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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Someplace Nice and Dark Moderators: bert
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  Author    Someplace Nice and Dark  (currently 16205 views)
bert
Posted: January 7th, 2008, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Mark.  I was off the boards for most of yesterday and almost missed this.


Quoted from rc1107
I glanced at a couple other people's comments and noticed that it was a gypsy curse.  I think it's better you don't say that in the story.


Cheers for checking out the comments.  I like to do that, too.  And I appreciate having another "shorter is better" vote, as that kind of stuff really helps when you are getting mixed signals on a story like I often get for this one.  


Quoted from rc1107
I love reading…so expect me to be a 500+ posts member before long.


Just be careful not to let it become an addiction.  It quickly becomes too easy to read a script instead of writing one -- and since you still feel sort of productive giving comments, it is a particularly insidious form of procrastination.

I just noticed this morning (a comment from Pia on "Meladori") that you have a nasty Western up with female protagonists.  How funny.  I got one, too.

I will have to check that one out -- and when you find yourself in a reading mood -- I will recommend Pia’s “Savage Frontier” and my own “Paramour’s” as a quick (both are shorts), amusing double-feature for you while laid up.







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Abe from LA
Posted: January 12th, 2008, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Vintage Bert.

This little horror romp has some bite.  I loved it.
You do well in painting a nice setting -- and that little descriptive passage in question is OK by me -- set up some realistic characters with crisp dialogue and lead us into a pretty disturbing world in the form of a run-down trailer.

If handled correctly, you could go up One Page and be good. But I enjoyed what you have here and pretty much got everything intended.

Dude, you completely nailed that revolving darkroom door.  I read that and thought, "Whoa."  After spending many years in and out of darkrooms, I knew exactly how this kind of entry way adds to the story's creepiness and the old guy's dilemma.  

My favorite part was the flashlight scene.  I wasn't sure where you were going, and I wasn't one of those who was thinking "vampire."  I wasn't trying to guess anything really, just felt like letting you lead guide through the dark.  

Okay, now that I've gushed all over the place, I wouldn't be me if I didn't slam you with some WTFs.  Actually nothing that bad at all, just some thoughts.

First, where the gypsy is the Smoke?  The place is on fire.  I gotta see some smoke, hear some coughing.
After entering the trailer, maybe Pinto trips.  Maybe his eyes haven't adjusted to the dark trailer and he kicks a stack of newspapers.  Setting up the burning ashes scene.

Phil mentioned a hint at something, perhaps involving the gypsies.  I got to thinking that along with the clutter are cultural or religious artifacts.  If the kid doesn't get his tip, maybe he pockets something.
Pinto's got enough presence of mind to stop and watch the old man get his, so I thought that he might also steal something on the way out.  Thus carrying with him the Curse.

When the place goes up in flames, I wanted the kid to be amazed at what the inside of the trailer looks like. As if the whole place comes to life in the light.  I actually envisioned a big painting of the sun standing in a corner.  Like this guy missed the sun so much, he had to have a painting of it. Ha.  Well, that's just me.  Maybe you like it as is.

In one line of dialog, I think it could be clipped a bit.
When the old man asks, "What's your name, boy?
I thought Pinto should just say, "Pete. But friends call me Pinto."

Finally, I'm not complaining about the Old Man laughing at the end of the story. However, I was wondering if his words should be more of a warning?  Anyway, the visuals on that kid peddling out of there works for me.

Nice job.  I don't know where I'd rank this one, it's pretty close to "Salvage." That means pretty darn good.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 12th, 2008, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Well Bert, I've never actually read something by you besides the OWCs, and I was thinking of starting out with this.

You seem to be very good at screenwriter (psh, we all know that), so I don't think I have to comment on your descriptions and dialogue and stuff like that, since it's good enough.

The only thing I had a problem with is that this made me chuckle more than creeped out, I guess. I don't know. I imagined the whole scene with the shadow growing into a demon and what not, and I thought it'd look funny if it were filmed. Same with the hand scene. But I tried to hold back from letting out anymore chuckles. Don't get me wrong, though, they're pretty cool scenes. And I really liked the ending.

Sean


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Souter Fell
Posted: January 12th, 2008, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert,

Read it after seeing it on the simply recommended thread. I really, really enjoyed it. After 6 pages of comments, you've heard about everything you can on it so I'l keep it short. It was crisp, quick, self-contained and frankly had a Twilight Zone type feel to it. It helped me appreciate some of the humor and quickness. Kinda like how me and my girl saw "The Mist" and had differing opinions. Alas, after I told her to pretend it's "The Twilight Zone Presents: The Mist" she really appreciated it.

Anyway, good show!


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bert
Posted: January 13th, 2008, 12:31am Report to Moderator
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Wow, where did all these reads come from?

Thanks, you guys.  I have actually been excited about this one lately, as there has been some credible interest in it.  It was rewritten to a different locale, but they kept the door and most other aspects intact.


Quoted from Abe
Dude, you completely nailed that revolving darkroom door.  I read that and thought, "Whoa."  After spending many years in and out of darkrooms, I knew exactly how this kind of entry way adds to the story's creepiness and the old guy's dilemma.


Thanks for letting me know.  It is frustrating, because I sometimes wonder how many people actually "get" that part.  Some readers will ask about it, but I suspect there are also plenty who just give a confused shrug and let it slide.  But I just know it would look great.


Quoted from Abe
Pinto's got enough presence of mind to stop and watch the old man get his, so I thought that he might also steal something on the way out.  Thus carrying with him the Curse.


