance around the golden rules much more than a new, unknown writer. The scripts from the unproduced/unknown writers end up in the desk of a producer who will be looking for one reason, just one reason to throw said script to the trash, and move on with he hundred others he has yet to read. It isn´t wise to give him such reason.

Really enjoyed this Bert. Very creepy and atmospheric, you've done a fantastic job of setting the scene.

I don't think I want to know any more about the who, why, where of the evil shadow though, it works well as a short sharp shock.

I disagree with you Shonagh.  While I wouldn't want a full explanation as to the shadow-thing, I would thtink that a hint is in order.  Maybe the old guy can tell Pinto what he knows about the shadow (which is up to Bert to decide how much that is).  Perhaps, as I said earlier, the shadow follows the person who sees it kill its host.  Perhaps it's a local thing that haunts the area.

As the saying goes, you feed a horse enough to know it's hungry.  Bert should do that.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe  Perhaps, as I said earlier, the shadow follows the person who sees it kill its host.

That's pretty much what I gleaned from it myself. I don't think that part needs explaining.

The trouble with ideas like this is that, once you start explaining them, or dropping hints, they can lose their credibility. I'm not interested in details of the shadow man, I just like the overall creep factor of this short. If I found out that shadow man had taken the lives of countless townspeople over the years and is believed to be an ancient indian curse or whatever, I think it would kill it for me.

I alluded to the brevity of this tale in earlier posts, and welcome the opportunity to discuss it a wee bit further.

This story is the bare bones of something longer, but the longer versions never really worked.  It's a gypsy curse, stemming from an earlier episode of infidelity and, ultimately, murder. The old man (who was once a young man, of course) lost control of his shadow gradually, over time. In the original tale, the shadow was a "character" of sorts, that had to evolve into what it has finally become.

Are you sure these type of details make the story stronger? I pondered this question for a long time, as it would mean taking a pretty hefty axe to my own work. But ultimately, my answer was, "No. Not really."

This single episode, ripped from the story and standing alone -- answering absolutely nothing -- always seemed to carry more punch.

I totally agree. It carries more punch the way it is. I think the best kind of supernatural horror is the kind that allows you to draw your own conclusions. After reading this, I was left wondering how the old man had ended up that way, how long he'd been locked in that trailer, what would happen to Pinto. This is as a good thing. If you try to provide the answers to these questions, people may end up disappointed.

That's why I'm saying to only drop a hint.  At one point, have the old man say something about gypsies.  Maybe something along the line of:

OLD MAN:  You expecting a tip, boy?

PINTO:  Yeah.

OLD MAN:  Here's one.  Don't piss off gypsies.  They can screw with your life.

PINTO:  (beat)  I thought you meant like a few bucks.

The old man laughs.

It doesn't explain anything.  The problem with this gypsy-curse-theory is that there is no reason why Pinto would get the curse after the old man died.


Phil

This script could have gone sour very easily, but you went the right direction and you've created a very straight forward, and overall CHILLING short.  So many times have I seen shoddy homes or creepy trailors and have always wondered what lay within.  Your description of the visuals was simple but got the point across, just amazing.  And thank you for spacing the descriptions rather than bulking them together, that made for a much better read.

A Winner All The Way!

Well, I'll think about your point, Phil.  I guess I can see both sides of this.

And thanks, Doc.  That makes my night, man.  Maybe tomorrow, too.