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I could be wrong but I think this is the first piece I’ve read from you. It’s a good tale, reads super fast and the dialogue comes of natural. Shadows, interesting concept and when this was originally written not much had been done involving shadows apart from an Alec Baldwin film I remember, maybe there had been but I hadn’t seen them.
There’s not a lot to complain about here, couple of personal nitpicks or questions if you like. Always good to ask a more experienced writer a question if you’re unsure.
In dialogue, you say “$23.50” have been reading that it should be “twenty three fifty” words instead of numbers. Does it matter how it’s done?
OLD MAN You smoke? Pete?
Thought this would read better as one question. “You smoke, Pete?”
Like I said, nitpicks and questions, this has had a lot of feedback and it’s difficult to fault this.
I love some of your descriptions, this line I particularly liked for some reason.
“The dying sun bullies its way between a few cracks in the boarded up windows”
Also the glowing cigarette in the darkness, gives a great visual to the reader IMO.
As I say, it’s a brilliant short and I for one enjoyed it. Just interested, how many drafts have you done of this over the years?
I could be wrong but I think this is the first piece I've read from you.
Hey, coop. Not sure I have read you, either, now that you mention it. You should link your work in your sig space. There are surely plenty that owe you a look.
Quoted from coop
...when this was originally written not much had been done involving shadows apart from an Alec Baldwin film I remember, maybe there had been but I hadn't seen them.
Alec Baldwin? I have no idea what you are talking about haha. There is a recent film called "Vanishing on 7th Street" -- decent, but not great -- and the paranoid side of me always wonders if some writer somewhere looked over my little script here before carrying it forward to something larger.
Quoted from coop
In dialogue, you say "$23.50" have been reading that it should be "twenty three fifty" words instead of numbers. Does it matter how it's done?
I doubt it, quite frankly. I mean, in a practical sense for 99% of readers. Somebody obsessed with all the technical details might tell you different, though.
Quoted from coop
Thought this would read better as one question. "You smoke, Pete?"
You think? I was trying to insert a beat without really inserting a beat. At least, that is what I was thinking at the time -- that you would read it with a beat.
Quoted from coop
Just interested, how many drafts have you done of this over the years?
Just touch-ups to this version once or twice.
There is another "inner-city" version I wrote for one guy with an old crack house instead of a trailer. Nothing panned out from that, though, except a lapsed $25 option haha.
Thanks for looking, and again, big congrats on the newest addition. Drop me a PM if I can look at something for you (and you, too, mrl72).
I really enjoyed this short, it sounds to me like it could be extended to a nice feature film. I enjoyed how you kept things nice and suspensful till the last couple of pages. Good work there. I also really liked the tone and the atmosphere in this short. Keep up the good work! -Luis
As I've said before I don't normally read shorts but I had a look at this. Very nice, creepy little story - would slip nicely into an anthology film and would also serve up as a good short story. Plenty of scope for descriptions and similies.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of flair and 'over' description in a script. The better the scene is painted the easier the director can see it in his mind. Plus for all the other people in the creative process such as the costume designers/set designers it makes their job a little easier - and also as some of us writers are quite controlling beasts who don't like seeing their ideas knocked about too much - a bit of over description gives us more control of the final piece. But anyway I digress...
It's a really creepy idea this, almost wish I'd had it myself, there's something spooky about shadows, especially as a kid. And the bit of dialogue where the old chap explains what's happening with his shadow is very well done, nice bit of characterisation there.
I see you've struggled with making the transition from a short into a feature with this. But it's such a creepy little idea that you should really try and make the transition. What appeals most is it wouldn't require too much of a budget and also wouldn't require too much OTT gore or CGI - two of the things that (along with bad acting) often make low-budget productions nowhere near as good as they could have been.
Actor trying to write...
"A good script is never rejected because of layout or lack of technical jargon. If people like it, then any experienced film or TV PA or secretary can lay it out in professional manner and add all the technical terms necessary"
-- Ronald Wolfe "Writing Comedy"
"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."
I also really liked the tone and the atmosphere...
Sometimes I feel the descriptive work here may be a bit much, and it has actually been cut back from its original form. But yeah, that is where the tone really comes from, so I appreciate the comment.
Quoted from goose
There's nothing wrong with a bit of flair and 'over' description in a script. The better the scene is painted the easier the director can see it in his mind.
I am of the same mind, Goose -- but it is easy to carry it too far, and difficult to know exactly where the line should be drawn. I do think this piece strikes the right balance for most readers, though you will never please everyone, of course.
And to both Luis and Goose -- no feature haha! You just gotta' trust me that this creepy little idea ain't got the legs for it.
Also, quick thanks to Phil and Janet. I will not cheapen the sentiments by wrapping a big quote box around them, but please know they are appreciated -- particularly coming from authors that I, myself, already hold in high esteem.