Excellent.  This is the comment speaking to me the most, Abe.  I do not know if it should be some sort of amulet or something more subtle, but some tangible method of passing on the curse is an excellent thought.  I am going to think on that and pass it on to guy looking at this.


Quoted from Zombie S.
The only thing I had a problem with is that this made me chuckle more than creeped out...I tried to hold back from letting out anymore chuckles.


I am completely cool with that, Sean.  I think a lot of hardcore horror aficionados find humor in horror.  During the kill scenes, there are people who gasp, and people who laugh and cheer.  I know which camp you belong to, so it’s all good.


Quoted from Souter Fell
It…had a Twilight Zone type feel to it. It helped me appreciate some of the humor and quickness.


See?  There is somebody else who sees humor.  Thanks again for the looks, guys, and for taking the time to drop some thoughts on this after you read it.  I appreciate it.    


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Abe from LA
Posted: January 13th, 2008, 2:44am Report to Moderator
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Bert,

Yeah, for some, the revolving door might be a tough one on the page.  But they will think it's cool once they see it in action -- on screen.  What I love about this type of door is that it reminds me of a portal.  It spins and you have know idea who or what will come out.  Or vice versa.
It don't have the same safeguards as a standard door.

And to see this on a trailer is too funny.  Cool at the same time.  This old guy has done his homework regarding light-proof doors, Haha.

It's like the "new" elevator door.  Open and shut case.

Abe
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stebrown
Posted: May 5th, 2008, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Thought I'd check this one out as it's on the recommended thread. Really good atmospheric short. It kind of reminded me of the scene in 'Scent of a Woman' when Charlie first meets Frank Slade - That's a great scene if you haven't seen that movie by the way.

I guess I'm bound to repeat most comments here so I'll keep it short.

It would be possible to make a good feature length script from this, but I like it how it is. Just enough mystery for me.

I don't really know what the revolving door would look like, but if this was to get made the director could easily find out if needed. So that's no biggy.

Well done and good luck with it Bert.

Ste


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bert
Posted: May 7th, 2008, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the look, Steve, and good to hear that somebody is looking at the "SimplyRecommended" thread, too.  There are some real gems on that underutilized thread.

But it looks like production on this one might have petered out haha.  Too bad.  I just have to wait and see.


Quoted from stebrown
I don't really know what the revolving door would look like..


Check out post #52 on this thread.  There is a quick animation showing the door in use.


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sniper
Posted: May 8th, 2008, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, Bert, I missed another one of yours.

This had a nice Twilight Zone'ish feel to it. Actually it reminded me of an episode from The X-Files where a guy has a shadow that acts like kinda a black hole that just disapears anyone it comes into contact with.

Anyway, great visuals in the opening scene, they sure set a good tone but it got a little wordy after a while if you know what I mean. It worked but it dragged the opening out a bit.

Like you say in the script, the revolving door looks pretty weird attached to the trailer...I'll say. That door is a bit of a stretch - you really have to want to believe it to buy that some bum has a revolving door attached to his beat up trailer. Surely someone must have said, "Gee, that's peculiar. Let me check that out". It ruined it a bit for me cos' it lost some of its believability.

Great back-and-forth between Pinto and The Old Man. I really like that whole scene especially when The Old Man reveals his "problem". Again, great visuals. Kudos.

Then the fire starts and it sorta came apart for me. First the dropped cigarette and then the whiskey flamethrower. I didn't like that too much - it was just too easy, almost deus ex machina like. The aftermath saved it a bit though (not that I didn't see it coming) but the visuals of the rider-less bike combined with The Old Man's rant made it really creepy.

Even though this story doesn't look like SK's Regulators, I somehow got that same creepy claustrophobic feeling I got when I first read Regulators.

Overall, it was good but you took the easy way out a couple of times imo.


Quoted from bert on July 8th 2005
Gee...I thought anybody could open a Word document.  That's why I blew off PDF.

Hehe priceless


Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load

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sniper  -  May 9th, 2008, 8:23am
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Angry Bear
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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A bump for this excellent creepy little short by Bert that is today's recommended script on the home page. I would encourage everyone to read it. Even if you don't like horror. It's very well written and put together.

Bert, sorry I never did anything with it. I got sidetracked by "bigger" things.  


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dogglebe
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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This script is probably my favorite on the boards.  Every now and then, I'm reminded of it.


Phil
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GM
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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I remember this story. I think I was one of those people interested in learning the backstory to this guy. As much as I would like to know, I think the mystery behind him is satisfactory enough like those 80s horror movies. Sometimes it's best to not know.

Gabe
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_ghostwriters
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Well let me pay my respects Bert... nicely done.  I can offer no value nor would I try.  This is a classic.  Hats off.

But since someone decided to dig this up... you thought about putting it in PDF?  Just saying.


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bert
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, no...it's the 12 days of bert coming home to roost....


Quoted from Angry Bear
...sorry I never did anything with it. I got sidetracked by "bigger" things.


No worries, Pia.  At least you weren't as bad as that guy who made me rewrite the whole thing as an "inner-city" piece -- and I never heard from him again.

You know how that goes.


Quoted from Phil
This script is probably my favorite on the boards.


Holy crap.  Those who know, know that these don't come cheap.  Thanks, man.

And you, too, Gabe & Ghostie, of course -- very appreciated, but Phil's comment really caught me by surprise.


Quoted from Ghostie
...you thought about putting it in PDF?


This is still in word?  Haha...that tells you how old it is.  I really should correct that soon.  Thanks again, guys.


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GM
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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When it comes from phil, its good. Why don't you enter this into contests? You should have some awards under belt especially with this script for instance.
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